Is it ok to avoid pregnant people after loss?

Well the one SIL I get along with (at times) is coming down in a couple of weeks and has organised a BBQ at her sisters place, shes due in August with her 2nd and I'm pretty sure its going to turn into part baby shower aswell.

I really dont wanna go :redface: DH's whole family kinda suck at being comforting and I know the fact shes pregnant again with a wonderful pregnancy is going to be thrown in my face. And more snide remarks will be made about my 3 m/c's and my complicated pregnancies.

a. after loss did you try to avoid pregnant people, if so for how long and how did you get out of having to see them?

b. if you didnt avoid people how did you feel afterwards?

I feel bad that I dont want to go the BBQ, if i knew it wasnt going to turn part baby shower i think i would be fine. argh i dont know! :wall:

ive not had a loss.
but i wouldnt be offended and think if it i s what you need to be able to cope then that is fiine.

hopefully your sil wont turn into a pregzilla about it and understand :)

hugs hun, you do what feels right for you.
Im sure more understanding people would be ok with the fact that you might find a gathering like that a bit upsetting, and if they dont, well, its up to you.
after my losss, it seemed like evrywhere I looked and went I saw pregnant people, makes oit hard at times, I know.

Hi toomanyshoes,

I had difficulties conceiving again on top of a missed m/c and I found myself avoiding pg women and those who I thought might be pg as well for quite some time after my m/c :redface: I just could not cope with being around them - don't get me wrong I was happy for them, but it just made me sadder for myself KWIM?

Those that knew about my loss I just told the truth to if I didn't feel up to a gathering, and those that didn't I made up a story to get out of it. I did feel bad about it, but I think in the end you have to look after yourself and do whatever you think is best for yourself. I would have hated to turn into a blubbering mess at some gathering because I could not handle it. And if you know that you will have comments made to you, well I would not be putting myself through that.

Maybe if you feel really bad though, you could just show up for a while and leave early? Can DH have a quiet word to his family about it at all?

Sorry probably not much help really but :hug: I feel your pain :(

My two miscarriages were quiet early (bubs were only 4w3d and 5w2d)

Personally I didn't avoid pregnant women after these. As sad as they were my way of thinking is that there was something wrong with them to stop them developing further.

After Nikita died (she was 16 weeks preterm and 8 days old when she passed) we have a newborn at her funeral which was difficult and I did avoid other pregnant women for a few months but after that I realised that you can't avoid it. I saw preggie women and newborns more than ever and I just had to get use to it.

Sorry I know that seems like really cold way of looking at it but sooner or later they will be right under your nose and you will have to face it.


Putting this into persepctive for you though -

I think if the family gathering will be too hard then don't go. I cannot imagine how hard that will be especially with a group of insentitive people around you. Snide remarks are so unhelpful with the healing process.
That being said depending on how long ago you lost your baby, it could be an excellent opportunity to face what you fear to start the next phase of the healing process. Just go for a little while make an appearence and see how you go.
Its very hard when things are still so fresh though so make your decision closer to when time comes. Maybe if your DP goes in representation of you both and sends your well wishes?

Its a tough call - these are the things we all have to face at one time or another but i promise you the first time will always be the hardest, it does get easier :hug:

thanks for the replies girls

it only happen a week ago as of tomorrow and BBQ is about 2 weeks away so by then it would have happened 3 weeks prior.

my DH wont say anything, he will not talk to his family about that kind of thing (which drives me up the wall :wall: )

i know i'm being silly I just cbf dealing with it all, im really sitting on the fence guess i need to flip a coin or something :doh:

Toomanyshoes, for what it's worth I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to avoid a family gathering cum baby shower if you feel uncomfortable about it. I had a loss at around 6 weeks and tbh I was quite relieved (it just wasn't the right time for us) so I didn't feel the need to avoid pregnant friends/family, but there was a good year or two before I met DH, when I was having a really hard time watching my friends all settle down and start families and wondering if it wsa ever going to happen for me, kwim? Kind of like what I imagine a couple going through IVF would feel - everyone around them is blissfully happy, getting what they want, and here's me all alone and miserable and jealous and just wanting a bub so badly, kwim?
So I didn't avoid friends and family after my loss, but there was quite a long period before that when I couldn't stand to be around pregnant friends and family for those reasons. It wasn't so hard for me to, say, be out shopping and see pregnant women walk past, yes it hurt a little, but nowhere near as much as hearing my friends gush on about how excited they were/complain about having to pee constantly etc...
It was only when DH and I started trying for a family and were successful, that I felt ready to be around close friends who had babies/were pregnant again - it no longer felt like it was being 'rubbed in my face' (I mean, I KNOW none of them would do that but I was just so despairing of ever having my own family that I felt like the universe was just taunting me, kwim?) and basically I 'got what I wanted' and was more than happy to share the experience with those who were going through it or had been there.

If I were in your situation, I suppose I would decide by weighing up exactly how hard it would be on me to be around all that baby talk/excitement, kwim?? Like, if I could put up with it, keep a straight face and act like nothing was wrong (and pull it off convincingly), then I would probably go... but if there was a chance it would be too much for me and I'd end up spending the whole time holed up in a spare bedroom bawling or being catty with people who won't shut up about babies/pregnancy, then no, I'd make some lame excuse (probably at last minute, like a sudden tummy bug lol) and not show up - for me, the embarrassment of being seen to 'be causing drama' would be worse than having to grin and bear it, kwim?

I'm very sorry for your loss hun, I hope you're getting the support and care that you need to help you through this difficult time. My thoughts are with you and your little angel.

I chose to not put myself in certain circumstances following my loss. the ILs are not that great, and some occasions when i knew i had an out (only had to be there a short while or i knew that supportive people would be there) i felt ok about going. Other times when i knew it wasn't going to be good for me, i stayed home.

For me it worked, gave me the time i needed to heal, and now i am strong enough i can just ignore comments if they happen and i am ok about it.

You have to do what is right for you, and not feel bad. I felt that by taking the time i needed, it would actually better the relationship with the ILs. If i had to put up with them when i was raw, it might do more damage to my feelings about them, than any damage done by missing the BBQ (IYKWIM)

take care

I think that you need to put yourself first in this case and do what makes you comfortable - you are entitled to take care of yourself - just because one person wouldn't need the space that you need doesn't make it wrong for you to need it. I think it's worthwhile explaining this to them but if they don't understand, that is their issue and not yours.

hun i didn't realise it was only a week ago. :hug: so sorry for your loss.

I think that you should just follow your instint and if you decide on the day to go or not go then that will be the right thing to do.

When you have mulitple losses people seem to brush them off a bit more so I can appreciate you not wanting to be around snide remarks.

Be gentle with yourself

So sorry about your angel babies.

It's more than ok to avoid pregnant women. It's very very natural and it's protective.

I haven't, but only because it would be impossible for me. I had 5 friends pregnant at the same time as me who have all had their babies - one lives across the road. And I have another 7 friends pregnant. I lost my baby at 35 weeks in January, and have still visited my other friends with new babies. I think I find it ok when I am with them. I'm finding it hard to be out in public when there's lots of babies around but visiting friends has not been too bad.

As for my pregnant friends it's been ok up to a point. I can't discuss their pregnancies with them. I got invited to a baby shower the other day and I'm not going to that. Couldn't do it. But I talk to them about other things and manage to ask very basic questions about their pregnancies (eg have you found out the sex, when are you due again). How I feel really depends on the day.

I don't think you are being silly, and don't think you need to make a decision now. Maybe you could see how you feel on the day. If it's a good day then you could go but give yourself permission to leave early if needed. If you needed to leave early you could give your DH a subtle nudge and just leave quietly. Call your SIL later on to apoligise if you feel it's needed. Or if you can, talk to her beforehand and let her know it's hard for you and you may not come/or you may leave early. This would have the benefit of helping her (and maybe the rest of your ILs) realise that you are hurting.

If you decide not to go at all, don't be hard on yourself. You need to look after yourself.

xx Bec.

Toomanyshoes, I'm very sorry for your loss. :hug:

To answer your questions yes, I avoided newborns & young bubs in general as well. Which was horrible for my SIL as she felt awfull that her bub (who was about 4 months at the time) was making me feel awful - which made me feel worse - but she understood. I also avoided pregnant people, but as time goes on it gets easier. You sort of come to terms with the fact that you will have a baby one day and it will be all yours and very special to you.

I think you have to do what is comfortable for you first, and also your DH. Perhaps if you do go just let him in that you're not feeling the best so he can be there by your side when people make snide remarks, after all you are in this together.

Much love to you and your Family, hun and I'm very sorry you've had to experience this :hug:

I'm sorry for your loss, andI think you should do what's right for you. I find it hard being around pregnant women too, and sometimes you have to protect yourself. All the best

You are not being silly. All my losses were early & after each one I got very upset at just the sight of a pregnant woman or a newborn bub. I tried to avoid gatherings where they might be but to be honest it's pretty hard to do.

I remember being upset whenever I was around my then partner's sister because I was originally due before she was, then I was due a month afterwards, then with the third pregnancy in that 12 month period I was due 4 months after her. She was a constant reminder for me of what I'd lost. She was not tactful at all & constantly talked about her pregnancy which made it extremely difficult for me. I was OK while I was pregnant, but so not OK when I wasn't. She just didn't seem to get how difficult it was for me to hear all the baby talk.

I remember after I had the 2nd loss that year that I told my then partner that I was not even going to go to the hospital to see her when the baby was born cos I knew I'd just sit there and bawl so why put myself through that. Luckily for me though I was pregnant again by then so I managed to go without an issue.

I found shopping centres a nightmare because after a loss they seem to be filled with pregnant women & newborns. Seeing kids queuing to see Santa would make me bawl, seeing parents getting their bubs photos taken at those photo places in the shops would make me bawl.... any kids entertainment in the shops would bring tears..... they just reminded me of what I'd lost.... and because of my age I'd got to the stage that I thought I'd never have a bub.

I actually remember seeing longing glances from women when I was heavily pregnant & I knew exactly what was going through their heads because I'd been there.

Do whatever you have to do to get yourself through. If that is avoiding family gatherings for a while then do it. If like me it means walking out of a room mid baby conversation to sit in a room on your own or sob out in the backyard go do it. Only you will be able to get yourself out of the uncomfortable situation.

so I didn't feel the need to avoid pregnant friends/family, but there was a good year or two before I met DH, when I was having a really hard time watching my friends all settle down and start families and wondering if it wsa ever going to happen for me, kwim? Kind of like what I imagine a couple going through IVF would feel - everyone around them is blissfully happy, getting what they want, and here's me all alone and miserable and jealous and just wanting a bub so badly, kwim?
So I didn't avoid friends and family after my loss, but there was quite a long period before that when I couldn't stand to be around pregnant friends and family for those reasons. It wasn't so hard for me to, say, be out shopping and see pregnant women walk past, yes it hurt a little, but nowhere near as much as hearing my friends gush on about how excited they were/complain about having to pee constantly etc...
It was only when DH and I started trying for a family and were successful, that I felt ready to be aroun

Hi

I recently lost my baby girl.
And now one of my ex-friends is pregnant.
After being so evil about me being pregnant she's pregnant herself.
And i feel she's throwing it back in my face as well.
I try to avoid her as much as possible cause it does hurt so much.
She's the girlfriend of my baby girl's dad's best friend (if that makes sense)
So its really hard even more.
I feel she rubs it in my face every chance she gets.
But from my point of view its not wrong to avoid pregnant women.
Its just your/my way of dealing with our loss.
I mean, i dont really have that many people behind me supporting me as much as possible cause no one really approved of me being pregnant.
Technically, i'm just another case of teen pregnancy..

But i'm here if you need to talk to anyone aye..

*Bree-Ana*

i have had 4 m/c and yes i think its perfectly normal to want to avoid ppl who r pregnant, its to painfull and as u said ur df family isnt very comforting which doesnt help,
i did avoid ppl who were pregnant untill I was ready !!! stuff anyone else , YOU do what is right for YOU!!!

Yeah thank you.
I mean its very hard to avoid those people when i go to school with them.
And then if she gets a chance to rub in my face, she does it.
But i still want a baby so badly.
I mean when i'm talking to my best mate she's saying she's ready for one and her soon to be fiance' is too..
And it hurts cause i wont be ready for a while with high school and uni..
I dont know what i want to do.
Most people are just like "aw whatever she's a teenager"
But it still hurts just as much cause i'm ready to be a mother whether i'm a teen or not.

*Bree-Ana*

ppl who say "ah dont worry shes just a teenager" it doesnt matter how old u r its till going to hurt, its still the loss of a child, hunni just ignore ppl who say that they dont understand, i was ready for a baby at 17 but waited till i was 19, best thing i ever did, i finished high school and all that, i lived life like a teenager was ment to and now im 24 and just had my second. i understand ur hurting , BIG HUGS!!!!!! u do what u feel is right for u , it may take w while for u to figure out what that is right now cos ur hurting but just do what feels right :)

Yeah thats how i feel as well, its like who cares if i'm a teenager i still am going through a pain any person would no matter how old they are.
With loosing my baby girl i really want a baby now but i dont think thats going to happen due to the fact well my partner isn't ready and we are both studying.
Even then i dont feel like i'm living like a teen so much with having the distraught and pain of loosing a baby.
Its nice to have people understand what i'm going through, my friends or family (that knows) just dont get anything i'm on about. Even my partner (isnt the baby's father) just listens when i just need someone to listen.
At the moment, i have no idea what's right but i know i will eventually figure it out.

Yeah.

*Bree-Ana*