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Thread: 13yr old sister living with me

  1. #1

    Default 13yr old sister living with me

    Bit of background Ok so my 13yr old sister is living with me since thursday I'm 24yrs old have my own 3 kids and my husband she lost her mum when she was 6months old and our dad works in qld 4 weeks On 1-2 weeks off since she was little her nan and aunty gave her everything she wanted cause they felt sorry for her cause her mum passed away and now they dont want her cause shes wild is living with me at least till my dad and his wife and kids get home if not longer my sister thinks she's going on 18 she dresses like an 18yr old tart she has a 17yr old boyfriend who turns 18 in march and still chucks tantrums if she dose t get her own way I discovered the other day and she tires to talk to me like crap I want advise as I'm not her mum or dad what consequences should she follow I'm so new to dealing with a teen as I wasn't this wild as a teen I'm pretty laid back in everything including the clothes I wear but she won't wear target clothes what should I do I can't afford the surfy brands I'm a young family that's just took on a teen any advice on the boyfriend situation ???

  2. #2

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    The first thing I would do is make sure she is on a reliable form of contraception. As for her clothes do you need to buy her any? I'm not sure your situation but maybe she can get an after school job if she wants brandname clothing. Bbl

  3. #3

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    I just wanted to say goodluck. Teenage girls are not easy to live with....DH's 14 year old daughter came to stay with us just before Christmas and some days are just ARGH!!!

    I would sit down with her and give her some ground rules. First of all though, speak with your DH so you both have the same expectations. My stepdaughter started acting up something fierce (plus we found out that getting drunk and smoking pot at school were just a few of the mild things she got up to last year). I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not tolerate that sort of behaviour. I'm not a fan of the let it slide approach. I have a toddler in the house and I don't want him thinking that behaviour is acceptable.

    If she's under 16 (and he is over 18) and they are having sex he is breaking the law by having sex with a minor. You may be flogging a dead horse with that one though so I agree that (sadly) reliable contraception is probably something you really need to think about. Maybe take her to a (female) GP who can talk to her about it so it doesn't sound like you are on her back.

    You said you are a mum so, trust your instincts. I'm not sure how old your little ones are but sometimes teenage girls carry on just like a two year old. Think about how you would deal with their tantrums - probably not too different huh? Remember that it's not your fault that her mother passed away.

    Getting them to start talking is hard but once the words start flowing it's worth the effort.

    I took my stepdaughter out for the day and we went shopping looking for craft things. I also took her to the library to borrow some books. She's actually a joy when I've got her on her own.

    Sorry it's a bit scrambled....good luck hun.

    With regards to the clothes, we took DSS to Pumpkin Patch - they have a tween section. We were able to buy some very reasonably priced clothes that she needed (there was no way on this earth that I would let her out of the house in what she turned up in). I grabbed lots of things and got her to try them on. She grudgingly admitted she liked some things so we bought them. Just don't expect her to say thank you. I don't think my stepdaughter knows what it means.
    Last edited by Cass72; January 14th, 2013 at 04:10 PM. Reason: the clothing thing....

  4. #4

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    Default 13yr old sister living with me

    How long is it until dad gets back?
    I think the first thing is sitting down and setting in place some boundaries. You and your husband need to discuss why is negotiable and what isn't. You need to sit down with her and discuss these things with her. Let her know what the boundaries are. It sounds like there hasn't been any in place and I this te case, bare it in mind that it may take getting used to having them there. Have an idea of what consequences you want (no tv/phone/she has to do chores- you guys need to work that out). Maybe see what she thinks the consequences should be, maybe you can come up with something that's suits both of you.
    In terms of clothing, explain that you can't afford it. Let her know this is what it is. Is there any sort of benefit (youth allowance?) being paid? If so, that would go to her primary caregiver if that's you.this would give you some control over finances.
    Definitely agree with the contraception. I don't condone sexual behaviours t that age but I'm also not naive to the fact so if its going to happen at least give her the right info and help her stay protected.

    Bbl soon with more info

  5. #5

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    I have a 13 yo dd. Boundaries are everything. I find the best time to talk to her is in the car where I have her undivided attention and she can't escape lol. We take her mobile phone away from her as punishment, she's been without her phone for 32 days (she's been counting) because she disobeyed a rule in a major way. Another time she snuck out of the house to see a boy one night, I sent her away to the outback with her grandparents for 2 weeks of no phone, internet or tv. She never did it again.

    As for clothes, Supre, Valley Girl and shops like that have really cheap clothes, cheaper than Target even. If she wants surf brand clothes, perhaps you could pay her to do some jobs so she can save up for them. The city beach website have some awesome bargains in their sale section, I buy heaps from there.

  6. #6

    Default 13yr old sister living with me

    Ok so haven't been on much lately my dad won't be back till Saturday at the soonest we put rules in place and she broke the one thats important to me and thats trust and lying so now im asking myself if ive done the right thong by having her here as its pretty stressful last nights event goes as such I've trusted her to go her friends house last night I tired to call her to make sure she was where she was ment to be which is out of service but she was still in service and as soon as id ring ahe would switch her phone off then turn it back on 5-10mins later so I knew she was in town so we went to find her 30mins away we couldn't find her for an hr so I contacted our other sister who's 16 she lied to me and said she didn't know where she was so went to police as she is 13 but they couldnt help as shes over 10 then I was told by one of her friends mums she had planned to stay with the boyfriend at his house whos 17 nearly 18yrs old so I was fuming I looked in white pages for his address found it and went and knocked on his door first he tired to tell me she wasn't there but I told him if she doesn't come now the police would pick her up so he went and got her we drove home in silence when we got home I took her phone off her and told she she isn't going to stay at friends this week since she lied to me now she won't come out of her room I barely slept last night worrying and stressing if I've don't the right thing.ive told her to get up have breakfast but she said she isn't getting up my mum keeps saying to me I've got enough on my plate with my 3 kids so I'm now thinking should I tell my dad to hurry up and come home and deal with his daughter or should I keep trying last night when we couldn't find her I felt so sick and uneasy not a nice feeling any advice on what I should do with her not getting out of bed or anything would be great aghhhhh teenagers

  7. #7

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    sounds like you are trying to the right thingI think taking away her phone and canelling her outing are fair enough. As for getting up bar physically forcing her there isnt much you can do. I wouldnt flame the attention seeking. If she is hugry or thirsty or bored she will get up, if you have wireless internet I would consider changing the password until she comes out and has a proper discussion with you so she doesnt spend the entire day in her room on the net. Im sure she will get bored at some point and will venture out

    I think you need to have a talk to your dad with your DH present and agree about what boundaries you are setting and suitable consequences, if you plan on having her stay. You all need to be on the same page to help make your lives easier and to reduce the incidence of her manipulating everyone involved. You then then need to discuss these with your sister

    As for clothes I would be contacting centrelink and seeing if you would be entitled to receiving any assistance for having her in your care, if you dont due to your Dad's income then I would be discussing a child support type system with him where he pays for his daughters needs. My IL's have raised my niece and had a similar situation.

    If her presence in your home is having a negative affect on your family then you need to carefully consider what impact her staying will have on your family short and long term. And I agree a reliable form of contraception would be a major concern wherever she is staying, you dont want to be raising your sister and your niece or nephew!

  8. #8

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    wow. No advice as our kids are still under 5. I had friends who took in her half sister (15 yrs old) a couple of years ago, but that was before they had their own children. They'd often find her drunk at the local skate park with her new friends. She ended up moving back interstate after 6 months, but it aged my friends with all of the stress.

    Not sure why your dad isn't paying for her upkeep and clothes?
    If it's not working for you and your family, I'd be telling your dad that he needs to take back responsibility for her, even if that means having to change his work situation to make it work.

  9. #9

    Default 13yr old sister living with me

    I took my 16 year old sister in. She was pretty wild and asked to come to me because she was in trouble in the state she lived in. The first thing I did was lay out rules and boundaries and listed the consequences. She didn't like it and tested me a few times... Until she realized I was serious. Make sure you and DH are in the same page as consistency is the key.
    We rewarded good behavior and locked our battles. Sometimes it just not worth pulling them up on dirty dishes.

    My sister was old enough to get a payment from Centerlink and we made her pay board and she was responsible for purchasing her own clothes.

    Clear boundaries with clear consequences and follow through. Hang in there. She will act out more initially because she isn't used to the restrictions but hopefully she gets better.

  10. #10

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    Not sure if this is a long shot (others would know better), but is it worth her getting some counseling? Just thinking she might have some internal issues that need to be addressed with not having her mum, dad remarried and away and then being raised by grandmother and aunty?

    Quite often I've found when children act out in this regard they are missing having consistency and someone permanent in their life. The older bf can be the whole "replace a man in my life". Do you have enough of a relationship to just talk with her? Or is there too much distance there?

    hun


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