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Thread: How soon is too soon?

  1. #1

    Default How soon is too soon?

    Hi all,

    Can you tell me when did you know it was time to start trying again after your loss?

    I only lost my boy a month ago at full term but within the last week have felt the incredible need to have another child. We are still grieving for Alex, that's why I feel so disloyal having such thoughts.



    I guess I'm not sure if my want for another baby is for the right reasons.

    Did you instinctivly know when the time was right?

    Danek

  2. #2

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    Danek

    I was exactly the same as you. It may bring you comfort to know that most of the ladies in the stillbirth thread all started trying as soon as they were physically able to. I was ill with grief yet I was consumed with having another baby. I didn't want to replace Harrison, I never would, but I had my baby but I didn't have my baby.

    I got my AF back 6 weeks after having him and then was so lucky to fall pregnant on my second cycle. I admit it might be confusing for people who haven't walked in our shoes. People might think how on earth can you think about having sex and TTC when you can't stop crying. My DH wasn't so keen on trying again so quickly, most of the time I was close to tears so it wasn't romantic at all and he wanted to wait for my sake, but the with every moment that passed I became more desparate to give birth to a live baby. A friend in these forums put it perfectly, we were childless mothers.

    No one can tell you what is right or what is wrong. Get a check by your doctor. If you had stitches or tearing you want to make sure your totally healed. You also should wait until your lochia has stopped bleeding. When it is right emotionally is a question that only you and DH can answer, but please don't feel disloyal to Alexander at all he will always be your little boy and you will always be his mummy. Another baby will never replace him and the special place he holds in your heart.

    Lv Spring
    Last edited by Spring Angel; May 27th, 2008 at 08:39 AM.

  3. #3

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    Spring, can you also tell me - do you think that your subsequent pregnancy helped with the healing from the loss of Harrison?

    Danek

  4. #4

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    Danek: There isn't really a straightforward answer to that. I felt cheated, why did I have to go through all this worry again? I would be at my 12 week scan and be so upset, was I looking at Harry or my new baby. It was all just so surreal. A weird sense of deja vu. I was so nervous and worried and I guess angry that my innocence was lost. I didn't really plan for the questions people ask, like "Is this your first?" and there were many days when I just felt like it was all too much. But at the same time because I knew how precious life is, I treasured every moment and was so in tune with my body that I guess I made myself trust my body again.

    Since having Oliver, I will say that I have really progressed. His birth was different, I cried because I was so happy he was here but I also cried because Harry wasn't. However as he grows I have felt the clouds of sadness lift. It is hard to be sad when he smiles at me. Having him has helped me so much with healing. Sometimes I think, I lost a son but Oliver lost his big brother but I guess I can't let myself wonder too much.

    If you feel up to it, and you feel like it might help you, I have written my birth story for both my boys in the Birth Stories thread. Is is titled 'My boys - may be upsetting for some'. It puts into words all the emotions I was feeling.

  5. #5

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    Danek,

    You will know when it is time to start TTC again. There is no right or wrong to this. For me I was like Spring - I desperately needed to be pg again, but not to replace Cooper. I felt so guilty to Cooper for trying again so soon but I needed something to concentrate on each day, I needed a reason to get out of bed. For me, it isn't easy to fall pg and Cooper took 2 years to conceive so I knew that I needed to try straight away. It took us 5 months to fall with Ethan.

    I was like Spring, at each scan I struggled to see the difference between pregnancies because they felt so close together and it was hard to seperate the two and see another outcome. It will be tough being pg again but it also brings hope. I found it very hard going through another pregnancy because I felt like I had already done that part - all I wanted was a baby but with the wonderful support of the women in here I got there in the end. I also thought that many times I had these thoughts that were wrong, like wanting to try again but you will find that many women that have been in your position before you felt exactly the same way.

    You should not feel bad at all for wanting another baby, Alex would want you to and he would want you to be happy again. You can still grieve for Alex while wanting another child. I now have Ethan but that doesn't stop me from still grieving for Cooper.......that will continue for the rest of my life.

    xxxxxxxxxxxx

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