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Thread: Crappy Situation With Unborn Baby's Father Already (VENT/HELP)

  1. #1

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    Default Crappy Situation With Unborn Baby's Father Already (VENT/HELP)

    Hi all,

    Newbie here... not really keen to post personal stuff on the internet but right now I'm pretty confused and would love some advice from perhaps the women who have been through anything like this or are wise on what to do in this el crappo situation.

    I'm about 9-10 weeks pregnant, this baby is planned by both of us (Mummy & Daddy) with the understanding that he would have as much involvement as he wanted to give and we were not in a committed relationship but living together for a couple of months.

    I was honest with him right from the start, saying I wanted to be a Mummy and there wasn't much time as I have a really low AMH level when I was tested last year and I wanted him to be the Daddy and thought he'd be good at it and the situation between us would work. (Turns out after all the fertility specialists I paid a fortune for last year were all full of scary results and I got pregnant naturally on the first try with him). I feel it's a miracle, meant to be.

    A bit over a week ago, he came home drunk, pushed me in the stomach asking me to consider an abortion, saying I was only after his money and I tricked him and stole his sperm and I'm a liar (I know there are always two sides to a story, but I did nothing to trigger this, the only thing I can think of that set him off to freak-out was I told him two days earlier that the baby was doing fine and I saw the heartbeart on U/S). He then went on to text me while he was at work a few days later and told me to get out of the house and move out by the time he got home and called me the C word. This is a side of him I didn't recognise!! I got the hell out of there! I gave him a week to cool off and texted him and he was still just as angry and nasty and said he doesn't want anything to do with me and has not apologised at all about kicking me out on the street and pushing me when I'm pregnant with his child. I have not heard from him since.

    I know there are probably some women out there (and he may have even experienced one?) that would lie to get pregnant when they really wanted a baby, but I was only ever open, honest and sincere with him and as I was falling in love with him, considered his feelings in this and care about him

    He has even been *****ing about me to my own friends even though I've done nothing wrong!!!

    I want to work things out with him (obviously), but I don't know where to start? I don't want his child support money. I was raised by my Dad who fought to get me and my sister and had to pay child support and go broke so I don't think that is fair. And I wanted my child to have a Daddy and belong to a family, hence why I didn't got the sperm donor route. I'm sad that at this stage he already seems like a deadbeat, and I did want him involved as the Daddy to teach bubby stuff and spread the love around but I just couldn't admit it for fear of being disappointed/hurt.

    What do I do?

    Sorry I've written a novel.



    Thanks
    Mummy-To-Be

  2. #2

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    Oh, honey. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this.
    I don't have any advice, but it you've definately made the right choice by leaving him.
    Thats not a safe/ideal environment for your little miracle.

  3. #3

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    It sounds like an awful situation, especially since you were completely honest with him when you started trying... I'd say you have to get out of there, it's what is best for you and your baby. Even if you have to be a single mum, it's better than sticking by someone who treats you like that! From what you've shared about your dad, you know what a great job single parents can do - you just need to believe in yourself


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  4. #4

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    I'm sorry, but you do NOT want someone like that being the Daddy of your child. Yes he is technically the father, but I would urge you to consider whether you want someone that unstable to be a part of any child's life. You hardly know him (not judging you at all! He clearly has done a personality turn-around) and I certainly wouldn't be trying to patch things up, at the very least not at this stage. I really feel for you, I'm sorry this is how things have turned out for you. But my opinion is that pursuing this guy is just going to lead to much more hurt for you and your child in the long run, people like that do not change.

  5. #5

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    That was my situation, except I didn't move in with him, and I fell pregnant as he was refusing to use condoms, and I was unable to use anything hormonal, as it made me vomit (which it hadn't in the past).

    I fell pregnant, four months into the "relationship" at a time when I was trying to break it off with him.

    The other difference is I let him hang around, right up until about 2 weeks after birth. He said lots of horrible things throughout my pregnancy, but the worst was jokingly saying that I hadn't been in pain, after an emergency caesarean, as he didn't know about what happened in the ambulance, but he shouldn't have said that anyway.

    Don't panic, organise things for you and bubs, you can do it, there's lots of support out there. I found family and friends really came out of the woodwork for me.

  6. #6

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    I'm with Pumpkin - you don't want someone like that in yours or your baby's life right now. When I fell pregnant with DS1 my then partner was very supportive at first but within a couple of weeks had changed his mind. He also suggested an abortion. I told him that wasn't going to happen and that I would raise my child on my own. To put it really really short: I told him that he could consider the child "gone" and that he wouldn't have to ever pay me a cent. The only thing I extracted from him was a promise not to deny his child should they ever come looking for him.

    What followed was extremely difficult. I lost mutual friends who thought I'd tried to trap him - I was the villian in the drama. I did not put my baby's father's name on his birth certificate and have never (in 16 years) received maintenance. There were times that the money would have come in handy but I figured that it wasn't worth it. What I had in my arms at home, my precious baby, was more important than anything money could buy.

    If you need any support don't hesitate to ask, you can also send me a private message if you want to.

  7. #7

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    Default Thank you

    Thank you from my heart Charlotte91, TeniBear, PumpkinZulu & EMC2.

    This is my first baby, so your comments are making me think more about a longer term Mother's perspective. Emotions on both sides are running high it?s a little hard to tell if I?m thinking logically. I never want to do something out of spite but protective instincts have already kicked in for my baby after that night and I don't think I would regret keeping him out of our lives as he's brought this on himself.

    I always thought it was wrong to not let the father be around, but looking at this situation from a third party's eyes it is probably for the best. If he wants to come back and swears he's changed, it would probably be temporary. Just so weird to make a decision as big as we did and then him to renegg once the baby was already growing.

    EMC2, does the father have anything to do with your baby now? If not, how did it end?

    Similar to me in the way that I had a threatened miscarriage at 5 weeks & bled for 3 weeks and was advised by the hospital to go on bedrest and take it easy, and he was telling me that I wasn't cooking, cleaning and exercising enough even after I had explained the hemorage!!

    I am scared of being a single Mother and you're right TeniBear I need to believe in myself. One thing is for sure (and a double edge sword) I would enjoy this journey more if he didn't exist, albeit I wouldn't be on this journey if it wasn't for him :heart:

  8. #8

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    Default Cass72

    Thank you for letting me know that and the offer of talking, that's really sweet.

    Hmmm food for thought and on the similar line of thinking to what I was contemplating doing to make this situation feel "right" for me, and to get through this stage and the horrible feelings and resolution for the longer term. I will think further about this and it sounds like it worked for you even though it was hard. I don't want anything to do with his money, and I had never even thought about it until he mentioned it. However if I do want him on the Birth Certificate does he have to be around to witness/sign this?

    Wow, if I have a daughter there is no way I would want him to be a role model of what men are like and how they treat women

    It's sad that he won't have to deal with me telling him he is a jerk, he'll have to deal with his son or daughter telling him! The damage is done.

    Thanks again.

  9. #9

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    I agree with the other girls, you are better of without him in your life.
    He has shown he is not mature enough to be a father at this time.
    Any man who lays his hands on his baby's mumma while pregnant is definitely not worth it.
    Being a single mum is very daunting but it is amazing what we can do...I am a single mum of 7 and it is not easy at times but my kids are better of with it this way.
    You and your bubba deserve better than that.

  10. #10

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    You know it's only been just over a year since DS2 was born and I can't remember if I got DH to sign his birth certificate as well.

    DS1 was born in Queensland (I note you're on the Gold Coast) and I just put a big line through "father's details" and an N/A (as in not applicable .... it felt therapeutic tee-hee-hee.) and signed the form and sent it off.

    I agree with what RainbowB said it is daunting but it is amazing what you can do. The minute you hold your little bub in your arms you will just know that you will be able to do anything for this little person. You will find a strength that you didn't know you have - actually, it sounds to me that you've already found it.

    The good times will always outweigh the bad. DS1 and I have an awesome relationship. Up until he was 10 it was just him and me and I'm happy to say that he is a well adjusted, bright, funny, wonderful person who is a fantastic son, brother and friend.

  11. #11

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    Quote Originally Posted by MummyTee View Post
    I always thought it was wrong to not let the father be around, but looking at this situation from a third party's eyes it is probably for the best. If he wants to come back and swears he's changed, it would probably be temporary. Just so weird to make a decision as big as we did and then him to renegg once the baby was already growing.

    EMC2, does the father have anything to do with your baby now? If not, how did it end?
    With my ex it has always been a pattern of behaviour, and he has a drinking problem. So he would be fine for a couple of weeks but then emotionally and verbally abusive, then I would try and break things off, and then he would say but it's all been some misunderstanding, don't leave kind of deal.

    So as he wouldn't let me break it off, I used the pregnancy as a time to get to know him and his family. And his parents are quite nice people. I used it as a time to see if he would change, but then I wasn't living with him so I didn't have to answer the phone or put up with him to an extreme point.

    How it ended was baby ended up being a footling breech. I had moved temporarily in with my parents and yes well we could have both died. Then ex wasnt much help in hospital, and we were a bit neglected by staff.

    To cut a long story short two weeks later after more crap from him, everyone else being lovely to me, I had filled in the child support form as being CSA collect and he then took this as me breaking up with him and he was publicly humiliated by this blah blah blah. I was so relieved.

    He's been a right PIA with organising visits but again I have stood my ground, and he will be visiting with his father twice a week for two hours, and I will go for a walk or do chores for part of that time.

    Sorry that isn't very detailed, bubby is due for a feed.
    Last edited by emc2; July 4th, 2011 at 03:51 PM.

  12. #12

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    I was in a similar-ish situation when I got pg 6 months into my relationship with DP. It wasn't planned, nor was it prevented. Once the news had sunk in, he FREAKED OUT. Screamed, yelled, told me to get an abortion. I refused, and when he finally gave me his support I sadly miscarried.

    I know the fear you're feeling. The fear that your baby won't know his/her daddy. But you know what? Families come in all different shapes and sizes. Not having a present father figure won't mean your baby won't belong to a family. If he's acting this way now (and has become violent so suddenly) do you really want your child to look up to a man like that? Would he even be a valuable contributor to your child's life? Or just the source of heartache.

    I didn't want to come in here and tell you to forget about him, yet that's how this post has sounded. Unfortunately I can't give you the answers, only my perspective. If a man would treat you this way when you're pregnant with his baby....................................... you're in trouble. This isn't going to be what you want to hear, but I'm not about band-aid solutions and empty 'there there's'. You're right, this situation is el-crappo. All you can do is take it one day at a time. Make it clear you won't accept violence and aggression, and give him the option of being the man he said he was in the beginning. The choice is his.

    Someone wise once said not to waste my love on someone who clearly doesn't love me in return. No man who loves you will ever lay a hand on you in anger. Or call you the C word. I'm so sorry you're stuck in a tough situation.

  13. #13

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    Just wanted to add that something about your post struck me. I'm on the Gold Coast too and I feel compelled to offer you my support. I'll be there for you in any way you need, and I'll never let you down. Us girls gotta stick together! If you decide to go it alone you're going to need support- it takes a village etc. And I want to be part of that village.

    -a sidenote..........
    I discovered today how wonderful the bond of motherhood can be. Since DS was born, I can't leave the house without meeting another random fellow mum and getting lost in a conversation about our little ones. I love that strangers become your instant sisters because we all share the same bond.

    Excuse me while I go and be sick over my gushy loveyness... lol.

  14. #14

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    Quote Originally Posted by forshelby View Post
    I discovered today how wonderful the bond of motherhood can be. Since DS was born, I can't leave the house without meeting another random fellow mum and getting lost in a conversation about our little ones. I love that strangers become your instant sisters because we all share the same bond.

    Excuse me while I go and be sick over my gushy loveyness... lol.
    What she said!!!!

  15. #15

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    I hope your doing ok huni. We are all here for you xxx

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  16. #16

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    Thanks all for the great advice. Hehehe Cass72 "therapeutic", I bet it was!! Your DS1 sounds like a gem, glad it all worked out and that?s inspiration

    My little one who is going through a growth spurt in my tummy so I?m glad I posted and feel better from all the advice as I was also worried about the negative vibes that I?m probably already putting into bubby and my home.

    It?s sinking in more and more that it?s his loss. I could never do what he did so it?s still a shock.

    RainbowB, wow that is amazing, I had to read that 3 times to make sure you didn?t do a typo!!! 7 children! You are Superwoman with alot of love to give obviously, that's great! I know deep down I deserve better...

    EMC2, sorry to hear you had to go through that as well. It shows you have a lot of patience and decency to give him AND his family time of day and get to know them more while you were preggy. I never knew before how vulnerable you feel when pregnant so I hope one day he appreciates it, but it doesn?t sound like it after not even being able to sympathise with a foot breach and C-section. I feel sorry for his next girlfriend, and some men need to come with a warning tattooed on their forehead! x

    Forshelby: Sadly I would both hope my child doesn?t ever find out about this as I imagine they would be pretty devastated to hear they weren?t wanted by someone significant. At this point, Jackyll & Hyde isn?t a contributor at all, let alone of any value. I can?t lie, I still hope this changes, as I remember all the things about my Dad that I just couldn?t experience with my Mother. Like his deep voice, silly jokes and protectiveness. Being tall and strong enough he could hold me upside down and everytime Mother said no to an icecream, he would sneak around the back of the house with one and we?d just laugh. Teaching me how to do a burnout in the car, and seeing where I got my sense of humour, etc. And back to taking one day at a time like you said?.I?ve heard that village saying a lot, as I have 6 godchildren!
    Thank you, that is very, very sweet. I?m currently in North Queensland as I forgot to update my location but will very likely end up back that way and will be in contact.
    Cute sidenote, I can?t wait to cuddle my baby!

    Here?s my little sidenote: I wrote down on a piece of paper one night over a little prayer and candle that I wanted to be a biological mother and signed it, after all the fertility injections and BFNs last year I knew adopting and/or being a Foster Mum wouldn?t be for me. I put the piece of paper in a box and forgot about it to let the universe deal with it. 2 weeks later I was pregnant. My AMH is around 5 and my sister reached menopause at the age I am now. Hence the miracle.

    Footsteps: Thank you and I hope your dreams come true for your BFP. xo

  17. #17

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    What a strange coincidence... I'm originally from north QLD. *spooky music* hehe. It sounds to me like you're doing a fantastic job sorting through the mess of the situation, so well done for being so strong! It's only natural to hope the father changes his ways, we all have feelings like that at one time or another about certain people. But it's important to be realistic about the possibility of that happening, which I think you're doing.

    Congratulations on your miracle pregnancy!!

  18. #18

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    MummyTee,

    Personally, I think you should keep away from this man until he shows he is ready to handle this situation. You should not contact him, respond to any of his calls, etc. Show him you are moving on without his emotional, physical, verbal abuse. You wanted to be pregnant so do not let anyone, even the father of this baby, ruin it for you. You don't need stress during your pregnancy. Ignore him. Concentrate on your baby. Good luck and you have made the right decision to move away.

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