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Thread: How do you just move on?!

  1. #1

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    Default How do you just move on?!

    I am very angry at a close family member of mine, I was on my mums facebook and happened to look at her messages. There was a message from my aunty in August of last year that really upset me. Now my first born son was born at 23 weeks and 3 days and passed away a few hours later, it was very hard. 5 months later DF and I fell pregnant with our rainbow baby. Im not to sure how far along I was when my mum recieved this message but I think I was about 4 months.
    the message went like this
    "Hi, just thinking is Sharlene alright, is she getting some help to cope with loosing her baby? She is writing alot of depressed stuff on facebook, no one taking away what she been through but for her to be well she needs to move on. She is having another baby which I presume she planned and is happy about,things in life happen for a reason. We dont always know why but we do need to move on for her own health and health of her baby. Do you feel she is coping? Even mum (my nan) said bout it at the weekend and I dont know if facebook is a place for putting it all out there".
    She is so stuck up her own ass that she has no bloody idea how hard it was for me to get through DD's pregnancy. How the hell do you just move on from watching your son die in your arms It hadnt even been a year and she had the balls to say this. I now wish I had've seen this sooner I wouldve got right up the b(*&h. He is my son and no matter what anybody says he was and still is my child even if he is watching over me. Did she think that DD would replace my little man? That is not the case I have 2 children 1 watching over me and 1 with me no one will ever take that from me.

    I guess I just needed to vent as you can see im not very happy with my aunt, her husband is also an ******* writing **** on my facebook that didn't need to be there. How do I deal with this knowing that someone who has nothing to do with me has said this? Do I just ignore it?
    Some people especially family are just so damn insensitive.

  2. #2

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    I am sorry that your son didn't stay earth side and can see why seeing this upset you.
    From outside perspective though, it does sound like she is genuinely concerned about you. I agree she hasn't expressed it very well but I suppose that is why she messaged your mum and not you.
    As for her husband I think I would make it so can't post on your wall.


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  3. #3

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    I also don't think you ever 'move on',as you know,your whole world has changed and you 'make it through' by doing whatever is necessary to make it through the day.


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  4. #4

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    People really do not understand until they go through it themselves. It doesnt read as though it was malicious but I understand how hard it is to deal with. Of course you never move on. You can move forward though. Grief will always be there and some days will be harder than others. Just as you'd like people to accept your new normal, that you will never be the same, unfortunately we have to accept that others just do not, cannot understand. Let it go, if you can. You know you will love and honour your beautiful son until the day you die.

  5. #5

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    Im so sorry for the loss of your son. I can see why you'd be upset and very, very hurt by what was written, but I dont think your Aunty had that intention by writing it. I think she was just trying to help. Personally I hate it when people say 'its time to move on' and 'things happen for a reason'. There is NO reason for it to happen nor is there time we should have moved on by, loss changes us in a way that cannot be understood by anyone who hasnt been there.

    Btw, I think matters like these should not be expressed on facebook for all to see and you have a right to be angry and upset.

  6. #6

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    I totally understand the anger. I wrote heaps of crap on facebook that i am sure people were worried about but my thought is better to put it out there then bottle it all up and then end up a basketcase. She probably thought she was just worried but surely she could have just come to you and talked to you herself?
    When you lose a child it makes other people uncomfortable and they say stupid crap instead of just letting you rant when you are angry with the world!
    I had my dad tell me after i lost my son and was pregnant with my daughter that he had read an article about how fatter people are more likely to have stillborn children! From his point of view he was just trying to encourage me to lose weight and from my point of view he was a total ass hole that just made me feel responsible for killing my child....

    Maybe reading that message has brought back all the anger that you had back then as well?

  7. #7

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    Thanks all for the comments, my aunty never messaged me or even spoke to me about this. My mum never replied either, yes I know she may have been concerned but the way she made her message look was basically telling me I should get over it that whats done is done and to stop talking about it IYKWIM. But for someone who I barely talk to and have not seen in 7 years to say this makes me very angry. I have blocked her husband from posting as it caused a big argument between the family and of course everyone took my uncles side.. I wont message her I will let this go because I know in my heart that Tyler was born and lived even for jsut a short time and he will always be apart of me till I die.

    Thank you all once again, some people just do not understand what us mums go through.

  8. #8

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    Tylers Mummy - you never "move on". You conceived Tyler, you carried him, you birthed him and you held him in your arms as he died, and you hold him in your heart now and forever.

    Only someone who is "old school" about grief or who has never had their baby die would think that. I think I used to think that about a work colleague of mine.. wondering why she still acted and behaved certain ways. It's just naiviety on their part, and in a way, half their luck for not knowing. But it hurts those of us who do know what it's like to have your children die in your arms and then carry that grief and people's insensitivity.

    I never understand why people think that babies can be replaced. They don't think that about other people in their lives, or their pets, I presume. Every baby is loved and nutured and unique. But for some reason people, again, niaive ones, think they can be replaced. As if.

    I am sorry that you got to see something that upset you. Sadly that's also a part of our life as bereaved mums too. I am always being confronted by insensitive relatives... hmm, what is it about relatives that they think they have more of a right to say what they feel, irrespective of how insensitive it might be. I am just sorry that on top of the hurt we already carry, that there in additional hurt.

    I agree with someone else, it seems she was worried about you, but just not so good at communicating that. The funny thing is, she was saying that facebook wasn't the best place for some things, and she uses it inappropriately herself. LOL. Do as I say not as I do.

    There are better ways she could have approached it - call your Mum and ask her, or call you and check on you. But remember for some reason people are scared to actually make contact with bereaved, especially mummas to angel babies.

    Hope you're travelling ok now. Hugs to both your babies.

  9. #9

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    I know this is an old post but I think you have every right to be upset by this. I really don't like it when people think they know what is best for us when they have not been through it themselves! Sure I would love to 'move on' too and in some ways I have but my baby's life and death is with me every second of the day. Its not something you can switch off and from what I have heard from women having rainbow babies after a loss, a baby does not replace the first baby nor does it make one get over it. I too had a family friend say I should just go and have another (umm not that simple and it completely de-valued the life of my baby who was here and was real!). Perhaps your aunt was concerned but I think in situations like this family shouldnt be allowed to see what we post on FB! I don't think messages are appropriate in this context - it would have been better face to face or to talk to you to see how you were feeling rathr than judging what she sees on FB. I hope you are feeling better xx


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