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Thread: What helped most?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jun 2010
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    Default What helped most?

    A lovely friend and colleague is returning to work soon, after her baby was born sleeping at term.

    Did you prefer that everyone just continued about their daily business? Or something else? I just don't want to make things unnecessarily harder for her iykwim. Im not certain she will wish to be too close to me at the moment anyway as I have a running around reminder of what she didn't get to take home, but I shall play that one by ear.

    Thanks.

  2. #2

    Join Date
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    Default Re: What helped most?

    For me, defiantly not business as usual. Everybody ignored my last miscarriage and that really hurt.
    A quiet word, show of sympathy and support is great.

  3. #3

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    Personally I would let her know you're there for her. So sorry for her loss =(

  4. #4

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    Definitely do not ignore what has happened. Offer sympathy and ask how she is feeling. I want people to talk about dd2 using her name (she was rcently born sleeping at 39 weeks). I don't know if this is for everyone but I like to talk about her birth and what happened in be lead up and afterwards. I like it when people ask how my dh is cos they tend to get forgotten and I especially like it when people recognise that she is my second and that my next will be my third. I also love it when people ask to see her photo cos it is really unexpected and shows that people saw her as a real person and are not scared or the fact that she was sleeping. Hope this helps a little bit. Xo

    Also, in my opinion, it definitely doesn't make it harder when people talk about it...it's much harder when they don't. It's really nice of you to be so considerate and thoughtful about all of this, she will really appreciate it I am sure
    Last edited by Lily Dust; December 20th, 2012 at 08:47 AM. Reason: Merging posts

  5. #5

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    Here's a resource from SANDS that may help:
    http://www.sands.org.au/Assets/Files...20and%20Family[1].pdf

    Acknowledging their child and saying his/her name is very important. Maybe a card to say how sorry you are and that you're thinking of her and her partner. Christmas this year (and every year) will be hell, so any support will help.

    Also understand that she may not be able to be around pregnant women or babies. Don't take it personally. It's just part of the grief.

  6. #6

    Join Date
    Jun 2010
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    I sent her and her husband some flowers (poor girl - has horrific allergies but I couldnt think of what else to send) and a handmade card that expressed how sorry I was that their journey into parenthood has begun with such sadness. I called baby by name in the card and I left my contact details with her (forgot to give them to her before she went on leave ) and have left that in her court as to if she wants to contact me or not.

    I havent seen her since the funeral. Her return to work will likely be the first time. Ive marked baby's DOB on my calendar so that I can do a little something for her/them next year. Im not sure if she will want me to or not though as I dont want to upset her or make things harder for her at work. But then, she may take that time off work too.

    L&B I've just read through that information sheet and its very helpful. Thank you for posting that.

  7. #7

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    Default Re: What helped most?

    She's blessed to have somebody as caring as you around.
    I hope they will be ok.

  8. #8

    Join Date
    Aug 2012
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    Canberra, Australia
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    I know for me, people saying my babies name was and is so important. It was so easy for people to avoid my grief it was so lovely for the odd person to approach me directly and hug me and say that they were sorry, to mention her name and to just let me know that my baby was also in their thoughts. Your friend will let you know if she needs to talk but please start the conversation to let her know you are willing to listen as she will probably not be the one to initiate it but will appreciate the chance to talk. You can't change what has happened nor make it better for her but you can listen to her, even if she says the same thing over and over. She is lucky to have a friend like you x


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