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Thread: Why am I so stupid?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Aug 2009
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    Unhappy Why am I so stupid?

    I got a new number to avoid contact with XP because he only engages in conflict! He turns up tonight and I give him my number just so he will go away, I am so stupid to have done that and seeing him makes me anxious. Like my friend says he doesn't want contact with me until DS is born but once I stop contact as he wants then he wants to know how DS is. . . This makes me unwell. I feel so guilty that he is a position cause he did not want DS but wants to be a father once the pregnancy starts progressing and I always try to put him before me due to that guilt It is not easy. I just want him to stay away from me and DS until he recognises that his behaviour toward me is not good and shows me different. I feel terrible cause he is young and has been forced to be a father in this situation but I forget myself too. Feeling so guilty and stressed after a minute conversation. Hate his behaviour but love him for being the father of DS. . .


  2. #2

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    Apr 2008
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    You are not stupid, sweetie. You are optimistic that it will all work out.

    Good luck and try not to stress.

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
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    It's not like there is a handbook on how to handle this situation chicky babe.

    Don't kick yourself too much,

    Maybe you can see a Family Lawyer about what you can do about this - it's not fair that you are at the whim of his 'parental' feelings whilst trying to grow the little tyke...

  4. #4

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    Aug 2009
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    Thank you for your replies. Just needed somewhere safe to vent - Even when XP and I were together, his outbursts were so stressful and it would just have me so upset and crying. . . I understand his point of view such as not wanting my mother at the 20 week ultrasound (but I did); not shopping for clothing for baby with him or his mother (never thought he'd be interested and we weren't speaking his mother at that point of time due to being labelled "bad parents"); buying a pram and manchester (my sister was buying this and I seen the manchester and brought it there and then) etc. I just anticipate so much more tantrums from him cause I wanted him removed from my medical records cause my mother is the one there for me every step of the way and I want her and aunt at the birth of DS cause they will support but he just seems to be controlling and I am give in due to the guilt of him being a father against his will; guilt for DS that I am not doing the right thing to encourage XP to be involved with DS but you know who cares for me and my well-being during this time? My family does but I don't cause I put him first and foremost due to guilt and that's wrong cause my responsibility to DS to help him grow and not expose him to hormones caused by stress that are toxic to a developing brain and it is my right to enjoy my pregnancy! Silly that he rocks up requesting my number when he didn't even want to watch the 4D scan with me (only wanted a copy and couldn't understand that we only have one copy and it is my mothers) and tells me to "**** off" and then ignored my calls and texts when I try to explain that I want an opportunity to have a friendship. . . Just writing all of this, it causes me to think. . . Is he playing games? My family thinks he tries to control me (I admit to giving in easily) but I can also understand way he may if he feels he has no control in this pregnancy or is terrified of becoming a parent. I will just take some space from him - He does not care about me but at least he is showing a faint interest in DS... Stupid XP

  5. #5

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    I just wanted to say you shouldn't feel terrible for him as he's young(I would insert it as a quote but I'm daft at this technical stuff lol)...
    You said he's been forced to be a father...I am sure he knew what the possible outcomes of intercourse were (not that I know your situation) .

    Don't waste your precious energy feeling terrible for him, you have yourself and your bubs to be concerned about.

    For your health and sanity you could start by toddler taming him . Next time he 'has an issue' tell him you'll talk to him when he's calm - and ignore him until such time. Thats what I do with my toddler and she learns quick how to get my "positive attention" (and not the negative attention from tantrums etc).

    Good luck!

  6. #6

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    You are most definately not stupid love, you are just a mummy to be who is wanting to do the best thing for her little boy.

  7. #7

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    You know what? Your FIRST thoughts in your posts are correct. Don't second guess your first feelings.

    Yep, trying to control you. Yep, doesn't have much interest in your welfare apart from needing to control you.
    Yep, your mother comes first because you KNOW she has your best interests at heart (and soul).

    Totally understand your need to do the right thing by DS, but the right thing actually doesn't mean a father in his life at the expense of having the WRONG father in his life. You first thoughts on this AGAIN are correct

    sorry about the capitals, its just my way of waving my arms around online

    Now - this isn't the perfect situation for anyone right now, XP could be a total ARSE or could possibly reacting in this way because he doesn't know any better (or something - whatever), maybe he wants to be the best father in the world - I dunno.

    But one thing is for sure - you must do your very bestest to train him, toddler style like leesa said!

    If that means getting all your legal rights sorted in your head, go do it. Protect yourself. Listen to your family cos they won't be playing games with you. If you don't have the strength, default to what they say about things until you feel stronger to make the decision for yourself.

    I TOTALLY cut my DD's natural father out of her life. A harsh call, but he simply could not stop stuffing me around and playing games I didn't need. She is 17 now and it was the BEST decision I could have made. If he had acted like a grown up and stopped threatening me (at the very least) we may have sorted things out for her. But he wasn't interested in that, just the games.

    Good luck, please hang about BB, its been a sanity saver for many of us

    xoxoxo

  8. #8

    Join Date
    Aug 2009
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    Australia
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    Thanks BB members - This place is the best place to vent and I appreciate all of your advice and kind words. I will listen to my family who I think do have a clear perception of the situation than me at times so I am very lucky. Thank you all xoxo

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