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Thread: Reconciliation

  1. #1

    Default Reconciliation

    I'm so confused.
    Its only been 2 weeks since I moved into my own place with my kids and left my husband. I had been unhappy for some time (years) and he has been in his own world and not listened or tried or acknowledged the sad state of affairs of our relationship.
    In the meantime I have met someone and been seeing this person, although it is never going to go anywhere as he is married and this is an extra marital affair. Please no judgement. We click, I like him. I am not sure if its just because its new and exciting and easy. Its a secret and no one really knows.
    My husband is now asking me what he can to do get me back. I don't know how I feel about him & whether I love him like that. But for my children and for the sake of maybe being a family again I feel I should consider attempting to reconcile. I know its only early days but I just don't know what I want and I am so confused. I miss my warm house. I miss being normal and am sick of feeling like I am in a crisis, which I am. Maybe me moving out has shocked him and he will change and we can work on building a life together. But then I think about this guy I have been seeing and how awesomely we connect, and it confuses me. Can you really have EVERYTHING in a relationship? Is it wrong to consider overlooking chemistry and connection in place of security and being with the father of my children and being a family again?
    How important is chemistry and do you think with ANY relationship it eventually sort of fades?

    I just don't know where my head is at, what I want, or who I am anymore. I love seeing this guy as its an escape from reality, he makes me feel good and forget about my problems and I guess I do the same for him. Even though I know it would never lead to anything and eventually I would be left wanting more, I am not sure I want to give him up.

    I am scared to even post this as I know its fraught with so many wrong things.


  2. #2

    Default

    Sounds like your in a really confusing place. I haven't been in this position so don't really have any great advice but I your thinking of going back purely out of loneliness/security then its probably not the best choice for your happiness. It's early days and your still finding your feet in this new stage. As for your children I tend to believe they benefit most from happy parents, whether that is parents that are together or not is an individual family thing. If you would like to see if you could rekindle your relationship why not take it back to the beginning. Go on dates, have him pick you up and drop you off. Perhaps it was just him being comfortable and the spark got misplaced. At least you would be able to see if that spark was there rather than going straight back to where you were.
    Hope it all works out.

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Murray River Victoria
    Posts
    649

    Default Reconciliation

    No judgement here Darling, take a deep and give your own self time to heal from this and learn about yourself x
    New relationships are easy. The excitement, touch, butterflies. That's why they call it 'Falling in Love', because you are 'Falling', it's easy, no work is needed, it's fun.
    But being in a relationship, in a Marriage, is damn hard work. And sometimes, maybe all the time it seems like work. But learning to love each other for who they are and accepting things aren't always going to by rosy and easy for you both. It's teamwork and friendship that will get you through.
    I'm not saying go back with your husband for your kids, hey, I'd rather come from a broken marriage than live in one, but give yourself the gift of trying absolutely everything in your power to work things out with him, in a friendly nonjudgmental way, so at least if things don't work out for you both, you gave it your best shot, and then can move forward with life xxx

    As I said, no strong opinions on my behalf, but give the married man the arse, he doesn't deserve your energy and time. If being with your husband is that bad, focus on your kids, and healing yourself, not this guy.

    Take care honey, I hope in the future you and your children can be happy xxx

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    6,745

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    No judgement - it sounds like you have been terrribly lonely and this new relationship is just what you need to boost your esteem and confidence. If your ex is trying to get you back then maybe you both need to start from scratch and he needs to woo you and show you that he is serious (and that it's not that he is just lonely and wants you to do stuff around the house etc) - maybe you need him to romance you and get you to fall in love with him again if it is going to work.

  5. #5

    Default

    thank you. you are both so right.
    i feel guilty that i am not using my time wisely to focus on my children and myself, but at the same time i have been so lonely and the distraction of having someone interested in me is exactly that, distracting me from my troubles, which is both good and bad.
    i guess i just need more time.
    and yes if we tried again it would literally need to be from scratch with dates and romance and getting to know each other all over again & also some counselling to work on our communication which is non existent.
    i guess i still feel very unsettled and very much still in limbo and i'm searching for answers just to know what i am doing and what the future holds.

    i am so scared to be on my own. i don't know why.

  6. #6

    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Geelong
    Posts
    3,438

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    If you are considering at all reconciling with your husband you need to cut all ties with the married man. Wishing you the best.

    Regards,
    Dianne

  7. #7

    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Cloud nine :D
    Posts
    6,309

    Default Reconciliation

    First of all take a deep breath. Allow your self the time to deal with everything that is going on.

    For me - I wouldn't go back out of security and comfort - you should try to learn to feel those things by yourself. Nothing's going to change unless you change it (which you have)

    Can I say on the affair - ask yourself what you are getting out of it - is this something that you can get out of another relationship - sometimes the thrill of the chase just isn't worth the heart ache that is coming. Xox

  8. #8

    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Geelong
    Posts
    1,364

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    I had a similar experience when my marriage broke down - we had been together 4 years & only married for 1 when we separated due to variety of reasons like controlling behaviour, no intimacy, no communication, no "life". It took me a long time to leave (I had tried to call off the wedding) & the crunch came when I went out after work one night & kissed my ex boyfriend. I went straight home & told my husband I was leaving. Within two weeks my ex b'friend & I were seeing each other & although I knew it wouldn't last long term I also knew the confidence boost he gave me by making me feel again was what I needed I & never wanted to settle for a loveless marriage. My husband tried to manipulate me into coming back but I knew eventually i would end up leaving again as nothing would change. My daughter has grown up with a happy, confident mum & I have spent many years being single & focusing on me & her.

    Give yourself time, write a pro & con list & work out what you want. At the end of the day I believe you are a better role model for your children if you are confident, secure and above all, happy. No one wants to have parents who are separated but no one wants to grow up in a household that is artificial.

    You have a difficult time ahead but whatever you decide to do, if it is a decision made for the right reasons, then you will be happy. Just have faith in yourself

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