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Thread: A few questions about separation

  1. #1

    Default A few questions about separation

    Just wondering how often your kids see their dad since you separated ?



    How often do you see or talk to your ex now ?

    What do you do for birthdays / Christmas and other special days , how do they work now ?

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Melbourne
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    1,301

    Default A few questions about separation

    Every situation is different, that's what I learnt over the past 3.5yrs. Every child, mum, and dad is different.

    This is what works great for us, the kids, him, and me:

    I felt it important that my kids didn't miss out on the valuable relationship with their Dad just because we were no longer together. I also believe that two people created my kids so I don't have 100% control over them. so from the very beginning I never looked at it like 'when should I let him see them'. He is a wonderful father and they are as close with him as they are me.

    It started as 50/50 but after a few months we agreed the boys should be with me that bit more. I worked less hours and logistically it made sense too, with school/kinder drop offs and pick ups, etc. So it went to 56/44% or thereabouts?! 8 nights per fortnight with me, 6 nights per fortnight with him. Kids were 6 and 3. When DS1 turned 9 we agreed to a change for 50/50 for him. DS2 no change but I will be agreeable to it at his request.

    We share birthdays, one has night before one has night of. Kids love it they get to see both of us and get lots of pressies (all kids needs perks in a separated family sitch as long as they are not spoilt because of it!). We alternate Xmas, I can't wait to wake up with them this year!

    I miss them when I don't have them but I know they are just as cared for and loved with him. I just have to get over it for their sake. I keep busy by looking after myself so when they are back they have a happy and healthy Mummy. I spend quality time with DF and family and friends. I work and cook and clean and organise life, those jobs as a Mum don't stop when they are with Daddy!

    Ex and I don't need to see or chat much. Both kids are at school. Any issues we discuss on email unless really important. Just last week we had a few phone chats about DS2 bed wetting and DS1 high school preparation. I guess he is a really hands on Dad (I think lots of Dads get more hands on after separation and like to be involved more in such things, good for them and the kids I say).

    So that's how it works for us!

  3. #3

    Join Date
    May 2010
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    Default Re: A few questions about separation

    After we separated I had 3 kids full time for around 3-4 weeks while he was house hunting (moved into his mates in the mean time). Once he had a house, he had them 6 days/overnight a fortnight. That lasted about 5 months. I was then having issues and he had them 11 nights a fortnight and I took them 1 at a time for 3 nights. Then our agreement changed to something more complicated we all got confused.

    Thankfully we now do week on, week off.

    I'm friends with my ex so we speak every week at change over, and communicate as needed through out the week.

    Birthdays we all meet up as a family (+ our own hubby/wife) and celebrate. Christmas I have them on odd years and Easter on even years.

    Anything at the school (merit awards, interviews etc), we both go together.

    We get in much better now and support our children the best we can despite being separated.

  4. #4

    Default Re: A few questions about separation

    We're high conflict. Always have been even when we were together.

    Our arrangements have changed, by mutual consent, over the years to accommodate for aging. What was suitable to our newborn is obviously not going to work for our now school kid.

    Generally we don't talk. Communication is kept to a minimum verbally, and most is done via email or sms. Change over is kept to a neutral place (parks, police stations, petrol stations, maccas) places with other people. Now that we are at school age, we try for as many change overs as possible where drop off or pick up is direct to school. This has helped with our child adjusting to the change in parenting also I've found.

    We have consent orders for significant and substantial time reflecting what ex asked for, reality is far less as ex ended up having other 'commitments'.

    Special events were half and half until school. Now they are afternoons with ex if it falls on a school day unless we are able to negotiate otherwise. Everything has a fall back clause as we can't negotiate or communicate to save our lives. Ex is informed off all appointments, meetings, school events, he rarely attends so I then pass on important information that he has missed via email.

    Its not ideal, but it works (as well as it can).

  5. #5

    Default Re: A few questions about separation

    We unschool so it is a bit simpler for us as we aren't trying to divide time around school. DD1 who is 5 generally spends most of the weekend with her dad (Sat night). DP generally works weekends so we have our weekendesque family time during the week. She speaks to her dad on the phone every couple of days but is free to whenever, that's just what it seems to have settled into.

    We speak to him as needed, mostly a quick conversation at change overs is all. We are friendly (DP included) but it is mostly due to our connections to DD1, we wouldn't independent of that be friends if that makes sense. We have each other on Facebook so I try to keep mine informative, especially to share her learning with him, which reminds me I've been a bit slack lately.

    DD1 is with us for all special occasions. We also generally make the big decisions and her dad supports us in that and them.

    I think you just have to find what suits. Our priority is DD1 so we take a lot of our lead from her, I'm very thankful for how committed each of us is to that so things are really smooth and comfortable.

  6. #6

    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    3,750

    Default Re: A few questions about separation

    4 times a year. He lives 10kms away.

    I have not spoken to my ex in years.

    As for Christmas/Birthdays my DD is old enough to decide. He missed the 1st 8yrs at his choice. But then demanded he has her for half of every Christmas and Birthday. DD is has not seen him for the past 2 Christmas's/Birthdays and has no plans on changing that. I don't see why if they can't make the effort at other times of the year (taking out distance as being a problem) they should suddenly be entitled to them for special occassions.

    Ex received FTB and a significantly reduced child support due to having DD X amount of times per fortnight which he never does. Its nto worth the back lash of calling child support/centre link and changing anything (no court orders so only verbal)

  7. #7

    Join Date
    Jun 2010
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    District Twelve
    Posts
    8,425

    Default Re: A few questions about separation

    My DD hasn't seen her bio father for just under two years. We like it that way.

    Prior to that, she saw him fortnightly on weekends and half school holidays. She dreaded it.

    Christmas was alternated.

  8. #8

    Default Re: A few questions about separation

    My child hasn't seen father in several years now. By fathers own choice. High conflict situation with DV.
    We don't talk as my exes preferred method of communication is to ring his mum with some bs story about me apparently 'being mean' to him and then she rings me up to abuse me for being mean to her 30 + year old man child.

  9. #9

    Join Date
    Sep 2007
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    Default Re: A few questions about separation

    I moved to the other side of the country to get away from my DV ex. I've taken the kids back to that side of the country twice in the past 2.5 years. He saw them the first trip, because I took them to him. Didn't bother the second time. He had the option, his parents brought his other child to see them - behind my back :/ but they made the effort - but he 'has too many bills to pay'. I offered him half that first Christmas, but no. Too hard to drive a few hours to do that.

    He calls every 2-3 months. They can call him, but they don't bother very often. He only has a phone for a few months before something happens to it, so half the time we can't get in touch with him.

    I try remember to tell him the big things happening in the kids lives, but tbh, I don't have any interest in speaking to him at all if I can avoid it.

    This year his parents would like them for Christmas. At their expense. I'm fine with that, as long as they are under the supervision of his parents. Not him. Not keen on spending Christmas alone, or with my friends & their kids, but I could use a few days off! Lol

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