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Thread: don't know how to take the next step

  1. #19

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    Well it's all come apart at the seams. Something snapped in me & I just couldn't continue on miserably unhappy with my husband in denial pretending everything is fine. It was killing my soul & I was snapping at my children and crying and feeling like I was so lost.
    I've temporarily moved into my parents with the kids, I've leased a house & get the keys next week. It's a relief not to be going along with my husbands denial. He now understands that I'm serious & not bluffing. We are only communicating via text. I know he's angry at me for turning his world upside down but it's gotten to the point where I need to put my own needs & feelings first, instead of his. Its upsetting & I have no idea how I will actually pack up my house and move but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.



    I know I am making the right decision for myself, and that will flow on to my kids having a happier & better functioning mother. It's still the hardest thing I've ever had to do though.

    Any words of encouragement greatly appreciated.

  2. #20

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    Default don't know how to take the next step

    Lots of hugs. You can only do what is right for you. He will understand one day. No matter how much you love someone if you aren't happy it's not going to work!

  3. #21

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    Lots of hugs for you!

  4. #22
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    yep, something in you just snapped, and you got to your point of no return, i hear you.

    How will you do it?
    You will be VERY busy, in the packing and setting up new place stage.
    If you have anyone helpful in your life, say yes to help.
    If they like packing, get them to pack.
    If they like being with your kids, let them babysit, to free you up for packing.
    Make lists of what you need to do, so when you are overwhelmed, you can show your bit of paper and the helper can read what you need, select what on your list, they feel able to do.

    If negotiating with ex is ugly, get someone to come with you, when you have to go back to old family home, to get stuff/pack.

    Try and be as business like as you can (just to get thru this stage).
    Refer to your lists, and prioritise.
    Make the first trip, for the STUFF YOU REALLY REALLY NEED, CANNOT DO WITHOUT. So if the situation goes downhill, you will at least have the most crucial stuff.
    e.g whitegoods (expensive to replace),
    photos, certificates, memorabilia that you can't replace, and you will have things special to you, your kids.

    As you pack, have a big texta and masking tape with you. Label each box, so you can selectively open them at the other end. And mark in big caps, which ones are FRAGILE.

    When you set up new place, pretend you are camping initially. Have a bare basics box for each room, so that even on first night there, everyone has somewhere to sleep, pjs, ability to have a wash, make a sandwich/have breakfast/drinks and biccies for the helpers, emergency box (torch, first aid kit). Everything else can wait.

    i set up my dd's bed and some toys first, so she felt "at home".


    it IS alot to do, and you will somehow keep going on adrenalin.


    i hope your parents are supportive and back you up, through this difficult time. You're doing what has to be done, doesn't make it any easier though.

    i hope my post is helping you realise, you DO know what to do, just break it down into steps, and as you say "one foot in front of the other", just keep swimming!

    I get anxiety, panic attacks, migraines, the whole nine yards from moving house normally, let alone when i left ex, so i do get how scary the process is (and overwhelming).

    So sad our exes don't believe how bad things have gotten UNTIL we leave.

  5. #23

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    Its hard. And it takes a long time to get over it. But you CAN do it. I moved interstate, alone, with my 4 kids when I left my ex 16 months ago. I had some basics, beds, mattresses, sheets, washing machine etc, but I didn't have a fridge or lounge. I've now got my house pretty well complete, thanks to my brother helping me out with a few bits & pieces he had sitting around & facebook buy & sell pages.

    Kids all deal with it differently. My ex worked away alot, so wasn't in the family home much anyway. So that's something they were kind of used too. Mine are all dealing with it differently, but I know they/we are all a LOT happier with out the stress of that relationship. They miss him & love him, but rarely get upset about it. They don't see him. (abusive relationship, complicated). He & his teen 'fiance' are due to have a baby in July. The kids met her & she treated them better than their father did. But to me she'll never be 'step mother' while she's helping him enjoy our child support. She isn't in my kids lives, so thats ok with me. If she was, I don't think I'd mind. She does seem to care about the kids & as I said, put their interests first, even though he didn't.
    She's also very niave & has a lot to learn about him :/

    The relief you'll feel in your own place & the freedom you'll feel when dealing with your kids will far out weigh the sadness & guilt over the situation. My family is much happier now than we ever were before

  6. #24

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    Help. I've woken up this morning not knowing what the hell i'm doing. I feel like once I am moved into my house I will be okay, but this lead up to it is driving me crazy with emotions. Once its done is it easier? I am so worried about how hurt my ex will be, and his family's reaction. Also because we are not communicating, I feel such a sense of betrayal, like I have dumped him and am leaving him and its all my fault, even though I know its not and I tried everything. I feel so lost. Wish I could fast forward two weeks down the track and have it all done and dusted.

  7. #25

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    It's not going to be easy. It's going to be tough. But you don't actually have the luxury to run and hide - you have to be strong for your children. You made your decision and you believe that it is the right thing to do.

    No one knows what tomorrow will bring. Life is full of surprises. Keep moving forward.

    Listen to your heart and trust in your judgement and believe in yourself. Only you can make the decisions about what is best for you and your children. Not other people. We can only be there to give you support.

  8. #26

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    Default Re: don't know how to take the next step

    I agree with everything cass said. You will be ok. We are all here for you. Huge hugs xxx

  9. #27

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    Default Re: don't know how to take the next step

    I know what your going through. our situations are similar and we also move in 2 weeks.
    I have moments where I doubt myself, when I kid myself-perhaps it could be ok to stay?, then I listen to my heart and I KNOW its not right to stay.

    It will be ok. Once you have moved, things will shift and it'll be ok.

    Yes there will be hard times, there always are, but you'll get through them. Your a strong women, you'll be ok

  10. #28

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    i am so flabbergasted...
    In text messages I spoke to my husband today and asked him why he hadn't told any of his family, his response was that he liked to think it wasn't the end yet and that he had some changes to make.
    i am gobsmacked, i have told him i am leaving and have rented a house as of next week, and he still thinks its not happening?! i told him that the time to make changes was months ago when we were in marriage counselling, and now that i have made the painful decision to leave, he is talking about making changes and i'm already gone.
    i am lost and hurt and feel so guilty that he is in complete denial, i feel like its my fault he is in denial somehow, what else could i have done, he chose to not take it seriously and ignore my feelings. help.

  11. #29

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    Default don't know how to take the next step

    His actions are not YOUR fault! Of he is in denial that is his fault not urs.

  12. #30

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    i guess deep down i know that but at the same time it is killing me and i feel terrible.
    i told him so many times how unhappy i was, we went to counselling, i told him again, i told him what i wanted and needed, i told him i wasn't getting it, or getting anything from the relationship, the counsellor told him, told him ways to improve it on his end etc, he did nothing, we did nothing, neither of us tried... i snapped and made the decision to leave... what more could i have done to make him pay attention and listen to how i was feeling and take me seriously... it is killing me that we are in such different head spaces... i feel like i am hurting him so much and turning his world upside down.

  13. #31

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    Default don't know how to take the next step

    You are turning his life upside down... He is going to be hurt.,. But forget about that for a moment - him not trying - turned YOUR LIFE upside down...

  14. #32

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    Maybe it's not the end. Maybe time apart from each other is what you both need. Maybe this will change him. Maybe it won't. Maybe you will both end up back together (this time happy). Maybe you will just end up as friends.

    Like I said before, no one knows what tomorrow will bring. Life is full of possibilities. Just concentrate on what you are doing now.

    And, gosh, ask him for help to move your things. It just might open his eyes up that it's really happening.

  15. #33
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    it's not totally impossible, in theory, for two spilt up people, to have relationship counselling WHILST living apart.

    He needs a big wake up call
    You need to see him go to counselling and actually PLAN and ACT on how to make things SAID at counselling, actually come true.

    You might have some deal breakers, that once you see evidence, of him doing them, that might make you reconsider "trying again".

    i think it's easier to work this stuff out, with counsellors, than live like flatmates at home, and be miserable.

    best of luck with the move

  16. #34

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    Default Re: don't know how to take the next step

    Some times a shock is what is needed in order for people to change.
    Some times they can't change.
    you don't need to feel guilty, you gave it your all.

    You are now in control of your life and your children. This is a wonderful freedom.

    Good luck with your move

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