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Thread: Anyone divorced a spouse just because they arent suited?

  1. #1

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    Default Anyone divorced a spouse just because they arent suited?

    Reason Im asking is I just feel DH and I arent suited. I think we got married to quickly, to young and now Im older and at a different time in my life he doesnt seem to be the person I want to spent the rest of my life with. He isnt a bad person, he just isnt the right husband for me, if that makes sense.



    Im so confused, he is trying really hard to make changes to make me happy but Im a total ***** and just cannot change my feelings about us anymore. I just know if I decide to leave the poop will hit the fan and he'll hate me forever.

    Just wondering if Im not the only nut who just decide their husband suddenly wasnt the right one for them

  2. #2

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    It's officially called irreconcilable differences.

  3. #3

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    Thanks Lulu.

  4. #4

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    My first marriage ended excatly because of this.
    We both felt simular to be honest.

    We were young, (19) and thought it was true love. It wasn't, it was a great friendship with sex!!

    He is the dad of my 2 eldest darlings, and we get along great. We are still friends. We talk, joke, and share the kids no problem. He has a lovely new wife, and they just had a little boy together. The kids adore him, and I can talk to the step mum for ages and have had many cuddles of the new bub.

    I know it doesnt turn out this well for most, but our friendship, and mutual love nad respect for the kids got us through.

    Our divorce was done mutually, so cost about $200, and didnt have to go to court because we both agreed on everything, even with 2 young children involved.


    We really were just good freinds, and we both knew it. We never fought, had a good marriage, it just wasn't "the right one" for either of us. Most were REALLY shocked at the split, they had no idea it would be in the cards. But seeing me and Ad now, and the ex with his wife, they understand. We have both found the real thing, thats shows we never had it.

    We were too young and rushed it. It really is that simple. We just grew apart. It wasnt a bad marriage, but neither of us wanted to "settle" either... best thing we ever done, for ourselves and our children.

  5. #5

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    I'm not sure if you still have to give reasons for a divorce, but that was one of the "allowable" reasons, so it isn't just you

    I certainly wouldn't think it's all 'all of a sudden thing', you two have been thrashing this out for awhile now.

    I should probably get around to getting a divorce myself. It's only been 10 years

  6. #6

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    I know the feeling. We've been together for 10 years and I was 17 when we first met. I'm definitely a very different person to what I was then but so is he.

    Him not loving me the way I want him to is a constant struggle. But I've also had to re think what was most important, I was striving for perfection when there wasn't such a thing. I feel a lot better about it now, but that's me. Some days I still think "am I doing the right thing".

    I guess you really need to work out what it is you aren't happy with and if you're willing to never have them, is it just a rough patch or are these things you need in your life? Only you will know the answer

    Hoping you work things out either way so that you're happy. If there's anything I can do to help, even just to listen I'm always about!

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pretty Butterfly View Post
    My first marriage ended excatly because of this.
    We both felt simular to be honest.

    We were young, (19) and thought it was true love. It wasn't, it was a great friendship with sex!!

    He is the dad of my 2 eldest darlings, and we get along great. We are still friends. We talk, joke, and share the kids no problem. He has a lovely new wife, and they just had a little boy together. The kids adore him, and I can talk to the step mum for ages and have had many cuddles of the new bub.

    I know it doesnt turn out this well for most, but our friendship, and mutual love nad respect for the kids got us through.

    Our divorce was done mutually, so cost about $200, and didnt have to go to court because we both agreed on everything, even with 2 young children involved.


    We really were just good freinds, and we both knew it. We never fought, had a good marriage, it just wasn't "the right one" for either of us. Most were REALLY shocked at the split, they had no idea it would be in the cards. But seeing me and Ad now, and the ex with his wife, they understand. We have both found the real thing, thats shows we never had it.

    We were too young and rushed it. It really is that simple. We just grew apart. It wasnt a bad marriage, but neither of us wanted to "settle" either... best thing we ever done, for ourselves and our children.
    Im glad to hear that but unfortunately DH doesnt feel the same way I do (but that comes from his warped idea of relationships and love from his parents) so it wouldnt be exactly amicable.

  8. #8

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    Anthony Robbins talks about this alot in his relationship programs (see if you can google some on youtube). He says that some people leave using the reasoning that they don't have enough in common etc but he's never met any couple that have split up that were getting their needs met.

    I highly recommend his relationship program, this man is a genius The clips of the interventions with couples who you think will never get back together after what's been going on... its incredible. What we think the problem is, often is far from it.

    The first link has some great clips and some previews of some interventions (so powerful, check them out) and the second link is their blog.

    https://www.tonyrobbins.com/products/relationships/
    Tony Robbins Love and Passion Blog
    Kelly xx

    Creator of BellyBelly.com.au, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
    Follow me in 2015 as I go Around The World + Kids!
    Forever grateful to my incredible Mod Team

  9. #9

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    Have you guys been to counselling Freya? I can't remember, sorry. All the best figuring things out. xo


    ETA: Kelly, talking about needs being met reminds me a little of 'His Needs, Her Needs' and 'The Five Love Languages'.

  10. #10

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    Oh hunny

    Yep I kind of did...no one did anything wrong just married too young and grew up in different directions. I'm sorry to hear that this might be on the cards. I tried to change things and change the way I felt but once i'd considered the possibility of leaving there really was no other choice for me x

  11. #11

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    I can't speak from personal experience but my sister left/divorced her husband for exactly the same reason. They married young and at the time seem to like all the same things and have the same direction in life until suddenly one day.. she realised they didn't. He was happy to live their life the same way forever, and she wanted to grow and explore life. When she left him it was a huge shock for everyone - including him because they seemed like the 'perfect couple'. He really thought she'd never leave and although she'd talked to him about changing, he was happy with the way things were, so she left. It was really sad to start off with - he was devastated and angry - and she had spent so many months previously going over it in her own head that she was so ready to move on.

    From a 'family' point of view, they didn't have any kids, although they had been trying, but I was devastated. I'd grown up with him like a brother since I was about 13 - they got together at 17 - so I really grieved for that part of their relationship.

    Fast forward about 5 years and it has totally moved on for the best for everyone. He met a new partner quite quickly - he resisted at first but realised she was the perfect girl for him - they now have 3 kids and are living on a farm together, going on fishing and camping trips and living the life they both love. My sister moved to the city and spent time travelling, and going out with a couple of different men. She is a totally different person than when she was married, and now we can all see, she is person she is meant to be. She is so happy and fulfilled, and although it has been hard, I think she made the right decision. She remarried in October last year to possibly the complete opposite of her first husband, and its so different this time.

    As for the hating you forever part - I can't say what your DH will do. I know my sisters ex was very hurt for quite a long time, but now they have reached the stage where they occasionally text (for example when my grandmother passed away, he sent my sister a text to say sorry etc). He and his new partner attended my wedding and although it was possibly uncomfortable for his new partner (she was so brave for coming), it was so lovely to see him and the family was thrilled he came. He and my sister chatted for a while, and there was no tension or messy scenes (thankgod )

    Good luck on whatever you decide to do. I think it totally makes sense that someone can not be the right person for who you have become, in the same way you can look back on old friends and think that you couldn't imagine being friends with them now.

  12. #12

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    I cant say i divorced because of this, my exh was anbd still is a twat..

    But i do want to send you huge hugs and let you know I am here if you need to talk

    xox

  13. #13

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    It sounds like a tough situation so just wanted to offer Have you considered councilling maybe for just yourself to work thru your feelings abd work out exactly what you want and are looking for?

  14. #14

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    Yup Nelle, 5 Love Languages is an essential for couples I think
    Kelly xx

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    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
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  15. #15

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    I think that's why most people get divorced my love. I also think that it doesn't have to be that way...
    Kel has given you some great advice that I would take and run with. There is much to learn through this. We are changing every moment. None of us are who we were when we started out together. It's up to you both if you choose to take the challenge & walk the growth line together or apart.

    It can be done. When there is no abuse & an honest desire to grow together I believe anything is possible.

  16. #16

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    Freya. I know you have been struggling for a long time now. I do tend to agree with Kelly's suggestion of exploring why you are feeling the way you are and making very well thought out decision. It is hard, I know. Over the last year I struggled with the relationship with my DH to point where I felt that I could walk away. But I worked out that it was not my DH, it was me and my needs weren't being met at the time. Interestingly he became distant because I was shutting him out and he felt his needs were not being met. So we were living parallel each other and existing for many months. I felt trapped and "just a sahm without a purpose." My DH just wanted affection and acknowledgment of which he was receiving neither. So we've spent heaps of time talking, and trying to be mindful of each other and I've fallen for him again.

    I really do hope you come to a point where you are at peace with how you feel and make the right decision for you.

  17. #17

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    I went through a period of about 18 months where I was on the verge of leaving DH. No one reason, I was just kind of ... over it... I thought we were mismatched (I still do TBH), I was bored, tired of drama... just over it.
    I think the lack of a single clear reason though kind of kept me there, and one day the fog lifted. I would love to say I worked it all out but that wouldn't be honest.. I don't know what happened. We just got through. I know he's gone through similar stages. I wonder if sometimes it might just be one of those things.

    Sorry, that's really blithery & not making much sense...big hugs, I hope you work it out & reach what's best for you

  18. #18

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pretty Butterfly View Post
    My first marriage ended excatly because of this.
    We both felt simular to be honest.

    We were young, (19) and thought it was true love. It wasn't, it was a great friendship with sex!!

    He is the dad of my 2 eldest darlings, and we get along great. We are still friends. We talk, joke, and share the kids no problem. He has a lovely new wife, and they just had a little boy together. The kids adore him, and I can talk to the step mum for ages and have had many cuddles of the new bub.

    I know it doesnt turn out this well for most, but our friendship, and mutual love nad respect for the kids got us through.

    Our divorce was done mutually, so cost about $200, and didnt have to go to court because we both agreed on everything, even with 2 young children involved.


    We really were just good freinds, and we both knew it. We never fought, had a good marriage, it just wasn't "the right one" for either of us. Most were REALLY shocked at the split, they had no idea it would be in the cards. But seeing me and Ad now, and the ex with his wife, they understand. We have both found the real thing, thats shows we never had it.

    We were too young and rushed it. It really is that simple. We just grew apart. It wasnt a bad marriage, but neither of us wanted to "settle" either... best thing we ever done, for ourselves and our children.

    This sounds so much like my XH and I, could we have the same X PB lol. It took us 4 years to get around to getting divorced but that didn't matter. We still have the friendship today but he has remarried and is happy and I have DF. XH and I married in our 30's though but we both knew it was a mistake when we did it. We did try for a few years but we were like housemates who just happened to have a couple of kids together. Good luck on making the decision as it is very hard

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