thread: Help please

  1. #1
    Registered User

    Aug 2012
    Canberra, Australia

    Help please

    I have never posted before but am at a loss and need to reach out somehow.

    10 weeks ago my waters broke at 22w5d and after nearly a week in hospital trying to make it to 24 weeks i went into labour at 23w3d and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl that my husband and i named Bella. We went into the delivery ward knowing that we wouldn't be leaving with her. She managed to survive for nearly two precious hours in which my husband and i held her close and told her how much she was loved.

    Time has flown past and while my husband has now returned to work this week i am at home alone wondering how on earth i am meant to get through every day without falling to pieces. I have a 2 year old son who is in full time childcare and a 16 year old daughter at college. We have had to move in with my mother in law for both financial and emotional support as we previously lived out of town. My husbands work is not supportive and he is incredibly stressed, I am trying to make things as easy as possible for him otherwise. He has been an amazing support and i am honestly a little lost without him here with me through the day. i am trying to keep busy and not think about it and trying not to be a drain on him.

    I feel like the world has continued to revolve without me. I feel like I am a leper as all of my family and friends have seemed to forgotten that i exist. I know that people dont know what to say but it would be better if they just said hello then no contact at all. I feel like everyone has forgotten the fact that i had a baby that i cannot hold or have with me, its like she never was, when every breathe that i take leaves me feeling hollow and bereft. I need something to hold, i need Bella.

    We have been to SIDS counseling and they have been wonderful but it doesnt stop this ache that i have inside of me that i cannot talk to anyone that i know about. I need to know that somehow i will get through this, i need to know that it can be survived because right now i just dont want to be here as it is all just too hard. When people ask me how i am i want to answer 'terrible thanks' but i cant because it seems people dont really want to know. I hate that everything is normal, i dont feel normal. I need to know that someone out there has been through this before and that they are now ok. I need some hope.............

  2. #2
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber. Love a friend xxx

    Sep 2008

    Unfortunately, there are quite a few wonderful women on here who have been where you are. Until one of them stops by to give you more informed advice and support, I just wanted to leave you the biggest, gentlest internet hug in the world. I can't imagine the pain that you must be feeling and it must hurt all the more to feel distanced and unsupported by those around you. I am so so sorry that you lost your precious girl. Fly free little Bella. oxox

  3. #3
    Rach83 Guest

    I am so sorry that Bella wasnt able to stay.
    I'm not sure what to say but I wanted to say something rather that not respond.
    Big hugs x

  4. #4
    BellyBelly Member

    Jun 2009
    in the Capital

    As Santosha said, unfortunately there are lots of wonderful women in here who have been where you are now.

    Please accept my sincere condolences. I hope that you do find a way through this. Take little steps and try not to push yourself. It's okay to cry, it's okay to grieve. It's not okay to pretend it never happened.

    Sometimes people don't know how to cope with the death of a loved one, particularly a baby or child. When a close friend of mine lost her baby girl to cancer, sadly she also lost a lot of her friends. They didn't know how to provide comfort or support so they didn't provide anything. This left her feeling lost, alone and bereft. I stood by her as she cried, yelled, screamed and then finally laughed.

    This is not something that you have to get over it's something that you and your family have to get through.

    Hold your husband and talk to him. Take comfort from your little boy, I'll bet that his little cuddles as just as divine and healing as my own toddler's can be. Talk to your daughter, she would be grieving too.

    I pray that you and your husband may find strength within you to smile again.

  5. #5
    BellyBelly Member

    Jun 2009

    I'm hoping someone will be able to help more than I can but just wanted to send and that I'm sorry you lost Bella. I really don't think there is anything that will take that pain away but maybe someone can help you find a way of managing it so it does not hurt so much. no mother should have to lose a child x

  6. #6
    BellyBelly Member

    Oct 2006
    Adelaide, SA

    I don't have any advice but just wanted to say how very sorry I am you lost your precious Bella.

  7. #7
    BellyBelly Member

    Feb 2008
    on a journey called life, finding our way home

    I also didnt want to read your devistating story and not respond. I dont have advice it must just be hell. Maybe talk to the people around you and tell them you need them. Huge hugs to you and your DH.
    At peace little Bella fly free with the angels. xxxxx

  8. #8
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Jun 2008
    In snuggle land

    whitedoves, I am so sorry for your loss. Congratulations on the birth of your precious daughter. I wish so much she could have stayed.

    Everything you are going through is normal. Grief is severely debilitating and sometimes it's hard to see how you can survive. I think it gets worse in that 3-5 months afterwards, when everyone else has moved on and can't cope with the fact that your baby is still dead and you are still devastated. If you can get out of bed and have a shower, you are having a good day.

    I have lost two baby boys and yes, you can survive this. What choice do you have anyway? You have children and a husband who love and need you and whom you love. If the only thing that gets you through the day is them, then that's what you do. The raw pain will fade, then come back again, then fade. You will be scared of losing memories but the love never dies. Some days you will even smile and laugh and one day you will do so without feeling guilty.

    Noone who hasnt survived the death of a child can come close to understanding the hell you're living in. It took months for me to be able to go out in public without support. I found I lost some friends but those who mattered were there, even if they didnt understand or know what to do. They cant fix it and most people feel helpless and frustrated about that. i figure they can deal with their own feelings, I had enough to deal with just waking up each day without my babies.

    if you have any questions or need to chat, let me know.

  9. #9
    Registered User

    Dec 2007

    I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby girl, such a beautiful name. Sending you a big warm embrace, I lost my Emmanuel at 24wks and the pain just seems so unbearable but day by day, one step at a time, you will get through this. I hope by sharing with us it has helped just that little bit, may you hold memories of Bella close to your heart .


  10. #10
    Registered User

    Feb 2006
    Newcastle, NSW

    Oh honey, I am so very sorry that your sweet little Bella grew her angel wings.

    I remember feeling how you are feeling right now. That all consuming grief. That feeling of not being able to breathe and not quiet sure if you even want to continue trying.
    When my husband went back to work, I was a mess. I ended up going back to work too and letting out all my fears, grief and anger onto a blog and onto bellybelly. Knowing there were others who had walked this path before me and were smiling gave me hope. Seeing people talk so freely & openly about their angels made me do the same. When I felt sad, I told people that. I didn't care if it made them uncomfortable, it was my way of constantly assuring that my son was known. Sometimes people would get flustered and not know what to say, other times people would share their own stories of loss. I remember a lovely old lady telling me about her stillborn daughter and how she never saw her and she was never spoken about. She told me that it is something that never leaves us, we just learn to adjust.

    The world going on around us seems so cruel at the time but eventually, it will be reassuring and you will find yourself wanting to pop back in and rejoin it again too. For now though, escape if you can when you feel like it. I would curl up in bed and never want to move. I'd lay there and cry and get so angry. It's all so normal. Before you know it, you might feel like smiling again. And you will have days where you smile more than you cry. And then you laugh. And then you might find yourself smiling or laughing about something to do with your angel. For me, I remembered how Noah kicked a ball that was placed on my belly and I laughed to my DH about how he would have kept us on our toes and we wondered if he'd have been a sporty little guy. It felt so right to talk about him with happiness and not sadness.
    You will get there too. Take your time and allow yourself to grieve this immense loss. Let your friends and family know how you're feeling. Let it all out here on bellybelly and we promise to cry with you and support you as much as possible. Take small steps xxxx
    I'm here if you ever want to talk xx

    From my iPhone.

  11. #11
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Oct 2007
    Caroline Springs

    I'm so terribly sorry that Bella could not stay earthside with you. It's a heartbreak that no one should ever have to experience.

    I think many people either don't know what to say to someone who has lost a child, or feel that they might upset you more by mentioning your precious Bella. I promise that no one has forgotten your baby girl. This forum is a wonderufl place full of supportive ladies, so please feel free to talk about your sweet Bella as much as you would like. We are all here with open ears/eyes and hearts.

  12. #12
    Registered User

    Aug 2012
    Canberra, Australia

    Thank you

    I just wanted to say thank you to all of you lovely ladies who replied. Your words gave me strength and hope and that is just what I needed. Everyday is hard but they are getting better, well I think I am getting better at dealing with the days passing. I have started to talk to people and bring up Bella in conversations, the reactions are varied but I feel better for being able to talk about her even if other people dont deal with it so well.

    I have said to a friend that losing a baby is like having leprosy, most people dont know how to deal with it and want to avoid it. I've come to terms with this, it is their problem not mine and I do not hold it against them, though it makes me sad to acknowledge it.

    I have found a few friends recently who can deal with it and are willing to listen. After posting here and receiving your replies a girlfriend happened to ask me how i was and I was brave enought to reply that I am not ok. i told her that I needed to talk about Bella and I needed her as my friend to listen, that i didnt expect her to say anything as nothing she could say could make losing Bella better, that I didnt expect her to do anything as nothing could be done to fix what had happened, but that I needed her to just listen to me talk about Bella and about how I was feeling. She was more then happy to do it and it made me feel so good to know that I could.

    For those mums that have loved and lost their precious angels thank you for your words, they have helped more then I can say. For all you other ladies that just sent me love anyway, thank you too, it was much needed.

    Returning hugs to you all
    with love

  13. #13
    Registered User

    Feb 2006
    Newcastle, NSW

    I'm so glad you've got some people you can chat to hun. It really does make a world of difference and your precious bub deserves acknowledgement.

    From my iPhone.

  14. #14
    BellyBelly Member

    Jul 2008
    Home with my Son :)

    Hi Whitedoves.. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter Bella. I lost twins at 12 days old after they were born at 24 weeks. It was a very isolating time. I was in shock for about 4 months and barely left the house for the first 6 months.. It's not for everyone, but I went to support group meetings. I found it comforting to meet others in a similar situation and to share some of the feelings that are experienced and know that yes, you are very normal.

    I'm really glad you have some friends you can talk to. Much love to you

  15. #15
    2013 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    Sep 2011

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby daughter. I didn't feel that I could read your story and not respond. I don't know what you're going through,all I can do is send you lots of love and strength.

  16. #16
    BellyBelly Member

    Nov 2011

    Hugs whitedoves.
    Although I haven't lost a child myself, I have friends who have.
    I was glad to hear you were able to talk about your precious girl with some one you know.
    I wish there was more I could say or do to take the pain away.

  17. #17
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Aug 2009

    Oh blossom... first of all, congratulations on the birth of your beautiful daugther Bella, who though only here for a short while, will live forever in your heart. I'm sorry that Bella was born too early and couldn't stay.

    You are not alone, and you can get through. I know it feels so ark and alone and that pain consumes you as does the longing for Bella. Coping after the death of your child is hard... you could be talking about me, the way you wrote, except that I had the luxury of greiving without having to care for other children. For you the world has stopped and won't be the same again.... little by little though, you find a new normal, the new normal of a mother whose precious daugther is not here for others to see, but she is your forever baby.

    I can't say too much more tonight.... but I'll be back to check on you. 3 of my babies died, born alive and to young to survive. Looking back I have absolutely no idea at all how I made it through, but I did. I'll go back to those days in my mind and see what I can come up with to help. It ( the pain) does get easier to manage, and doesn't take up as much me anymore. It doesn't mean it hurts any less, just means the pain is not the only thing I see and feel anymore.

    I won't forget Bella, and neither will you and through you she lives on.

    Go gently.

  18. #18
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Aug 2009

    just checking in to see how you are going?