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Thread: Doubts about trying again can someone help??

  1. #1

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    Default Doubts about trying again can someone help??

    Hi,



    I am thinking of TTC again.. I lost my twins at 12 days old after they were born at 24wks.. Due to my having a classical cut c section I knew physically I had to wait what I thought was a year, so it kind of took the decision out of my hands.. I have since however seen my high risk OB who has given me the ok to go off contraception after 6 months which is now.. I am so scared that I wont love this baby like I did Taite and Seth. I mean will I feel like it's the 2nd best baby? "I only had you because Taite and Seth aren't here" Also I feel I would want a girl because I have had my boys and no other boy would be as perfect as them.. God I sound horrible but these are little niggling thoughts I have.

    I do really want to be a mother, I can't imaging not having a bub, but at the moment I just want them, not just any baby.. I am still currently on the pill and am still covered by depo til the end of this month but then I was going to go off contraception as I don't fall pregnant easily anyway so I am expecting it to take a while.. I mean I know I would love my baby, but did anyone else have these little niggling doubts in the back of their mind?

    Just wanted to add I may have felt like this even if they were still alive as they were my firstborns, but we probably wouldn't have tried again..
    Last edited by blessedatlast; May 13th, 2009 at 10:56 AM. Reason: adding

  2. #2

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    Hi blessedatlast

    None of your thoughts are horrible. They are just what your mind is telling you in order to help you process the terrible loss of your twins and the tragedy you have been through physically and emotionally since.

    I too lost my little boy in March. We had decided to only have one - we thought we would be lucky to have that given our track record with TTC! So I feel like we wouldn't be trying again either if everything had gone well with Ryan's pg. But that is the hand we were dealt. It doesn't make us disrespectful or horrible. It just makes us human to have those thoughts. I desperately wanted to change our situation and prayed that we could turn back the clock and be holding our baby in my arms, but that will never happen. All we can do is try to move forward day by day and carry the burden of our loss with us. So that means we are TTC again. Ryan will always be our son and our first child and will always be in our hearts, but we desperately want a baby to love and watch grow up, so we are really hoping that we will get our BFP soon.

    It is good that your ob has given you the go ahead physically to start TTC again. That is at least one hurdle out of the way. Have you had any counselling? My GP referred me to a psych who has really helped me to deal with my grief and my anxieties, as well as dealing with other people around me. If you haven't had any help in that area I would highly recommend it. You might find it gives you some help too.

  3. #3

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    I have no relevant experience to bring to this, but I do recall something that a lot of mums have said to me, which is this "You think that you could never give any more love than the amoutn you have for your firstborn; it is just so great. But then you have your second in your arms, and it comes. It just comes from somewhere, and all of a sudden there's just so much more love."

    If you decide you don't want to go for it, well, that's OK.
    But if you do, you'll find the love.

    I hope you find the best solution for you. Good luck.

  4. #4

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    Hunni, no baby or babies will ever replace your precious little boys. They are, and always will be, your first born sons.
    Although you have the green light to try again, I think that you are still grieving for your little men, and perhaps you should see a councilor for a litlte while to help you get to a point where you feel ready to try again, without thinking you will love your next baby any less . Hun, you will always grieve for your little boys, I don't believe this will ever change. I grieve for my little boy every day, but somewhere deep inside me I have found the strength to try again, knowing very well that no baby will ever take Joshua's place in my heart. I know that I will love another baby just as much, but he or she will never replace my little guy.
    I have been seeing a psychologist since Oct 08 (ever since I lost Josh), and now she is helping to prepare me for the next stage of my journey, another pg.
    Beata xxx

  5. #5

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    I dont feel there ever is the right time IYKWIM!!!

    after I had Katy I said thats it I dont want anymore kids my hubby was devastated but allowed me that time to grieve it was about 2 mths after Katy was born that I woke one morning and thought how can I not give my baby girl little brothers or sisters .... she would have made a wonderful big sister etc...

    anyway we started TTC and it took us a while I dont know if it had to do with me not being emotionally ready and my body shutting down or what but when I finally managed to conceive a baby that stuck I was so scared of having a little girl though all I had ever wanted was girls... I found out at our big scan what we were having just so I wouldn't go thru the birth and have the fears problems I felt I would have in how could I love another little girl the way I love my Katy...we went on to have a little boy I was so releived... I knew I could love a little boy but was so worried about a daughter...

    anyway I have rambled enough I think the fear of having another baby and will you love that child as much is to be expected I think even mothers who have their firstborns with them go thru that fear how can I love another child this much do I have enough love to go around I am currently pg with Katy's 2nd sister/brother and am again terrified I wont have enough love to give

    oh and this time I would love a little girl my fears have disappeared

  6. #6

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    I have been thinking about what you have written all night and still don't know what to say and how to word it propaly.

    I think you will know in your heart when you are ready.

    For me I was ready straight away. I was just so desperate to feel pregnant again and I longed for that little baby in my arms that I could take home. I know I can't replace Maddison but I really want to meet her Brother or sister. I to worried that my next baby might feel I just had him/her to replace Maddison. But I can honestly say I wanted them and Love them just the same.

    I have spent the last 11 years with my eldest daughter Teagen and only had 20 weeks with Maddison. I really do feel I love them equally.

    I have been reading a book which had been helpful "pregnancy after loss" it really is just a lot of snippets from other mums TTC.

    I also brought a Maybe Baby which I think has brought me luck this month. It does say on the website how to possibly conceive a girl

    Using Maybe Baby to Influence the Gender of your Child

    I think tho you will love your next baby the same whether it was a girl or boy. They will still be a part of Taite and Seth and you and your husband.

    I was told by a friend/midwife that a baby will come to you when your mind and body is ready.

    I hope I have worded it all ok and not offended you in any way. I can think it in my head what to say just can't seem to get it down on paper very well.

    Thinking about Taite and Seth together with Maddison over the rainbow
    Xx

    Not sure if you were abel to read my message yesterday before the thred was taken off. But thankyou for thinking of my at Mothers Days.
    Last edited by mummytogirls; May 30th, 2009 at 11:41 AM. Reason: forgot

  7. #7

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    Oh hun you will know in your heart when you want to start trying again, there is nothing saying you have to start right now. Give yourself time and wait till your ready. No baby or babies will replace your precious boys, they are your first born's and nothing will change that. When you see your next baby for the first time you will fall in love with them at first sight just like you did with Taite and Seth. Other babies don't take your love they share it with all of your children.

    Good luck and be kind to yourself
    best wishes

    Bec

  8. #8

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    blessedatlast,

    Hun I know exactly where your mind is at, becomign pregnant again can be very very difficult emotionally there seems to be an increased level of anxiety with every aspect of the pregnancy.

    As you know I am currently pregnant and yes it scares me, yes I have had the same thoughts as to whether or not I will love this baby as much as I did Nikita, I wanted a little boy so badly so I had "something different" with this baby.

    I believe I am having another little girl, though it is yet to be confirmed. I am ok with that.

    S/He will bring their own uniqueness to our lives and will be a different personality.

    There will always be a piece of me and our family missing from those special events and days and family holidays but I believe our little angels will be there celebrating with their siblings.

    It is normal to question how you are feeling and how the prospect of another child will affect you. I would be lying if I said it was an easy decision or if I hadn't thought so much about Niki.

    I see this baby every week, and I can assure you that every week I grow to love him/her more and more. Noone will ever replace our angels but I promise there is room in your heart and you will love another baby just as much but in a different way to Seth and Taite.

    It doesn't sound to me like you are 100% ready to start TTC but by discussing your fears I believe you are making a forward step in the right direction.

    Take care hun, its a difficult journey but its a rewarding one.

    Nae x x x x

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