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Thread: Need Advice - It's Over

  1. #1

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    Default Need Advice - It's Over

    Ok, so DH and I are separating. I'll give details in another thread when I have time to sit and tell all (something I have not done before). So I need help, what do I need to do, where do I start. I'm worried he is going to get nasty... especially with regards to finances - I have been the major contributor to our relationship until Maternity Leave in July 09.



    I guess I just don't want to get caught out. I'm new to all this and haven't been able to do research and I thought who best to ask than BB.

    It was made final yesterday that this is what is happening. Our location and circumstances of living here make things harder. But any advice is welcome.

    I'm sad for DD, I'm scared for my future - the unknown and being alone forever now that I have DD but I don't care what happens to me so long as I am the best mum for her. I have booked in to see a counsellor tomorrow, I think I need it as there has been a very long history in this relationship and I know i need to get some self worth and respect back and be at my best emotionally and mentally so I can be best mum. Although I'm scared, angry etc I can't help but feel a weight off my shoulders cos I'm finally getting off this horrible merry go round.

    So throw any advice at me, big or small!

    Thanks in advance.

  2. #2

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    I'm so sorry to hear this.
    Firstly, contact Centrelink and let them know you've separated and get things organised there. If you aren't already, apply for PPS (Parenting Payment Single) and change your FTB details.
    You may want to open your own bank account in your name only so all your money is only going to you from now on.
    Contact either Relationships Australia or Legal Aid with regards to Parenting Orders.

    Good luck hun.

  3. #3

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    I am so sorry Ellee It is always hard and challenging when separation comes. Mostly the unknown future and missing the familiarity - even when the familiarity was unpleasant - it was familiar...

    It's important that you call centrelink & they will help you with that side of things (including CS)

    It's very important that you see a Solicitor that is a family law expert. This will help you to protect yourself now and in the future.

    The counsellor is very important for your emotional health - it's impossible to stay on track throught this I think without expert guidance.

    Sending you my love and support.

  4. #4

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    so sorry to hear it

    Make copies of all important documents, bank statements, superannuation statements (yours and his), mortgage or lease agreement, insurances, wills, all debts and payments etc

    Open your own bank account if you don't have one. Talk to a family lawyer. Counselling is a great idea.

    If you think he's going to get nasty, plan for it - it may be he makes nasty statements, puts you down, denigrates your financial contribution/role as wife or mother. Be prepared for him to try manipulating you. Counselling and support will help. Don't buy into his reality. If it's over, then that's it. Don't enter into a discussion about personal issues at all - treat it like a business negotiation. It's hard to turn off all the years of caring for someone, but if that's what you have to do to protect yourself, then do so.

    Things are scary now and may get harder, but you will get through it stronger and ultimately be better off.

  5. #5

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    Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this Ellee . I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to pop in to give you a cyber hug. You are a great mum and things will work out, it's just very overwhelming right now I'm sure.

    I hope you have lots of help and support from your family and friends.

    Thinking of you .

  6. #6
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    Hugs hun I hoped our chat other night helped a bit. I am always here to chat with.

    Others have given great advice.

    xoxo

  7. #7

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    Thanks for all your advice and feedback. I have to be careful what I let known to DH. He is meeting with boss today to start the ball rolling about getting accom for him... This takes bout 3 month apparently. We are in a town where we rent of company owned houses and only certain jobs get houses. This house is with my job. So could be a long 3 months. He has told me to pack a bag and go to my parents in Queensland but I'm not a fan of the idea of leaving him in the house. I'll be back in later. Thanks again xx

  8. #8

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    That house is with YOUR job. He can go.

    Plan for the worst, try not to bend over backwards in order to avoid further conflict. There is ALWAYS crap in a breakup, so rather than try to minimize it - face it head on.

    Easy to type, hard to do but always worth it

  9. #9

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    hell no! If the house is a part of your job, then HE goes, not you! Make sure you stand your ground early on so he doesn't walk all over you.

  10. #10

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    Yeah I have told him I'm not going. Even if I do end up doing a trip I won't be going over there for 3 months. I have been looking for jobs though so that I can get someone to move me back. My options have been severly limited now I have DD (but oh worth it soo much that I can't even explain!!). I will get there. I'm living by the quote "nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it" I think it is by Harvey Mackay or something.

    Thanks girls.

  11. #11

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    darl, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

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    No advice Ellee hun Just wanted to say how sorry I am.

  13. #13

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    I'm sorry
    Theres no way you should move out.
    Wouldnt your work take it away anyway - they're not likley to let him stay in it on hiw own when its not with his job?

  14. #14

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    I agree with Lulu there is always going to be crap just manage the crap as it flies your way!

    It's really important to photocopy all important documentation.

    The house is your as you know - he needs to find accomodation & it won't wait 3 months... I think that becomes his concern now...

    Please see a Solicitor immediately - that is the most important thing to do - they will tell you all you need to know & how to action it. Even if you do this via phone as I suspect that you might be isolated whee you are? You can usually arrange phone interviews.

    Big cuddles...

  15. #15

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    I could say im sorry, but rom the sounds of it, congratulations and well done is probably more suited, by the sounds of it you are doing what is best for you and your DD and you deserve to feel very strong and proud for doing so. I am happy to here that a weigt has been lifted off your shoulders xxx

    Call Centrelink now and tell them you have seperated from DD's father and you want to claim parenting payment single. They will do a telephone interview with you for about 20 mins, just getting your basic details plus the address and ohone number of a friend who knows that you are seperated, so they can verify it. Once the telephone interview is up, they will send you out a few forms to fill out. You fill in the forms and take them to your nearest Centrelink office along with a current bank statement and a copy of your lease (for Rent Assistance)

    Then you call Child Support and start an account with them, they will need all your details and date of seperation. They will want to know your percentage of care for DD, tell them how many nights a week you will have her and how many (if any) her dad will have her. They will then call your X and verify all the details with him. Then they will send you and your X a letter telling you how much child support should be paid. You decide whether you will make a private arrangement between you and X to collect child support, or you can get them to collect the child suppot and forward it to you.

    I am going through all this stuf atm, so am just giving you an idea of what you will be asked and have to think about with regards to centrelink and child support , ope i have been helpful.

    Also i agree with Lulu, dont pussy foot around your X at all to try and keep the peace, it always ends up getting nasty eventually so you might as well stand up for yourself from the start. I pussy footed around DH for so long and gave gave gave, all for nothing, he still turned into a pr!ck, in hindsight I should have just looked out for myself and not given two hoots about him.

    GL hun, remember to always come and vent in here, the girls in here are magic at supporting your decisions and helping you to feel back in control of your life and great aout being a single mummy x

  16. #16

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    Thanks so much for all your replies, you have no idea how much it means to me at the moment, so this is where we are at now.

    XH (wow first time) saw his superintendent this afternoon and there is a 8 wk cooling off period before they can look at getting him a house. XH thinks that it will be all ok for him to stay here and doesn't see the issue. I have told him and cried that he must leave and stay with a friend. It is not healthy to be living under the same roof in a small remote town for that long. He said he will sort it out tomorrow.

    I have started looking for a solicitor on the net but will have to start calling tomorrow. Anything I should be wary of? Questions I should ask them?

    I will call centrelink and find out where I go from here and if I am entitled to anything.

    I've been pretty upset this afternoon. I don't want to stay here in the same small town as him. I can't bare the thought of having to leave DD with him at any point for custody arrangements. Have been looking for jobs but there isn't much going for me at the moment. I can't believe I didn't apply for jobs in NSW less than 2wks ago because we made the decision that I wouldn't be going to work for another year yet. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

    I have been thinking that I need to pay out and sell or handback the lease car (in my name) - what a waste of last 2 years!! grrr and then just get myself another smaller cheaper car. But then not sure if I should get another car because what if I can escape and head back east?

    Financially and work wise it is best for me to stay here but emotionally and mentally I don't think it is. Although it is only early days so perhaps once XH has got his house I will go East for a bit to stay with my parents.

    I'm really concerned that my milk supply will go thru stress. So I'm feeding frequently. Any ideas with regards to this?

    I'm devestated about the lies he is/will tell people. But at the same time I think who cares what it takes for him to be gone, then I get upset that he wil never be gone, he will always be around

    I'm cranky because he is going to see the counsellor too. Well I'm glad because he should, but cranky that he wouldn't ever (in the past) give counselling a go to help our relationship, now he is only doing it for himself since the superintendent suggested it.

    I am so scared of the future. Wondering how I will be financially secure enough to provide for DD. I have been very financially secure in the past but I mean at the same time as giving DD her me time and love and care that she needs and deserves.

    Anyway I'm off to my friends for dinner. She will be my saviour in this town through all of this.

    Thanks again for everything xx

  17. #17

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    I've just had a thought that I will share with you but please dom't take it as gospel... Okay?

    Once you separate in order to move your x will have to agree. You cannot by law take the children away (or child in your case) without a relocation order or a parenting plan that has been lodged with the Court that is in agreeance with this.

    I am wondering if perhaps it is better for you to go now - with his consent. But get some advice immediately and whatever you do do not act on what I am saying. Just it was a thought that if he's going to get nasty but he's happy for you to go now. So it's just a thought.

    Trust me being stuck in a small country town with your ex husband while he swans around with Goodness knows who is no easy path... So, if it's moving away that you believe you ultimately would like to do. My guess would be to do it now.

    But get a Lawyer. Yesterday! Okay??>> Please please this is incredibly important...

    I would only go with a large firm. Definitely ensure that they are accredited family law specialists... Word of mouth is always good. What part of Qld do your parents live? I might be able to help you. If you dom't want to put that out there and you are happy to PM me with your location I can see if I can get some recommendations...

  18. #18

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    Get some telephone advice from Shann Family Lawyers in Subiaco.

    GOod luck.

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