Disappointing Parent Teacher Interview

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I find it staggering that people wouldn't want to be involved in their children's education, even at such a basic level as meeting the teacher. I mean, how onerous is it?? Why wouldn't you?????

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It isn't onerous, "why wouldn't you?" well because you don't realise that it is expected of you, because you believe the channel of communication is the 'communication' book, because you don't think using teachers time for "progress checks" without any reason to check is a valuable use of their time.

This fascination on meeting the teacher, if the OP had met her first week of school prior to any issues and then hadn't been informed is that acceptable from the school?

If at work I didn't inform key stakeholders of issues just because I hadn't 'met' them, I wouldn't get very far. Stakeholders expect to be informed without having to chase me and then they step up and do the necessary - if I had the attitude well they haven't bothered to meet me they obviously don't care, I will just wait till the next review meeting to tell them, I wouldn't get very far. If I spent my whole time telling them what is going on, and not actually doing anything I would also not get the best outcome.

Yes, if I had to update everyone on the status or their order every day, I wouldn't get too much done.
However, the second there is a problem that I can't fix myself, I am straight on the phone to them.
And I have lots more than 25 clients.

I'd be interested to hear from some BB members who are primary/secondary teachers.

So you expect a teacher to write in 25 kids communication books every day, good or bad?
I had no idea such an archaic way of communication still existed tbh :dunno:
Our teacher happily communicates via email.

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So you expect a teacher to write in 25 kids communication books every day, good or bad?
I had no idea such an archaic way of communication still existed tbh :dunno:
Our teacher happily communicates via email.

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No! That's the point.
I expect communication when it is needed.
Which means is my child is struggling in a area and his teacher thinks he needs extra help then they should contact me.
A single line 30 second message asking me to come in for a meeting is NOT going above the call do duty for any teacher.
I shouldn't have to organinse weekly or monthly reviews to be afforded this "courtesy"

I am a teacher with a very varied background. I have been qualified to teach for about 25 years. I have worked in a variety of settings ranging from suburbs near Brisbane wih a high level of prison housing to newer suburbs in Canberra's "Nappy Valley" to being a teacher at a youth detention centre and working in tiny country schools.

Every school in in my experience has been a direct reflection of the boss. How parents have been involved in a school has really impacted in the general atmosphere of a school.

Smaller country schools seem to have more parent involvement (per head of kids) in my experience. This may not be the experience of other teachers.

I personally like to invite parents to a "meet the teacher" evening/arvo at the school early every year. Some schools have encouraged this. Others have actively been against it to the extent of not willingly letting me be on school grounds with parents after hours!!!

I tend to run two sessions early in the year. Both usually in the first week. One at 3pm so "pick-up" parents can easily attend and one at 6 ish so working parents can easily attend.
These sessions are usually attended by about 2/3 of the parents and in my experience those who do not attend are usually the ones who complain the loudest and most unreasonably when something goes wrong.

I have used several forms of communication with parents. I personally favour giving carers a call if anything unusual happens or a child gets into a problem. I often wait for the "pick-up" parents and make this a Face to face. If something odd happens (not behavioural for that child, like a lunch gets stolen or kid seems a bit off colour I tend to pop a hand written note in the kids bag for mum.
For children who need more assistance for whatever reason I use communication books. I will often start one of these for kid who has learning issues, gets new glasses, parents report a family incident like a death in the family or a divorce. Kids with behaviour issues get e book just so we all keep on top of things.
In an average class I would write in probably 5-8 books each day.
If a kid really surprises me with their learning in a positive or negative way I would probably send a note home.......just to keep us all on the right page.

I must say at most schools I've worked at we talk about kids a fair bit with other teachers and if we are worried about a negative interview we'd chat to others about positive things we could say.

Hope this helps

As for OP I think perhaps communication systems aren't working for you or the teacher. I suggest look to the schools boss and see what could be done.

There is little progress made in hashing over what's gone wrong. Communicating your concerns is important. Working towards and improvement is more important.

Keep in mind I no longer teach full time ..........................................

Moderator Message »
There is a great discussion going on here but please remember to keep it nice. Let's not let it get derailed. We are all mums or dads, or mums to be, whether we work outside the home or not. Please respect each other's opinions.

My 2 cents...

Although I agree that if the student is struggling or getting in trouble, the school should be contacting the parents, I also tend to have the philosophy of - don't expect everyone else to do the right thing.
I'm like that with driving, work, and the people looking after/educating my kids.

I feel that by striking up a relationship with my kids educators, I am opening up the lines of communication and they know we are working towards a common goal.

My SIL & BIL are both PS teachers and have both said that they find it much easier to talk to the parents who make themselves known to them. They tend to find it intimidating to talk to parents they don't have a relationship with because they feel that these days, parents tend to be very defensive and show little respect towards them as teachers.

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Astrid, my understanding is that all state schools in Victoria (at least) have these types of info sessions at the beginning of the school term.

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Year 3 this year and the first time interviews have been held at the start of the year. The reason give was nothing to do with what other schools were doing. An info session, is different to a 3 way interview with the teacher, parents and student.
We are are a regional school and tend to follow what the other schools in the region are doing (principals have regular meetings), what they decide to do as a group may differ to what is done in Melbourne schools.
(not posting as an argument, just an FYI ;))

I am a teacher, and the majority of parents in primary school do make contact with the teachers in the first week. We tend to send home a welcome letter and I'm more than happy to take 30 mins a week to fire off a reply if any parents have concerns. We have a range of home environments, but most parents do acknowledge the welcome note through email or phone call, if they are unable to do school drop offs/pick ups
Admittedly the schools I've been at only have around 500 students, as our classes have been about 25 students, so its been easier to maintain contact with families.
As a parent, I have only been able to pick my DD up from school about 25% of the time. Im also *that* parent who only finds notes when its the night before, or too late, so the teacher calls and will touch base that way. We did the parent teacher interview over the phone this semester as I couldnt get into the class at all.

I think it is probably worth considering that while some may view regular check ins with teachers as a poor use of the teachers time, I think the opposite may well be true. A few minutes spent making sure you are both on the same page and complimenting each others efforts instead of pulling in opposite directions or missing things would often actually decrease the time the teacher spends trying to work through issues, getting students up to speed and putting out spot fires with disgruntled parents. Time spent preventing an issue today is much better than the two or three fold time spent when it the issue rears comes to the surface bigger and trickier 6 months later. Obviously disruptive communication like breathing down a teachers neck, micromanaging and having unrealistic expectations about how a student is or should be travelling is going to be problematic for a teachers time, but there is plenty of room between 'haven't spoken to the teacher all year' and 'lengthy tongue lashing every week' for effective communication to happen and save time down the track.

Oh dinky, I'd be so disappointed after that meeting too. I'm really concerned that it sounds like this teacher doesn't really like your daughter and has a negative view of her. That's not a good environment for your daughter to be in. If she's always being told what she does isn't good enough or clever enough then it's going to really impact her love for learning and confidence in her abilities. I think you need to follow up with another meeting to try and discuss it all more.

As for the discussion on meeting a teacher, I am surprised that you didn't make time in the first week of school to be there for a pick up and to meet her teacher at least once. To meet the teacher for the first time mid-year seems odd. But regardless of that I do think you should have been notified when your daughter was sent to the principal's office and when plans were being made such as not allowing her to spend time with a certain friend. I'd be questioning the principal about that and just letting them know you are keen to be kept in the loop and you are available for meetings if they contact you.

This is a quote from the Raising children website

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All parents will have a different relationship with their child’s school. This relationship isn’t just about direct contact with the school, but also includes relationships with other parents, your child’s friends and teachers. The relationship might change as your child gets older, or when things change at work or at home.

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This is the point - all parents have different forms of relationships with their children and their children's school - just because you haven't 'met' the teacher does not make you an un-involved parent, who doesn't care about their education Different teachers have different ways they prefer to work with parents, some may enjoy/desire frequent contact even when issues are not present, some may not - but whichever the teachers preference their shouldn't be the assumption that parents all know what is preferred for that teacher - parents need to be informed - and as I have said previously the fact that a communication book existed, tends to suggest that that is the preferred method - just like if there was no book, and the teacher gives out their email and says "is easiest to contact me via email, please email me for updates on your child's progress" you would know that it is what to do.

Yes it is easier often to deal with someone once you have met them face to face (is why businesses fly teams all over the place for project start-ups) dealing with someone once you have had some form of physical interaction (acknowledgement of them as real person) is always better - but if you haven't met them it doesn't mean you just dismiss them or make assumptions.

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A few minutes spent making sure you are both on the same page and complimenting each others efforts instead of pulling in opposite directions or missing things would often actually decrease the time the teacher spends trying to work through issues, getting students up to speed and putting out spot fires with disgruntled parents. Time spent preventing an issue today is much better than the two or three fold time spent when it the issue rears comes to the surface bigger and trickier 6 months later.

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All of the above is true - and all of the above could also be applied to the teachers lack of communication, and the added bonus is the teacher actually knows what the issues are and where is the best use of their time across a class of students. All this focus on the parent in this thread, all these judgements applied, where is the education given to the parent about the type of communication required? - teachers have under gone some training they know what is current way of thinking, what is the way their school works etc etc - there is plenty of guidance on how teachers should be communicating - many parents only have their own experiences to go on and often their own will have involved their parents (who may have been extremely involved in their childrens education, on parent committees etc) only being in touch with the school when there are any problems.

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Obviously disruptive communication like breathing down a teachers neck, micromanaging and having unrealistic expectations about how a student is or should be travelling is going to be problematic for a teachers time, but there is plenty of room between 'haven't spoken to the teacher all year' and 'lengthy tongue lashing every week' for effective communication to happen and save time down the track.

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I don't believe frequent communication is always disruptive (in most cases it probably isn't), I just don't believe it is always necessary or that teachers have the time to devote the amount of time as mentioned in N2L's example to every student in the class. I trust that the teachers will make sure the time they have is applied where it is needed most, I don't care whether that is my child or not (if there was something concerning me I would get in touch) - but making out that people who don't make frequent contact (monthly was an example given) are not involved in the education, not taking responsibility, don't see it as their job etc - is not only a unfair assumption but it also is likely to have the effect of placing more pressure on teachers as instead of being able to balance their time across the class as they see fit - they have to see everyone because everyone wants to see them because otherwise they are labelled as an un-involved parent.

If people want to have frequent meetings, emails, contact etc - go for it - but just because that is not someone elses style don't label them - people have many different approaches, a parents approach might be different with different children depending on their needs, different teachers etc. etc.

When DD starts school next year - I will be sure to find out exactly what sort of communication her teachers require (she will have more than one) - I am more than happy to comply with whatever their approach is - as I suspect most parents are - if only they are told.

I do find much of this thread disturbing though - the whole lets just ignore whether the school has done the right thing or not and blame the parent (if only the parent had met the teacher). It would be an interesting experiment to post the same thread elsewhere but instead of saying "I haven't met her before" say "I met the teacher once at beginning of year for 10 mins" - and see what different responses it might elicit.

People may have a 'bee in their bonnet' about parents who aren't involved in their childrens education, but it might be better to target this ire at people who actually aren't interested in their childrens education, rather than just those who might approach in a different way to you.

Dinky, I can hear your frustration, your anger and your disappointment in your original post.

I am concerned that you were never contacted about your DD's friendships and behaviour. It doesnt matter if she was a follower or instigator, I would have expected a call from someone at the school about this behaviour. What sort of behaviour does your dd have at home? (Its not a question made in judgement) (If my dd was displaying similar behaviour at home, especially when around these friends outside of school then I personally would have discouraged the friendships)

From your post I feel like there is a total disconnect from the your home and school. (re the books, the homework, the friendships) I don't think either one (you or school) is at fault, however I really do believe that families and schools do need to work together to gain the best results for students. Your post feels very defensive though, and its really hard to work out what is really going on behind all this.

We all do our best as parents. Teachers do their best as well. Perhaps make an appointment with the principle next term to address the behaviour with the friends, ask why you weren't informed of this earlier. Organise another meeting with her teacher next term. By the sounds of it your dd has very few issues at school though, her grades are good, it sounds like the teacher knows she is a good kid at heart and is attempting to look out for her.

Thank you all for your replies! I have read every one of them, good and bad!

I want to clarify a few things - Yes, I had not met the teacher before now. I do not do any of the school runs for Hayley, my eldest DD does this, and she has met the teacher on my behalf a number of times. She has spoken to her, clarified issues, and the teacher knows that she can speak to her about anything! Which she has done a couple of times. So its not like we have made no effort to have any sort of communication with the school.

Last year, I had a complete mental breakdown and have suffered serious mental health issues since then, this has made things very difficult for me. I find it very difficult to do the stuff that I used to, which is extremely frustrating.

I am doing my best here, trying to work on the things that I know can do. I have been working with Hayley on the things she needs to improve on and she seems happy to do it. I have also spoken to her about the issues with her bestie and what actually happened and why she didn't tell us! She knew it was wrong! We had a very long talk about it and what she thinks should happen and whether she thinks that this friendship is a good choice to make considering the amount of trouble she gets into. She has thought about it and said that she thinks it best that she talks to her a little outside of school but not be overly friendly, but she isn't going to tell her friend though as she will be upset and go and tell the teacher on her!

I can only do so much. I will try to keep in touch a little more often with the teacher, even if it is via email, and see how things are going! We will see if things improve, my DD says that the teacher doesn't like her, so I think that is impacting on her school work. But hey, only another 6 months and we can move onto another teacher, and hopefully it will be a better one!

Just curious, had the teacher brought up the friendship issue with your older daughter? Or is this the first anyone in your family had heard of this issue?

Wysiwyg, you keep trying to explain this in terms of being a business relationship, but this is so much more than this. This is the person who is looking after your child 5 days a week. For my 5 year old, she forms one of the most important people in his life. He talks about her constantly at home. This is a really special relationship for him. A such, it is an important relationship to me too. This is not someone that I have a business transaction with.

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Wysiwyg, you keep trying to explain this in terms of being a business relationship, but this is so much more than this. This is the person who is looking after your child 5 days a week. For my 5 year old, she forms one of the most important people in his life. He talks about her constantly at home. This is a really special relationship for him. A such, it is an important relationship to me too. This is not someone that I have a business transaction with.

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It isn't a business transaction, but the business analogies are because it is common to have situations in business where you have to communicate with multiple people with varying interests and approaches - (so I am talking the teacher here), and actually the way that these sort of environments are handled in that world - is exactly how you see guidelines to teachers about interactions with parents written, any sort of business communication plan would have very similar things listed in it to the following - this is from the Raising Children website

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Before school begins

Welcome all parents and incoming students by sending a welcome greeting.
Learn about the students and their families.
Establish positive communication with all families, and give some information about you as a teacher.
Let parents know about your philosophy and teaching practices.
Set out classroom policies and inform parents when and how it’s best to reach you.
Invite parents to a beginning school meeting.
Notes home and positive calls

Send home ‘good news’ messages about all students’ behaviour and progress.
Call parents to tell them something positive their child has done.
Perhaps choose one parent per day and make contact either by phone or letter. After this, parents will be more receptive if you need to call with a concern.
Keep a record of regular communications with all parents.
Formally recognise any help of parents (through newsletters and notes home).
Weekly classroom newsletter

The more you can tell parents about news from the school, the better your partnership will be.
Send home a weekly newsletter informing parents about classroom activities and any upcoming events.
Newsletters can be used to invite parent participation in the classroom.
Make sure newsletters are translated for any parents who speak English as a second language.

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Parents don't have to view it as a business transaction, but teachers should be using a model based on a communication plan - which goes someway to ensuring that the all the students get what they need, and isn't based on assumptions made about parental involvement, or based on parents ability to physically meet with a teacher.

How the parents choose to interact with teachers is up to them - but how teachers interact with parents should follow some sort of framework and that is similar to the business world.

Is there some sort of personality clash with your DD and her teacher? Your daughter says she doesn't like the teacher and the teacher had nothing nice to say about her. I don't know why they didn't tell you if your daughter was getting in trouble but I have had similar when my boy was punched in the guts so hard he was winded and they didn't send home a note or say anything to me - if DS hadn't said I would be none the wiser.

As to the criticism of you not seeing the teacher until now, I don't really understand why people think there is something wrong? The older daughter is the point of contact and the teacher could have mentioned it to her any time or said that she wanted to speak to a parent. My DS started a new school this term and DH has not met the teachers and doesn't even really know where the school is. That does not mean he is not interested in DS's education, just that he works and I am the nominated point of contact for educational things in our family.

Wysiwyg, I feel that you are being very clinical about the teacher/parent relationship. Maybe my kids' school is different, idk, but our relationship with the teachers is very different to this. I feel that I can go to ds's teachers at anytime for any reason. Ds's teacher will often email me during the day even with a photo or message. I think that the relationship between the parent and teacher is very important and that it is a two way street. Like I said, maybe I've just been spoilt with the amount of feedback and consultation that I am involved with? I can say this, I have never been surprised by a report or parent/teacher interview. We also have many social gatherings throughout the year at the school where the whole family is invited. Parents are very included in the education process.

Also, I am not saying that this is all the OP's responsibility, but I think that some more initiative/involvement from her side would've resulted in a less disappointing parent/teacher interview.

Ginger, I think it's great that you have such a good relationship with your sons teacher, even better that your DS is so happy.
Your teacher sounds amazing. And for your sons first year of schooling, it sounds like you hit the jackpot.
But I would be extremely surprised if you were to find all of the rest of his teachers over the next 12 years to be as receptive , responsive and engaged as your current one.
Your teacher sounds like they have a real passion for teaching.
For some other teachers, while enjoyable, it is also a job.
And for some unfortunate kids, their teachers don't even particularly like their job.
Maybe the op has struck one of these teachers?
It's hard to say why this situation has occurred.
But I think it is unfair to assume that the op "deserved" the interview they got based on a set of circumstances we really dont have the full picture on.

I agree that I've hit the jackpot with ds2's teacher. I even commented on that when I said that I had been spoilt. I also have an older ds in grade 1, and he too has had 2 years of fantastic teachers that I've communicated well with. What I never said, is that the OP 'deserved' what had happened. Those are your words, not mine.

I'm not saying anyone is wrong and I agree there is fault with the teacher here, but as a teacher myself I just want to say we have a really tough job. My job as a high school teacher is very different to a primary school teacher, we have more kids to keep track of and teach them less often (I have about 200 students), but I imagine the paper work and such is the same. We are buried in paper work and our job goes way beyond the classroom. We are responsible for letting parents know if their kid hasn't done an assignment, but sometimes we have 30 kids who haven't done their assignments. On top of that, we have to keep track of students homework, social issues (like bullying, which can be very subtle) and students slacking off or mucking up in class, and student welfare as well. We have a lot of responsibilities and notifying parents is just one of the many things we have to do. It can be really hard for teachers to keep up with.

You ladies aren't like this, but I can't tell you how many parents think everything to do with education and social skills is our responsibility. Some parents think that teaching their kid to read is purely the school's responsibility. Some even think we're responsible for teaching their kids manners (which is actually a huge part of my job, unfortunately!).

Fun, init Hetty?
I still remember in my 2nd year of teaching we were taking a yr 4 class on school camp. A mum came up to me a said she was so pleased we were finally getting around to teaching table manners........no kidding!!!!!
When we got back she was quite disappointed her son still ate with his hands a lot of the time!
Another mum with a kid in the same class totally lost her rag with me......ranting about how irresponsible teachers were etc because her daughter had lost her jumper. I suggested she look in lost property. This was a bad idea as the jumper didn't have a name tag on it apparently and I should have kept track of it better.
In the end it was found in the bag of one of her daughters friends that was the same as her daughters bag..........no apology from mum.
School is such a hard journey. There needs to be care for kids but teachers just can't be expected to be "parent-like". Part of the journey is about children developing skills and independence.
Interestingly when I was at school and the teacher had a problem with my behaviour she told my parents and they made my life miserable due to this. Once I remember the teacher got it wrong. I still got in trouble. I survived. I learnt.
I remember once sitting on the front step at home crying "I don't want to go to school today. Everybody is so mean and it's hard work!!!"
Mum handed me my bag and lunch and said, "You have to go you're the teacher!";)

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Just curious, had the teacher brought up the friendship issue with your older daughter? Or is this the first anyone in your family had heard of this issue?

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No, this teacher has never brought up the issue of the friendship with my older daughter. I do however know from last year when they were in the same class together that they will never be allowed to be in the same class again, its on both of their files, it just doesn't work! I fully understand and supported the decision made by the teacher last year! I had no issue with it, the other parents however were not too happy about it. We hadn't heard anything about it at all! My older daughter has spoken to the teacher a number of times about certain issues surrounding bullying by specific children in the class. I know that she has done this, the teacher says that she has sorted it out. I asked her about a certain child still attacking Hayley at every opportunity and why it is still going on? She says that she has never heard of any bullying by students in her class....which is a flat out lie!!

In reply to everyone else! I am happy to hear that some of you have been very lucky to have awesome teachers. Hayley did have a brilliant Prep teacher at the same school, and even her Grade 1 and 2 teachers were pretty amazing! In Grade 1, she had a few issues, her teacher emailed me, rang me at night at home to discuss the situation, made a time for me to meet with her, (I was studying full time at that time). Grade 2, if there was something that needed to be discussed a note was sent home and a mutually agreed time was made for us to meet to discuss the situation without any interruptions. My older daughters were picking Hayley up most days and the teachers would send a note home with them, or give them the message to send home to me.

I have been through the education system twice...both of my older DD's completed VCE, so I have done so many parent teacher interviews. I know the system. Never before have I had one where they have said everything negative! I have been through bad times before and had major issues, teachers have been really helpful with assisting my kids in how to deal with things. I do not expect miracles, I don't. I do however expect that my child is learning the things that she needs. I do not think that it should be up to me to do the teaching....yes, I can reinforce what she is learning, but to actually teacher her, sorry, not my job!

I will do it though, because as a parent I do not want my child to feel like she is dumb. She has told me that she is in the dumb maths class because she is stupid. She isn't, its just taking her a little longer for things to stick! She will get there with some more effort from her and from me! I have taken a couple of days off work over the holidays so that I can spend more time with her doing maths stuff! She is enjoying it so far! I got some great books yesterday from Big W, and she is really enjoying doing them!

I am doing what I feel is right! I don't think that I should have to contact the teacher every day to find out how she is doing to be kept up to date. But I will be checking in every week or so, just to see if things are on track! There are already a number of parents that hassle her every day about their children and what they have done, or not done. We will just see how things go!