Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 18 of 25

Thread: Can he do this?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    18

    Default Can he do this?

    I have 2 girls - 3 and 5 - and currently they spend half the time with each of us (3 or 4 days at each house, depending on the week - although I am trying to get it changed to week-about).



    XH and I have lived in the same area (Penrith) for almost 8 years, his family are mostly close by (parents, aunts etc who he is close to) and my family is almost non-existent. I am renting and managed to get a place within the school area for my older daughter's school, which is a great school and of course I have friends, the girls have friends, the younger one's daycare is great and they do dancing and netball as well as an endless stream of birthday parties, play dates etc.

    DH has just moved 15 minutes away to his aunt's place til he decides what he wants to do, but he's still close enough to get to school, activities etc without too much hassle.

    We both work full-time in Parramatta, but now his job is taking him more to our North Sydney office and he is looking to progress his career which could mean his job relocating permanently to North Sydney.

    Now he is telling me he wants to move closer to work (at the moment he is only talking about the Parramatta area) and has now said that if I won't relocate myself (and of course the girls), that he will fight for full custody because he does not believe I can raise the girls on my own and he does not want custody to be 50/50 if we are living so far apart. I actually believe I can do it just fine.

    I like where I am living, and I don't mind the commute to work (it's about an hour door to door for me cos I catch the train). I don't want to spend the next 15 years following him around wherever he goes, and I don't think he is really considering the impact of a relocation on the girls.

    If he moves away for his work then tries to get full custody based on the idea that it is not practical to keep a 50/50 arrangement because of his move, would a magistrate take his side????????????????????

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    In a cloud of madness.
    Posts
    4,053

    Default

    i'm no expert but unless a magistrate canfind any other reasons i can't see any reason why they would side with him.

    you shouldn't have to chase him around the country because he wants to change where he is working.

    hope it works out for you hun.

    hugs
    xx

  3. #3

    Default

    Doesn't work like that. In fact, custody is far more likely to go to the mother whatever, and a very ambitious man who is willing to put job over children's needs, such as a stable home and consistent schooling, is likely to be dismissed straight away.

    He has to provide reasons you can't raise the girls on your own. For example, mental illness, instability, drugs, you have to physically and mentally be incapable for that claim to stand up in court.

    Best of luck to you.

  4. #4

    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    within a puff of pink
    Posts
    3,315

    Default

    from my experience where a ex partner has relocated the orders have been that the relocating parent is to be more lienant as they have made the decision to move. IYKWIM

    The judge will def take into account the childs routine, school/ care arrangements and do what is best for that.. often a relocation for a child is not in the best interest and he might find it may blow up in his face.
    if he is so far away the school/care they are attending is not possible i can not personally (this is My opinion only) the judge removing the children to his full time care unless he can prove you are a unfit mother.

    the only example i really now though is moving interstate, and the mother moved, she has to proved access for her son to visit his dad and pay for it on a regular basis. ie. flights all at her owns cost.

  5. #5

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Funky Town, Vic
    Posts
    7,070

    Default

    He talks too much, and he talks crapola too.

  6. #6
    rhyb Guest

    Default

    :yeahthat: My XP moved to Brisbane recently and I dont have to follow him to the other end of the state. They choose to move, they choose to be inconvieneced (sp?)

  7. #7

    Default

    Sounds like he is trying to BULLY you in the hope that you will just believe him. From personal experiences i believe that if he is moving to better his employment that is fine but if he cannot keep up with the current orders put in place they will re look at them and find what is best for the children. You will probably find that the courts will side with the mother as they do in most cases, and they will not change a routine that the children is currently in such as schooling, friends etc.
    I have found the courts look down on fathers that apply for full custody, so to be honest let him do it but don't give into him and don't move and continue what you are currently doing with the children and if cannot cope with it the courts will reduce his time to one weekend a fortnight, half school holidays etc
    As for not being able to rasie your girls without his help etc what a bunch of [email protected]@@@@@t, you have been doing it to now haven't you. Plus when i was going through all this my XP tried to go down the unfit mother, bad mother and all that crap but he had trouble proving it (because it wasn't true) and to be honest my DH has gone down that street with his XP and she has had DoCs involved and still the child is in the mother's care.
    Just try and be strong and don't let him bully you into anything.
    GOODLUCK

  8. #8

    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    In my own private paradise
    Posts
    15,272

    Default

    custody doesn't go to one parent over the other based on anything more than the best interests of the child. i would be contacting the family relationships advice line NOW and trying to arrange mediation and getting something in writing as to your custodial arrangements BEFORE he moves. get it put in place that the girls are to continue at their current school if either of you move form the area etc

    there is no leaning towards mum having custody anymore - it's what is in the best interest of the children so get it in writing NOW

  9. #9

    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Victoria
    Posts
    324

    Default

    Hi Melby,

    I agree that your Ex P is attempting to bully you. BB is a great place to get support in these situations.

    I work as a family law solicitor. I cannot give you advice specific to your situation. I can say however that the law regarding relocation has changed alot in the last few years since the shared parenting legislation took effect. BG is generally correct - the court is now very focused on the best interests of the children and the court is as a starting point required to work on the basis that if possible an equal shared parenting situation is in the best interests of the children - however there is alot more to it than that - how the best interests of a child are determined in each case depends on a long list of factors including the set up in place now and the practicality of a relocation to both parties and the children.

    In the circumstances my very strong advice to you is to go and get legal advice about your position based on your specific situation before you do anything and as soon as possible. The earlier the better is my view as you may be able to do things that will strategically assist you longer term. You should only take action based on that advice. Your lawyer may advise you that strategically it may no longer help you to advocate a week about shared care position or to seek to get things in writing. You should in the meantime avoid discussing the matter of relocation with your ex. You definitely should not indicate to him that you are even thinking of relocating to meet his needs. Do not agree to anything. You should continue to live your life based on things remaining the same as they have.

    Keep using BB as a support tool in the meantime! We are here for you!

    Should you need a referral to a lawyer in your area please feel free PM me - whilst I do not work in NSW I have had dealings with a couple of very good lawyers in Parramatta.

    Good luck.

    Belinda.

  10. #10

    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    18

    Default

    Hi everyone,

    Thank you so much for all your replies.

    BB77 - I have done exactly what you have suggested, and I will be seeing my solicitor tomorrow at 9.30am. He has raised this possibility (moving away from this area) before, but then last night he SMSed me about it again and has been pushing the issue all day (BULLYING is totally the right word!!). All I have said to him is that I will not discuss it with him as I am about to get legal advice. I've made it clear before that I have no intention of moving just because he wants to.

    The whole "proving me an unfit mother" is a constant theme of his. I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder not long after my younger daughter was born, and went through cognitive behavioural therapy as well as going onto Zoloft (as an anti-anxiety med, although I was probably suffering a bit of PND at the time too). I'm still on the meds, so as far as he is concerned, I am mentally ill. Let's just ignore the fact that I sought help and went to therapy and I have benefited greatly from the medication. Unfortunately for me (although really I think a magistrate would laugh this out of court - that doesn't stop him bringing it up at every opportunity) when I went to CBT, one of the "homework" exercises was to identify specific situations where my anxiety levels were going through the roof, and identify what I was actually saying to myself (eg OMG the world is going to end, this is such a disaster) and then say something more constructive to myself (eg this isn't so bad, I can deal with this). So one of my examples was when my kids (about 2 1/2 and 9 months at the time) were going completely bonkers and XH was at golf or somewhere, and I was saying to myself "I yell too much, my kids will hate me one day" but then turned it around and managed to get myself calmed down. Well guess who has the notes that I wrote..... I totally didn't even think about the fact that they still even existed, but he keeps telling me that he is going to show them to the world to show that I am a self-confessed horrible yelling mother who will never be able to cope with raising the girls myself!!!!!

    Some more background, I was emotionally abused by him for the entire 10 years we were together, and that is why I left. He claims now that he basically raised the girls single-handedly - which he "proves" by telling about how he would always to be the one to get them ready each day before they went to daycare, I was always begging him to give me time off etc etc etc (his interpretation: I didn't want to be with my kids). For starters, I wanted time off like he got 5 hours off each week to play golf. Secondly, I offered a MILLION times to get up earlier and change my routine by getting up earlier and spending more time with the girls and getting them ready in the mornings. But of course that would have meant going to bed earlier and then maybe he wouldn't get to harrass his way to getting sex every night, so he wouldn't hear of it. Often he was a devoted, loving husband, but that was always underpinned by possessive and abusive behaviour like criticizing the clothes I wore if it showed the slightest bit of cleavage (and I mean VERY slight) or insisting that my boss hiring me had nothing to do with my talents or carrying on for days and days if I even dared suggest going to lunch with someone other than him (we work in the same building), let alone what I would cop if I DID actually go to lunch, and woah, if I had a glass of wine at lunch with other people, and actually had FUN, look out. I did that a few days before my birthday last year and was hearing about it for weeks after.

    And yet my constant anxiety was about me being an incompetent mother???

    Sorry for all the waffle, but it's been a really big day. Just after I started writing that, he started sending nastier and nastier emails. Basically his logic is this:

    I am a completely unfit mother.

    He WAS willing to share custody 50/50 with me anyway (wtf??) but now, since I refuse to consider moving, he will fight me for full custody.

    And if the girls seem at all distressed between now and our day in court, he will take action to have them removed permanently from my custody.

    I hate him. I really do.

  11. #11

    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Sunny QLD!
    Posts
    720

    Default

    Melby..

    I am so sorry you are going through this.

    You know, i dont have any real advice... i havent been there, nor do i know any one who has.

    But WOW... GOOD ON YOU, for getting out!!!

    What a PIG of a man!

    Keep EVERY TEXT, EVERY email.... start writing a journal of every bit of communication, from you to him and from him to you.

    I reckon he is going to get nasty, but i have an inkling, by what you have said... he is in for a very disappointing outcome!

    He is just trying to control you.... stay strong... stay smart...

    Lots of love and light vibes

    xo

  12. #12
    paradise lost Guest

    Default

    He sounds easy to hate!

    Hang i there, get legal advice, don't let him bully you. Your kids are happy, healthy and well-cared for in their current situation and HE is the one doing the moving here! If i met him ten minutes from now i'd say "Do you find that lots of people in your life are emotionally weak and fragile? Have you considered that it's because you're a poisonous, controlling, abusive bully and you bring that out in people?"

    You have changed NOTHING IRT their lives, it is him who is binging this upheaval and the courts will surely see this too.

    It is definitely unwise given your current situation, and i certainly don't suggest you do it, but seriously this guy needs reminding that you LEFT HIM and he can no longer decide where you live or what you do!

    A person with a medical condition like dpression for which they have had treatment and with which they are coping well and who is not harming or neglecting their children will NOT have them removed on the say-so of the other parent, especially when there is such a blatant ulterior motive.

    Bx

  13. #13

    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Waterloo, Merseyside, UK
    Posts
    2,543

    Default

    oh huni...i have no advice apart from keep every email,txt etc.
    he is a bully and you are not a unfit mother hes just a controlling, abusive [email protected]@@@r.
    sorry im no help but vent away.
    hope you are ok
    lots of love rach xxxx

  14. #14

    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Victoria
    Posts
    324

    Default

    Hi Melby,
    Great to hear you are seeing the lawyer today. Your ex p is a prize bully and also rather stupid. In my experience one catches more flies with honey than with a big stick iykwim?
    Try and see his behaviour for what is. I know it is hard. Don't give him more power by letting him stress you out more than usual. The best you can do is continue to stay strong, keep doing what you have been doing for your little ones. You are doing a great job.
    Let's face it - Hoobley has hit the nail on the head - he does not have real concerns. He is trying to destabilise you at the moment.
    If he honestly had serious concerns about your ability to care for the kids he would have made moves to have them removed from you and successfully done so a long time ago. He hasn't done so. So he is just trying to bully and manipulate you to a certain position.
    Papillion is right - keep records of these conversations. Keep the texts. They may come in handy.
    Good luck.
    Belinda

  15. #15

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Funky Town, Vic
    Posts
    7,070

    Default

    Give him another few 'notes' to work with -

    My ExH is a GIANT tool. ExH is a childish bully used to getting his own way. ExH sucks balls.

    Put them on post its all over the house....and remember the Golden Rule of mediation and court hearings - you must imagine a big penis growing from his forehead when you see him.

  16. #16

    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Dapto, Illawarra...NSW
    Posts
    2,009

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Lulu View Post
    He talks too much, and he talks crapola too.

    I agree with Lulu....he's talking shiat!! There is no way a judge would make you follow him just because he is thinking of his career instead of his children!

  17. #17

    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Dapto, Illawarra...NSW
    Posts
    2,009

    Default

    Ok, have to add more after reading through all the posts properly....please, please, please keep a copy of ALL the textx and emails that he has sent you...I know others have already said this, but I can't stress how important this is!! And just as important...don't reply to his texts or emails anymore...and if you feel you have to be VERY careful how you word them!
    Good luck with this hun, and I hope it all works out for you. When I read posts like yours I am soooo glad that my XH has nothing to do with my girls!

    ETA: I would think that the courts would actually approve of the "notes" that your XH is holding for ransom. The notes show that you are working through your issues by writing them down and trying to relieve your stress in other ways...better to write down your thoughts than take it out on the kids....don't let him bully you with those notes....tell him to go ahead and show them to the court!! You need to show him that you are NOT scared of him.
    Last edited by Marlene; March 26th, 2009 at 09:07 AM.

  18. #18

    Default

    Ok, excuse me while I LOL here, but if all he has is a note that says "I yell too much", then he has absolutely nothing. Every parent in the history of the world has yelled at their kids. For some parents, "too much" could be once a month. They have much bigger fish to fry - and he knows it. Don't let that stress you.

    Your anxiety is being properly managed, and has never caused anyone with medical experience cause for concern in regards to you being the primary care giver of your children. I think they will take a nice expert opinion over that of a ex-partner (who has ulterior motives) so just get a nice referral regarding the proper management and risk assessment from the treating doctor and keep it aside just in case it raises any questions.

    Apart from that, there isnt a chance in hell a judge is going to agree that you have to follow him. If he chooses to leave the immediate area, then that is his damage. If the kids are happy at school and care and have a stable home with their needs met, he will not order major upheval to that. He can certainly TRY what he is trying - it does not mean it is going to be successful - and I am pretty certain based on the way you describe him (sounds just like my ex) he knows it for a fact, and is simply trying to manipulate you to get his own way. He is about to lose control of you and the situation, and when that happens, they start making huge mistakes. So keep records. Don't stoop to his level. Stay strong and play fair. He'll dig his own hole. They always do.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •