Trying To Conceive After Stillbirth/Late Loss/Recurrent Miscarriage August 2008

Hi Sue - if the others are happy for me to stay here...than I can't see why you can't. Join the Preg after Recurrent and Late Loss thread as well. I am in that one too, as is Tildy etc. I have not joined the BellyBuddy group for exactly the same reason you mentioned. I swing between getting annoyed by peoples' naivete or jealous of it...all at the same time. I just don't feel I could be open with other women who have not dealt with a loss like mine (or yours in terms of recurrent). I feel more comfortable in this part of the forum with other women who have the same anxieties. I think you will find that most women in the TTC after recurrent, late and stillbirth never move over to the Bellybuddy - which is why we have the pregnancy thread.

Paula - would love to hear about Dunk Island. I am sure it was amazing and relaxing.

Lan - sorry to hear Melbourne has such terrible connotations for you. Maybe next time you visit, we can catch up.

Helen - I would also book the holiday. You might find by 20 weeks that you need a break. I was away with work when I hit the 20 week mark, but I had already had the big scan at 19 weeks and I was having regular movement so that helped keep me sane. Move forward with the belief that all will be well and this baby is strong and a fighter.

Jo - how is work going? I hope the nights are starting to prove a little easier.

Tildy - I also read about your bleed and I just wish you didn't have this extra stress, especially with your DH away. I hope all is well and you get good news from the dr again. Please let us know how you are doing.

I woke at 3:45 yesterday and stayed awake until 10:30pm...it is amazing that now I have finished work I bounce out of bed in the morning! Definitely psychological. Hi to all I have missed.

Hi Jo - we must have posted at the same time. I can't help with tests for Madison but have you had all the blood tests done on you? I could have a look through what Mark Umstad (who you all know I think is wonderful) ordered for me, if that will be of any help to you?

Lovely to know that Jack was included on Madison's birth certificate. Did you register Jack when he was born? We did not have this option with Nathaniel, but it would actually have been nice to know that he would be included on our other baby's certificates.

Hiya ladies. I've just been to the OB and it was good news. Of course, I only slept about 2 hours worrying about the appointment (and about driving for the first time all by myself -- I passed my driving test Monday), so when I explained everything that's happened since the last time I saw this guy (he was the doctor that found the hematoma 2 weeks before we lost Beiron) the tears just ran and ran. He was nice about it, grabbed me a Kleenex and rubbed my arm. Oh, and this is the OB that was in a drunken university student orchestra together with my hubby, so I was a little torn between "oh, at least I know he's nice" and "damn, even more embarrassing that I haven't shaved my legs for ages" and "but heck, I've seen pictures of HIM naked".

Anyway, the actual news was: the placenta has moved up, so now it's just "low lying" (the bottom edge of the placenta just reaches the cervical os) and he saw no black spots that would be the hematoma. He suspects it bled out for good on Monday morning, when I had a teaspoon-sized clump of coagulated blood come out. This means that instead of having a "great chance despite complications" I am currently in the rather awesome land of current having "no complications". My thyroid levels are good (I've had hypothyroidism since I was 8) and they're going to test again in 4 weeks.

I think I'd be more relieved if I wasn't so tired, but it's also one of those times when the good news is tough to take. Just like when we first saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks, the feeling of seeing the baby ticking and kicking just sort of strengthens the terror about losing it.

I so know what you mean, Sue... I guess it's great that most ladies can be thinking about diapers and baby names, but I can't handle it yet. People are asking me about names all the time or about what I think about different pain solutions for the birth... I just raise and eyebrow and think, geez, I can't focus on those things yet. Or... part of me wants to, but I think I shove it down. DH and I act more like it's some sort of illness I have that has to be monitored.

I'm going to go back to bed now and get the sleep I didn't get last night. Then maybe... then maybe I'll take my new driver's license out to the baby store...

Hi all,

It's been a while since I posted, I feel like stuff has built up so it may take me a while to get it out!

My first week at work last week took a turn on Thursday when I ran into a guy whose wife was pregnant at the same time. He looked at me and said what did you have? I told him he passed away and immediately choked up. He looked completely shocked and just said I'm so sorry. I asked him how his was with voice cracking, he said good then I just about ran away, thankfully I was on my way out and cried all the way to my car and all the way home. Then this monday a guy stopped by my desk and asked how bubs was... I told him he passed away and he kind of looked awkard and walked away. I teared up of course but not as bad, managed to get to the toilet and compose myself. I don't know how he didn't know, he works in the same section. Thankfully from Tues-Thurs this week I'm on a course in a different place, but I used to work there for 4 years so I found myself taking creative routes to avoid running into people I might know. I have a meeting tomorrow with someone who was on the same course that I left halfway through when Edward died, so that will be very interesting. I find myself terrified of donning the maternity uniform, then everyone will know, it will spur more questions and if something went wrong I'd have to go through this whole issue again... even though I have a belly I'm considering going and buying a bigger uniform even though I'm only prolonging the inevitable and wasting money. I also don't feel like telling people even if we have a perfect 12 week scan... anyone else been through this?

We have our NT scan next Wedsnesday, am nervous of course but just hoping the placenta is in a normal position to give us all the hope possible that things will work out. Of course I fear the US starting and there being no heartbeat, but the bump is definitely getting bigger so something is growing in there!!!

Sue, I joined a birth club on a different site (like the format more and it was one I used before). I have Edward's details on my signature and I get the feeling, though it may be paranoia, that it makes some of the women uncomfortable. I don't care though, because it's a part of me I would never hide from (at least in the cyber world!) and also it's something that I feel needs to be less of a taboo. But I do find their naivity and obsessiveness over silly things to be difficult, but then I suppose I was like that the first time round. So do what you feel best about.

Tildy, sounds like good news!!! With your scan and almost hitting 12 weeks things look good.

Jo, my advice to you from my own experience is to get copies of test and autopsy results, question your doctor and also do your own research. I'm fortunate that all my medical records are available to me from the military medical centre, so I'm familiar with everything and it helps me feel in control and reassured that in most ways I'm perfectly healthy.

Helen, I understand your reluctance to commit to a holiday right now. You could go with your gut feeling then if things change you could cancel, I'm sure they'd understand. DH's family want us to go up to the whitsundays for Christmas, but there is no way I'm going there, I'm reluctant to go anywhere away from home during this pregnancy... I guess it's partly because I was away from home and alone when I found out about Edward, also because if anything went wrong I would want to deal with my doctor.

Hammi, hoping your move goes well and you get a BFO soon :)

Well, sorry for the essay, but this should do me for a while!!! I've been having conflicted feelings lately, thinking I shouldn't get too confident and feeling a bit detached, but then I stopped and asked myself honestly if this baby left me would I feel any better for having not gotten too attached, and the answer of course is no. So am making more of an effort to bond with my second child.

Rozzie - It sounds like you are going through a lot at the moment, and it all sounds very familiar. Just so you know, it took me a long time to tell people about this baby. In fact I waited until I was 15 weeks to tell my brothers and my dad (my mum and sisters knew). DH told everyone the moment we had the 12 week scan, but it was just too raw and emotional for me. I still find people who I am friends with that don't know and it is now a little embarrassing having to say 'Yes I am pregnant and 32 weeks'. I found it very hard to 'share' the news as I didn't want people to get excited and jump around, and I was also paranoid that the more people I told the more that would need to again be told if we lost this bub - which of course is a terrible and negative way to think...but hey I can't control my thoughts all the time. So just do what feels right. There is no set rule to these things, some people make their announcements at 8 weeks...and others like us wait. :hug:

Tildy - I am so glad that your latest bleed was nothing new and that your placenta has moved up. It is all sounding wonderful. And yes I understand how hard it is when people want to ask about names etc, when all you want to think about it how long until your next scan.

I am so sore, I have to go and have a shower to try and get rid of the aches and pains.

Hi everyone

Really quickly, thanks for your input into my holiday 'dilemma'! I now feel a bit silly! Just had a moment of panic and needed to come into here to hide I think. Anyway not sure what will happen, as when DH got home he was thinking about having some time out by ourselves anyway, and he said there would be about 10 people in this house, so I am not sure now what we will do!

Tildy - Wonderful that your placenta has moved up!!!! Great news on passing your driving test! Have a great 3 wks off too.

Rozzie - I felt for you today when your colleagues asked about Edward, I have just received an email from a girl that I studied with when I was pregnant with DS. Last time I seen here and another colleague I was just showing. She was asking about our beautiful bouncing baby:(, I still haven't had the courage to write back.

Katie - I hope you have had that nice warm shower and you are now nice and comfy!

Cindee & Sue - How are things with you?

Paula - I hope your holiday was nice.

Lan - hello:

& Jo - Last but definitely not least, :hug:. I am so glad they included Jack on Madison's birth certificate, what a wonderful treasure for all of your children. I hope I will be '5 months pregnant' in January!

Must scoot

hi girls everything is fine here, feeling ok which is good no MS for 2 days now .. see Ob again next week shes really good.. ok better go now its 2am and id better get some sleep. been up all night trying to finish assignments.. its so much fun :(

Everything feels so positive here at the moment. it's really nice to read through everyone's posts and see how well you are all doing. I don't think our lives are ever completely smooth sailing but one thing I love about all you girls is how you all appreciate the little things. I guess experiencing such heartache gives you a different perspective about what's important.

Helen, you have really thrown down the challenge on the garden. My in-laws arrive next friday and they are total green thumbs so i have enlisted their help (don't trust my own gardening abilities) and we are going to get Charlie's Garden up and running. The guy on better homes and gardens assured me on tv the other night that if i plant now I will have yummy tomatoes for summer. I'm not so confident but am going to give it a shot!

Cindee: you freaked me out with your passing out. Don't make us get all bossy on you. I am so white it is ridiculous but picture me right now doing that black woman thing with my hand and saying don't make me come over there and whoop your skinny white ass now girl friend.

Sue: I am so excited about your ticker and think that you are so brave for putting it up. Isn't it amazing how such a little thing can take so much courage. I bet all the other women who get BFP's can't wait to go and put their tickers up and yet for us it is such a big deal. Good on you. And as far as staying here goes, it should be us begging you to stay here with us. We need all you PG girls to stay here and give the rest of us some hope and inspiration. I for one would be devastated if you left so PLEEEEAAAASE stay!!!

Tildy: what good news from your OB appointment. Your ticker is so close to 12 weeks now. I know that 12 weeks is not quite the relief for us as it is normally but it is still a major milestone and will hopefully help you to relax a bit.

Rozzie: you are so close to 12 weeks too. I can only imagine how stressed you are about your scan next week. No-one on here is going to tell you it will all be fine, not because it won't be but because we all know that it is the wrong thing to say... but we are all hoping it will be fine like you wouldn't believe! If that counts for anything then you have nothing to worry about. The whole telling people thing is such a hard decision. Because of my earlier miscarriage I was like that when I was PG with Charlie. Even after my 19wk scan I was still so anxious I just didn't feel like going around telling everyone. The more I showed the more people started to mention it so I didn't so much as announce the PG I just stopped trying to hide it so much. The sad thing is that it was only a week or 2 before we lost Charlie that I finally starting telling people and getting really excited about it. I guess you just have to go with what feels right for you.

Jo: when I read your post about Madison's birth certificate I was so happy. I hope that doesn't sound inappropriate but its just that I had never thought about my next bub's birth certificate and to know that Charlie will be on there just made me feel so happy. Our angel babies are so rarely acknowledged out in the real world (that's what I love about this group, we talk about them no differently to our earth babies) it is just so lovely to have them recognised in such an 'official' way. Thanks so much for sharing that with us.

Katie: 32 weeks WOW. I am so excited watching your ticker. And all those beautiful aches and pains, how awful and yet how wonderful!! I feel like its the countdown on New Years Eve and we're all counting down the weeks with you and then when bubs arrives will all be tooting and cheering and for those of us who aren't PG having a glass or 2 of bubbly!

Well I thought I'd have time to fill you in on my trip but after catching up on what everyone has been doing I'm out of time. I'll be back this afternoon to fill you in.

To anyone I've missed, a big hello and hug!!

Woooh, I love logging in and finding heaps of posts to read.

Rozzie, you're having such a hard time. Being asked about your baby is like being punched in the gut, isn't it? It physcially knocks the wind out of you. Do whatever makes you feel better, Roz. Buy the bigger size uniform and don't go maternity until you're ready to. Your peace of mind is the most important thing for you and your bub now.

Tildy, fantastic news on your Ob appt. Keep moving up placenta!

Katie and Jo, I would love to catch up with you guys. I actually thought of it before the trip but didn't want to just throw myself at you and also I had two very full days of meetings. Next time!

Jo, that's wonderful that they included Jack in Madison's certificate along with your older kids.

Got to go, catch up with everyone else at lunch.

xoxxoxo

hey girls!
you were all very busy overnight. I have just been called into work earlier so had to pop on before i went!Luckily it is just 10 mins up the road!
Thank you all for sharing in my (weird) happiness re: birth certificate. I wrote it because for those of you who have had later losses i thought you may be able to do the same thing with your next babies certificates when ordered. I just wrote his name and gestational age then stillborn in the spot about previous children and they included him! so with your next baby certificate you should all def try to get your angels name on it! I think it has also semi helped in "closure" not that it is closure but i hope you all know what i mean as last night i really began to think about ttc. Depending where i am at and what they say to me at monash maybe dec we will try as i want to get to a natropath and go go on my folate again for about 2-3 months beforehand....ok, maybe that will the extent of my convo on that topic as i have just got teary! :wall::wall::wall:
mrs robbo -man, you put a HUGE smile on my face with your "picture me right now doing that black woman thing with my hand and saying don't make me come over there and whoop your skinny white ass now girl friend" - thank-you for starting my morning off with that! (even though it was strong advice to cindee -i just loved the way you put it!!!!) I love that we feel so comfortable with each other that we can go stern if ness! Because we care!!
hammi - I would make the time for you! next time....:dance:
cindee -2am!!!! please take care ok! Don't burn yourself out!!!:hug:
hgirs -you are not being silly - everything has much more meaning to us now!and we do tend to second guess everything! A holiday whichever way it comes will be good for you!
whichever stage of prep you are at! katie has been on trips galore it seems (to me anyway!) and look where she is now!:D
sue - hope you are ok and feeling good about all of love for you to stay with us!!!
rozzie -dh came home last night and said we have been invited to a party this sat. Only prob is that a couple who lost their baby on the same day we lost jack (they were 10 weeks) are preg again and have already been into work to show off her new belly (just before we lost madison) and i still don't think they know that we was preg or that we have lost another baby. I told dh i don't think i can go even tho the hosts are being really thoughtful about my emotions at this time -i don't think i could face her belly right now or having to explain why my emotions will be out of wack. its so bloody hard and it sucks that we are out in these positions after all we have been through already! I am happy for them and that things are going well for them this time - i just don't need to do the explaining. Take care of you, ok!!!! Do what you need to to look after yourself!
katie - i'll facebook you later re: your ob!
ok, have to go! i will, be late for work! argh!!!! hi to all i have missed!
have a great day! x jo

Good morning everyone,

Thank you so much for the lovely emails about staying. I am so glad you all feel that way. I feel that I know all you guys and that I feel so much more comfortable here.

Tildy - I am so so happy all is OK and congratulations on passing your driving test.

Rozzie - I am so sorry about the end of your working week. I must be so hard trying to explain all the time and bringing up emotions. Maybe your work should have advised people (especially in your dept) about what has happened, so that you didnt have to deal with that. I will be :pray: that your NT scan goes well on Wednesday and will be thinking of you.

Katiegirl - how exciting to have all the aches and pains.....

Lan - Your are not being silly with your holiday plans. We all go through these emotions, but you need to do what is best for you and DH. If you need sometime alone, that sounds even better!!!

Cindee - Glad things are going so well Have you still been fainting??? My god girl, get some sleep - 2 am!!!!

Mrs Robbo - what a lovely thing to do with the in-laws, I bet they feel so priviledge to do this with you in memory of Charlie. My DH and I put our tomato's in last weekend. So I await to hear of all the abundence of tomatos in the following months... he he he

Jo - I am so glad having Jack on the birth certificate of Maddison helped party with the closure. It is lovely that both little angels are remembered in such a simple way which is so important. With TTC you must be very emotional, which is totally understandable. Maybe focus on getting fit, healthy, see a naturopath etc and see how you feel in a couple of months. I must admit, I think the naturopath helped me in conceiving naturally this time.


Well with me, had another bout of severe cramping after bowel movement this morning. I ended up ringing the Ob and the secretary asked me if I had been eating cabbage or brussell sprouts etc and I said Yes, as I love this food and she actually said this could be the reason, as they produce a lot of gas...... I am so glad there is not bleeding with it!!!!

Well it is my DH birthday today, so we are heading off to dinner tonight to a lovely restaurant - looking forward to it.

xxx Sue xxx

thanks everyone:)
mrs robbo-- i might be skinny behind but my belly looks like im 5 months pregnant instead of 2 months. but it was pretty funny :) had to buy maternity wear already.

been busy studying and doing assignments as next wek is last week of school and ive got a lot to hand in. kids have been sick a lot this term so ive gotta catch up.. cant wait till chrissy that means no more study .. Yay
other than that ive got more blood tests today.. sooooo much fun.. just hope my son doesnt try to attack the pathologist while the needles in my arm again last time i had a bruise for over a week.
bp good atm. drugs are doing the job atm...
anyway id better go ive got stuff to do.. might go swimming later too its getting hot here...
be back on later..
hope everything is going ok with everybody..

Jo - don't go to the party if you think it will be too hard. Being faced with a pregnant belly especially if they potentially don't know about Madison could be very hard. Just do whatever feels right. You need to learn that sometimes you have to protect yourself and if that comes across as selfish...who cares! I am not sure I could put Nathaniel on the form you mentioned as he technically was not a stillborn because I didn't deliver him. I wonder if it matters all that much - I could just write his name and write stillborn and see if it gets through?

Hgirs - just thinking back to all the trips I have done this year (and yes Jo is right there has been a few) - there was one work conference I pulled out of because it was in Alice Springs and I would have been away from DH and my Dr for a week. I didn't fancy having something go wrong and being stuck in Alice so I pulled out - I was only about 14 or so weeks pregnant and had not told work etc. I have also managed to always plan Ob appointments prior to going away - for instand I saw my Ob and then went to Syd for 5 days (I was with my mum so that made me feel a bit safer). And your DH is probably right, you both would probably prefer to have some time alone rather than with 10 other people.

I feel so lazy today. The unit is a pigsty...I was hoping my nesting would kick in but no such luck. I have a lot of errands to run as well but the couch looks very inviting at this point. Maybe a cup of tea and some bad midday tv and then I can get myself moving again?

Now, where was I? Interrupted by work, once again!

Paula, you made me laugh out loud at the thought of you ballooning into a big black woman doing the "girlfriend" thing. So, was the holiday just what you needed? Did you get to soak up sunshine and relax?

Wooh Jo, I'm excited that you may TTC in Dec - with Paula and I :dance:

I booked in for "pre-conception counselling" with a Dr recommended by another forum member who saw him after her son was stillborn. The earliest appt I could get is 7 Nov so I definitely will have to wait till Dec. Sometimes I feel particularly hopeful and want to TTC right away but not a clever idea while selling/moving house :doh:!

So Katie, have you got the pregnancy waddle? Hee! Why bother tidying up the unit when you know that when you bring bub home you'll probably be throwing things around anyway :lol:

Lan - great to hear that you are seeing a dr and having pre-conception counselling. That is what my ob calls it as well, and I think it took close to 3 months to see him as well. He ran all sorts of extra blood tests on me. As it turns out I was already pregnant so my next appointment with him ended up coinciding with being 7 weeks preg. That first appointment gave me a sense of hope and I felt that I was doing something positive and it really seemed to help with my grief. I hope you like the dr and find him to be competent and compassionate (a really wonderful mix).

And yes I am getting a bit of a pregnancy waddle. I must look very attractive! I will let you all in on a secret (because I know you all do or will do this) - I still check the toilet paper everytime! I don't know if it is now just a habit or if it is still a paranoia thing.

Jo - I will call my obs office today to find out the rest of the tests I had done. You know we will all be right here to hold your hand if and when you decide to TTC again. :hug:

Cindee - I know you probably said already but what are the assignments for? Your ticker is moving forward very nicely!

Sue - I also asked about cramps and had to admit that it was probably severe gas! The things we find ourselves talking about. I hope you are feeling well.

Tildy - congrats on 12 weeks! Is your scan this week?

Rozzie - congrats also on 12 weeks. When is your scan? How are feeling - I am sure you had a relaxing weekend after your week back at work and all 'those' questions. :hug:

Good morning girls,

Hope you all had a good weekend.

Well I didnt have a very good day yesterday. I had some pink bleeding with bowel movement yesterday morning. Havent had any since, but I cried and cried all day yesterday. This is what exactly happened with my first loss and it just feels that it is happening again.

Had a bit of brown discharge this morning again with bowel movement, but not a lot and I have had lots and lots of bowel movement this morning - I have had diarrhoea!!!!

I dont go to my scan til Wed Week and to be honest, I know I should try and get it earlier, but I am not sure I want to know!!!!

Sorry girls, I always have issues don't I......

Lots of love to you all

xxx Sue xxx

Hi Sue - I hope you are ok and taking it easy. Are you resting up? Are you sure the bleed is not related to the bowel movement? That is a TMI question I know. I had small spotting at 6 weeks and it devastated me but it turned out to be nothing and it has not happened again. I also had bleeding with my preg with Nathaniel and it was about a week later when they think he passed away, so I do understand how the sight of any pink tinges is terrifying. I know it is scary, so try to rest and not over exert yourself. Scans are terrifying but they can also offer the most wonderful reassurance. Maybe call your ob and see what they suggest you do? I will say a prayer for you. Please keep us up to date with how you are doing. :hug:

Oh Sue - Katie is right, I hope you have been resting. I have had brown spotting with every pregnancy so far and only my 1st out of those developed into a miscarriage, so it can be OK, I know nothing will take away that fear, maybe you could ask your DR to do some bloods??

Girls I need you to cross everything you have for me too!! I had a temp drop to coverline 36.2 yesterday with some spotting, at 10dpo thought great all over for another month, but this morning my temp has jumped up to 36.7 still have a really small amount of brown spotting. So I am hoping like crazy it is implantation not AF on her wicked way, will see what tomorrows temp brings! Has anyone elses temp gone back up like that and still turned into AF?