thread: need help

  1. #1
    Registered User

    Jun 2012
    Perth
    2

    need help

    Hi all i sadly lost my daughter two months and two days ago at a tender age of seventeen months old. She sadly passed of meningococcol. Does it get easier? I really broke down last sunday and cant get my head around the whole thing. I miss her deeply but would like ideas on how to get through this. Thanks


  2. #2
    BellyBelly Member

    Feb 2011
    QLD
    148

    Just wanted to give you a hug xxx

  3. #3
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber
    Add TeniBear on Facebook Follow TeniBear On Twitter

    Oct 2009
    Lalor, VIC
    5,051

    need help

    My son died before he was born, so not the same situation. It's been two and a half years. I can't promise you it gets 100% easier/better. It doesn't. You'll start dealing with it in a different way - bring able to smile when you think of her rather than crying, for example - but the pain doesn't fully go away. You'll always have some piece of you missing. I don't say this to scare you, to crush your hopes for the future. It DOES get easier to handle. You WILL be happy again someday, though not completely healed.

    It's like a scar from an incredible wound. It hurts massively at first, so much you don't think you'll be able to stand it. Then it starts healing, not completely, but enough that it doesn't bother you as much. You might have days when you want to pick at it, focus all your attention into the pain. That's okay. Other days you might not even remember until something reminds you. And one day, you'll realise the raw pain has subsided, faded into a scar you'll carry for life but have come to terms with.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. There is a massive amount of support around here, please use it. Talk to us. Reminisce about your darling girl. Know you're not alone.

  4. #4
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber
    Add Footsteps on Facebook

    Mar 2008
    Waterloo, Merseyside, UK
    2,543

    much love and hugs huni...xx

  5. #5
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Jun 2008
    In snuggle land
    4,499

    Lost mum - I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost 2 sons. My DH & I started grief counselling soon after our eldest son died at birth and we still continue with that 2 years later. It was important to us as we grieve differently and this helps us see the other persons' perspective without judgement. It also meant our shrink could keep an eye on things, so when grief turned to depression in me, we were able to deal with it.

    In addition, I found contact with SIDS and Kids helpful. I would check in with a counsellor from them occasionally. I never went to a group meeting but I know some people get a lot of support that way. I found some of their pamphlets helpful, to give to family, so they could try to understand our grief whilst dealing with our own. It also helped me push back when I thought people were pushing me to be 'better'. That's about their own inability to deal with my grief.

    Everyone handles pain differently. Tenibear's analogy of an open wound is a good one. You will always carry a huge scar most other people dont have and cannot see. Even if they are supportive in their own way, they cannot understand the hell you're living. This may mean they expect more from you than you are capable of. If you google the 'Spoon' story, you may be able to relate.

    it takes time. This is the new normal. I hope you have lots of support as you grieve.

  6. #6
    BellyBelly Member

    Oct 2005
    North Queensland
    2,528

    It's like a scar from an incredible wound. It hurts massively at first, so much you don't think you'll be able to stand it. Then it starts healing, not completely, but enough that it doesn't bother you as much. You might have days when you want to pick at it, focus all your attention into the pain. That's okay. Other days you might not even remember until something reminds you. And one day, you'll realise the raw pain has subsided, faded into a scar you'll carry for life but have come to terms with.
    I couldn't agree more with what Teni has said here - it brought tears to my eyes.

    It is a wound but as she has said, wounds do eventually heal.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. There is a much support around here for you.

  7. #7
    Registered User

    Dec 2007
    Geelong
    3,438

    So very sorry for the loss of your daughter xxxxx.

    Regards,
    Dianne

  8. #8
    BellyBelly Member

    Nov 2011
    Perth
    1,090

    So sorry you are going through this. I hope you find the support and help you need.


  9. #9
    BellyBelly Member

    Jun 2012
    South Australia
    1,097

    i'm so sorry.. massive hugs to you hun..

  10. #10
    BellyBelly Member

    Oct 2006
    Adelaide, SA
    3,962

    I don't have any constructive advice, I just wanted to give you a big

    I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful daughter.

  11. #11
    BellyBelly Member

    Jul 2008
    Victoria
    1,064

    I have no advice either as i have only suffered miscarriages...
    But I couldn't read and move on without saying I'm so sorry you lost your gorgeous girl so soon... Gentle, soothing hugs...

  12. #12
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Apr 2008
    Adelaide
    1,741

    I have no advice lost mum, just Im sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl

  13. #13
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Jul 2006
    Cloud nine :D
    6,309

    I have no advice. I am so sorry for your loss xoxo


    Cat xox

  14. #14
    BellyBelly Member

    Jun 2009
    in the Capital
    1,478

    I have not advice to give, but I could not go past your post without offering some support.

    I think it is the saddest thing of all to outlive a child. No parent should ever have to go through that. My mother and father went through this when they lost their first child at only 9 days old. It has been 46 years and yes, my parents still grieve for her (on birthdays, particularly significant ones). What my mother describes is very similar to what Tenibear describes. She says that she will always remember her perfect little girl who she had for such a short time but will always always be in her heart.

    I hope that you know that you are surrounded by love and support on this site and there is always someone who will listen and offer advice.

    I guess the only thing you can do is just take one day at a time. Time will help if not wholly heal and you will smile again.

    I am so very sorry for your loss.

  15. #15
    BellyBelly Member

    Feb 2011
    Melbourne
    207

    Sorry that you have to exprience this type of loss. I can't offer advice but I couldn't read & not send you a hug x

  16. #16
    BellyBelly Member

    Jan 2008
    Christchurch, New Zealand
    53

    My son died before he was born, so not the same situation. It's been two and a half years. I can't promise you it gets 100% easier/better. It doesn't. You'll start dealing with it in a different way - bring able to smile when you think of her rather than crying, for example - but the pain doesn't fully go away. You'll always have some piece of you missing. I don't say this to scare you, to crush your hopes for the future. It DOES get easier to handle. You WILL be happy again someday, though not completely healed.

    It's like a scar from an incredible wound. It hurts massively at first, so much you don't think you'll be able to stand it. Then it starts healing, not completely, but enough that it doesn't bother you as much. You might have days when you want to pick at it, focus all your attention into the pain. That's okay. Other days you might not even remember until something reminds you. And one day, you'll realise the raw pain has subsided, faded into a scar you'll carry for life but have come to terms with.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. There is a massive amount of support around here, please use it. Talk to us. Reminisce about your darling girl. Know you're not alone.
    I completely agree with TeniBear. It's very hard but you will move through the pain. I lost my DD 14 years ago to SIDS and I now have a lovely 5yo. Give yourself time and space to grieve.

    Huge hugs to you & your family
    xoxo

  17. #17
    BellyBelly Member

    Sep 2010
    45

    I am terribly sorry for your loss. Losing a child is the hardest thing to ever have to go through and the circumstances of why and how, and the questions of why and what if. I still wonder 'why' a lot. All you can do is take it a day at a time, an hour at a time. Do you have any support around you? like parent loss groups or online support? I found this really helped, as I didnt know anyone who had lost a baby and found even though friends could listen, they didnt really know what I was going through. No one seems to 'get it' better than angel mums. There are just so many little things we might think and don't know if its normal. Grief is a rollercoaster of ups and downs, and the loss is not just the lively litlte person we got to know, but the hopes and dreams for their future. It is as though everything is shattered and shaken up, including our trust in life. To be honest sometimes I feel like I was robbed of my baby. I do think of the nice memories I had with her but there is always the before and after - before she was sick, and after she got sick (ICU and bad diagnosis) and I miss her each day. I hope the days do become a bit more gentler for you soon.

    My mother and father went through this when they lost their first child at only 9 days old. It has been 46 years and yes, my parents still grieve for her (on birthdays, particularly significant ones). What my mother describes is very similar to what Tenibear describes. She says that she will always remember her perfect little girl who she had for such a short time but will always always be in her heart.
    This brought tears to my eyes. That is beautiful. Such a long life, but something so special for such a short time. xx

  18. #18
    Registered User

    Jun 2012
    Perth
    2

    Hi ladies you are all supportive and thanks for all your hugs. I always visit her and i find that she is close by in spirit.