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Thread: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

  1. #19

    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    I'm not very active on BB anymore so I don't know any of your history, but I am going through the same thing. XP and I separated in June last year, and we still live together. He is sort of in denial about the separation, and does all the same stuff. Grabs me all the time, looks over my shoulder while I'm texting, refuses to move out. (I can't because I have the two kids and no job so how the heck would I get a rental??)
    I delayed telling Centrelink about our separation for three months, but once I finally did, and contacted CHild Support at the same time, it really helped define the separation for me, and slightly more for him. Do it as soon as you can, it really helps, plus you get all these financial benefits.

    Also try to be empathetic, he's losing everything and knows it. He doesn't want the separation, but you do, and he doesn't know what to do. He wants to fix everything and get everything back to how it was and only you can make it clear that it's over for good and that there's nothing he can do anymore.

    My XP has his own room, which really helps, and we both let each other go out without interrogation. Sometimes he does ask me and make a bit of a fuss about where I'm going, but I just give vague responses, even if it's just my mum's house or something. It's all about creating boundaries.

    Anyway, be strong and keep reminding yourself about why you've left him. It can get really confusing when you still live together, and the minute you get confused, it throws him a bone and will prevent him moving on and just tortures him really.


  2. #20

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    You need to get legal advice & get away. He has no right to do any of this.

    I'm still legally married to ex. He lives with & has a baby with someone else. Its not cheating to me, because the relationship is well & truly over. But he was the same. He thought of marriage as ownership. I'm pretty sure he still thinks he owns me to a point

    This is the reason I'm in WA to start with. I left ex numerous times, but he wouldn't leave. He'd come back to my house & just not go anywhere. I was used & abused & had no way out of it.

    You need to make it very clear now that its over if that's what you want. No blurred lines. Its over or its not. If its not clear to him that its over, it is unfair to be seeing someone else. You need to make it very clear, tell him you'll do as you like & that he now has NO right to question, or dictate anything you do. Same house or not, there needs to be boundaries. And he needs to accept them. Or you stay with someone else until you sort it all out. Including centrelink etc. You should be able to get a bond loan through the department of housing. They will loan you the full 4 weeks bond here in WA, plus the 2 weeks rent in advance & you pay them back at about $25 a fortnight.

    When I came here it took 6 months for ex to stop trying to control me, & that was from the other side of the country! For 2 or 3 months of that he was seeing the girl he's with now! It took 2-3 months of that for ME to let go of HIS hold over me. That really wasn'e easy.

  3. #21

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Just a quick one - I'm at work.

    Just got to work after he dropped me off (I told him he just needed to take me to the train station so I could work)
    2 things that ****ed me off on the drive.

    1) I'm staying with a friend tonight after work. He wants to know where I am and why I'm staying there and 20 million other questions to which I ended up saying 'I don't need to report to you! We aren't together so I don't need to tell you squat (a different word was used there)

    2) as I was getting out of the car, he asked for a kiss and I said 'really??'

    I'm sick to death of this! I don't feel like I should have to answer to him! ARGH!!!!!

  4. #22

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    This is domestic violence DD. He is emotionally, verbally, socially and financially abusing you. It is not a normal relationship and he is not doing any of it because he cares about you. He is doing it to control you and keep you in line.

    Also worth noting is that physical abuse is not only harming you but intimidating you - punching walls, throwing things, blocking access to people or places with his body - ie stopping you from getting to the children by standing in the doorway and not letting you past. Are all forms of physical violence.

    There are ways out. If you want out now you CAN do it. It may not be pretty but it is worthwhile. I know this because Im living it now. It is daunting and so so scary but it is also wonderfully liberating. To be able to do what I want without being afraid of getting into trouble is so nice.

    Call 1800 RESPECT - I used a different organisation but it is unfortunately QLD specific. 1800 RESPECT is national and they should be able to give you the numbers for who to call in WA to get you to safety. It doesnt have to be physical. Psychological safety is just as important.

    You deserve better than this and so do your children.

  5. #23

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    I really need to thank you all for everything you've said.

    I'm taking this all on board and I'm figuring out and sorting out stuff while I can.
    It's only really dawned on me how much he's controlling and manipulating me - by things he says, his body language etc - and it's bout time I took a stand. He says he loves me and will fight for me back - but I know that he's only doing/saying it cause he wants to keep me on a leash, and only now I'm realising that it's not ok.

    I need to do this. For me, and for my kids because if I'm not feeling happy or anything, then it'll affect them.

  6. #24

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    It wasn't til around the time DD3 was conceived/born that I realized just how abusive my relationship was. I was about 10 years in by then. I didn't know there were such things as financial/social abuse. I knew all about sexual/physical/emotional, but had never heard of other types of abuse before. I was living with all of them. There were so many times we had no rego on our car, were weeks behind in rent, or simply had NO food just because he took all his money & spent it before he came home. I wasn't allowed to work (I did, but was abused for it all the time). I was questioned when I did the food shopping!!

    I would go to a friends house while DD1 was at school (he was away working) & he would count the hours he couldn't get hold of me for (no reception at her house), then I'd get 20+ abusive voice messages come through when I left.

    You have the right to leave & you also have the right to take your children away from an environment that is not good for them. Its actually considered abuse to let your children live in an abusive environment (I don't know the details, but it is your duty to protect those who can't protect themselves. Not that I believe they're in any danger, but its something that may help you to know).

    You just need to get to that point in your head, where you're ready to leave. Until then, you'll feel like there is no way out, but there is. You just need to want it bad enough.

  7. #25

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Yep 5 years here. He was abusive from the very start. I just didnt see the red flags.

    I agree with Clover. You have to be ready to be motivated enough to do it.

  8. #26

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Well tonight ensured yet another argument.
    Though this time I stood my ground... Granted I threw one of the kids balls at him (yeah probably shouldn't have done that but I'm just so sick of hearing the same stuff from him that I guess I just had to get it out somehow) and almost broke one of DDs bottles by squeezing the living day lights out of it - but with everything that happened, I just stormed out - my turn to this time.

    Staying with friends tonight because I just can't bear to go back... Because tomorrow is supposed to be our 5th wedding anniversary >_<
    Yeah, tomorrow's going to be great -_- (especially since now I gotta work Fri, Sat and Sunday and Fri I'm working with people that REALLY pushes my buttons)

    Anyways, it's almost 1am and I just back from seeing The Hobbit so it's bed time.

  9. #27

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    DD

  10. #28

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    So I organised to catch up with friends on Sunday night, and hadn't had the chance to tell him.
    He then confronts me and says 'Would have been nice for you to ask me instead of just going and organising it without me knowing and finding out through facebook'. So then I've already turned around to those friends and said I can't go cause XH doesn't want me to go. And now I may have lost a friend because of him because she's like 'You've got to stop letting him control and manipulate you!'

    PLEASE, Money Gods, PLEASE help me out soon! I need to pay bills off and get myself a car so then I can save up for my own place.. I REALLY need it right now

  11. #29

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Aww you ok?? Huge hugs he needs to stop this its getting worse not better. Is there any help you can get to move out hun? Message me anytime you need to talk here or on Facebook. Much love and hugs xx xx xx

  12. #30

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Dd please call that number. There are people who can help you. You dont have to put up with this.

  13. #31

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    DD you need to call the helplines, they are there to help you and the kids. They can help with the money side of things, they can help with finding somewhere to go. Call them. You really need to. There are services there to help you, please take advantage of them and get yourself and your babies to safety and on the road to happiness. xo

  14. #32

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    they really do cover everything. They had a taxi pick me up at my house and take me to a hotel for the first night then another picked me up the next day and dropped me off at the train station. Dv connect paid for hotel, taxi and train fares. Then the refuge ladies picked me up at the other end and drove me to the refuge where they provided food for the first few days, clothes for me and the kids and anything else we needed. As it was over Christmas there was also heaps of donations of toys and food so we could enjoy our Christmas.
    Everything is covered to make the safe exit for you and your kids as quick and smooth as possible.
    Once you are in refuge they also help you to get centrelink, legal aid and housing sorted out and organise counselling for you and the kids.

    It can be done. The hardest part is making the call.

  15. #33

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Big hugs.

    I don't get how they think they own us even though we're separated. I didn't see how controlling my situation was until I was out and looking back.

    It's super hard at the beginning but it does get better.

  16. #34

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Thanks ladies.
    Today is DDs birthday. I'm going to be civil with him till afterwards and then it's time to put all this stuff into motion

  17. #35

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    hugs hun. good luck. and happy birthday to Miss K.

  18. #36

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    Default Re: Separated - But need help/advice/someone to listen without judgin

    Thinking of you hun. How did you go yesterday/ last night?

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