thread: A sucky revelation - I will always be TTCAML.

  1. #1
    2014 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    Feb 2010
    Gold Coast

    A sucky revelation - I will always be TTCAML.

    After making a reasonably dignified exit from the TTC threads... here I am. Feeling crap. There it is. It finally caught up to me.

    I was so busy convincing myself everything was peachy, I didn't even see this coming. I guess you never do, it just kind of smacks you in the face one day. I want to be pregnant. NOW. For a variety of reasons. I also don't want to be pregnant now. For a variety of other reasons. At the end of the day though, I have that empty feeling again. That deep-down emptiness when you know you want something, but are too afraid to really go after it in case it's another letdown. In case it's another loss. In case everything falls apart and you find yourself financially and emotionally incapable. I could what-if myself to death.

    I've bent myself into something resembling a human pretzel trying to convince myself all was well. I even POAS this month just gone, using the same brand I kept saying might be 'faulty' giving me faint lines. BFN. A real BFN. It hurt when I couldn't pretend or deny the fact that I have had 3 losses, and one successful pregnancy. Up until now I had considered these very early losses as 'un-diagnosed, un-proven', therefore easily swept under the rug. Well, a line is a line. And I can't rationalize them away now. Here I am remembering how I felt after my first mc. Did it really hurt this much?!

    This pretzel has had a few realizations though. There is never a good time. Everything could fall apart at any time, and I could wait forever for that convenient time to happen. With DSs surgery (another thread coming soon about this when I have the energy) and all the appointments etc that will go along with the lead-up, the actual event, and then the long recovery................... that convenient time is looking like a dot in the distance. And I just know with the challenges DS brings, that dot will only get further away. So I can plunge, or I can sit here feeling crap.

    When we first started to tentatively TTC (let's call it casually TTC... if there is a such thing), I could see myself flip-flopping. Yes. No. Yes. I don't know. Bugger it just go for it. No. Maybe? No. etc.. You know how it goes. When nothing happened the first month, I was quietly relieved. Any extra earnings and time at work I can get up my sleeve are a good thing, right? Second month, nothing happened. Again, on the menu was quiet relief, this time with a side of annoyance that the universe wouldn't just make this decision for me. Third month? I'm a week late. I feel strange. I think we've done it. POAS, and get a faint line. At what should be 5 weeks. My heart sinks so low it touches the toilet water. I know it's another chem. And it was. A week later it's all over. Fourth month? Nothing. Again. I leave the TTC threads because I feel like a fraud. I don't know why. I just do. Maybe I didn't want it enough? Maybe I didn't hold my mouth the right way during BD to conceive? Maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe it's a sign.

    But it is what it is. And I'll feel how I want to feel. And right now that is crap. That empty "I have to get pregnant right now" feeling is back. Suddenly. It's there, in my face, staring right back at me. The pg announcements. That was when I got that familiar pang. So I just want to be honest with myself here where it's safe to do so. I want another fricken baby ok? And I want it now. And to hell with the faint lines..... faulty tests... whatever random excuse I'm using to try to hide my sadness. I told DP to give it 6 months and my casual approach would turn to me attacking him for his man-goods whilst he was asleep. And here we are. Cycle 5....... and it's happening.

    I will always be TTCAML, I guess. No number of healthy pregnancies will erase my losses. 2nd time around, and so far I'm not a fan. I want another baby- I want another birth experience that doesn't involve trauma, fear and depression. I want the chance to heal myself by facing my fear and taking the plunge despite all my concerns surrounding another birth. I want to ENJOY the newborn phase (as much as is possible through the haze.. lol) and not be consumed with grief and anger for all the things which were taken from us in the flurry of intervention. Is that wrong? I must say though, the pain is less when you already have one beautiful baby to hold. At least this time my arms aren't as empty as my tummy. Small mercy.

    I guess I just want what I want. And I want it now. I'm sure many of us have felt this way before. Thanks for reading.

  2. #2
    Registered User

    Oct 2006
    In a house, on a hill with a big fat welcome mat!

    Hug x couldnt read and not give you one.

  3. #3
    2014 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    Feb 2010
    Gold Coast

    Joeve, I find the fact that you were first to respond, and the choice of words in your little quote under your username VERY ominous. Thank you, universe for bringing me Joeve RIGHT NOW with a message I needed to receive- RIGHT NOW.


    Or am I completely insane? Either way I feel slightly less crap.

  4. #4
    Registered User
    Add TeniBear on Facebook Follow TeniBear On Twitter

    Oct 2009
    Lalor, VIC

    So many things I want to say, but I'm tired and can't word them right Just wanted to you know I'm there with you...

    Sent from my iPhone, probably while a toddler sits on my head.

  5. #5
    Registered User

    Feb 2008
    on a journey called life, finding our way home

    I couldnt read and not reply either. i am in the same place at the moment after having a mc a couple of weeks ago. I just want to be pregnant!!!!! I am so scared of getting pregnant and it happening again. HUGE HUGS to you. xx

  6. #6
    Registered User

    Nov 2009

    That was a heartbreaking read. I hope you get the pregnancy you have longed for...I hope it comes soon. I would be thrilled to see a birth announcement from you luv....i believe it will happen...it has to xx

    Sent from my GT-S5830 using Tapatalk 2

  7. #7
    Registered User

    May 2012
    Where faith conquers fear

    I feel like I might be repeating myself today but I wanted to say that I can totally relate! To pretty much all of it. We tried and we tried for over two years and we failed. We finally fell pregnant, and somehow it failed too. During this time my emotions were all over the place. We were trying so hard but I would wake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, terrified that we were making a mistake, that I wasn't sure enough, that I wasn't ready. When we m/c I felt the most horrendous guilt, as though maybe I hadn't wanted it enough to convince my body to hold on. That maybe my precious little one could somehow sense my fear. It's flipping crazy but those were my feelings.

    I managed to convince myself that I didn't really want it after all. That I liked my life better when it was simple and certain. That one was enough. That somehow we had an advantage over those with a blooming family.

    The thing is though, as much as I tried to tell myself I didn't want it, I would literally burst into angry tears every time anyone I knew got pregnant. We weren't even close to trying and yet every time it was announced I was so resentful that it wasn't me. It was causing all sorts of problems with those I love until one day recently I decided to stop fighting myself and just surrender to this crazy TTC process, pick myself up and try again. The longing had been creeping up within me and as soon as I stopped trying to stuff it down with my doubts and fears my heart was loud and clear. Finally I felt sure, and ready. Not just ready to have another bub but ready to be vulnerable and put my heart on the line again.

    I so hear you and have been where you are so I just wanted to reach out to you and give you a hug

  8. #8
    Registered User

    Sep 2007

    TTCAML is so hard. I think I went into it hoping that this time would be different, and would restore my faith in my body. But nope. It was a second disappointment. And that was soooo hard to deal with. I'm sorry I don't have a super happy story for you. But know regardless of what happens you are surrounded by people who want to support you regardless of how it pans out this time.

    Much love to you xoxo

  9. #9
    2014 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    Feb 2010
    Gold Coast

    Thanks girls, it helps to know I'm not the only one wrestling with myself! I can't deny any longer how badly I want to buy a bunch of OPKs and pee on every last one of them, then marvel at and obsess over the results. I know my feelings will change from day to day, but really it's just the surface feelings that are changing- the deep down truth is that I want my son to have a sibling, sooner rather than later.

    Does every other 2nd time Mama go through this flip-flopping? Especially after multiple losses? I'm thinking yes.

    On the up side, all this soul-searching has led me to an even bigger revelation. Really, if I could, I wouldn't be TTC #2 right now, I'd be going back in time to enjoy my DSs pregnancy, birth and newborn period all over again. It'd be just me and him again and I could give him my best this time instead of hating myself for all the things I shoved aside while grappling with my own baggage after the birth. I look at him now, a boisterous 16m old, and I feel the loss of that tiny baby whom I held, but didn't truly connect with for such a long time. I don't want another baby. I want my firstborn- again. Is that strange? Anyway, when I realised this.............. instead of counting down the minutes till bedtime, I reveled in his cuteness. I sat next to him and watched him eat his dinner. Not just safety watching like usual, really observing. I held his hand. I stroked his hair. I dressed him in his PJs, brushed his teeth and popped him in his cot. Then it struck me. I should read him a bedtime story. I have never read him a bedtime story. Because the bedtime routine has traditionally been carried out on the battlefield.... Because life gets in the way. Because I'm exhausted. Because I just didn't feel like reading books and acting excited after a long day at work. The excuses have been effortless. So tonight, I sat beside his cot and read him 3 stories.... and the last one twice lol. He stood in his cot wide eyed and hung on my every word. He giggled, he pointed, he said a few 'words'. My heart melted and broke all at once. So many wasted nights. So much time spent wishing things were different instead of just basking in the yumminess that is my chubby little guy.

    Not another second will go to waste. AND I'm gonna have another baby, and it's going to be awesome and nobody is going to disrespect me or traumatize me or give me dodgy medical advice. Because that's just how I roll.

    I love you girls because you listen to my rambling.

  10. #10
    2014 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    Feb 2010
    Gold Coast

    Marushke - I am all ears if you need to talk. I'm sorry you didn't get the experience you were hoping for. But I am SO proud of you regardless, and I'd be honoured to hear the story.

  11. #11
    Registered User

    May 2009

    I can relate to so many of those thoughts and feelings. You are definitely not alone here.

  12. #12
    Registered User

    Jan 2012
    Western Suburbs Melbourne

    All I can say is I hear you sisters!
    and Hugs, lots of warm squishy hugs...

  13. #13
    Registered User

    Jul 2006

    Wow, reading this brings up lots of unresolved issues for me & my m/c's and struggles to fall pg (even though I am pg now). If I could be assured of no issues ttc a third I'd probably go for another but I can't imagine going through all of what we just went through to have a second.

  14. #14
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber
    Add Beautiful Disaster on Facebook Follow Beautiful Disaster On Twitter

    Jun 2010
    Brisbane - where it is never like it should be.

    forshelby you are an amazing woman it you WILL have another baby.

  15. #15
    2014 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    Feb 2010
    Gold Coast


    Kylie, what a lovely thing to say. I have no doubt that I can, and I will..... but will I do it with awesomeness, or will I struggle again? Who knows. Either way, I bought OPKs today.

  16. #16
    BellyBelly Member

    Jan 2010

    Hugs Hun. I hope it happens soon for you xxx

  17. #17
    Registered User

    Jun 2012
    South Australia

    oh wow. i'm sitting here at work completely stunned... i related to every word you typed.

    sending so many warm 's to you hun. we were 5 weeks pregnant and we lost the baby. the last 3 days i've seen so many doctors it's driving me nuts. worst part is, NONE of them give a crap, they're just emotionless.

    your strength is really inspirational this is the first time i have looked in this section of the forums, because i just didn't want to bring on any emotions that i'm trying to hide away from the world.

    i haven't shed a single tear yet... and i have no idea why.. i thank you so much for having the courage to say what you wanted to say.. in a way it feels like i wrote that myself.

    i too feel the same as you, we've only been TTC for a few months (i know it's not long) but the whole time i was doubting it.. yes.. no.. maybe.. see what happens etc etc

    now ALL we want is to have a wonderful little bubba in our arms

    much love hun.

    and you WILL get your BFP.. i'm counting on it

  18. #18
    Registered User

    Apr 2010
    Tropical Far North Qld

    Forshelby!!! My beautiful long-lost bestest BB friend! Im so sorry your going through this xx I havent been on here for weeks and just came on now to write my own post about NEEDING to be pregnant RIGHT NOW. It sucks doesnt it I dont have as much going on like you though (chems... poor A'x surgery etc) but that need in my heart to fall pregnant is an intense one... im guessing its just like urs. I am in such a messed up head space... do i stop breastfeeding S now so my cycle will return or do I just continue giving her my all and when it happens it happens. Theres some days where I think 'nope I have to wean RIGHT NOW, i NEED to fall pregnant, but theres other days when i think theres no way I am, or she is, ready to give it away AARRRGHHH! It does my head in. Anyway i wont make your post my post, Ill write my own. I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you, lets bash our heads together in frustration xx