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Thread: Devastated married 20yrs and newly separated

  1. #1

    Default Devastated married 20yrs and newly separated

    Hi, i have posted this in the intro section as well, but thought i will post in here too.....

    im new to this forum, but i am hoping i can get some advice from people who have been in a similar situation to me. I prob wont be posting much in most of the forum, but will be in the family section, especially under the separation/divorce section. Bit of background [sorry if its longwinded]
    I have 3 kids
    DD-16
    DS-14
    DD-4 1/2
    Back in '09 i was devastated to find out my husband of nearly 17 years had been having an affair. In my fog of disbelief i believed the right thing to do was to work it out for the sake of the kids, so i never left or kicked him out of the house...but he did have to sleep on the couch, which lasted a week. Anyway, we tried to work thru it, and we had some good times and not so good times. I did have great trouble coming to terms with it. Then 2 years to the date that i found out about the affair, i get a msg from this other woman.....i was devestated all over again.....it couldnt have been a coincedence that she contacted me on the exact date 2 years later....so i rang my husband at work and told him that she had contacted me and he was like 'im so sorry....shes a *****...blah blah blah.' he knew how upset i was, but instead of coming home straight after work - he went to football training!!!!! then when he came home he didnt even ask how i was going.......from that moment on things have slowly gone down hill. i begged him to see a counsellor or get help in some way....and at first he was like half heartedly yeah, but there was always excuses for why he couldnt. it got to the point that he would not come near me and we hadnt had sex in about a year. eventually in november last year, i had a major breakdown from the stress and ended up in a psych hospital for a week. then when i came out...things never really changed. one morning i asked him to give me one reason why he loves me and he stood there like i asked him for the theory of relativity????? for me that was it i told him i was going to my mums for a couple of days. So i left, and when i came back to the house, he left. I find out 3 weeks later that he has moved in with a girlfriend, which he tells me was not going on beforehand.....i find that to be absolute crap. well, he tells me i can stay in the house and he will look after the bills and not to get centrelink involved....luckily i listened to friends and family who were aghast at that and did go down and get myself on the single parent pension. he has now become nastier and nastier, threatening to stop paying the mortgage and has already not paid a couple of the bills he was supposed to pay. I have started the child support collecting against him, which he doesnt know about, until they contact him, and i have also been in touch with legal aid to get a lawyer. My emtions hve been totally up and down.....and although i am reaching the stage that i have no affection for him.....the one thing that is holding me back from moving forward is the thought of some other woman having care of my kids at times......i really cant seem to deal with that. hoping someone has some advice......if you got to this part, thank you for taking the time to read it. If you have any other advice on how to cope and the legal system please let me know...im floundering in a sea of what seems like endless paperwork and waiting on govt departments.


  2. #2

    Join Date
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    Default Devastated married 20yrs and newly separated

    All I can say is I'm so sorry. What a complete jerk.

  3. #3

    Join Date
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    Hugs for you hun, it sounds like you've had a rotten time and I hope things improve for you soon xx

  4. #4

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    I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this.

  5. #5

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    Default Devastated married 20yrs and newly separated

    Oh that's awful, really devastating. Hugs to you- I hope you can find lots of support here on BB and also I hope you get the love and support you need among your friends and family.

  6. #6

    Join Date
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    It sounds like you have some great support from family and friends which is excellent. You have covered the major bases such as child support, Centrelink and getting a lawyer involved. Do what is best for you and your children, never rely on him to hold to his word. He has proved himself to be untrustworthy.

    Be gentle with yourself and remember your children will need a lot of support to.

    Good luck.

  7. #7

    Join Date
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    welcome to BB. I'm sorry to hear about all that you have been through.
    You seem to be doing all the right things to look after yourself and your children from a legal and practical perspective. Go you. Are you seeing a counsellor for yourself?

  8. #8

    Join Date
    Sep 2011
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    So sorry to hear what you've been through and it sounds like it's been quite stressful for an extended time. I don't really have any advice to offer, just wanted to acknowledge what a tough time you're going through. Like Starfish suggested, make sure you also get some support for yourself in amongst sorting out the financial stuff.

  9. #9

    Default

    thank you so much for your replies.
    yes i have thought about counselling for myself. at first i wasnt going to....but i am having a hard time dealing with some apsects. the major one being how to get over the worry of his gf being around when my kids are with him. im so afraid they will like her more and i will become ***** mum. and i hate thinking about them playing happy families when i am the mum. i know he is their dad, but in my mind at the moment she doesnt have any right to my kids. if that makes any sense...

  10. #10

    Join Date
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    That makes absolute sense. I don't think you need to worry though. You are their mum and they love you. Also your older children will more likely have a lot of issues with their dad leaving and this will translate to issues with the girlfriend. I would strongly recommend counselling for yourself and also for your children if you think it is warranted.

    I would also talk to their school as they may be able to access some counselling and extra support. Also the teacher will be more understanding in case of any issues that may arise due to their distress.

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