thread: Getting through to XDH

  1. #1
    BellyBelly Member

    May 2010
    Land of Dreams

    Getting through to XDH

    I need some help!

    XDH is an ok dad, theres alot worse out there. He cares for our 3 kids, meets their basic needs, and loves them. However, i have a huge issue with the amount of physical time he spends with them.

    We have 50/50 shared care, week on/week off. Kids aged 7, 6 and 4.5

    On my week:
    I drop off/pick up the older 2 from school @315pm
    DH drops off and picks up the youngest from daycare @5pm
    530pm bath, 6pm dinner, 630pm teeth/toilet and quiet time, 7pm bed
    Saturdays we usually do things around the home (games, dvd, cooking, ball fun etc)
    Sunday is family day and we will go out and do fun things (park, drives, swimming etc)
    We try to go camping every now and then

    His week:
    He drops all 3 off to school/daycare
    He picks them up at 530/6pm
    6pm dinner, 630 bath, 7pm bed
    Saturdays his DF goes out, he turns tv on or send them out side while he sits in front of the pc
    Sunday they do something that involves very little interaction (movies, play centre, other peoples homes with kids)

    I spend A LOT of physical time with the kids, i wouldnt change that for the world, but i hate how he never spends time with them. All it seems to me is, he feeds, baths, bed or drops off to care/school...

    He tells me they are well behaved....thats cos they are never home to muck up, theres no time!

    Am i over reacting or should i just shut up and deal with it? Ive told him that he needs to spend more time with them, but he never does. His work is sooooo flexible, its not a structured 9-5 job, he works for mates.

    He rarely goes any of the school functions that the kids went me/him/us to attend, every thing is an effort.

    My eldest has asked many times why doesnt daddy take them out or do fun things like we do.

    Do i just focus on MY time with the kids and provide them with the best i can...what he does/doesnt do, leave it be, thats his problem/business?

    As a side note...he was like this when were together, so nothing has changed.

  2. #2
    BellyBelly Member

    Jan 2013

    No real advice but I understand where you're coming from, my XDH never goes anywhere with our DD or makes an effort to interact with her. Often on his weekends they sit at opposite ends of the house watching different DVDs. It's heart breaking at times but I've tried to explain to him the benefits of making an effort but he doesn't get it, or won't even try to understand.
    Now she only goes to his house every third wkend as we moved away last year & they are both happy with that arraignment, I guess he gets let off the hook & she only has to be bored out of her mind once a month.

    It is sad for your kids but they will eventually understand that you & your X are different people with different parenting techniques. I do have to say though that it's a tick in his square that he keeps the bath, dinner, bed routine - so many ex partners have completely different (or none) routines & that can be difficult for kids to understand.

  3. #3
    BellyBelly Member

    May 2010
    Land of Dreams

    He wins them over with monetary ways (they both work so 2 incomes, his parents are loaded and let it be known, the kids basically spoilt when with him).

    Yes I am very strict with the night routine and made sure he followed it too!

  4. #4
    BellyBelly Member

    May 2005

    Getting through to XDH

    I think you need to let it go. Unfortunately you don't get a say in how he parents. You may realize that he and the kids are missing out with the way he choices to do things, but it is his choice and you cannt interfere in that. It is his responsibility to foster and design his relationship with his kids. All you can do is work on your own.

    And truthfully, it doesn't sound too different in routine to many working parents (and possibly non working parents too) who have full custody of their children.

  5. #5

    Jun 2010
    District Twelve

    I agree with Misty. If you are concerned they are being neglected or not cared for properly perhaps you should go to court to change the care arrangements. Otherwise, it's kind of between them, infuriating as it may be to you. Kids are smart. They will work it out and his relationship with them may not be as strong as it could have been.

  6. #6
    BellyBelly Member

    May 2010
    Land of Dreams

    I just feel bad for the kids
    ive tried letting it go, but pulls at my heart all the time

  7. #7
    BellyBelly Member

    Dec 2006

    They have fun with you, and at least he is involved, he is probably doing a lot more than other dad's.

  8. #8
    BellyBelly Member

    Nov 2011
    SE Melbourne

    It can be hard to let go - but maybe think about it like you are focusing on what you actually have control over to help your children grow as best you can. In fact by focusing on it and discussing it with him you may just make things worse accidentally!! Kids pick up on things and the last thing you want is for them to think you are constantly criticising him. That will just end up affecting your relationship with them.

    Like everyone he is probably doing the best that he knows how with the knowledge he has - and as you are not together anymore its really his own business how he chooses to have a relationship with them or not.

    Hard to watch though - so try and find a way to reframe it for yourself.... Or accept that it makes you feel uncomfortable and make a conscious choice to live your own life and brung them up according to your values when you have them. X