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Thread: How did you move past the overwhelming loneliness

  1. #1

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    Default How did you move past the overwhelming loneliness

    DH and I have only been seperated for two weeks. And i feel like i am going insane. I hardly see other adults. And in the evenings when the kids are in bed its so quiet. Also the jumping at every little noise! lol. I HATE being home alone..... now i have no choice.

    I dont really have alot of support except for one friend. Everyone offered support to me, then as soon as DH moved out i didnt hear from them again. So other than chatting to this mate on msn, i am pretty isolated.



    So how long did it take for you to adjust? And did you do anything in particular to get used to it. I am hanging out for a decent sleep

  2. #2

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    It has been 10 weeks since my husband died and it is easier in some ways (we have found a groove of sorts) but I still hate the loneliness and the lack of adult contact each and every day. I have lots of support but it still makes no difference when you are on your own late in the evening.

    As for sleep - I have taken the path of least resistance. Our children were never *good* sleepers before their Daddy died and needed comforting to go to sleep. He was the main night time routine parent due to me working evenings. They still need settling but I have decided a later bedtime for everyone is better for us than me spending many hours fighting with them to get them to sleep. So we are all awake ATM but both of them are now tired and should both be asleep within minutes of us all going to bed together. I am taking the anthropology viewpoint of many societies (looking for justification wherever I can find it ) where there is no such thing as a bedtime and they go to sleep when they are tired. It is working so far and we are all getting more sleep and more rest - critical for me with 5 weeks of a pregnancy left to go. Consequently, I have very little quiet time alone of an evening but I am ok with that.

  3. #3
    rhyb Guest

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    You find your own groove. For me it was co sleeping DS, running off his self appointed schedule and making an effort with everyone else and hoping theyd reciprocate. It gets easier babe just hang in there

  4. #4

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    I'm not single atm, but DH & I have been pretty on & off over the past 2 years. Even when things are ok, he mostly works away, so I'm home alone alot.
    TBH, I now crave the alone time. I love having the bed to myself, having DS in there... we co sleep full time when DH isn't here, & being able to have the older kids in bed with me if they are sick or something. Makes my life a bit easier.
    My MIL got past the noise thing by sleeping with the TV on all night. Even now she has been married for 18 years she still can't sleep with the TV off. I got a dog, but only coz that was possible for me. Having her in the backyard & knowing she'll bark is enough to make me feel safe. I also sleep with the phone & my mobile beside my bed. I used to shut the back half of the house up too. The half with all our bedrooms. The smaller area made me feel safer.
    Take your kids to the park & down for hot chips at the local cafe & just get out of the house. You might not get much adult conversation, but getting out of the house just for an hour or so every day helps you forget that you are lonely
    After a while youll start meeting other mum's. It might be a while before you have a heap of people to hang out with all the time, but you will. I have a good friend I either see or talk to on the phone every day, then we have a bigger group of friends & we all go down to the club with all the kids (at least 10 all up!) for the weekly meat raffles. Or we'll meet for coffee or something. Avon parties etc. We all have kids & all have more than one, so we are all in the same boat. Not many of us get to go out partying, lol.
    Just give yourself some time. Enjoy just being able to concentrate on you & your babies. You can put in so much more time with them when they are the only ones your thinking about. & when that crappy relationship is out of the way, you are happier with them & more patient, as well as having loads of time to keep the house clean! lol.
    It will get easier

  5. #5

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    Early days of separation can be so weird. Friends get weird, you FEEL weird and without all the hours of fighting you have alot more time on your hands .

    I've been single for a looong time, I have no idea what I did before the internet was invented. Ran up huge phone bills I think!
    I sleep with the telly on too, often I go for ages without worry about being alone in the house, then I have a few weeks of jitters, then it's all good.

    I blog in the evenings too.

    With the friends - you might have to start reaching out yourself for some company. As I said before people can get weird at the start, but if you call them instead of waiting for support you can begin getting your new life and routine sorted a little quicker.

    xoxoxo

    GL

  6. #6

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    It was definitely weird at the beginning. You know when I was married, I couldn't understand why my XH had all these great friends and I had hardly any. Since we've been seperated (nearly two years) people I already knew have come forward to be some of the most important people in my life, my best friends.

    I don't miind evenings, never really did. I have the TV, the computer, movies...it's relaxing. WRT the loneliness and feeling empty, I started feeling grateful and keeping a gratitude journal. Now it's hard to understand if you dont really feel it. To be honest I didn't when I started. I would write down "i'm grateful for the kids blah, blah, blah" and not really feel it. But then it just kicked in and now I feel grateful for everything. It makes the world a lot less of a lonely place when you realise that the life you have is pretty darn amazing, whatever it is.

    As for the sleep thing...Co Sleep If it works for you, but I think it's probably saved most of our lives mant times over!

    GL hun, it does get easier I promise. My life is a million times better now and I actually feel like i'm living my life, my way. Not somebody else way. And that's the way things are supposed to be xxx

  7. #7

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    Firstly so sorry you are going through a breakup, from my experience it was or is the hardest thing ive ever had to do in my life. Its not easy but i promise it does get easier.
    Me and my XP split up about 4mths ago, the first couple of weeks are the hardest by far, my XP didnt even tell me to my face that we were over. I found out off facebook

    There is no words i can say that can make it any easier on your heart, most women will face intense feelings and go on to live fulfilling and happy lives.but he not so good news is that it takes time.

    It is emotionally difficult to detach from someone we have been in a relationship with for a while.

    I found what worked for me- is reaching out to my family and friends instead of pushing people away, i asked for help when i needed it. The hardest part through my seperation was going to bed, I have only now started being able to sleep through the night. If things were so bad i would go and get my DS and co-sleep it was the best thing i think i could of done as i had my DS by myside everything just seemed ok when he was there.
    I also am seeing a cousellor twice a week which is really helping me get over my XP and move on with MY life.
    As for evenings- i try keep myself busy, either go do the groceries, watch tv, internet, movies, sometimes even go stay at my parents if im having a bad day.
    I have started to learn how to cook as XP used to do all the cooking. and im enjoying myself.
    Thursday nights i have a bunch of my girlfriends around and i cook dinner and we just chat and have a laugh, something i havent done in agess.
    every evening i snug DS up and drive to the beach and just go for a stroll to clear my head before bed.
    As for getting to sleep i often like the others will leave the tv on or put my ipod on its dock and have a sing along- i find doing this doesnt make my mind start thinking about things.

    All the other ladies have given you wonderful advice.
    If you need someone to chat to feel free to PM me.

    GoodLuck xxxx

  8. #8

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    Thank you all so much for your advice. Its been such a hard two weeks that i was starting to wonder if it was easier having him around.

    DS usually cosleeps at night. He has horrible nightmares, so climbs in with me around 1am. I cant sleep with the tv going. Lol tried that and ended up having some crazy dreams that seemed to be about what was on the tv

    As for the friends, I dont have heaps to start with. But this past few weeks i have supposedly done something wrong and now one of the people i really needed support from wont even speak to me. Although a positive is its brought an old friend and i closer again.

  9. #9

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    I've been separated about 2 months and I understand how lonely it can be sometimes. It's not easy being at home by yourself, not having someone to talk to, or snuggle up with.

    The first month was probably the worst. I racked up phone bills like you wouldn't believe talking to a lovely BB lady, and I spent many nights feeling completely lost.

    Then I decided that I was not going to sit there like that forever. I started putting myself out there. I'd invite people I met to dinner, throw a barbeque and invite my (adult) kids and their friends. I got online and reconnected with friends I hadn't spoken to in years. I called people just for a chat, and while these 'approchaes' weren't always reciprocated, I now am starting to develop friendships with some nice people, people I never thought I'd be friends with.

    You need a bit of a thick skin to start with. Talk to people you normally wouldn't talk to. Give of yourself. And once people know you're open to being friends, you'll start to meet people who help out with the loneliness.

    I still have lonely days, but recently am finding that my life is filling up with things to do. I'm still a long ways away, but I'm getting there. You will too.

  10. #10

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    How's things MS?

  11. #11

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    Hope your evenings are getting easier as time goes by x

    I have read through all of the replies and they are so helpful for too, I feel like sometimes I keep DH around just to keep the lonliness at bay IYKWIM, so thanks, shall re read this thread on future lonely nights

  12. #12

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    Hi all

    Things are a bit easier. Still get really lonely in the evenings. NOT looking forward to my phone and internet bill. The kids are really hard right now. The older two are really starting to notice that daddy isnt here. We have talked to them about everything, but not sure how much they understand.

    DS is still cosleeping...... I sleep so much better with him curled up next to me.

    Although last night i made the stupid mistake of watching Greys anatomy before bed. Everytime i fell asleep i would "hear" someone in the house.

  13. #13

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    Glad to hear that things are getting easier hunx

    DS and I share a bed too, much snugglier less lonely.

    I find that the perfect way to feel less lonely is to watch a fave DVD as I fall asleep, or right up til i can hardly keep my eyes open, then i jump into bed and nod off.

  14. #14

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    awww Hugs hunni~ You know I am here if you need me - Sorry if i haven't paid that much attention - I'm a screwloose these days :-P
    The lonely nights - talk to me on msn - I can't sleep LOL - So am on until 12 :-)
    No watchin scary movies before bed :P

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