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Thread: Feeling like a failure

  1. #1

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    Default Feeling like a failure

    My vent

    I have been struggling finacially all year this year with high rent and high everything else on top of reduced income due to no maintenance (he lost his job apparently) and also I haven't been able to work due to my little girls repeated illness and repeated hospitalisation. I have also had a heap of car repairs lately. I had to give up today and called a local assistance centre for food vouchers because we cant get through till next week.
    I feel like such a failure for not being able to provide for my little girl.


  2. #2

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    Oh hon you are not a failure. You are doing the absolute best you can for your family. Things are hard now but they will pick up. Those measures are in place to help people out when they need it so do not feel bad for getting outside help. If you can't work you can't work and I understand how frustrating it is when everything breaks down or goes wrong. Hon, this is a fantastic country where people can call out and ask for help so take advantage of it while you need it.

    If there is anything I can do, please let me know...you are a great Mum and you are there for your little girl, that is the most important thing and that is all she needs

  3. #3

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    Oh dear, im so sorry to hear what you are going through. Have you contacted Family Assistance or even the Salvos to see if they can help at all? I know its probably not enough but may help a little.
    You are not a failure at all. You are providing your little girl with all the love in the world. If anything you are helping her get through her day to day life.. you are being a wonderful mummy to her, she wouldnt be able to do it without you. Things will get better.. you just need to get over this little hurdle in your life and youll find the light at the end of the tunnel.

    Big and i for you things will pick up soon.

  4. #4

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    SJL - It must be so hard for you at the moment. I agree with what others have said - check out all of your options as you may be able to get some through centrelink. I am sure you already have but it might pay to check again. Do you have family that can help?
    As for your parenting - you are just feeling down about it all but deep down I hope you know that you are being an awesome mum. You know what? She won't remember any of the things you are worrying about now. But she will remember the time you spent with her when she was sick and the fact that you are there for her when she needs. I am sorry that things are tough at the moment but they will get better. Big hugs.

  5. #5
    paradise lost Guest

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    Hun you ARE providing for her. When life was at it's hardest, so hard you felt maybe all you had left was your pride, you sacrificed even some of that to make sure there was food in your child's mouth. That's what being a mother is.

    I'm in the UK, our system works differently, i get weekly food tokens for milk and fresh fruit and veg and though i'd rather be able to look after us myself, YOU BET i use them. My DD doesn't know or care where the banana in her cereal came from, or how there got to be another 6 apples in the fruit bowl. She only cares that they exist at all, that i am here, loving her, spending the time we have together doing fun things, just BEING THERE for her.

    I've been on benefits in Scotland for just over 2 years, some of that time my XP couldn't pay maintenance either, and sometimes things get SO HARD. Sometimes i have to sit up very late just to do the washing because my electricity is cheaper after midnight. I'm moving house soon and i visited the new place last night and thought "they have their thermostat at 21C, that's INSANE!" because to me room temperature is 18C if DD's here, 17C if she's not. In fact i'm typing this in bed (DD's at her dad's and i've got a cold, so i'm having a rare lazy day) and i've got the heating on at 15C...

    It can be so hard in this society to believe that money doesn't matter, because everwhere we look we are advertised at and all the papers and magazines and tv channels have aspirational lifestyle-adverts telling us to be successful or happy we must have this, buy that. It is hard ENOUGH getting by all that, without having to struggle to get even the most basic of necessities.

    But i just want to tell you that you're NOT a failure. SIngle parents living in poverty have the hardest job, and instead of being admired or celebrated for coping, we're judged or derided and labelled as lazy, stupid, etc. When i go to the local big supermarket with my vouchers the check-out staff can be SOOOO snooty. They have to take the vouchers, which are worth 3GBP each, but they always count up every qualifying item so carefully to make sure i'm not "cheating" - i once had a voucher turned down because the fruit i bought, which would have been 3.89GBP was discounted at the till due to it being close to closing time and it going out of sell-by that day, so it ended up being 2.99GBP - for that one penny they refused my voucher. I am treated like scum, the inference being that because i'm on benefit i must drink and smoke and take drugs and that if i didn't do those things i could afford fruit for my child without vouchers. It is so hard hun, but hold your head up high. Bad times never last forever and while they ARE here, your daughter is very lucky to have a mummy who will lay everything she has, including even some of her pride, on the line to make sure she is loved and fed.

    Much love

    Bx

  6. #6

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    Gotta spread the love Bec but what an awesome post!

  7. #7

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    STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Don't you dare think like that for one moment longer. FFS! Its clear what a great parent you are and you still have time to post some excellent help in my thread, thank you so much.

    Wot Bec said. I had to go to the local centre for bloody soap a few months back. It sucked until I got in there and the ladies are so kind and caring. And they are volunteers, so there out of the love for those they are helping. Understand?

    Sit back for a minute and think about who donated the stuff you have accepted. Well yes big business do, (but f*k 'em they probably do it for the tax break anyway) but so do a lot of people of have been in your shoes before. How many people donate food and cash because they were given help when they needed it? Imagine the love and goodwill that comes with that!
    I know you would have supported some sort of charity in you lifetime, did you not send it with love too? Accept the help in the spirit it was given.

    Its ok. Its temporary. You will get back on your feet and you will be donating back to the community with love too

  8. #8

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    I second what Bec had to say and only want to add

  9. #9

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    I don't quite know what to say because the others have already said it so well but please don't feel bad. You are providing your child with the most important thing in the world which is love. AND from the sounds of your post you will also teach her very good values which are to not take government/charity handouts for granted but use them as they are meant to be used which is a safety net. That's why we have a welfare system/charities because from time to time good people need them. That's what they're there for. Do you know how many people there are in your situation who would just be complaining that the government should provide?

    The only good thing about hard times is that it makes us more empathetic towards others and really just more human. I know that after I had a rough time mentally and how close I came to being sectioned that I have much more empathy towards all sorts of people. The 'nutter on the tram' could so easily be me and I never, ever forget that. I know that won't be any consolation right now but really what I'm saying is that this is a glitch and you will get through it and there is no need to feel guilty. You should feel bloody proud of yourself because you sound like a bloody excellent parent to me.

  10. #10

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    hun

    i second what the other say.. you are def not a failure and you should be proud that you were able to ask for help.. Asking for help is one of the hardest things to do..

    YOu will get back on your feet and you daughter will have nothing but respect for you because of the way you have raised her.

    being a single parent is a hard job... so take it easy on yourself.. no one is perfect


    xxxx

  11. #11

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    Thanks for you comments and support.
    I am trying not to beat my self up too much.
    I guess what gets to me the most is because I choose to be in the situation I am in. I choose to take Sarah on instead of letting her parents hand her over to DHS to be placed in an institution because they couldn't handle her disability and I have always had this unrealistic fear that if I can't provide for her then Sarah would be taken off me (when I first started the legal process to become her legal mother DHS said I couldn't do it because I was too young and single) I am always OTT with making sure she has everything and she always looks presentable (even if I don't) and asking for help is a big no-no. I asked for help last year because we became homeless(all sorted now) and that was hard to ask especially since I was told by a very supportive friend to tell everything that was going on including talking about why I had to move from where we were with support to meet Sarah''s needs (I moved due to disclosing about childhood sexual abuse and the related court case to my mother, I couldn't handle living there after telling her what her ExP had done to me and her tell all reaction to knowing). After that help I promised Sarah I would always provide for her no matter how tough things got, this year has been so hard but I have always given her what she needs and now when things arn't so stressed (She is out of hospital, court is finished, uni has finished for the year, TAFE has finished completely) and now things hit financially. All I had to do was make it through one more pay day and then the centrelink bonus comes in but I can't make it.

    My family are no support. When I became Sarah's mother my sister told I was making the worst decision in my life. When we became homeless she told me I could move in with her but Sarah would have to go into care for that to happen (Which I would not do, no one will ever seperate us). My brothers live interstate/international at the moment so they are no help and my father does not accept Sarah as part of the family, he wont help me because he thinks it is my own fault I am struggling.

    I shall try to not beat my self up too much and I shall accept what we have been given, everyone is right it doesn't matter how the food made it's way into the pantry it is here to be eaten when Sarah needs it.

    Thank you

    You know something I just thought of, I am the first person to say to friends who are struggleing "Go to the local services, they can help with food vouchers/ utility bills/ accomodation/ funding" but yet I can't handle having to use it myself and I guess there is no difference between me getting funding for food than getting funding for respite care/holidays. and It is only until I can get back on my feet in a week or so.


  12. #12

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    Wow SJL I didn't know your story and I already thought you were a great mum, now I think you're just amazing! You have done such a wonderful thing giving your DD a home when her own parents couldn't handle it. You deserve all the support in the world and those services are there for people exactly like you - who are doing their best to look after their kids and going through a tough time. Biggest hugs for you and we are all behind you..... a few words of encouragement for you here

  13. #13

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    SJL,

    I'm so sorry, I didn't realise until how much you are going through and how much of an amazing person you are. If any one deserves a bit of a helping hand it's you, and if I could I would give you some of my own money to help out, but unfortunately I am struggling and I haven't even had all the things going on this year that you have. As everyone else has said, don't feel like a failure. Just the fact that you took your DD into your care when no one else was willing to, that shows such strength. Yes, you chose it, but does that mean you deserve help any less than someone who didn't choose to be in that situation? NO! You deserve it just as much if not more because you knew what you would be taking on and you still chose to do it. Your DD has a loving, wonderful mother who is doing everything in her power to provide for her, and that is what matter the most.

    Most of the single mothers I have talked to in my area have said they have all had to get free food or vouchers at some point. I had to do it when I was pregnant and still with ExP. These days I am just lucky that Mum puts up with me at home for now.. There are days when I run out of money (and can't ask Mum for help because she has already left for work) and have to scrounge around for change just to catch the bus to uni and I wonder how single parents do it when they don't have the type of support I have.. When they have to pay rent or a mortgage, rates and electricity bills, and everything else under the sun, all by themselves - I'm just in awe. You're doing an amazing job. Just remember it's braver to ask for help when you need it, rather than never admit there is a problem and struggle on when you could be getting some much deserved help.


    I hope you're feeling better today.

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