need help right now.....

am just feeling so all over the place with everything at the moment. i know grief is a rollercoaster, but seriously the million thoughts going through my head is intense....

it's only been 6 1/2 weeks since i lost J, and i feel so guilty that i just keep thinking about having another baby! i miss my son soooo much, i would give anything to have him with me right now....and then i get really really angry because i feel like i shouldn't even be having these thoughts! i shouldn't have to be thinking about having another baby, because why the heck couldn't i have had J!!?? why couldn't he be my baby that stayed? my baby that completed us? instead there's this massive hole where he should be......

and then i think right now, it would be so cool if i found out i was pregnant....but then truly im scared of that, and everything another pregnancy will entail, because i will not enjoy it....and then i have to ask, what do people think of having another baby before your angel's birthday? right now part of me wants to come off the pill and just start ttc straight away, but if i do, i will have another baby before J's first birthday, and im scared that i won't be respecting him and who he was, if we have another baby too soon......what did you guys do, and how did you feel, about all that?

sorry, i know this a bit of a ramble....but hope someone can tell me their story, or that im not alone Lol.

If you click on my blog link in my sig and look at a few of my posts from last year, that'll give you some idea of how I felt going through the same thing - pretty much exactly the same as you I felt like I was going crazy


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do whats right for u hun, u know i dont think theres any problems being due before our J's first birthdays xxx

thanks guys, i appreciate your comments .....TB, a quick question, with Amelia (and congrats on the birth of her by the way! so happy for you) you had her at 38 weeks, did you go natural, or were you induced? the OB has mentioned having next bub at 38 weeks as well.and Skybie, what would you do? would you wait or be induced? unfortuntately i can't be induced, i would have to have a c/s, but yeh just wondering at the timing as well......

I was induced, but there's a story behind that. They said they wanted to induce at 38w, and I kicked up a fuss so they said they'd let me go to 41 1/2w naturally. But once I got to 38w, I had a moment of being scared and actually asked them do it (thinking it couldn't be too bad since I dealt with Ianto's birth really well). Worst decision I could've made in regards to my birth experience, I had an awful time of it and only just avoided a c/s. Not saying that to scare anyone, I'm just still a bit sensitive about it. Might be why I keep putting off writing the birth story... So angry at myself


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Do whatever you have to. I think getting counselling or going to a SANDS or SIDS and Kids meeting may help. What you're going through is totally normal.

I recommend a book called "An Exact replica of a figment of my imagination" written by a babyloss mama after she had her rainbow baby. That baby was born on or around the first birthday of her first baby who was born sleeping. It's a great insight into the roller coaster you may go through.

The fear will always be there, that's guaranteed. I think it's important to find positive ways to deal with it, knowing it will be there. For our part, we waited 6 months. We needed to from a genetic testing point of view, though given the results, we could have tried earlier and have the same pathway we're on now. I wanted to try earlier and try to convince DH, but I'm glad we waited as long as we did. The grief is still there and in some ways getting worse, but it's not as raw and desperate as at the start. We had more headway on coping and finding tools and ways to get through.

Everyone's choice is there own. Just because we waited and found some benefit, doesn't mean others should. We don't have a problem conceiving, others do. We needed to be prepared for the genetic condition to reoccur. That's not something you're dealing with. That need to be pregnant again is very real. There's a gaping hole where the baby should be. It's not about replacing the baby we lost, it's about having a living baby to love and hold.

Talk to your OB about the best birth option. In the public system, it's recommended that the baby after a stillbirth be induced at 38wks. Mainly for the parents' mental health, but it also depends on the cause of death of the stillbirth. In your case, given you'll need a c/s, maybe schedule it for a day or 2 before J's gestation? Obviously you want bub to be as developed as possible.

We're playing that by ear at this stage and it will entirely depend on our mental state. My preference is bub comes on his/her own sometime between 37wk3days and 38wks, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

TB. You made the best choice you could with the information you had. I'm sorry it wasn't a positive experience.

I'm so sorry that you are suffering! You are entitled to grieve, you are entitled to take as long as you need to do so.

I can't give you any advice, even if I could, it probably wouldn't change how you are feeling, but know that your son is a gift. If anything, there isn't a hole, he will always be your son, and you will always feel love for him! What he did was make your capacity to love so much bigger and stronger and made room for ANOTHER baby to be loved.

i'm being induced at 36 weeks next time around. being a type 1 diabetic and having my placenta crap itself at 38 weeks this time, im not taking chances, couldnt really give two hoots if i end up with a csection. a live baby is the most important thing

yeh i agree with you there Skybie, i can handle a c/s if i get a healthy baby out of it. J actually died at 37 + 4, but he was born at 38 weeks. they waited until after my birthday to induce me, which i think is fair enough....still, the next time round i will be freaking out in the lead up to the birth......gah, it's just so unfair that the next pregnancy has to be such a stress and a cause for anxiety, rather than a time of joy and excitement.....

thanks everyone for your advice and stories, i appreciate it.