thread: HELP

  1. #1
    Registered User

    Mar 2005
    Sydney, NSW


    Hi, it's me again, to talk about my 7 year old daughter. I got married Feb 04, and her real dad recently moved back to UK, possibly coming back to Oz next year. We all get on very well.
    I think DD is starting to miss him alot, and get abit nervous about the new baby. She is being quite rude to DH and testing him I guess. He is acting a bit like a child and I sometimes just want to shake him and say get a grip, you're the adult!!
    Im just REALLY worried that it's going to turn into a war between them. I have talked to them both separately this morning and told DD to apologise to DH for an incident, and Told DH that he can't storm out when she doesn't listen to him, and slam his door (yes it soundslike they're both children). Anyway, have told DH he will have to discipline her and told DD she has to do what he says (naughty chair). They both agreed to this although DD said "It will make me worse". cheeky.... I told her, it is to make her a happier person, and it won't happen much because she is soooo good!!!???
    I am actually going to take DD to a counsellor just so she can say how she feels, and I can learn what to do with a child who has a step dad and new sibling.
    But Im wondering if anyone has been in teh same sitch, or if they are now, and if anyone has come through it well etc etc.
    Thanks xoxoox

  2. #2
    Senior Moderator

    Nov 2004

    My situation was a little like yours. I have a stepdaughter Bron who's now 13.5 years old. I came onto the scene when she was six, and DH and his ex had been separated two years.

    When we first met, I told her that she only had one mummy, and it wasn't me, and I wasn't going to be her mummy, I was going to be her friend. Considering that I'm only 14 years older than her, it was better to set it up this way.

    We still get along great (in fact she prefers to spend time with me rather than DH!). When DS came along, she was just wonderful, and now that #2 is on it's way, she's been even better.

    I try not to discipline her at all, although I do ask her to do things like have a shower or do the dishes. We have small arguments, but I don't ask her to do much, so it doesn't matter as much if she doesn't do as I ask. However, she's generally pretty good.

    At the beginning, I didn't discipline her or comment on her behaviour at all. I think it would be very different in your situation because your DH has obviously been around longer than I was at that stage, and there's probably a greater age gap than 14 years! Bron's half-sister is the same age as my sister! (21!) so there's some "closeness" there too.

    Hope my comments help (although I don't think they really will because of the differences in your situation and mine!) Getting Matilda some counselling is a marvellous idea, kids often open up so much when talking to a professional, it's just fantastic.

    Best wishes.

  3. #3
    Registered User

    Mar 2005
    Sydney, NSW

    THanks for that Divvy!
    Funny you mention the age thing, because yes DH is alot older (24 years) but he has an 8 year old sister (to the same mother...go figure) so in a way, I think DD sees him as a brother, as she is VERY close to his 8 year old sister (her aunty)!!!!!!!
    He has started to help her with breakfast, which has been good, as it gives her independence, but also lets him deal with her. I appreciate your advice though and might suggest he get her moving for bath time, or getting dressed etc!
    I rang up about some counselling today, and am hopeful that is going to help. Just happens there was a drama at school today and one of the mums is saying DD lied about her son hitting her. Anyway, knowing her son is extremely violent, I am holding my tongue and will ask DD what happened. Sometimes I think parents are too involved with the whole school thing. Anyway, just another thing to add to the list . Driving me bloody crazy!!!!!! It seriously is depressing when you think your child is having problems. I am hoping the counselling is going to help me too, because I need to regain some sanity!!!!!!!!
    PS thank you Shannon as well xo

  4. #4
    Jackie Guest

    we're I guess in a similar situation, I have remarried and DD lives with us. She is a bit older than your DD, 15 now, but we have been living with DH for just over 5 years now.
    To start off with DH wouldn't really discipline or get to envolved with things like telling DD to do things, but this just didn't work, I think she saw him as a weak link, so he started taking charge, telling her to do her homework, or get ready for bed etc and things are working really well.
    At times I think he overreacts to certain things, which I just don't think are that bad, but I just have a talk to him and to DD and things sort themselves out, but this doesn't happen very often any more.
    I think that to be respected as a parent, you have to act like one, and show that you are the responsible adult, throwing a hissy fit and slamming doors wont do that iykwim.

  5. #5
    Registered User

    Jun 2003

    I'm sorry I can't type much as I have hurt my shoulder and it hurts to type but wanted to let you know that I have been through the same thing.

    Emma was 5 when we moved to Perth (she is almost 10 now) and she had a hard time coping with all the changes and events that were happening. I took her to see a counsellor and it was great!!!! All the things Emma was feeling about what was happening were completely normal!!! We have been back to see the counsellor a few times as Emma was not coping with only seeing her Dad during holidays but she is now fine with everything. We have moments but I put that down to hormones now LOL.

    Good luck with it all ... it does get better.


  6. #6
    Registered User

    Mar 2005
    Sydney, NSW

    Thank you all. We have our first counsellor appointment on monday but it's just for DH and I. That's what they requested. I think it's great, really looking forward to it!! Thanks for sharing your stories too. xoxo

  7. #7
    froofy Guest

    I have 3 step kids 8-12, and I started out letting their real dad do all the discipline. Then, I'd only discipline them if I was the only adult present. I would say, 'I know I'm not your mother, but I am the only adult here, so it's my job to keep you safe'.

    I also will intervene if something they are doing affects my personal belongings. It's been about six years since I've met them, and they are at a point where they know to listen to me. Now, I will occassionally say something even if dad is in the room, but I do try to let it come from him as much as I can. I also try to give them things to do, and negotiate how much time they get on the puter or xbox, or who picks the dvd hire, or things like that. Also, they listen really well with things like chores I give them, especially if there is a reward at the end of it :-$

    The two elder boys don't seem to think they have to listen to anyone when it comes to beating each other to a pulp. However, if I sit between the two of them on the lounge (for some reason that's where it always starts) then they instantly stop. And they're bigger than me lol. I think it's because their dad told them I'm very delicate and they could break me

    I guess the main thing though, is to get a bond going first before even starting to worry about discipline. Obviously there are times you won't be there, so keep the discipline minimum to those times. Too much too soon is a recipe for resentment on both sides.

    Good luck, and just give it lots of time