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Thread: Single Parent To Be

  1. #1

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    Aug 2009
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    Default Single Parent To Be

    I would like to share my story with people. I am a 24 year old and was involved in a relationship with a 21 year old male and after being together for 6 months, I found out that I was pregnant. My partner did not want to keep the child and ended the relationship but a week later he recognised that I was keeping the child with or without his support so we continued a relationship until July, it was difficult being with him cause he cared more for his friends then trying to establish a relationship with me (to be fair to him when he did try to do this, he did well). My heart broke after all the empty promises for the world and now after struggling with the fact that I am alone and trying to reconcile a relationship, my family pointed out that over a 4 week period it was me that contacted him and he did not contact me, just meaning that he does not want me. After tears and tantrums, I was told that he and his family did not want anything to do with me (his family never involved themselves with me in the pregnancy) and even now, I try to include him by asking him to view the 4D scan with me only to be told that he wants a copy to see himself. It may hurt being "thrown away" for his friends and their alcohol binges but it kills me that he and his family are not trying to be involved with me and create a relationship so my little boy will not suffer. I am not innocent either, I'd tell the ex not to talk to me then try to create a relationship or try to reconcile the relationship, I was very confused and hurt but he is not someone that I should not be with in a relationship. I am just so confused by the whole process and continually being "kicked in the guts" by this person and this family. On the positive side, I have a great career that allows me to take maternity leave for 28 weeks and return part-time and also will receive financial assistance from Centrelink so I should be financially secure, I have a supportive family and am being to construct friendships with positive people and I have a beautiful home and everything that my child needs without any help from him or his family and I will be okay as a single mother with support but the sense of guilt for my little boy is overwhelming but how can you force people to have a friendship with you for the sake of an innocent child? It hurts but each day the pain will fade and once he has arrived that my view will change even more so and he will be my world but I anticipate nothing but hosility from these people. I have had my vent - Have other people out there experienced the same? Or have any advice?

    Last edited by beaver; August 30th, 2009 at 04:59 PM.

  2. #2

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    Default Opps

    Just re-reading over my post. . . I said "I should be a relationship with him" but I meant that I should NOT be in a relationship with him

  3. #3

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    Default

    Hey hun. It can be really really tough. I went through a rollercoaster of stuff with Ashtons father, in the end I moved on and he has visits with Ashton every 2nd weekend. It did take a lot to get to where we are now, Ashton is almost 1 and he's not seen him very much.

    One thing I did know was that I loved the little baby inside me, and no matter what I was going to cherish him.

    There were days when I cried non stop and others where I was so so angry at him for what he had done, leaving me with a baby to raise on my own but you do get past it all and learn to cope on your own.

    Just so you know, Ashtons father left when I was 4 months pregnant, and I didn't hear from him until Ashton was almost 4 months old. So it was a fair while. And since then he has been in and out of his life, sometimes being nice and other times just being a down right jerk, but i've learnt to let it all go and keep moving forward.

  4. #4

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    I am so sorry you are going through these confusing emotions, especially the mother guilt. Your little boy is lucky that he has a mummy as caring as you. Unfortunately you cannot force people to be decent to children and put themselves second fro once. Sounds like you have a great support network set up and you are confident that you will do single parenting well, so ong as you hav e this confidence everything will work out just fine. I have found this forum such a wonderful place of support, especially since becoming a single parent. Look forward to getting to know you and hearing of the arrival of your baby boy x

  5. #5

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    Default Thanks

    Thank you for your kind words. It has been very interesting reading through the experiences of single mothers with their XP or XH and in the end it will be okay cause my son has a mother that loves him who is surrounded by a strong family. XP and his family could not contribute emotionally to me which I still hopes will change but I won't be giving into his demands such as "having a go" at me cause I would not let him take the DVD of the 4D Scan that my mother paid for (he needs to ask for her permission cause it is her property) or trying to guilt me that I am taking away him attending ante-natal classes if I have my aunt or mother attend as a support person but why would I want to spend hours alone with someone who talks to me with disrespect and says hurtful things that destroy my self-esteem - emotional abuse? I understand it is hard for him but where and when do I start to put me and my son first opposed to dealing with someone who would rather been under the influence of alcohol etc with his friends. I am having a good old vent now and thinks that he can obtain 50% custody when my son is 3 months old. . . I think I will exclude him and his family from the delivery and the first day after his birth so I can at least enjoy him before they start or don't start. I hate his behaviour - It is just plain old cruel

  6. #6

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    Default Wild

    Sorry all don't want to seem that I am running XP down but so WILD about his lack of involvement. Oh well, only 11 weeks until my world changes when son is born

  7. #7
    rhyb Guest

    Default

    Dont be sorry. This is what the forum is for. To vent your frustrations and share your highs of parenthood with others that understand. DS has seen his dad once for 2 weeks in the past 6 months and thats cz I paid half his airfare and provided accommodation. He has close to no relationship with Aiden cz Aidens only 15 months old and thats boring to him :rollseyes: But you know what we do ok. We have a great relationship and Aiden doesnt miss out on anything. We play cars together and in the mud and the sand all the things I thought XP would be doing and I enjoy hanging out with DS. When Im sick Aiden will lie on the couch with me watching dvds or play near me cz he knows somethings wrong with mum if Im lying down all day. I feel sorry for my triplets cz I probably wont have the relationship I do with DS cz we have so much one on one time. Dont worry single parents are very capable and the kids turn out just fine

  8. #8

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    Default .

    Wow! I think it is important to remind myself that I need to be a strong parent despite being single cause I really can't anticipate how XP will be once the baby arrives but I think it shows that being a single mother that you can do it on your own and I think you're doing an amazing job especially with triplets on the way, wow!

  9. #9
    rhyb Guest

    Default

    Just take it one day at a time and do whats right for you, not what everyone else is doing. Sounds simple but when I first brought Aiden home I ws so busy trying to do what I thought I should do and what XMIL was telling me to do, I didnt really bond very well with DS, seeing him more as a chore than my son. But once I got the courage to stand up and say hey this is what were doing and were happy this way everything just fell into place for us.

  10. #10

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    Default Thanks

    It does sound simple but it is hard putting it into place so I have just have to try do you know if you are expecting all girls or all boys?

  11. #11
    rhyb Guest

    Default

    All girls, poor DS lol. All you can do is try darl xx

  12. #12

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    Default Congratulations

    Congrats. . . Can I ask what DS stands for?

  13. #13

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    Oct 2007
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    Perth,WA
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    Hi there

    I don't have a story to share but I just wanted to say that you can do it!

    By the sounds you are a bit torn...you want your ex around, but not...at the same time. Maybe you can come to some sort of peace within yourself as to what you really want....and decide what your DS (which stands for Dear Son) will need once he's here and you've established your new life with a baby as a single parent.

    Good luck

  14. #14

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    Australia
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    Default Torn - Yes!

    Yes I am torn but how much more clearer are the words "My family and I want nothing to do with you until the baby is born and then you can be a problem for the next 18 years" and answering phone calls with "What do you want?" - These comments bring tears to my eyes because really I haven't been a bad person but I have been trying to reconile the relationship or at least maintain an amicable relationship cause I was under the impression that he wanted to be there for me emotionally but when it is me contacting him and nothing from him then it is clear and I need to accept it and move on quickly because XP does not want me cause he prefers not to be a relationship more or less and to tell you the truth I was very unhappy with him and felt unsupported and frustrated with him most of the time but I have mother's guilt and want to create a "happy little family" for DS. So sadly, I have removed his details for my file that is held by OBU, changed appointment with the midwife so I can attend with my mother and removed him from ante-natal classes so I can attend with my mother so I will surround myself with support instead of someone who is just so mean spirited. You know I sent pics of the 4d scan to him and his response was "Baby is sorta ugly, must be my boy" and asked to come and watch the 4d scan with me when he had a moment but no, he demands a copy (mind you my mother paid the 4d scan so this is her property and I am not going to give him our only copy and tells me to **** off - I sat there texting him trying to tell him how important and needed he is and how I want to be able to have the opportunity to be friends with him but no response to calls, texts etc.). I don't know, I am so mixed up about his actions. . . Do they really say that he wants nothing to do with me and baby until he is born? Or I have done something but being confused and telling him that I need him and then I don't need him to make him just want to not be involved? I think only time will tell, I really don't think he wants anything to do from me and what he tells me "wanting nothing to do with me" is the truth and not said in the midst of an argument. . . Need to stop making excuses for him, exclude him from my life because whenever there is contact it is me that is distressed until he makes an effort that I find appropriate (still holding onto hope) and start living my life as a single parent focusing on DS and looking at the positive especially my amazing family and the opportunity to make new friends and rediscover myself as a person and create a new identity as MUMMY

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