Ruby Mae.

On the 8th of February I went into labour at 36 weeks. The day before was Black Saturday and I thought the 47C weather had put me into labour.

We went to the hospital and Ruby was born three hours later. The midwives were concerned straight away. She was breathing but very floppy and they took her straight to the special care nursery. I had hardly even looked at her.

By the time I got out of my bed and got in there to see her they were worried. She wasn't getting enough oxygen and her left hand and foot seemed to be paralysed. They decided to send her to a NICU and the NETS team were called in to transport her. I was terrified. I hadn't expected this. The pregnancy had been just like my others and even during labour she had a good strong heartbeat and they told me not to worry.

NETS had to tube her to get her oxygen up. Then her lung collapsed. They fixed it and then her other lung collapsed. It took them 7 hours to stabilise her and take her to the Mercy Hospital with lights and sirens blaring. They told us she might not make the journey. I felt like I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak and I shook the entire trip to the Mercy which was 40 minutes away.

At the Mercy they put her onto a special ventilator and she was hooked up to so many machines. I just wanted to pick her up and hold her. I still hadn't held her and it was killing me. She just wasn't improving. I could feel my heart breaking. They brought in specialists from the Children's hospital and we were told that they suspected a genetic disorder called Spinal Muscular Atrophy.

They gave us a little room with beds and sent me off to get some sleep at midnight on the Monday night. I hadn't slept or even laid down since she was born and I was totally exhausted. I went and sat in that room but I couldn't sleep. The phone rang at 2 am and my heart jumped out of my chest. I thought she had gone and I wasn't there with her. She was still there they said but she was fading. We ran the 15 metres to her bedside. And they handed her to me. She improved slightly. They phoned our mothers at 3 am and told them that she wasn't going to make it until morning. They rushed into the hospital.

At 8 am Ruby was still hanging on. I had been holding her for hours and they wanted to do some tests so they put her back into that bed and sent me downstairs for food. I was back up there by 8.30 and that is when they told me that she was not going to survive. I collapsed - and I was taken to emergency. I got out of there as quickly as I could and went back to my beautiful little girl. There was no way I was going to miss a minute of her life.

They gave us time to be with her. I just willed time to slow down so that it seemed like longer. At 2pm they began to unhook her from all of her machines. Jeff held her while they did this and then handed her to me. I got to hold her without any machines or wires. By 2.30 she was gone.

My mother bathed her and dressed her and I went to see her afterwards but I was scared to pick her up. I knew I wouldn't be able to let her go. She looked so peaceful in her little pink dress and I just held her hand for what seemed like hours.

For weeks after she died I didn't cope at all. I stopped sleeping, eating and taking care of the house. Luckily I had people to help me. I developed anxiety and panic attacks and I would freak out if I didn't know where the kids were.

I am a lot calmer now. But my heart is still broken and I think it always will be. I feel lost and angry. I don't know how I am supposed to go on. But I am a mother and my other kids need me - so I will.
I just think that everyday is going to be a bit sadder without having Ruby here with me where she should be. Does it ever get better?

Oh hun :( My heart broke reading what you have been through.

I am so very sorry you have been through what you have been through.

Im not much help im afraid but i just wanted to offer my support :hug:

Sending you lots of strength :hug:

:hug:

I am so, so sorry for your loss of your gorgeous little girl.

I am sorry that i dont have any wise words, i just wanted to offer you a hug.

Take care of yourself !

xxxxoooo

Oh TF, I wondered where you had gone...:crying:

I can't believe this has happened :comfort:
Do you still have support at home? Is there anything the Melbourne girls can do?

I'm so so sorry xoxoxo

I too dont really have any words that could possibly help........I am just so so so sorry for you and your family!

Wishing you all the support and strength in the world! :hug:

Im so sorry that you have had to go through this terribly painfull time and im sure there are plenty of women here who will have beautful words of support for you and offer you help and love!

I send you big hugs and just know that your little princess will always be smiling down on her mummy. I read a beautifull poem posted on her only yesterday that i thought was lovely, maybe you have already read it or i could find it for you and post it here!

I am so sorry for your loss - it is heartbreaking.

Oh wow - Hun, you don't know me at all probably, but I am so very sorry bout your loss and just wanted to come in and offer some cyber hugs :grouphug:

Thankyou for the support girls. I am getting a little better day by day. I am just trying to adjust to my new normal. It sounds odd - but it is how I view it. I am not the same person I was before she was born and I never will be.

Lulu - I still have a bit of help but if I need you guys I will be sure to ask.

Congratulations on the birth of your little girl. I am so sorry that she was here for such a short time.

:hug: Rest in peace, Ruby.

Be kind to yourself and don't hestitate to reach out for help if you need it because there are so many people who are here for you and ready to step up in any way possible.

:comfort: Im so sorry...
Ruby Mae is a gorgeous name for a special princess :hug:

Im so very very very sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you.

Jo

Oh hun, I'm so sorry for your loss.

oh I am so sorry to read your story, i have tears streaming down my face.

Huge hugs

RIP Ruby Mae

hi

I am crying reading your story, big hugs for you.
I know exactly what you are going through as I have gone through a similar thing on 23rd Feb this year, read mine and my precious little girl's story here: https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...ilda-rose.html
I understand that you will never feel the same again, I am a different person now and have a different view of life and death. I too have to be strong for my other children, but it is so hard to get through each day without her.
If you want to talk please pm me.
Take care, thinking of you and your precious little girl Ruby Mae,

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious Ruby Mae. My heart is just breaking for you. Keep those precious memories that you have of your beautiful daughter close to your heart, she will be always with you.

Regards,
Dianne

No words can express how it feels to lose a baby.. I am so sorry for the loss of Ruby Mae. Such a beautiful name! No more I can say, but just offer you support and comfort in that you are not alone.. There is plenty of support such as SANDS and Bonnie Babes (and Belly belly of course).. I know the support meetings with Bonnie Babes help me.. :hug:

I'm so sorry :(

I am so sorry. There is nothing to say except that, and I really am sorry for your loss.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Ruby.
My heart is breaking for you, I can't imagine what you must be going through.
Life is so unfair sometimes.

Honey. I am so, so, so sorry for your loss.

Wishing you all the strength in the world.

xxoo

TF I had wondered where you were - and am so sad to read your story. :hug:

Congratulations on birthing your daughter - and on the incredible strength and courage you have to live through this time.

Sending you my love and support as you grieve Ruby... :hug:

Fly gently Ruby... :hug:

im sorry hun , RIP Ruby .. :hug:

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Ruby. :hug:

RIP beautiful girl.

I am sorry you lost your little girl, may she rest in peace knowing you love her.

I am so deeply sorry for the loss of you precious daughter Ruby Mae. I understand when you say your heart is broken, mine it too and I don't think it will ever be the same.
Our lives, our outlooks our whole beings are changed forever, by the beautiful but oh so short visit we've from our beautiful angels, and now by having to deal with life without them.
Many hugs to you hun, I hope and pray life can only get better for you from now on.
RIP sweet little girl Ruby Mae.
Beata.

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl Ruby, my heart goes out to you. I have heard some great things about SIDS if you feel that speaking to someone will help. Take care of yourself :hug:

im so sorry to read of the loss of beautiful ruby mae...lots of love rach xxx

TOTALFROG _ I have just come into here by mistake & have been utterfly captivated by your story of the wonderfully strong Ruby Mae. She fought so very, very hard to stay, but it was against her will - she just couldn't. I can tell she desperately wanted to.

I really hope you feel Ruby with you & your family always.

Jayne x