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Thread: Ready to tell my story.

  1. #1

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    Default Ready to tell my story.

    Have finally got my thoughts together enough to write this down.

    Just over a year ago I let my husband know that I was not happy and that I felt we needed to work on our relationship. It appeared that he was listening at the time and agreed to take me and DD out more and take care of her occasionally to give me a chance to get out and have some adult contact without having to worry about b'feeding for a few hours.
    However nothing eventuated from it. He would spend more time at work then they would pay him for, go on regular outings (dinner and pubs) with collegues and expect money from our already tight budget to do these things. At one stage I knew i wouldn't have enough money to buy nappies when DD needed them so I sold eroyic literature just to buy essentials until I could go back to my old job and find childcare. I started to save a little money, hoping to be able to go out for dinner with DH and put on a birthday party for DD and buy some new work clothes for myself.

    Most of this money went to him to spend whilst in Thailand on a work reward/business trip. So I figured I couldn't rely on him to support us fully so started working full time as well as working a second job so we could live (history note: DH had always said he never wanted to have to live off rice as he needed too when growing up) comfortably.

    In the mean time I was struggling to get to church by myself with DD each week and getting very discouraged with it all.

    A new work collegue picked up on the fact I was unhappy, even though I tried not to show it at work, and befriended me and got me talking. He took me and DD out for tea one night so I wouldn't have to cook (he invited DH too), talked to me on the phone when I was struggling to wean DD and get her to sleep in own room. He appreciated that the work I did was worthwhile and made me feel human again.

    All this made me realise that DH was not pulling his weight as a husband so I tried to talk to him about what I needed. He said that he hadn't noticed anything was wrong and that if 'that guy' made me so hapy maybe I should be with him instead. Of course this is not what I wanted. Through this process my collegue was the only person I knew well enough to talk to about what was happening and when DH said he was going to leave me, he offered to marry me so I wouldnt have to be a single mum (he had bought up his son on his own so knew how hard it can be). Eventually DH decided he wasn't prepared to lose me and as result I got pregnant with DD2.

    I thought we had made progress, I cut all ties with my collegue, moved offices and everything to avoid DH becoming jealous or whatever and set to work being the best wife I could.

    However Not long after DD2 was born I noticed DH crying one night and asked him why. In the end it amounted down to that DD2 reminded him of a time when we were not happy and he hated looking at her. I explained I could see where he was coming from but that I chose to see her as a symbol of our love for each other.

    I guess that he needed an excuse to be unhappy because he then said he couldn't trust me he never knew if i was having an affair and classified my relationship with collegue as an affair.

    He tried to get me to leave but I didn't, hoping he would have a real good think and change his mind... also I would rather my girls be in the home they are familiar with for as long as possible.

    I suggested counsellimg, he said he would think about it and went and took a shower.

    When he got out of the shower he said he would try for one month if I got counselling as he had been getting counselling and it was the only reason he was still around.

    The next morning he got up and packed his bags and left.

    A few days later he came back and said he wanted to work things out.

    Then he left, saying his counsellor had said he had came back too early.

    A few days later he called me to let me know he was thinking of coming home the next day as he had depression and the only way to work through it was to be home with us.

    So he came back, we sat down and made plans to help him be happy (none of my ideas were taken on board). He started going to the gym, coming and going as he pleased, stopped me from having access to one of his bank accounts (he refused to get a joint account when we were marries) and signed up for one of those network marketing schemes that he had warned me against a few years ago.

    Whenever I would touch him, even try to hold his hand he would either walk away, ignore it or say he wasn't in the mood. One time he told me off saying I shouldn't touch him because it was the first time I had all night (not true but even so, excuse me if i had to cook tea, take care of two girls and b'feed).



    So the other night I asked him what I could do. I said that I was feeling no love coming from him towards me (DTD only happened when he wanted it) and thought that we should try to do more things together away from the house.

    He got up the next morning, packed his bags and left. He said it is permanent, that he can't see that he can ever trust me (still not sure why) again.

    So thats my story...thanks for letting me get it off my chest.

  2. #2

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    Good o, hope you don't see him for awhile
    You were doing a wonderful job of trying to consolidate a relationship. He was doing a wonderful job of taking advantage of that.

    He's too selfish and certainly not ready for a relationship, baby or not. You were being slowly conditioned to accept his terms for a marriage and I'm glad you fought it and I hope (it's early days yet) you feel in your heart that it was wrong of him and terribly unfair. He doesn't want to be there (unless you are a doormat for him), and he is trying to make it all your fault. Pooey to that.

    I hope you don't care that he says he doesn't trust you. You have done nothing wrong, when you feel that - well the TRUTH will set you free.

    Don't let him come back for AT LEAST a month. Then you have time to clearly see the way things are without his manipulation.

    GRRRRRR for you. I hope your heart isn't too sore

  3. #3

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    Thanks Lulu and Tracy for your support.
    Its good to know I have support on here, as I haven't had a chance to make friends since moving to sydney and my family live a long way away.

    Thanks for the encouragement to not let him come back straight away, i'm determined not to. Hard though, would be good to have an extra set of hands to help with grocery shopping etc...

    Don't know how I would go trusting him if he ever did come back. I don't know what he's up to now, if he has someone else and if he came back because that doesn't work out i don't know if I could have him after he's been with someone else and put me through all this iykwim? Would never know if he's being honest and if he is going to come home from work each day.

  4. #4

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    Oh Organicem, you have had so much going on!
    Your husband has behaved in a deplorable manner and you certainly shouldn't have to put up with that. I agree with Lulu, you need some time on your own to sort out your feelings, don't let him back too soon, if at all. Easier said than done with 2 young children, I know, but it sounds like you have been doing things pretty much by yourself anyway.
    I hope telling your story has helped you feel a little better.

  5. #5

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    Organicem - good for you! I hope that you get a resolution that works for you long term. After the birth of both my girls it took time for all the relationships within the family to settle down again. It is hard work with two littlies to look after - let alone another big kid. Make sure you look after yourself and I hope your partner gets some help (it sounds to me like he may have some mental health issues - this is very common for men after the arrival of a new baby too.).

    Take care

  6. #6

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    Default I'm Weak!!

    Ok, so the other day I got back from visiting my mum (for DD1's 2nd birthday) and he calls me to ask if we can talk. "Sure, come over" I say and he pretty much begged to be allowed back home.
    Then the next morning he left saying he needed to think and didn't think that it would work out after all.
    Then he comes back and says he's here to stay and he wants to work on our relationship.
    But... he didn't want to give me back my rings ("Lets wait for a special time").
    He didn't unpack his bags, just used things as he needed them.
    He wouldn't commit to plans for the future.
    He decided that he is joining the police force asap and does not care anymore about being able to buy a house in 18months time.
    He didn't want me to touch him after that first night.

    So...I told him I wasn't happy and maybe we could have a talk about our expectations and what we can do to make each other happy.

    His response "I came back too soon, I am still too hurt to give you the relationship you want and need so I will be leaving again".

    And, he is gone!!

  7. #7

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    Well thats 3 strikes for sure.

    You KNOW you didn't do anything wrong, please, please don't talk to him again unless its to work out when he will be visiting the children or something similar. He doesn't deserve you and I think he plays games.

  8. #8

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    He definately plays games, he is very good at making me feel guilty.

    I really hope that he gets over his 'whatever is going ons' one day so we can be a family. But until i see a huge change I am determined to not let him hurt me anymore.

    Thank you for your support Lulu.

  9. #9

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    Oh dear, you really have been put through the ringer!

    Your DH sounds like an immature brat! Sounds to me like he just wants to be able to come and go as he pleases without any consequence. You need to decide whether you want to work on your relationship or not, if you don't want the marriage to continue don't let him come back again...if you do want to work on it, then he comes back and doesn't leave again (unless it's permanent)...don't let your home become a revolving door for him to use as the mood takes him.
    My DH and I are no stranger to drama, lol, he has threatened to leave many a time...but he hasn't yet...he knows once that door is closed behind him, it doesn't open again! I have told him time after time if he wants to leave that's absolutely fine with me, just make sure you are 100% certain, cos you won't be coming back, LOL. Same goes for me...I have wanted to give up and leave as well, but I know once I leave, that's it, it's over, I won't be coming back!
    Use this time without him around to think about what you really want for and your children. Don't be scared to "go it alone", you CAN do it! Sometimes I think the only reason I am still here, is because I'm too scared to leave.

  10. #10

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    Hi Marlene
    Yes I need to be stronger this time.
    I know I will be ok, I have pretty much looked after the girls by myself for 2 months now (even when he was here he wasn't here IYKWIM).
    Am going to pick back up the plans I made last time he left: to make myself and the girls some friends, go back to work later in the year and save up and move closer to my family (who are wonderful and supportive).
    Have decided definately that if he decides that he wants to be with me he is going to have to go about it the old fashioned way: courting me until I fall in love again.
    At the moment I still love him, I always will. But he has hurt me too much for me to take it anymore.

  11. #11

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    he's hurt?????
    Oh sweetheart if I were in Sydney I'd give you a hand....

  12. #12

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    Well done organicem, you sound like you have a strong head on your shoulders. You have all us here at BB if you ever need a chat.

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