So many....

:

---

did u go back and shoot the doctor?????? Jacks skin had started to peel away from hischeeks leaving really really red cheeks, we still loved him and kissed him. what a horrible doctor u had, i'm so sorry u have that as a memory xxx

---

No I was only young, at 18 (a rather niave 18 too) I didn't know anything about anything. I just took the doctors word for it, and that was that. And I assumed he was right. I was 19wks pg, but carrying a 16wk gestation bub. I assumed he would look terrible and I wouldn't want to see that for being my precious baby, itms. I was a terrible mess emotionally the pregnancy had been a bit of a shock anyway and I didn't find out til about 8ish weeks, and people were telling me it was better off this way, blah blah. Now being older and wiser, I know better and regret to this day that I never saw him, said goodbye to him in person, or had a propper goodbye/burial for him. But I can't change that, I try to take comfort that I saw him in my dreams and that he knows I love him no matter what.

:

---

for me atm its like the worlds in fast forward and im sitting in it motionless. i worry that one day i'll get left behind

---

I feel like that too ... some days I want to hop into the wardrobe, close the door and block out the world - some days I just can't cope with it all.

To be honest, I rarely read the late loss threads because it makes me too upset. I know that sounds selfish, but it just makes me feel so physically upset for the entire day to hear that some gorgeous mummy has lost her baby. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to experience a late loss. The sense of loss I have felt over losing two first trimester miscarriages has been terrible, however I know it cannot be the same as losing a baby later.

As the others have said, no mother, should EVER lose her baby.

You know sometimes i feel like im still searching for that peice of me that was taken itms?
i feel sometimes that when i look at ds i feel like his missed out on something that was his and apart of him..
i ask him all the time about his feelings about it all and he says"mum i see him all the time im fine".. that should be some sort of assurance but i feel like i owe him something..
its hard to know i never get to see him grow beside his brother or even hug him when his upset..
i cant look into his eyes, ill never ever hear him cry, he wont get to feel my warmth or even taste my cheek when he gives me open kisses
he will never feel the sun hit his soft skin, or feel his brother tug him when his playing around..
there is so much i feel that my ds and him have lost and some times i feel like its my fault and even though i know its not. i just feel like that and i cant help it.
the pain, 10 yrs on is still so raw and deep that i think i live everyday with that pain and the pain never stops... i cant get past the pain. i cant get past the things that stopped me from having a healthy boy next to my beautiful ds..
i remember that when i had them and i was in the room with them ds kept looking aroound and when he laid eyes on him he would close his eyes again.. like he knew something was wrong and he kept making sure he was still there..
i wish everyday that no one, No one would ever have to hear those first two words "im sorry" cause sometimes those words will never ever be wanted to be heard again.. for anything