Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 18 of 24

Thread: Having 'the' talk...

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Australia
    Posts
    8,980

    Default Having 'the' talk...

    For those of you who started off a separation by saying it was a trial etc... how did you deal with the 'it's over' thing? It's doing my head in, it had to happen and I am trying to stay objective in all of this but argh, its so frustrating... I dont want to argue with him anymore and it feels like everything is turning into an argument and I am in such a foul mood today now ...

    Kelly xx

    Creator of BellyBelly.com.au, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
    Follow me in 2015 as I go Around The World + Kids!
    Forever grateful to my incredible Mod Team

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Ever so slowly going crazy...
    Posts
    2,268

    Default

    When I first separated from my ExH, we wanted to give it a real go.

    So we left each other alone, and just "dated" for a while. No talk of the big issues, just general fun stuff.

    It became very clear to both of us that we were just friends, and thats all. So for us, the actual "we wont be getting back together" talk was mutual, and the friendship we found has kept us great friends, which is perfect for our kids.

    Maybe you can try, "no talking of the issues" for a while, and see if you still have common ground first?? If you can get DH on board to try this way, it may work for you two.

    Good luck, it can be so hard babe....

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Sunny Qld
    Posts
    14,683

    Default

    Aw kelly I'm sorry you are going through this. Its never easy.

    I had a trial separation with my first husband for two months - he stayed in Melbourne and I came back home to Queensland. We decided that since I had another year at uni to go to in Melbourne - that we would give it another go.

    It just didn't work. The arguments were neverending, I wasn't happy, and I felt that I was compromising who I am as a person because I was trying to make everything all peachy keen when it wasn't.

    After about 10 months I moved to Queensland again, and he said he would follow me. (this was in the November)

    By January I had kinda got the hint that he wasn't coming up. He called me one night in February and confirmed that it was over. To me, it was a great relief, I could get on with my life - there was nothing/no-one holding me back - I could be ME again.

    Of course I grieved for the relationship that we used to have - but we both wanted different things and had grown apart too much to ever try to repair it. And you know what? It turned out to be the very best thing I ever did in my life - now I'm married to someone who isn't just my husband, but my best friend too - and I can yell, scream and throw tanties like the hormonal, overtired, stressed out mother that I am - and he comes and talks to me like nothing has happened 10 minutes later.

    I wish you lots of luck in your journey.

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    In the darkroom
    Posts
    2,208

    Default

    Just wanted to pop in and give you a big Kelly.

  5. #5

    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Cherry Tree Lane
    Posts
    1,108

    Default

    kel, i had no idea i really hope you guys come to the best solution for the kids.

    this is so sad- it's happening everywhere Atm.

  6. #6

    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Waterloo, Merseyside, UK
    Posts
    2,543

    Default

    just wanted to give you huge hugs hunxxx

  7. #7

    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    S/West Sydney
    Posts
    1,794

    Default

    Oh Kell- so sorry your going throug hthis... Dont have any advice as i have not been in that situation but just wanted to say big

  8. #8

    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    North Queensland
    Posts
    2,528

    Default

    Hi Kelly!

    I just went through the exact same thing about a month ago.

    Things were'nt good between DP and me for a long time. I had wanted to move out many time but never had the courage to do it. So in April this year I'd had enough and started to move my things to my mums and look for a place.

    While I was looking for a place we spoke about it only being a trial and that we would be together still, but not living together.

    When I finally found a place for the girls and I, I discovered my "new found freedom" and decided that I really needed to make a decision about whether I wanted to be with him or not.

    When I would take our girls up to him we would argue and he would say things like "Just get in your car and leave". So after that I said to him are we together or not. And him being the coward that he is, left it to me to decide. So I ended it. I guess you could call that our "Having the Talk".

    Just after that I went down for a "holiday" in Rockhampton to see some family. It was the best thing I could have possibly done! The girls and I had a great time. I even manged to meet a man who is going through the same thing as I. We are just friends but meeting him kept my head above water.

    Coming back to Townsville I realised for the first time that me moving out was no trial separation. It was over for good. I don't ever see myself with the girls father again.

    Although I am still a little sad to say it, leaving him was the best thing I could've done FOR ME!

    There is no denying that its hard. Its painful. I had always dreamed of the fairtale family. But it just wasn't meant to be. I stayed unhappy, to keep the stability of a family life for my girls, for a long time. But by doing that I wasn't taking care of me. I lost me. I lost the Sara that was.

    Today, I am a compltely different person inside and out. My mind and body are so much more healthier and happier.

    I send you a truck load of and self confidence. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise!

    You can do this. You can be happy to!

    Good luck!

  9. #9

    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Somewhere Over The Rainbow
    Posts
    3,094

    Default

    Kelly,

    I am not sure if you mean telling him that its over or if you are asking as to how to deal with telling the kids?

    When I left my ex it was not trial by seperation - I finally just got to the point where I told him that I wanted to be on my own - and that same day I left.

    If you mean as to how to deal with him - simply tell him, sit down and say - its not working, I want to be on my own - I have had enough of this trial. He is a grown man, and you are no longer his emotional support person, he has to find out how to deal with it himself. Unfortunately it might hurt, but you have to be tough - you have to look after your health and wellbeing now- he can look after his.

    If you mean the kids - it really depends how old they are......

    Just remember that this is a bright beautiful ending to all of this - trust me

  10. #10
    feeb's Avatar
    feeb is offline Thankful for the kindness of my 2012 RAK making me Life member

    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    melb
    Posts
    8,498

    Default

    ohh hun just wanted to give u a hug and say i am sorry to hear things are not working, u r an amazing woman and will get throught it all!!

  11. #11

    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Chickens.
    Posts
    4,989

    Default

    I originally told Xh on Monday 9 October 2006 that I was going to stay at my parents' for a few days because there were some issues that I needed to deal with, without his input. He was pretty pi$$ed off, which was at least part of the problem. He and I went out for dinner on the Friday night (13 October 2006, 2 years ago today EEEK!) and I told him I wasn't coming home, it was over. He was really upset and used the whole emotional baggage trick to try and convince me otherwise.

    I basically went the whole "I need time and space, it's not you it's me" thing which was so not true, it was and remains all about him. I had to explain my feelings and even justify them at times. It was a really really difficult conversation.

    For me, the thing was that I didn't want my sons to grow up thinking the way their Father treated their Mother was good, or right. I had to emphasise this so much. Sure, I didn't want my kids coming from a broken home, but better to be two single parents who love the kids happily, than two parents together who can't stand each other, but love the kids and stay together for the kids' sake.

    Oh and I said I wasn't talking to him AT ALL for that whole week. I needed my space and time. No phone, email, text or ANYTHING. I didn't want to see him at all. Or talk to him. All changeovers were at day care.

    Hugs honey. You know where I am if you need me!

  12. #12

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Funky Town, Vic
    Posts
    7,070

    Default

    Its alot harder on the person who didn't make the decision to separate, you have to wait until they catch up with you emotionally and they might not be ready for a long time.

    Lay down some boundaries, refuse to talk in front of the children AT ALL and be prepared to cop some flack for awhile. Imagine yourself in the same position when it gets hard - he is fighting to to get his way as much as you are fighting to get yours.

    GL xoxoxoxo

  13. #13

    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    By the sea
    Posts
    2,191

    Default

    Oh Kelly I am about to go through the same situation. We are on a trial seperation and he thinks we will get back together and I really don't. Soon I'm going to be brave enough to have "the" talk. I suppose the best thing is just to be honest and do it as soon as you are sure, to stop him from being strung along for too long.

    It's the second hard thing you have to do after doing the initial leaving But it will get easier. Good luck hon

  14. #14

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    cowtown
    Posts
    8,276

    Default

    Oh Kelly I dont have the right words to say something wise, just know I'm thinking of you.

  15. #15

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    England
    Posts
    401

    Default

    There was one day when I was living with ExP and he'd been yelling at me for something, probably because I was feeling depressed or something. I burst into tears, DS looked up and started crying.. ExP said "See what you're doing to my son?!" and stormed out. That afternoon I told him I wanted to go and live with my mother. We tried doing the trial thing, on again, off again and even tried a date. He was nice to me occasionally, and I tried to be understanding with him but I just didn't feel it anymore. We didn't end up having the talk so much as me telling him it's over because of a lot of other things that happened at the time and I just snapped one day.

    It's hard, but I guess I was lucky that DS was so young at the time, so I didn't need to explain anything to him. It's been almost 2 years since I officially ended it, but I know it felt like it was over before DS was even born, just neither of us would admit it. ExP still seems to be having problems coming to terms with it alll.

    I agree with Lulu and things other people have already said.. It will be harder for the person who didn't decide to seperate.. They will be resentful, even if they knew it wasn't going too well, it still must be devastating for them to hear someone else admit that they just can't make things work any more. I guess if you both try to be as honest as possible without causing undue hurt (It's going to hurt no matter what, but once someone gets resentful or upset they might start saying things that aren't helpful to the situation).

    Anyway, sorry for going on. Also wanted to say I'll be thinking of you.

  16. #16

    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    6,587

    Default

    Oh Kelly, I hope you find the strength to do what you know is right.. Sending you massive hugs.

    I'm not married, and I've not got kids, but when me and my XP broke up, it wasn't on good terms (I'd found out he'd been sleeping with other women while we were together - all 2 and a half years) until about two months after we broke up. He started communications with me like I was a real person - he'd talk to me like I was a slave - and finally we started the whole dating thing. I met my DF on our 'break' but I already knew I didn't wanna be with him anymore. I started seeing someone else (which lasted all of 10 days) while on the so-called break and when we broke up, he's pouncing on me again. Again, we started dating, went to the movies, dinners out but I had honestly given up with him because I wanted to pursue things with my DF and see if he'd have the same feelings as I had for him. Then August 22nd 2006 my DF asked me to be his girlfriend, and the rest is history!

    Sorry for my babbling! I guess I needed to get it out!
    Sending you lots of hugs, lots of love and lots of prayers

  17. #17

    Default

    DH and I had this talk about a year before we got married.

    He honestly didn't see it coming - the depression, the problems, the lack of communication... he had no idea.

    When he did, we agreed that some things HAD to change. We decided that we'd live just the two of us for a year, and that helped a lot. We saw each other's flaws and learn how to deal with them just the two of us, without me hanging out with the other lads or him running to Mother.

    Sure, his "need" for a lie-in when I'm ill still annoys me. My habit of leaving the washing up overnight annoys us both. I'm more talkative, he doesn't read, I do read, I've not told him yet all the coffee in the house is de-caff (that's the next problem LOL)... but thanks to that earlier talk we do realise how much we mean to each other and how to work through it.

    We've had it again recently. DH just can't cope with the stress we're under at the moment - mostly financially. But that's affecting everyone. And I know it's work stress he's taking out on me, which helps. But I only know this because we make VERY sure we have a half-hour chat about work and worries over dinner (very hard habit to introduce; his parents watch TV at dinnertime and you aren't allowed to speak, even when visitors are there). It's not good behaviour for DS to see, but he is asleep when DH gets really ratty usually. And I can tell DH when I've had enough; he's mad at work and not me. Yes, OK, so I could earn more money BUT I'M GOING TO! Just wait for January! Having that in place helps a bit.

    We still argue. We still wonder if we're best together. But we agree to find where our problems really are and sort that out before doing anything we may regret.

    OK, just helps us and maybe no-one else.

    How to tell DS? TBH, he wouldn't notice; he doesn't see DH at all some days because of work/fishing. After a few days he'd be bringing me photos and asking for his dad, but I'd hope that DH would be round for dinner every night after the inital no-contact zone so DS wasn't too phased by it.

    Of course, if we sold the house and moved away from DH that would be another problem, but I suppose you start preparing for that as early as possible.

  18. #18

    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    near the water
    Posts
    1,230

    Default

    Kel,
    As a very new seperated person today is my 9th day, I am still unsure of what I have done but can see it has had positive effects on me and DD..
    A friend told me that you know when you have to make the decision, I had no idea what she meant when she said it but living with the arguments and crisis at my previous address I knew the decision had to made.
    ExH really made me feel like I had made the right choice when he accused me of "abandoment of the property and was going to have me charged with tresspassing "when I went to get some clothes.
    Hugs hun it isnt easy but I feel so much better at the end of the day when I know I am safe and happy.
    B

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •