Always thought I wanted a few kids, but now I don't think I want more...? Anyone else

I always planned on 2 or 3 or even 4 kids, which Shel and I had always agreed on and been excited about, but in the past month and a bit, with about a year until we were going to start TTC #2, I think I've changed my mind. Well, i' know a year is a long time, things could change etc but are they likely to? Has anyone else had this *finished* feeling? And then gone on to have more? Or still feeling *finished*?

i just feel... completely satisfied with just having Jazz, I couldn't imagine not having 1 on 1 with her, and she's my everything right now, I don't know how anything will ever top that (and yes, I know, if we had another one I'd love them just as much). I feel like I'd miss so much if we had another one...

I guess my main reason for posting was to get a feel for how many people are out there who have felt this. Maybe I'm overthinking because I can (planning and all that). How did you bring it up with your partner? I'm a bit scared of saying that I'm not sure I want any more, or at least I'm not sure I'm ready to TTC this time next year :o

I cannot help you with bulk of your post Leasha, but I am wondering if some of the troubles you and Shel have had has helped contribute to this feeling? Sorry if that is a bit too up front its just a thought.

I think regardless, you need to be up front with Shel and let her know how you are feeling. Even if you say that at the moment this is how you are feeling then reaccess again in 6 months time?

Of course I am coming from having no children yet so cannot relate to the feeling you have of being completely satisfied with Jazz.

Just be honest with her.

Nae x

I felt the same after my DD1.
It took me about 3 years to even think like I would like another one, then not long after I decided I did want another one, I just knew.
Ask me if I want # 3 and it will depend on what time of day it is lol I keep changing my mind.

You don't need to have a definite answer, you may end up wanting another one or you may not, either way it's all cool.

Leash, I'm preggers with #2 and thinking I might even be happy leaving it at that...from someone who initially thought I could go 4 or 5!
I felt exactly the same way about my DS, and sort of still do. I'm now really trying to not think about #2 for now, because I'll overthink it and freak myself out. A good BB buddy asked me in Jan if I was happy with just one (I was probably about to conceive at the time, mind you!) and I really was...and am.
A few things at play here. One big thing is that now my focus is on good age gap instead of head count. I need my headspace after a while and if spacing my kids means I have 2 or 3 instead of loads, I'm quite ok with that, more than ok with that.
I'm in a bit of a strange place in my life right now, so planning for less kids is probably better!
But I do have faith in all my BB friends with more than one child who assure me that once #2 comes along, my heart and brain will accommodate this just fine. It's not that I think this won't happen for me (cos I'm hoping like hell it does!), it just seems so remote still...and it's only about 4.5 months away...eek!
As #2 is a tangible and real prospect on my horizon I have had this question on my mind quite a bit. Leash, you're still in that space where it's you and your DD and that's where you're supposed to be :) TTC#2 is NEXT year...so much happens and your brain does all sorts of heart gymnastics in that time that it's not worth getting tied up in knots over something that hasn't happened. Cross your bridges, hun :hug:
And, importantly, you're not alone...even if it's just me with whom you're sharing this boat ;)
ETA:
What Nae says may also be part of it, I agree. DP and I are in a weird place and I've been more aware of it than he has for some time, so it's possible that it has a bearing on my wishes to have 4 or 5 of his children! Shhh...! Denial is a beautiful river in Egypt...

:hug: Leash, if you don't want any more children now there is no reason to do so. Wait a while and see if your thinking changes. Tell Shel you don't know if you want to go back for #2 quite so soon.

We made a decision before our DD that we would wait 4 or 5 years for #2. After DD I was convinced I wanted 3, 1 more than our original thoughts. DP is now sure that he would be happy to stop at one, but by the same token knows I want at least one more. It's a compromise on both our sides, since I know he will not have more than 2 unless something changes drastically in our lives (like winning lotto!) and he knows I do want to have another.

GL with talking to Shel.

Leash - i think there are many things to take into consideration here - some of the stuff that Nae mentioned with Shel is probably playing on your mind to a degree and may be impacting your thoughts - as much as you have, in the past, talked about her being the tummy mummy next time and then being the SAHM with both kids, and given she's not being very helpful with one, it would have you thinking a lot about what impact it will have on not only your relationship, but the way your kidlets are raised

i also think you've done it tough to not only get Jazz (AC is damn hard) but to get through to now with BF issues, and essentially (no offence to Shel) being a single mum a lot of the time. Shel is there for some support, but your relationship has been pretty rocky and, from a physical standpoint, you've done most of what has needed to be done for Jazz. she's still a baby, but she's past that fully reliant on you part of her life - she is independent to a degree, has developed a personality - and now she's company for you, not just a baby that needs you to do it all for her.

thinking of TTC again in a year has to be pretty full on - not only are you contemplating Jazz being a little over two and going BACK to newborn stage, you're thinking of who will carry the baby, what impact it will have on you and Shel etc. maybe now just isn't the right time to be thinking about it. there is so much to think about when contemplating another child - and in your circumstances, nothing is left up to chance - you HAVE to be calculated about timing, you have to be able to organise finances. it's scary stuff, ESPECIALLY when you're feeling content in your life

as Nae said - give it a few months - see how you are feeling as an individual, a partner, and a mummy - and if you think that you only want one still, then so be it. there is nothing at all wrong with being an only child. if Shel thinks you NEED to have another child, then you need to work through the issues you have so that you're on the same page re raising two, joint parenting responsibilities etc...

Leasha, I just wanted to add onto what the others have said, dont forget that you have just started up your business so maybe at the moment you cant see past the business and Jazz? FWIW, I have 4 years between my kids. I just never felt ready to have anymore when they were so young. DS was born when DD was at kinder. This meant I had heaps of 1 on 1 time with him while she was at kinder, and on her days at home I had heaps of 1 on 1 time with her when DS was asleep. It will be the same situation when number 3 is born.

All I can say is never say never. You might stay happy with Jazz forever, you might have another in 2 years, you might wait 10 years.
Its obviously a bit more complicated for you guys to have kids than most of us, so I wouldn't blame you at all for settling on one. You guys haven't exactly had a walk in the park, but you have come along way!
It is a decision that only you guys can make. :)

I guess i can't talk from the side of what it must be like going through the TTC process with AC...

BUT: i had to have a skim of Jazz's ticker as i like to see the age of bubs when i see these kind of ponderings...in my [short] experience, i have found the 9 month age period with bubs to be a time of reflection. bubba is usually in a more set pattern, their personalities are really there and there is a semblance of the future life that you will lead and it can feel really nice. especially after all the hoopla and carouselling of the newborn/new baby daze.

i guess the 9 month mark is a time when you can truly hold your head up high for a big breath of fresh air, and go: okay, so what's the story ppl!'...

i went through this and really began to wonder if i would ever want to go for another baby. i was finally happy with the balance DD and I and DH had worked out and i was a bit frightened what a new baby could put into the mix. i was a bit disappointed with myself for these thoughts and was a bit anxious about it, as i knew that pre-kids i wanted to have 2. so in the end, i gave myself permission to take time to enjoy the moments i was experiencing with DD and DH and if the yearning came for another baby to go with it. a good friend once said to me, that the time for another baby is when all your doubts and fears fade away in comparison to your drive to have another. and the moment that that happened for me, BINGO. want another baby. my DD is now 20 months, and this flashbulb of my reproductive self only just went off about a week ago. no stopping it now LOL!

IMO i know it's tough to not analyse the way we feel about the future babies we may or may not have, but sometimes just allowing yourself to let go and allow yourself come to that conclusion is the best way. i do really think that it is important to talk this through though with Shel. allow her to have time to process what you feel so that she can give you her perspective and support. and no doubt, things will find a natural balance and in its own right time you'll know if you are really done or not.

Hi Leash

Just thought I'd put my 2 cents in - I posted almost the exact thing a couple of months ago. I always wanted 2 or 3 kids but now that I've got DS (he turns 1 today BTW - :dance:) I just can't imagine 'sharing' myself with another child.

We're just going with the flow. If we never get that urge for another child then we'll stick to one...and if we change our minds down the track, that's fine too.

I think it's completely 'normal' to feel this way, especially when bub is still so young. The most important thing is to make sure you and your partner are communicating about it.

I COMPLETELY understand where you're coming from Leasha.

If it wasn't for my age, I would be very happy to wait until DD goes to school before having another. I absolutely love being able to spend so much one-on-one time with her that I can't imagine not being able to read her a book/go for a walk whenever we feel like it if I also had a newborn to take care of. I'm a bit of a perfectionist so if I think about it in advance, it strikes me that I would be dividing my attention between two and to me that FEELS a bit half-arsed. Now, I'm sure that if and when it actually happens I won't actually feel I'm doing a half-arsed job, I'll feel like I'm doing a no-arsed job some days and a kick-arse job on others. But that's just the way the mind works when it thinks too much. And my mind can always see cons more easily that it sees pros.

Alas, my age means that we can't delay.

As the others have said, if you're not feeling supported by Shel that would have to weigh very heavily on your mind too.

There's no rulebook to say that you have to TTC next year. You can change your mind (and change it back again) - so take the pressure off yourself a bit.

I feel exactly the same about Ava, Leash. About a month ago I had a pregnancy scare and sat on my patio crying for about 2 hours because of that reason. Missing out on my 1 on 1 time with Ava. Atm, I am completely content with Ava, that could change but atm I wouldn't be upset if I only had 1.

Leash, TBH I really have been feeling the same. The Bear is very keen on more kids but right now I just want to give DD all my attention, and I am not in a hurry to have any more babies. Maybe when she is older I'll want a baby again, but right now I am just enjoying being with her. Also I agree with Mayaness on it being more about a good age gap than about numbers. And on the headspace thing.... I need to have a certain amount of headspace (not to mention sleep) otherwise I just become a completely horrible person so I don't want to overload myself IYKWIM? And I don't find it that easy to get the headspace even now so with more than one, I am not sure how I would do it.
Anyway, you're certainly not alone. Just roll with it. The way I see it, either you'll change your mind later and TTC then, or you won't and you'll be happy with Jazz.

I kind of felt the same. I knew I wanted more then one as i wanted Kayla to have a sibling especially when she is an adult and DH and I have passed. But when DH said he was ready to try for #2 when Kayla was 14months old I just wasn't ready. I (like you) wasn't ready to give up my 1 on 1 time with Kayla and really she was only still a baby herself.

Anyway, so we waited untill I felt that feeling again. The feeling of wanting a child (or in this case another child). I waited untill I got clucky again. Kayla will be 3.5 when this bub is born and I am very happy with this gap. She is quite independent, understands me, can help me out, is out of nappies etc etc. I will be able to involve her with caring for her sister. She will have different needs to her sister, iykwim, which i think will make it a bit easier.

So my advice is, go with your feelings. Wait untill you are ready. Don't worry about age gaps etc as they all have their pros and cons. You are still young (like me ;) ) and don't need to rush. Just enjoy your gorgeous princess for now and you will know when you are ready.

:hug:

Things ebb and flow chick, its all good xoxoxo

I knew once Jasmine was born that I was done. I too always thought I would have about 4 kids. But I just felt finished. I just blerted it out one day when Corey and I were sitting down together and he was not surprised as he was feeling the same way. Its always best to be honest with how you are feeling, then you can't resent her for anything later.

Goodluck hun.

Me too.
We say we want 3-4, but honestly sometimes not only do I feel I would be happy with just the one, but I'm not really sure if I do want more. I know that the whole AC thing is definitely one reason for this.
But LuLu is quite right - I'm always changing my mind;)

Some days I think I could have another two and other days I think why rock the boat, what we have now is perfect..... Depends on the day for me!

Leasha,

What i wanted to say, BG has said beautifully !

I had a very hard time with DS#2. It was such a stressful time that it took me five years to be able to go back and have DS#3.
After all the ups and downs i needed to get my head in the right place.
Give yourself time - maybe its a bit too early to be setting anything in concrete.

Good luck.

xxxoooo

I fluctuate between just DS and more.

There are pros and cons. The biggest factor, for me, is how much help I'll get. DH was pretty crappy with baby DS, but is better with toddler DS and looks like he'll be Dream Daddy with primary-school-age DS. PiL are worse than useless, so we're looking to move, although that's not a promise of more children.

And then there's "me time". DS age 7, I get a WHOLE WEEKEND just for me! I won't get that with a pre-schooler around. Unless pre-schooler goes to Mum's! But I wouldn't want that, not really. I'd want to spend time.

Also, there's the "post birth" stuff. Not only "who the hell is this child, I didn't give birth, you just brought this baby to me a few hours after you took me into a theatre" stuff that isn't ideal to think about doing twice, but also the family stuff and visitors and the like.

Of course, there are days when I just need to have more children. That life isn't going to be complete without having MY child. I know DS is my child but I didn't get that when he was a baby. I need a BABY, to have that part of my life. To give birth. To have a baby of my own. To be a mother. To have more love, because I have more to give.

It's hard. I want more atm, but another time I won't and will be able to say how great it is spending time just DS and being a happy family of 3 and that all his needs are met, not pushed aside because someone else thinks they need me more. My little sister... I really wished her not around as a teenager, she took everything from me. Mum wanted me to be more like her, she was a brat, the only time I needed my parents she went and trumped me need so I had NO support or help... I won't do that to DS. He has to be an only. I can't hurt him the way I was hurt, and I was only hurt because of a sibling that I only liked once I'd stopped living with her for 5 years.

omg i was only just saying this to a friend the other day and i thought i was stupid for feelign how i was. i keep thinkin that if we have another bub that jayda will feel let out because i wont have time fo rthe 1 on 1 and that because DH doesnt do much it will be so much harder.