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Thread: pregnant with 3rd baby & marriage falling apart

  1. #1

    Default pregnant with 3rd baby & marriage falling apart

    I don't know what to do anymore, I am 17 weeks pregnant with our third child & the pressure of my marriage is killing me. My husband is never here for me & the kids, he sits up all night wether on the computer, watching TV or visiting friends. He sleeps all day & claims he can't sleep at night but when I got him sleeping pills he took them once even though they worked he still wont take them. No matter how much I need him he will not get up but if a friend calls no matter how little sleep he has had he rushes to help them. I might be able to get him to cook dinner or bath the kids but we wait most of the night for him. It will take him days to do the dishes & if i try to remind him so he doesn't forget he tells me if I keep whinging at him I can do them myself. He doesn't work & doesn't look for work & yet I still do everything around the house. I spend most of the day on my own while he sleeps, I get ignored once he gets up while he is on the computer, watching TV or rushing off to help a friend, then I go to bed by myself because he has to go see his friends & when I ask him to come straight back so we can spend time together I end up falling asleep & waking up at like 4am & he is still not home. I can't take anymore of this & it has been going on for years but I don't think I can raise 3 kids on my own. Has anyone gone through anything like this because I could really use some advise.


  2. #2

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    I have not been through this kind of situation before but I wanted to give you a and have to say it sounds like you are raising your kids on your own anyway!!!!

    Seeing as your partner isn't working financially you might possibly be better off on your own and in every other way it sound like you will have the same workload and without the stress of your dh.

    It sounds as though you dh really needs a kick up the bum and get his act together. It seems like he is shirking all responsibilty to you and his children.

    I think it would be good if you went through and did some marrieage counselling and see if you can come to a new place in your marriage where thingsd begin to change. You dh needs to get a job from the sounds of it and grow up and be a decent husband, provider and father. I think you should talk to him tell him how you are feeling and ask him to come to counselling. If he refuses it important to realies you can't force anyone into any action or to be the kind of person you want them to be, you can only control yourself. So I would recommend you do some counselling by yourself, whether that is as well as counselling as a couple or instead of.

    Imagine you were single, forget about your partner and then write a list of the fundamental things you want in a partner, then make that your bar and if you partner simply refuses to meet that bar I don't think the right thing to do is just lower that bar, like so many women do. Perhaps at that point in nothing will change it is time to consider seperation.

    Goodluck sorting this out I can only imagine how difficult it must be, but it is doable xo

  3. #3

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    Sounds like to me.. that you would be better off on your own and happier.

    You are doing just that right now what difference will it make?

    You are a fab mum and your children need you and need to see a loving caring parent/parents,

    Him not helping etc... will impact on your kids.. not seeing dad help you or bath them or feed them

    I wish you all the best, but i think you know what is best emotionally for you and your children.

  4. #4

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    Sending you loads of
    Sounds like he needs a reality check.
    Maybe some relationship counselling might help???
    xx

  5. #5

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    i have 3 babes and am currently going through a divorce. my ex was the same as you are describing, it started happening when i was preg with our 2nd but i stuck it out and discussed as much as i could with him he appeared to turn himself around and be there for me and the kids found out i was preg with 3rd babe when my son was just 5mths old during this pregnancy he started to slip back into his old ways when our daughter was born there were alot of complications and we almost lost her this out alot of stress on all of us especially me tho as i was having to look after my 2 older kids and be strong but also be at the hospital as much as i could for my baby. he didnt seem to care at all he just kept going out with friends and doing all those "guy" things. when my baby was about 6mths i decided enough was enough and i left him i couldnt take it anymore i was unhappy living in that house with him but basically being a single mum so i packed up the kids and left and took on my life as a happy single mum. my life actually got easier without having to chase after him, and because i was in a happier and clamer place my kids were the same. the kids see their dad on school hols when it suits him as he is in another state. but i dont have to deal with his crap anymore (except trying to get him tosign divorce papers) i have since met someone who is fantastic and has stepped up and accepted my kids he treats us with the respect we deserve there are good guys out there just takes afew bad ones to get a good one. i hope your man sees what he is doing and steps up to the plate but just think about what is going to make you and your kids happy. remember a leopard nevers changes it spots xx

  6. #6

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    Thanks everyone for all the support & advise. I dont think couseling will help as he is very stubborn I think I will just very calmly state my case to him & let him know that enough is enough & that if he can't make changes for this family like I have had to then there is no point in him being here & making my life more stressful than it needs to be. Thanks again everyone.

  7. #7

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    I think knowing what men are like you're right and it would be difficult ot drag him to relatioship counselling but I think being a mum and especially when you're feeling like a single mum with 2.5 kids plus the big one to look after maybe it might just help for you to have someone to talk things through with, to feel like you have some form of back up there and that you're not alone in this.
    It's really hard to be a mum in this sort of situation I think because we really do have the world on our shoulders and so much to worry about and its really hard when you dont have your partner up there with you supporting you and helping you through it all.

  8. #8

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    Firstly, you can raise 3 kids on your own. I have just recently separated from my husband, we have 3 children aged 4, 3 and 7 months. I was scared too, but by the sounds of it you are doing most of it yourself now anyway. You will find that its actually easier on your own.

    My husband refused to go to counselling as he didnt believe he had a problem, it was all my problem.

    Finally I decided enough was enough and I told him to leave, surprisingly he did so I didnt have to pack the kids up which made it a little easier.

    I have found (other than him trying to upset me and make things difficult now and again) that life is soooooo much easier being apart from him, I feel happier, calmer, the kids are better behaved (most of the time), routine is easier, the house is tidier, I have MORE money, and just feel like a weight is lifted.

    Maybe I should be encouraging you to try and work it out or try and think of ideas to make him realise what he might lose but to be honest Ive been through it all and nothing worked for me. I spent 10 years of my life with my husband and most of it was horrible. I dont regret it because I have 3 amazing children but geez it has been hard. I am finally at a point in my life where I have wonderful supportive friends, a comfortable family home (which hopefully I can keep) my three beautiful children, I feel happy about my life, where I am and where I am heading and the only thing dragging me down was him. We separated about 6 weeks ago now and they have been the best 6 weeks ever.

    Sorry I dont have the answer to his problems but if you cant work them out just know there are lots of women who have raised 3 or more children on their own, you can do it, its not always going to be easy but you deserve to be happy.

  9. #9

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    I have no helpful advice really... I am very anti men at the moment and have recently become single with baby number 4 on the way

    However I will say that it is better to come from a broken home, then to live in one.


  10. #10

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    You are doing a pretty amazing job on your own at the moment. I am so sorry that you are having to do it all by yourself it must be very difficult at times.

    Your DH is having problems sleeping at night because he is sleeping all day, he needs a wake up call! That is udnerstandable if he did night shift, but with not working at all, I would be making some pretty loud noises in the morning so that he can't sleep durng the day.

    If you don't think he will go for counselling then perhaps have a chat and give him an ultimatum, he needs to reconsider his prioroties and if the priorities are everything else before his family, which is what it is at the moment, then give him the opportunity to change, but if he "can't be bothered", then I would definitely reconsider the relationship.

    You would be able to do it by yourself, if would probably reduced the stress for you a bit as you are not "seeing him" do very little all the time, you can focus on you and your children.

    Put you and your children first, do you have people who can support you, help you out if you need it? Take care and I hope that you can work out the best solution for youa nd your children xxoo

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