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Thread: Mother to 3 young ones - seperating with husband how to cope?

  1. #1
    Mumto3 Guest

    Default Mother to 3 young ones - seperating with husband how to cope?

    After 8 years of marriage, 3 children (5, 2 and 6 months) I can take my husband's behaviour no longer. I thought I could change him, me, us, our sistuation, our life.. but I can change nothing as he needs to change himself.

    He is a pathalogical liar, prescription drug user (which is getter better) and has a long history of deception, depression, childhood abuse problems (so cannot sleep in the same bed as me) on and on.. the list is truely endless.. every few months there is another drama. I've sacrificed so much to be with him and keep our family together. we've tried councilling each and with each other many times but it doesn't work as the problem is with him which he fully admits.

    3 months ago he took a load of prescription drugs and slept all afternoon instead of helpng me with the kids.. he agreed, again, to change his ways. but now, 3 months later and after much investigation by me (I knew he was hidding something re money) he finally told me (after much confrontation and telling me I was paranoid) that he get a personal loan out behind my back for 5,000. we are on one income and were struggling to get enough money together for day to day things so this was a shock.. but knowing his history of selfishness it wasn't a suprise. what upset me was he lied to me for 12 months about it. I told him I didn't believe it was 5,000 and he said it was.. the next day I demanded to see the paperwork and he showed me.. it was 6,000 over 4 years.. he tried to say that I misunderstood (he tries to confuse me).



    I've had enough. I can't trust him, I still care about him.. not sure I love him but I care what happens to him but I cannot do this any more with him. He has too many problems. The drug problem he was supposed to be sorting out and I think he may be (but with all the lying I'll never be sure) but now, not content with emtionally wrecking my life for the last 8 years he is now determined to wreck 'us' financially through his selfishness (we had serious problems with his inability to hold down a job or work at his own business properly that made us declare bancrupcy in another country and move back to oz for what was 'supposed to be a fresh start'). He even had the cheek to say he loved me.. he doesn't want to seperate but I can think of no other way.

    I've asked him to move out. Our 5 year old is having kidney surgery in 2 weeks (just one more stress to add to this situation) and he's asked to wait till after that so I have agreed. He sleeps on the sofa anyway (has for the past 2 or 3 years.. not sure why it started but he likes it that way and I've tried many times to get him up to bed but he never stays for the night so have slept alone for many years now so he won't be missed).

    My kids are 5 years, 2 years and 6 months old.

    He adores his children and I don't want to disrupt their lives and am happy for him to see them as often as he likes but not every day sadly as he wouldn't have 'left' if he did that would he?

    He said he wants a trial seperation for 6 months and us to go to councilling, he's also getting councilling himself but he's promised to change on at least 10 occassions in the past and nothing has changed - I doubt he can.

    The thought of him leaving is like a millstone being lifted from around my neck.. will I be free from him ever? we'll have to work out the visitation with the kids but I won't let him take them to a flat etc.. where he might be living as they are too young. I've told him he can take them to the park, shopping center or use my house. I hope it's not nasty?

    I know.. in my heart.. that once he's gone I won't ever let him back into my life again. I don't want to get divorced! omg I soooooo dont' want to!! marriage was for ever! why is this happening to me? I'm on a rollercoaster of emotion right now.. I know it's over but it's hard to push him out and keep him out as he doesn't want to go nor stay out of my life. he said he's sorry for the way he's treated me (heard that before), he loves me (heard that before) he will change (heard that before)... why can't I let go and accept that it's over? why can't he?

    everytime I get a wobbly moment I just think of that money he borrowed behind my back and all the lies he told about it.. the money he directly took from his own children's mouths.. and I get angry and realise he has to go! how do I keep on track and not back down again?

    advice please anybody?

  2. #2

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    hun. SOunds like a difficult situation.
    I personally would still be arranging access visits legally, this way should something happen (eg. drug use) you've got something to fall back on.

    Other than that I don't have any real advice for you. Just loads of and support.
    Remember you are a stong woman and can do this,you are a great mum and your kids will always love you. xx

  3. #3

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    Hi Mumto3,
    Have you thought about going to a family support group? I've heard that Al-anon is really good. It is for families and friends of alcoholics or drug users. As his behaviour (the lying, deception, manipulation etc) has caused such trauma, it could help to chat to other families as I think it is par for the course with some addicts.

    Just an idea. YOu are doing so well to stay strong and still be thinking of your children in all of this.

    EDIT: Just re-read my post, and wondered if it could be miscontrued as 'you should stay with him because he's got a problem and can't help it...' - not what I meant! Just meant that a support group can help you deal with some of the stuff you've been thru, as you move on with the next stage of your life.
    Last edited by rosie77; January 8th, 2010 at 05:07 PM. Reason: clarification

  4. #4

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    Good luck hun, it is difficult bringing up three children on your own but it's a lot simpler and hassle free then your life sounds at the moment. You said you care about what happens and want to help him - well by making this decision to seperate you probably ARE helping him. You're taking a stand and not enabling his behaviour anymore.

    Maybe this will wake him up and see things in a different light? Maybe it won't but you need to think about you and your kids.

    Do you have friends/family around that can help you?

    Good luck hun

  5. #5

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    I'd go and get some legal advice. And counselling. Even if it's just for yourself, it will really help you heal and move forward.

    Well done on making the decision - it's actually coming to the decision that is the hardest step.

    Thinking of you. Keep in touch.

  6. #6

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    OH my dear makes me so sad reading that. BUT wow you are a strong lady!
    And definilty sounds like you are doing what is best for your childrens safety and health and just well being.

    I would see Centrelink for payments etc. as you will get monies there to help,
    They do have housing as well if you are needing that,
    and they do have legal aid as well.
    GIve them a call and they also do some councilling or advise i believe.

    Good luck hun. enough is enough it seems for you and you can move on and be happy!

  7. #7

    Red face Be true!

    Wow....I want to say powerful enlightening things but they all seem so cliche!
    My heart goes out to you and I truly believe that although all seems lost day by day with their ups and downs things to get clearer! I am finding that now! Its only been 6 weeks and I cry like bloody hell thinking what have I done and knowing that I am so far from perfect ......However you have the right to feel your feelings and the right to do as you see fit. You are acknowleging your feelings and fears and that counts for so much! Its ok to love someone and not be with them! I
    You have options I found once you reach out doors open...LOL another cliche!
    Its true and you are true!
    Much love to you and your cherubs!

  8. #8

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    Wow you must be strong to have been dealing with all that plus 3 young ones without having a nervous breakdown. That inner strength is one thing that will help you through this.

    I agree with the suggestions for counselling - they'll help you sort out your thoughts and make a plan for what you need to do.

    It's so hard to make the final step when you('ve) love(d) someone. You also care about their welfare so it's hard to say 'no, that's enough, it's time for me to put myself (and my children) FIRST'.

    I'll try to look at the questions you've asked:

    "will I be free from him ever?" - you'll always have a connection to him through your children, and so in many ways his problems will continue to affect you because they will affect your children, but they will do so in a much smaller and more distant way. For one thing he won't be part of your daily life (assuming that you'll be the primary carer, given his issues), so you won't be dealing with his problems on a day to day basis, and nor will your children. You'll be 'free' to make your own decisions, manage your own money, put yourself and the kids first, and move on from the pain, hurt and disappointment his behaviour has caused. His problems won't automatically be yours anymore.

    "he said he's sorry for the way he's treated me (heard that before), he loves me (heard that before) he will change (heard that before)... why can't I let go and accept that it's over? why can't he?" - There's lots of reasons it's hard to make the final break, and these are why many people continue to live in unsatisfying relationships (which is just as valid a choice, as long as it's not unhealthy for the children). I would say that he can't let go and accept that it's over because deep down he doesn't want to lose his wife and children, even though he hasn't done the work he should have done to keep them. And I'd say for you, the reason why it's hard to let go and accept that it's over is because when you have children it's really damn hard to say 'this isn't working' and to make the brave decision to go it alone. You don't know what it will be like on your own, you've probably got fears and anxieties about the unknown, you don't want your children to have divorced parents. There's also the fact that you still care for him, and the fact that he's got problems and had a difficult life. It's hard to say 'I give up, I've done all I can'. This is where the counselling could help you sort through things and really feel ok with your decision.

    "how do I keep on track and not back down again?" - I think the first step in this is really being sure of your decision, probably through counselling. Relationships Australia charge according to income so you might be able to get in quite cheap there. Or you could go to your MCHN for a referral to a community counsellor which should be free. Another way is through writing. Write down the reasons to stay and the reasons to leave. All of them. Even the tiny little silly reasons. Go through future scenarios, your self, your kids, every part of life that is/will be impacted by your decision. Look at ways you can solve any issues on your pro/con list, the support you'll have either way, housing, finances, transport, childcare, etc etc. If you're still unsure, talk it over with a trusted friend. That process should bring you to a point where you realise that one way or the other, your decision is the right one. Having thought through it so deeply you'll be more resolved in your decision. Also, what is it that makes you feel like backing down? Look at them all individually. If it's promises from DH that he will get better? "Ok then you need to prove it and I'm going to move out while you do" (or whatever it is that is satisfactory to you). Is it concern about managing financially? Give centrelink a call, find out what you're entitled to, and write a budget. And so on. Work through all the issues that make you feel like backing down. I think these processes will help.

    Goodluck. Whatever happens, you'll be ok.

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