do you sometimes find it hard to cope?

I am doing my best to get on with things, and look forward with hope and positivity. Naturally I still have bad days, and I do still feel quite a bit of grief, anger, bitterness at all thats happened, which I am working on letting go and moving through.

I think my ability to cope with other life stresses is quite reduced at the moment though.
Yesterday I backed into a car. It was my fault. We have a very large excess on our insurance (recently changed the policy to pay a low premium) and this is a cost we cant really afford right now on top of IVF, which simply brings us more stress. I just had a meltdown yesterday afternoon, it all felt like too much. I know it wasn't the end of the world. Noone was hurt etc...but sometimes it doesnt take much to push me to that point of extreme stress and upset.

My psychologist says I am still in the grieving process about everything and to just be gentle with myself. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing better, and be stronger...and I know so many have had it worse than me. I guess in time I'll get there.

Do you sometimes have those meltdown type days...where the buildup of things just gets on top of you?

Oh Emma :hug: you know you have gone through a hell of a lot in the last few months, you have to be kind to yourself, some things are bound to fall by the wayside, they definitely do in my world.

Sorry for the trouble wth the high excess.

Sara

Thanks Sara :)

I can totally relate to you Possums.

I have days where I just can't get out of bed. Not many and they are very sporadic but disabling just the same. I stay at home and see no-one. Call in sick to work (who are very supportive).

I hate feeling like this though. It sucks.

I guess we do just need to be kind to ourselves. I'd never be this hard on a friend, so why do I do it to myself?

Hugs
S X

hun, sometimes you live on the edge emotionally, and all it takes is one unexpected thing to tip you over the edge. throughout this whole journey, i've had those "moments" where something completely random has tipped me over the edge into a three day depressive meltdown. just recently (start of this week) i went to the bank to deposit money, checked netbank next day and they hadn't credited to my account. now, it was fixed within a couple of minutes on the phone, but it was the tip of the iceberg and i had a complete meltdown - i just couldn't function without tears for the next day or so. it was horrible. and when i thought back on it, things like that have been what have torn me apart every time for the past four years or so! it's damn hard - you can build up a protective wall about the IVF stuff to a degree - you kinda know what to expect so you can harden your heart - but when something out of left field comes along, not only does THAT get you, but it starts a domino effect and ALL your walls fall down and everything becomes fresh and raw again until you can build your defences back up

don't be hard on yourself - yes, you made a mistake, yes, you have to sort it out - and yes, you fell apart - but it happens to everyone that has something they are trying to protect themselves from!

take care of yourself - things will work themselves out eventually.

BG

Thanks Sue and BG :) The support is very appreciated

Sue- you are right, being more gentle and less hard on ourselves is something to strive for!

BG- they way you explain it is so spot on...that's just it...the car thing happened, and the prospect of a big cost and suddenly all the other things (IVF, no baby etc) seemed just too much to bear as well...I guess you are right, my careful walls crashed.

Today, like you described, I am close to tears ALL the time and feel so fragile. Hopefully over the weekend I can start rebuilding those walls so things are more manageable again

I really feel for you babe.

Maybe over the weekend do something nice for yourself, like a massage or pedicure or something. I know it doesn't make it all better but just something to make you feel nice for a time.

Big hugs
S X

Thanks Sue, DH and I are planning on going for a drive and a picnic one day, so that'll be nice

p.s. on the subject of me hitting a car....I have found that lately I have had a number of near misses in the car...all my fault, where I do silly things, like pull out in front of someone, and seem to have somehow NOT SEEN the other car. Things like that. I mentioned it to the psych and he said that when under such grief/stress etc, even though I THINK I am functioning well, I really am constantly a bit distracted, and not focussed well, and not really performing at my best. Can you ladies relate to that at all too?

Hello,

I can relate to what your saying. Somedays you just shouldn't get out of bed. :doh:

I agree with the counsellor be kind to yourself. :hug: You are working through a lot at this time. You will be stronger in time. What one person can handle and what another can handle is a very different thing. It has nothing to do with if someone has it harder than you. Take it easy, take time to reflect on your feelings. They are real, and true for you. Don't be tough on yourself now, think what would I say to my best friend if they were going through this. And then put it into practice for yourself.

Im sorry also about the accident. I have done that too on a bad day. I can also share with you the expense of IVF and having an accident just puts more stress on you.

I hope things get better for you, just give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

bye for now
Redlady.

Oh Possums :hug:

You have been through such a tough time and yet still send encouragement to others on their journeys. You are an amazing women.

Everyone deals with stresses in their life differently and I think we have ALL had a meltdown in one way or another.

The IVF journey is very different than anything I have ever experienced. The emotions we experience are so varied, so many highs and lows. And then we have to cope with everything else going on around us in our lives. It is very hard to function "normally" when your concentration levels just arent there.

Glad you and DH are going out on the weekend. You need some time out away from the stresses.

Please take care of yourself.

Tania x

Possums - I am so sorry you are struggling right now - it's really hard isn't it? I can relate to what you are saying. I've been crying at everything - tv shows, commercials, etc. I've also been doing dumb things - picked up a sandwich for lunch, paid for it, left it on the counter, walked away - had to come back for it. I've done things like this for 3 weeks now. I also know that I am truly exhausted - both physically & emotionally. I had to work really late yesterday as I've fallen quite behind given all the time I've spent at doctors of late and as I was walking out at 8pm, I called DH and started crying - for NO reason at all. I think things like your picnic that remind you to relax, enjoy life, and that yes - there is more to life than TTC. I know how important TTC is - but I tell myself everyday that I have to remember that I can't continue to allow it to control my life 100% (not that I've figured out how to do this yet - I'm very obsessive).

The accident must have been hard - I'm so sorry that this happened but very happy everyone is OK. If you are aware of being spacey and not all there, try to give yourself a break and treat yourself well.

All of this is easier said than done - but we all understand and have been there (or are there right now).

Thanks all of you for the support and encouragement- you are all great and supportive even though all of you have things going on too- it does help me along :)

Sweetie the answer is yes I find it hard to cope. More so when I was using my own eggs than now though, as I decided back then I had done enough grieving about my own fertility and I had to move on in order to keep going with IVF and have a happier life. You and I have talked before about grieving and that it can be long and hard. I am glad you can share your pain and fears here and I hope it helps so you can build your resilience to cope with such a tough journey.
Have I ever mentioned to you the book by Stephanie Dowrick "Choosing Happiness"? A sort of bible/reference book for me :hug:

Thanks Dusty- you haven't mentioned that book, however I have read other books of hers and found them to be great, so I'll seek that one out ..and thanks for the support :)

I am feeling more together again today after a nice weekend with DH and some time with my mum (always a great support). We took time to relax and also time to assess our budget and our short term plans for things, which helped us (especially me) regain some sense of control, even if it's only an illusion on control! :lol:

Hi Possums,

I so feel for you hun. I completely understand the grief, anger and bitterness and those 'bad' days. You really are doing so well considering everything you've been through, you seem to be able to identify what you're feeling and why very well - and that's half the battle to getting through the days. I know this journey has changed me as person and i worry it's not in a good way - but from your posts supporting others I can tell you are a wonderful, strong, compassionate person. You have had a horrible time - more than many people go through in a lifetime - you are allowed to feel the way you do. But you keep on going and that means you are stronger than you think.

You are doing the best you can. Give yourself plenty of time and dont beat yourself up about the feelings you have.

I'm so glad you had a lovely weekend, hopefully there are many more to come. Wishing you the very best with your journey. You will get there. Lots of :hug::hug:

thank you Infinity...you have dealt with a lot too and I hope that your FET brings you a BFP :pray:

Right now I am finding it extremely difficult to cope. I learned yesterday that my HCG levels have stopped falling (they need to get back to 0) and that this may mean that despite a clear Ultrasound done by the specialized ultra sound place I amy still be retaining "product" and thus still need a D&C. I am fine with having another D&C at this point - I need this behind me mentally and physically. BUT they won't do it unless they see something on an ultrasound.
My FS said what is going on with me is very unusual - to have a clean U/S and to have stopped bleeding (finally) but to have somewhat high hcg evels that have stopped dropping. She mentioned investigating whether this is an ectopic! But I know the U/S dr looked for this - could they miss a 5 week miscarried ectopic?
I am not sleeping - am always on the verge of tears - and am picking fights with DH (only some of which are justified IMO - he needs to stop telling me to just relax and wait and see). I can't take this wait any more and am so afraid that there will be damage that will further interfere with out ttc. Makes me want to give up and say a baby just isn't meant to be for us. Which makes me so sad I'm crying while I type.

Julie :hug: :hug: :hug:

Julie - sending more :hug: and :comfort: your way. I know you are sad at the moment, but hang on in there and don't give up hope, just remember that you are doing everything you can. Just let us know whenever you feel like this and we will all be here for you.

Buliej this is awful. I'm sure if they looked for it they wouldn't have missed a 5 week miscarried ectopic. I wish i could make this a little easier for you, I can feel your anguish from your post. Hoping that this is just a stupid whacky hormone thing and you get it sorted a.s.a.p. Wishing you the strength to keep going and not give up. I wont tell you to relax as i know that is absolutely impossible - cry, scream, keep busy, hound your FS for answers/tests - do whatever you feel up to.
Best wishes and many :hug:

Julie- I am so very sorry it has to be so hard...and you can't just start trying to move forward.

I am going to tell you about a past experience of mine, not to further alarm you, but perhaps just give you information which could be relevant:

When I had my ectopic pregnancy, they initially told me I was having a miscarriage, as I had a sac in my uterus and was having bleeding. My OB performed a curette when I was about 8 weeks (this was after weeks of being unsure whether I had a viable pregnancy or not, checking HCG levels etc, and then the hospital ED telling me I was just going to miscarry...eventually I got fed up with the public system and that is when I first went to my Ob). The material was sent off for testing.

About a week later and the findings of those tests alarmed my doctor, as there was not placental material (I had bled quite heavily and it could have passed already- the sonographers had been sure I had a uterine pregnancy)...he thought that was abnormal and sent me for an HCG test, which showed my levels were still elevated.

He immediately thought I probably had an ectopic pregnancy and at that stage I had developed SEVERE cramps- the pain was pretty bad. So I was given an ultrasound which showed bleeding around an ovary, near the end of the right tube. I was sent in for emergency surgery the next morning and he removed the ectopic and my right tube and said I was very very luck it had not ruptured, saved only because it was leaking out of the tube a bit (sorry if TMI).

So my ectopic was missed until about 9 weeks, and the bad pain probably started at about 7 weeks (i thought it was the miscarriage at the time)..on and off, before getting so severe.

So, it is possible you could have an ectopic. However, normally pain is associated with ectopics. I really hope you do not Julie. Like I said, sorry if my story is alarming, but I know you are like me, and like to know all possible scenarios and facts etc.

Thinking of you, I am sorry it's so hard...be gentle with yourself. the stress of not knowing now is hard to handle

Thanks so much for your support everyone - i still find it amazing how much understanding from virtual-world-only friends helps. It really, really does.

Possums - I very much appreciate your sharing your horrible experience. I do need to know these stories as I need to know what to push them on. I don't think I knew the details of your ectopic and that is horrible and I'm very, very sorry that you had to experience this....and, it seems somewhat similar to what is going on with me. I also had discharged material (a lot) that was sent off to the labs (no result yet) - but based on what you said, I now know that just because something came out doesn't mean it was in the right place. And, I haven't really mentioned this much, I did have infrequent but very sharp pains in my stomach. They were quick and didn't last long so I had a very hard time being specific as to where I felt them. I did mention these to my FS when I first started m/c'ing and she said they sounded like normal m/c pains. I am going to insist on an U/S tomorrow.

Just so I am prepared - what was the surgery like (physically) - day procedure? how long did it take for you to recover? I will be devastated if they have to remove an ovary - only 1 of mine seems to produce any eggs and if it turns out that this is what I need and that the one egg producing ovary has to be removed, my wish for a baby will be destroyed completely.

Julie,
Thanks for the comments to me, very nice of you given you are so stressed yourself..(it was an awful experience, and also the one which launched us into IVF as it was then my Ob discovered the left tube didnt look very good and my fertility therefore not good)

Basically, it is possible to have a pregnancy in the uterus and an ectopic. It was never confirmed 100% with me that was what happened, however I know one of the sonographers who firmly believes I did have a pregnancy in my uterus, which initially came away (BEFORE i went in for the curette)....the continued bleeding/pain was then from the ectopic..however, because the initial ultrasound had revealed something in my uterus, it distracted them from searching for an ectopic more I think...and nothing was visible on the early scans I had...it was only the later scan, after the curette, when they could see the blood around the ovary. Plus, like I said, initially my GP sent me to emergency at the hospital and I dont think i received the best attention there.

Just to offer you some good news, even with an ectopic, I think the ovaries are normally not removed. Even in my case, the ectopic was partly growing over my right ovary, and my Ob successfull "peeled it back off the ovary" so the ovary was saved, thank goodness (i normally ovulate on my right).
And remember, it's quite possible you don't have an ectopic (fingers crossed!).

As to the procedure, I was in hospital overnight, and was quite sore afterwards. The way it was explained to me, while the surgery is done laparoscopically (sp?) and is therefore quite non-invasive, it is fairly major surgery on the inside, where there is trauma after the removal of the tube etc...I also had some scar tissue removed from elsewhere...and there were three cuts, one near my navel for the camera to go in, and one down low (around pubic line), where the material was taken out, and one near my ovary...basically they operated through those two cuts to remove the ectopic and tube.
I was given a doctors certificate for i think it was 2-3 weeks off work, and I took that time to recover emotionallyand physically...I just took it easy... after a few days I found I could walk around more easily with less pain. You do need to wait i think 3 months they told me, before TTC again. We basically went to IVF 3 months down the track.

I certainly hope all this info is going to prove irrelevant for you!!

Certainly have a scan to make sure...

thinking of you
Emma xx

Thanks Possums - That sounds so traumatic, I really feel for you. I too hope it isn't relevant for me but I just don't have a good feeling about this.

how are you Julie- any update?

Thanks so much for asking Possums. I did not want to take over your thread with "all about me"...I have posted about my current situation in another thread ... it is here -

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...nderstand.html

After a day where I spent the entire morning either in tears or holding them back (at work no less), I am a bit calmer...but I am still having trouble accepting what is going on.

:hug: Julie. I hope you get some answers soon. :hug:
xx

dusty- I got Choosing Happiness from the library...it's great- think I need my own copy :)

Dusty, thank you too, I just borrowed Chosing Happiness also, I am in a bit of a bad head space at the moment and need something to help me think straight. Thanks again!

sounds like that is a book I need to read - will be going to the library this weekend!

For an extract see http://www.choosinghappiness.net/fil...ghappiness.pdf