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Thread: When is it too soon?

  1. #1

    Default When is it too soon?

    So many different parts to this question but basically how soon is too soon...

    After your last baby?
    In your life?
    In a relationship?

    ...to make a decision regarding permanent contraceptive?

    We are both 100% decided that our family is complete (happy, content, ready to move past this stage) and DP wants to get a vascetomy but I have reservations because DD2 is only one, we are young (Im 25 so that is a lot of reproductive years left really) and have only been together a couple of years... But then how long do we wait?



    Im the kind of person who accepts things as they are and makes the most of it so besides being sure about having no more children, I know I wont bother with regrets even if my feelings change but I dont want to do DP a disservice because despite him being the main one pushing for it, he is also the most disadvantaged personally by the choice. We are lucky, we have two beautiful girls and eachother and it feels right for both of us but but but... you just cant predict the future! Two years together does seem too soon particularly doesnt it?

    I know in the end only we can decide but what are your opinions about child age, parent age and relationship age in terms of the decision about permanent contraception?

  2. #2

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    Interesting question. DH has just had the snip - he had it when DS2 was six months old. That was our plan all along. We both knew three was it for us so it was an easy decision really. To be honest, where we are in our relationship and our age (though we are older than you!) didn't come into the decision process.

  3. #3

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    i think if you are both 100%sure then thats all that matters, i dont think age, number of children or length of relationship matters,

    we are (soon to be) 26 and we will be doing the same thing, some kind of permanant contraceptive once this one is a certain age

    I guess what im trying to say is, is there is no right or wrong answer. its all about what works for you guys!

  4. #4

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    I Am on my phone so will be brief...something to ponder is that IVF clinics are full of men and women who have had a vasectomy/tubal ligation. Life changes so much from your 20s to your 30s (and again in your 40s) that I would definitely not make permanent potentially life altering decisions at your age.

  5. #5

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    Default When is it too soon?

    How about something like the Mirena which is a 5 year contraception but can be removed earlier if you change your mind? I was adamant two was enough but then when my second turned 1 and the tricky year of having two so close was over... We decided on three. Now I feel sure that's me done and my Mirena is in and great.

  6. #6

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    We knew when we were pg with our 4th baby that we'd had enough. But then I was 29 and DH was 33. When I had my 6wk post-birth check up DH came with me and got the referral done that day and he had the op when DS2 was 5 months old. We knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was what we both wanted though. We did discuss what could happen in the future and he was adamant that he didn't want any more kids and ultimately it's his body, his decision. It's been 5 years since he's had it done and there have been no regrets at all.

    I totally get what N2L is saying though. But you can't predict what is in your future, you can only act on the here and now.

  7. #7

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    DH had it done within six months of number 2 - we knew two was it for us so was easy decision but we are mid 30's. If we had been 10 years younger I would have been against it because I have got relatives and worked with many men who had it done only to then end up no longer being with the partner they made that decision with and having a new partner and wanting something different. You don't mention whether there are any reasons you don't want to use other contraceptive methods - those reasons would come into a decision for me. In your shoes I would park the decision a couple of years and review - if both still want and not wavering after two years then would go ahead. I do also think stage in relationship comes into it, not just age and would also prob say to someone mid 30's only in a relationship for a couple of years to perhaps think about it a little longer.

  8. #8

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    I am waiting for an appointment for a tubal ligation. We decided before #3 that we didn't want any more kids, so it was on the cards from as soon as she was born. DH was going to have a vasectomy but he has never got around to even making an appointment and tbh, he is still young enough to have a new family should our marriage fall apart completely, so I would rather have the surgery because I won't be having more no matter what itms.

  9. #9

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    We knew when Moo was a year old we wanted just one more child, after that we always said DH would get the snip. When Buster arrived 18 months later I was hesitant for a little while...but in the end I was very happy for DH to go ahead with it. It still took at least a year thanks to my husband being a procrastinator, losing referrals and needing to organise his shifts as his was done under a general. If we were younger (DH is over 40) it's possible we would have waited but we are very happy with our decision and I'm sure the result would be the same.

  10. #10

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    My DH has just had a vasectomy and DD 2 is 6 mo. We decided that given our history of m/c and infertility issues that We/I couldn't go through what we have been through to try for another baby and also our ages, we more my DH who is 42.
    The private practice where my DH had the procedure had a pre op appt with him to discuss it all and confirm this is what we definitely wanted. You could always have the pre op chat and go from there. GL

  11. #11

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    Dh had his done at the 12 month mark, our gp suggested we wait even though we knew before ds was born that he was our last.

  12. #12

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    Our main reasons for this option are security and convenience. Having two surprise pregnancies I dont feel comfortable using just one form of contraception and so we use condoms too and will until either a vascetomy or confirmed menopause lol. Condoms are pretty annoying and the cost adds up as we are quite active but better then stressing about another pregnancy which I would do if just using one form of contraceptive (I still get a little anxious waiting for a due period as is). Even with a vascetomy I would most likely use contraception myself too, just to be more sure.

    I have been thinking and thinking and even if we won the lottery I wouldnt have more, even if they both died I dont think I would want more as Id want them back, not just to have kids if that makes sense. But then I dont really know how Ill react to future events and it could all change.

    I dont get clucky with newborns, never have, newborns suck. I love toddlers but more so my toddlers, whilst I miss them as all their previous stages, I dont independantly miss the previous stages. I dont have any desires for a boy, Id probably lean towards a third girl if we wanted another. Ive had great pregnancies, natural births, successful breastfeeding and no unresolved feelings to work through by doing it all again. I feel very confident about the decision but then I keep thinking about how Im only 25 and maybe my clucky genes just havent kicked in yet or something. But even then, I think I could work through it being a hormonal desire rather than something I actually want and if the option is not there because we had a vascetomy then even easier to move past for me. I dont really dwell on what I cant change.

    I do worry about the relationship breaking down even though it seems really unlikely. We have been through counselling together and whilst we have only been together for a short while apparently stage wise our relationship is quite mature but then that is no guatentee. I know we are both of the same mindset - love is an action, love is a choice and we are both committed to turning towards our problems together rather than away. But things can change. I cant imagine wanting more children with someone else so this is more about protecting DP obviously as he is the one giving up the option.

    Our plan was to wait till DD2 was 2 (January) but it is interesting hearing others stories and thoughts. Part of me really does want to just close the door on this chapter as to do anything else is just leaving a big potential to explore the what if rather than move past it, Im ready to move past it and deal with that decision. We are lucky, we are happy and I think I could find my way back to those things no matter what happens.

  13. #13

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    It sounds to me like you are very sure of your feelings. Many of your reasonings rang true for me. I think cluckiness is more of an issue for some women and less so for others. I have never been clucky. I prefer to not goo & gah over newborns. I'll have a cuddle but I'm quite happy if I don't. Other people kids have very little interest for me (apart from the interest that stems from them being the offspring of friends/family). I honestly can't wait for my kids to move past the baby phase & be a bit more independent. DS seems to be getting to this stage now & it is so much easier & more pleasant (when he's not whinging lol!). Winning the lotto probably wouldn't change my mind either because it's not like a nanny can breastfeed! Baby will still want mum. I would want to be mum too but I've moved on from that stage. As soon as DD's outgrown something, it's out the door without hesitation. DH had the snip when she was 4mo. We were both 31. He especially was adamant that he was done. My feelings (even now that she's two) are complete relief that it's done. The only reason we waited as long as we did is purely because we planned two kids and if something went wrong during the pg, I knew I would want to try again. If for some reason down the track we changed our mind (I very much doubt it), there is still the option of IVF. Yes expensive, invasive and emotionally draining - but the option is there. We talked about what ifs. What if I died & you had a new wife? DH was adamant he was done. It's his choice. We chose for him to make it permanent rather than me as I had gone through the births and pg's and it would be a more complex op for me. He was happy to do his bit. And now, we can DTD without worrying about another pg. I haven't regretted it, not even for an instant. On the flipside, I do know someone that had a vasectomy because contraceptives didn't work for his wife. After 3 unplanned kids by 22, he had the vasectomy then they decided they wanted number 4. He had a reversal and 8 years later, finally got their 4th. For them though, his wife is a very maternal woman, loves babies, takes them off your hands the moment you walk in the room lol! She is very different to me in that respect. I don't think you are too young to make this decision. You have thought it through, you know your own feelings and have come to a well reasoned & mature decision. Only you can know. The only reason I would say don't do it is if there is any doubt. Even just a smidge of doubt. Even if you're 90% sure. Then I would say hold off and rethink, reconsider your feelings, wants, life direction etc. That 10% doubt could end up causing a lot of heartache down the track like for my friends.

  14. #14

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    I definitely feel relief when I consider the guarentee of no more. Dont get me wrong, I love my children and dont begrudge the investment in their infanthood at all but Im at over 4yrs breastfeeding with probably another 1-2 to go, Ive coslept with one swapped into the other, I feel like Ive given a lot of myself and energy towards them. Im pretty ready to move forward from those things and the older DD2 gets the more the idea of another and heading back into the trenches leaves me cold lol. I love where my DD1 is at for example, I know it still requires a lot of time and energy but it is different and feels more mutual, more in line with being me. Plus with our plans to homeschool at least for the primary years, two is a lot more managable logistically. Outside of that decision too we fit just right in our house, our car, one parent per child, our current dynamic just seems to work.

    I keep thinking if we do want to do more with children we could look at temporary fostering or even possibly adoption. Investing in children already here rather then bringing more into it sits a lot better to me although I know it is a long and involved process. Id also be keen to look into anonymous egg donation and feel the sooner the better, while my eggs are young.

    Im confident Im sure but I know DP can be more impulsive and Im sure the lure of ditching condoms is quite strong. I guess all I can do is explain all my concerns for him and trust he knows what he feels just like I know what I feel.

  15. #15

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    Sounds to be like you know what you want. Just go ask around and find someone to do it

  16. #16

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    The closer we get to DD2 turning 2 (January) the less sure I am! DD2 was conceived around the time DD1 was 2 so it feels like a significant time and I'm feeling so clucky! I have never felt that before, never. I am quite maternal, I think but never clucky for newborns. I love children and raising children and being a mum seems to suit me perfectly but babies were always meh, hurry up, this is a bit boring but now we are seeing them everywhere. Every time we are out we seem to notice babies and pregnant bellies and it is driving me crazy!! And a lot of friends are having babies too so am seeing such beautiful things on facebook. Ah, didn't you get the message brain, we don't want anymore!

    And I still don't. Mostly. I mostly think two makes sense. Financially, environmentally, time wise especially with homeschooling. Our car wouldn't fit another and getting another car is not really an option. Grandma has been taking both girls for sleepovers lately and keeps hinting we should have another but then we joke she wouldn't take all three and she agrees and I agree, asking her (and my dad) to have all three at once is too much and so we wouldn't enjoy these beautiful couple nights that we are REALLY loving as we have never had much just us time as I already had DD1 when we met.

    Why is this so hard? Logically, two is perfect and I love my sisters who have such a beautiful relationship together. And we are really out of the baby stage now. But somewhere, I want a bigger family. And I daydream about more people joining our family. Filled with different personalities and interests, bringing more life and inspiration into our home. It is a romantic notion, I need to remember it is also bringing more years to breastfeeding (coming up to 5yrs straight now and whilst it has been great, it would also be nice to see the back of), more nappies, more night waking, more carrying a bub that can't walk, more prams, more planning and effort for outings, more expenses...

    Does cluckiness pass? Is this a phase? I've been fighting it for a bit now. It does seem to follow my cycle a little, maybe my hormones are kicking in now at 25... does that sound right? Is it just hormones??? HELP. Remind me I don't want this, I can't want this.

    It doesn't help that DP is now saying he is 80% keen for another.

    I guess the main thing is we shouldn't be doing anything permanent, although part of me thinks that doing it would help to just accept and move on. Feels like this will always be a hard choice... I wish we just knew either way so we could do it and move past this lol. I don't want this to be a thing for years... I'm a very indecisive person by nature, makes me thankful my girls came along as they did or I might never have made up my mind about children and missed something incredible.

  17. #17

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    You are exactly where I was at after 3 kids. We ummed and ahhhed about a 4th for ages - one month it would be me who wanted it and DH wouldn't, then we'd swap LOL. We did that for ages. I tried to convince myself i was happy with just 3, especially as she got older and we were starting to move out of that baby stage - the first 3 were only 20mths apart so thinking of another baby at that point was just crazy! But I realised that I just wasn't ever going to be satisfied with only 3 so we decided to have our 4th baby. And it was like the switched was turned off so to speak and the cluckiness definitely went away. Like I said previously, we both knew that we were done after that. The only advice I can give you is not to live with regret - give yourself more time to be sure. Maybe you might just need more time, maybe if after another year or so you will know either way what you want to do. Maybe in time you might be in a better position to afford it etc. Or maybe you will feel completely done. Just leave yourself the option and see what happens. There's nothing wrong with the bigger gap - by the time 4 was born there were just over 3 years between DD2 and him. Just don't live with regret.

  18. #18

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    We knew we would be ready before ds was born, dh felt like he was finished and the toll of having early babies and bed rest was exhausting for me. Our gp suggested we wait 12 months as dh was only 33 at the time so I had an implanon implant as I struggle with the pill. We still felt the same later on and dh had the referral and appointment made as soon as the 12 months were up.

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