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Thread: Its over... What to tell the kids?

  1. #1

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    Default Its over... What to tell the kids?

    My marriage is over, DH is refusing to go to coucellor and isn't interested in trying to make it work. He is still living here for now until we come up with a plan. I can't believe i have stayed with him for so long and now HE isn't happy, i guess it's better than in 20 years time.

    I am angry, sad, nervous, worried and scared, i am not sure when to tell my girls or what to tell them i have a little one and she isn't going to know what it is like to live with her daddy. Its all normal worries and feelings i suppose.



    It sux that they can just move on with things and we have all the hard work of raising kids alone. Anyone else worried about being alone forever? I feel like such a failure. What am i going to do?

    I just want him to go, how can he just fall asleep within 5 minutes of saying we will tell the kids in the next few days.

    I knew it was coming but its still a shock and makes me feel sick.

    Thanks for reading and i hope it makes sense...
    Trina

  2. #2

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    Hi sweetie,

    Firstly big big big ... I am sorry to hear that you are having a really hard time, but you sound like a very strong woman... I can' t offer you any advice ,sorry , do you have family close by or a bestie that can be your rock - as well as BB of course. You are great mum and I am sure that your girls know that.

    Be kind to yourself
    xx

  3. #3

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    Big hugs to you hun. This is a very difficult thing to go through, but you seem to be doing a great job of coping so far.

    It is very important that you are able to tell the girls in a way which will reduce their anxiety as much as possible, and also make it clear that this is in no way their fault. It is best done together, and you should both agree on what will, and won't be said. It is best to be honest, but without telling them anything they don't need to know - as in don't expect them to understand things beyond their years and don't blame each other etc. Give them lots of reassurance that they are all still loved and will still see plenty of both parents etc, and that you will try and keep things as much the same as possible.

    Best of luck hun and please take care.

  4. #4

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    Thankyou both xo

  5. #5

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    Oh Trina. I'm so sorry.
    I wish I could give you all the answers, but you already know whats been going through my head.
    You can do it. I promise.

  6. #6

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    Thanks Skye, i know it is the best thing for me and the girls but when it gets there its scary. I am kind of looking forward to being in charge of my life again so maybe i focus on that and plan a holiday with my beautiful girls.

  7. #7

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    I'm sorry to read about what has happened. I don't have any advice on how to tell your girls sorry, I left my ex when DS was only a few months old. But I can understand your fears. At least I guess from the sounds of it things haven't gotten so bad before you both split were the kids would have known what was going on while you were both trying to stay together and pretend to be happy.. If you can both hopefully stay positive for the girls despite what has happened then things might not be so bad.

    I worry about being alone forever. I have so far dated someone after breaking up with DS's father, but that only lasted a few months since I didn't feel like I had enough time for him, DS, myself and studying.. And apparently I wasn't "allowed" to move on, where as DS's father is allowed to, at least in his mind. So now I just don't have time to socialise and I am beginning to really worry I will be alone forever, since I am doing all the hard work of raising DS. I don't know what you are going to do, apart from stay strong, which I'm sure you will. It does get hard, but you sound like a wonderful mother and you will get through this. You're nt a failure, these things happen, and unfortunately if someone won't admit anything is "wrong" enough for them to see a counsellor, then they won't.. And then it usually gets to a point where it's too late to fix whatever was wrong to begin with. He is the one who doesn't want to put in the hard work to make things work, he is the one giving up when it sounds like you have tried so hard to keep things together. I'm not meaning to bad mouth him so please don't think that. It just sounds like he's given up and he expects that to be ok.

    No matter how long we have to know something is coming, it usually does still come as a shock when it actually does. Especially something like this.

    And why is it that men always seem to find it so easy to just fall asleep, no matter what has happened? It's like their heads hit the pillow and all thought is gone from their minds so they just pass out.. :P Whereas we're left tossing and turning and stressing about things.

    I'm sorry I probably haven't said much to help, but I hope things get better soon.

  8. #8

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    I'm so so sorry
    I don't think I can say anything that would make you feel better. Just remind yourself that you're a good person and a great mother. Give the kids a huge hug every day you can
    Sending you huge hugs

  9. #9

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    Thanks Melly01 it is a scary thought being alone forever but maybe i need to be alone for a while, i have been with DH since i was 19 and its been a long and tough road, i was ready to leave last year and he begged me to stay, tried to hang himself etc etc and now he isn't happy. Pffft to him.

    So now I have post baby fat, 4 kids big bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and single.... YAY!

    I am going to a counsellor on Thursday for me not for our relationship.

    Thanks Lizjessie xox

  10. #10
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    hunny.

    I have no advice for you hun but just wanted to let you know that you are a great Mummy. I'm sure that the counselling will be fantastic for you and it will be a great outlet for you to vent (as well as here ) Wishing you all the strength and happiness in the world.

  11. #11

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    YOu might be surprised by the kids reaction. He has been a total arse to you, they may feel relieved.

    I told my kids we wouldnt live together anymore because we fight all the time, it's true. They are so much better off without the tension.


  12. #12

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    Hun Im sorry that your marriage has ended...

    But if you anything like me, once he gets out you will feel like a massive weight has been lifted of your shoulders.
    I have been on my own for 3mths and its great... Dont get me wrong i have my moments where i feel like i will cave in and tell exH to come back .... but the reason behind this is because i am lonely for company. I just tell myself i want company yes.. but HIS company then NO.

    As Lulu said you children have probably picked up on alot you havent even thought they have.. and they would know how unhappy you are.
    Just as long as they know both mummy and daddy love them and its not their fault.

    Please what ever you do dont use the children to hurt you ex.

    My best advice would be seeing as your children (well some) are old nough to help out, give them responsiblilites you will def need the help... This is my biggest problem now.. is having to do everything myself.

    Not that he did much when he was here but he still did some. Its the things like popping to the shop to get milk which are my struggle cause i have to load everyone up into a car and its a huge drama.

    But you need him out.. with him at home you are def more likley to cave into him.. he is not your responsibility anymore.. give him the basics and send him on his way.. he is not entitled to anything you need for the children and no judge would let him take it either

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