TTC AFTER Late Loss/Recurrent Miscarriage/ Stillbirth Sept 2009

Gigi1 - I am so truly humbled and touched that you would remember and light a candle for my Amelia. Thankyou. I will be thinking of you too, and your DD will be close to my heart. It must have been heartbreaking to receieve that news, and the pain, and fear and numbess that soon set in. It's like your world just stops, and never really gets back to being the same, at least that's what I imagine.

I know you'll do what is right for you at the time.

That virus sounds yukkie. ( I know pull out the big words). Hope you are managing. Hopefully your recovery will be speedy. I suppose with all of those symptoms, you probably just feel like resting anyway? I know what you mean about the word herpes, it just conjures up.... well unpalatable images, where is chicken pox sounds much more benign ( even though its misery when ou have it).

Good idea to take some of the pressure off. You need to heal, and I want you to be better real quick.

Hi Ladies, It's been a little quiet in here..

Dory - Thinking of you and Amelia. The firsts are hard. I found that sometimes the anticipation was worse than the actually day, but then I had an experience last year, around Easter time which I didn't see as majorly significant yet around the time these overwhelming emotions hit me like a ton of bricks and I truly wasn't prepared for it.. Kind of like maybe how you feel with the events leading up to Amelia's birth. You focussed so much on the actual day, not the events leading up to it.. I hope I make sense. I find it hard to interperet words into text sometimes!

Gigi1 - I am so sorry you are sick. Doesn't sound nice at all. Just concentrate on resting and getting yourself better. I like what Dory said; At least you can't be quarantined from us!

Chez - Sorry you got AF.. I find it amusing when all of you ladies comment on doing too much, working too hard etc.. I NEVER have that problem LOl.. I do as little as possible! Anyway, take things gently!! Thats an order! ;) Lol. Hopefully the timing of AF is a sign of new beginnings.. I really hope its your time soon.. It's so hard everytime AF shows up..

Hi to Everyone else cmeglles, Bubo, Beata, Aries.... Hope you are all doing ok..

AFM - I have been on my herbs for 10 days.. I am on CD15 and NO AF YET!!! Nothing to get too excited about pg wise but obviously there has been some sort of change (even if it is a small change) in my hormones considering I was a 14 day cycle..

I have been doing OPK's but sometimes they are hard to decipher. On CD 9 I got 2 lines, but I was sure 1 was lighter than the other so not too sure whether it was positive or not.. I did another test on CD 12 and there was only 1 line, so definitely negative.. I have decided not to use them anymore (Didn't I say this last time???) because I just get too confused and I figure if we DTD anyway then I have nothing to worry about!

Apart from that excitement, we have to move soon, so I am trying to house hunt which is never fun and I am studying lots. A group of us from TAFE that I was also in the Aged Care course with get together and study. It's good because we quiz each other. I feel I learn more from that than just reading over notes or writing notes. Well Monday is my cleaning day, so I better get my butt moving!

:bluedust::pink-babydust: to all :)

Hi ladies

Gigi - I am so sorry that you are sick. Good on you for listening to your body and going to get some tests done. So often I think we just soldier on when we have non-descript symptoms and put them down to the stresses of everyday life. It is good that you found out before O time. Take care of yourself hun and rest up to recover real soon so you can jump back on the merry-go-round with the rest of us :hug:

Blessedatlast - what great news to find that you seem to have responded so well to the herbs and vitamins already! That's excellent. I hope you have lots of luck with the house hunting - I know it can be a tough job sometimes, particularly while studying.

Dory - I will think of you and Amelia and your family tomorrow. I know what you mean about thinking about events leading up to the angel-versary. I have been doing that recently and ended up in tears just again last night. I didn't expect to feel this way so early - I thought it would be much closer to the date in March. I really hope I can pull myself together for our 1st wedding anniversary dinner on Saturday night. I would like to celebrate the good things and not let the ghost of grief hang over us.

:hello: to everyone else. I hope your Monday has been kind to you.

AFM, I have decided to cancel my pap smear appointment for tomorrow. I just don't want to risk an irritated cervix just before ovulation which is due Wednesday or Thursday. DH is away for work from tomorrow morning until Friday afternoon so I have booked a flight to see him tomorrow night in Melbourne, and then I go back to work again the next morning. It seems crazy but I just don't want another cycle to slip by without having given it a shot. Now I just hope that my body co-operates and Os on CD11 or CD12 as I have done for the last few cycles! Cross your toes and fingers for me please!

Take care all
oxo

Chez - thankyou :) I like your sneaky plan. Pap smear can wait! It's funny about smear timing. I was due for mine this year, but when I was feeling up to it, and wasn't TCC , in one of my m/c appointments with the ob I demanded a smear. Seems it worked out for the best. No way I would consent to one now. Hopefully it works out for you with a BFP.

AFM - well today was my darling Amelia's first anniversary. 23 Feb 2009; 14:28; 455grams; 27 cms; 21 weeks on the cusp of 22 weeks gest, our brown haired girl. I can't and don't think of it as her birthday. That just doesn't work for me.

Today, wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. I was more affected leading up to today than on today. DH took the day off work and I am not working( one week of no work for me as of today!), so we slept in and snuggled ( no BD for me, way too scared) and then went for brunch and then a walk in the park and along the river. In the arvo we snuggled again, looked through our photos, shared some precious memories and listened to the songs we had played for the funeral service. In the end as sad as I am, the most significant memory for me today is just how much our precious girl was loved and how much she gave to us in those fleeting joyous but heartbreaking moments. I am so blessed to have been given such a precious gift. So today? DH and I honoured our baby girl by living, and remembering her. I had day reams of doing something more symbolic, but in the end, for me, it felt contrived and we did what felt right for us. Weird sometimes how the right thing just sneaks up on you.

Thankyou so much for all the love and support you've each given me. Thanks for reading about my day, it was important for me to share. It's weird, no one else ( family or friends) seems to have remembered, or if they did, they didn't say anything. It means a lot to me that you have each remembered and your words and support have really helped me through, every day, not just today. Take care.
_

Don't have a lot of time now, but I want to say hello everyone!

Dory-what a beautiful way to remember Amelia. Happy Birthday to her....(we are on a pretty big time delay here). It is nice to remember the love and joy along with the sadness.

Thinking of all of you.
I'll write more after I teach dance this afternoon!

Hi ladies

Dory - what a beautiful description of what sounded like a peaceful and honest way to remember Amelia. You have made me cry (again) but it is crying in recognition of how strong all of us in here are and what we have all been through. To be able to look back on this recent event and describe it as a precious gift is wonderful. I only hope that one day I will be able to look back and see the past the way you do.

AFM - we had our BD rendezvous in Melbourne last night. I woke up this morning and did the POAS thing for the my fertility monitor and would you believe that both sticks I took with me were faulty - so no test. But judging by my CM I would say that I am ovulating right on schedule - today or tomorrow. This is the first time we have been using pre-seed, and I had AP yesterday before the flight, so I am feeling somewhat hopeful, but not overly so. It would be nice if DH was around tonight just to boost our chances, but I figure we fell pg last time with only one BD on CD12 so maybe this time?

Anyway, time for dinner. Take care all
oxo

Hi everyone! I woke up this morning to 6 inches of snow! It is beautiful and keeps coming down.

Gigi1- how are you feeling? I know my body gets all out of whack when I am sick too. I think that is normal. I am so sorry that it means you have to wait out this cycle. I think it is great that you went in. Too often I keep going until I am really sick. and don't worry about CMV, although it is in the herpes family---it is estimated that almost 100% of adults have caught it at one time or another. That is just crazy! Anyways I hope you are starting to feel better.

Chez- so nice to have a getaway for BD! Did you get to a nice romantic hotel? So sorry it was a short trip..... and so annoying that the sticks you took with you were faulty. Sounds like your chances are good! My fingers and toes are crossed for you! I think it was a good call to delay your pap. I really hope this is the month for you hun!

Bubo- A very delayed welcome to our thread. I am so sorry to meet you this way, and I hope the TTC journey is short. I have found this thread EXTREMELY helpful and supportive---I hope you do too.

Dory- How are you feeling? I think it is great you are taking off of work. Taking care of yourself can be a full time job.....there is a book called "To Full Term: A Mother's Triumph Over Miscarriage" that is a personal story of a woman's successful pregnancy after her losses, and describes her bed rest. I loved the book and thought it might be some nice reading while you are relaxing if you want someone to relate to. I also want to say that this is also my favorite thread! I belong to a few others and none of them are as positive and supportive as this one---which really is what I need.

Blessedatlast- How are the many supplements and formula taking going? Are you still doing a food diary? Learning anything? Sometimes I feel like I should start doing that....might help me to learn lots about my eating habits....but I am too lazy I guess. How is this cycle going for you? O?

beata- After your post I broke down and used the last of my OPKs. They were nearing expiration, but helped me figure out that I at least had an LH surge and hopefully things work out. How are you?

So seeing my friends daughter was truly wonderful. I was so nervous, but it made me realize how much I want my own child and how much love there is in my heart for a baby. The hardest thing is that DH wouldn't hold her---I didn't quite realize it then, but he also didn't hold our son and later told me that the first baby he holds he wants to be our healthy crying baby. It just pulls at my heart strings.

On another note, we finally got a framed copy of the poem "Child of my heart" that we had commissioned to be written in calligraphy around our son's footprints. We both love it and feel that it completes out home.


AFM- I am on CD15, looks like I O yest or today (my temp hasn't increased as of this morning). DH and I are having lots of fun this month. I also added some other things to try and focus on me and being low stress and healthy-- I got a massage on Monday and one a week ago. I am trying to relax as much as possible. DH says that he thinks it is helping. He went and looked up tips for him to TTC and has implemented them into our 'routine'...I find this adorable. I love that he took the initiative--sometimes I forget he wants a bub as much as I do. I am hoping the stars are aligned this month and we get into that 25%!

Sending you lots of babydust! and hugs:grouphug:

Hi Everyone :)

Dory - It was lovely to read about your day remembering Amelia... Sounds like you had a lovely peaceful day. It's shame no one else remembered (or acknowledged) the day. How did that affect you? I didn't give people a chance to forget, I sent a letter with suggestions how to honour Taite and Seth for their 1st birthday.. A bit forward maybe, but I knew I would be really upset or angry if no one remembered or acknowledged them so this was my way of making sure that didn't happen! I probably wont do it again though..

Chez - A baby making rendevous sounds romantic!! I really hope it works.. Imagine telling Bub in years to come how he/she was concieved!

Cmeggles - Glad seeing your friends daughter wasn't too painful.. Good luck this month. It's good to know your DH is on the same page when it comes to TTC.. Sometimes I wonder about DP as he expresses his feelings very differently to me (or not at all!) and sometimes I have to get that reassurance that this is what he wants too and he's not just along for the ride..

AFM - well still no AF.. Only on CD19 though so nothing exciting yet.. I'm not even sure if I O'd because I had what looked like a thermal shift but my temp dipped again. (Or maybe that means I did O, but just didn't concieve??) I am really confused and this is only the 1st cycle of temping so I need to be more patient I think, have a couple more cycles before I try to analyse it.. Umm.. Yeah right I analyse EVERYTHING to do with TTC!!

Bye for now :bluedust::pink-babydust: to all..

Hi everyone,
Just a quick and selfish post today I am sorry. I started reading all your messages above and realised I just wasn't taking it in. I am sorry and I will make it up to you all.

AFM- Yesterday was the day we looked back a year ago to when we first heard our DD's heartbeat and then shortly after told she was going to die. Today, 1 year ago is that day our lives changed so dramatically. You know when you look back and you think, at what 'point' did everything change? It was then. Before that moment, that day, we were filled with blissful joy, anticipation, love and such happiness. Pride too, we were so proud of DD, of us, of me.
Oh bu55er, i think i have to have a couple of goes at this. I will be back later.
I miss her so so much. xoxo

Hi ladies,

I wrote a big post last night and lost it, agrrrrr!!! So will be quick this time, I don't have that much energy. The reason why I have not been posting is that I am absolutely devastated to have found out earlier this week that my beautiful pussy cat Pooky is dying of terminal cancer, so it's just a matter of thime before I have to put her out of her misery. I am so dreading this day, and I know it's very very soon now.

Foe quick personals....

Dory, I hope Amelia's angelversary was as peaceful and as gently to you and your hubby as possible. Big hugs hun :hug:

OMG, so sorry ladies, I don't know what happened but I posted with my signature attached, I didn't mean to! Stupid computer!

I'll just keep on going in case I lose this post...

Dory, sorry my post to you got cut off! I hope your're travelling well and you're keeping yourself sane. Look after yourself and take it easy hun.

Blessedatlast, I don't like the 'two line' OKP's, I much prefer the digital ones although they are a lot more expensive. You can get a much cheaper one at Priceline. At least with the digital one, you either get an empty circle indicating on ovulation or the happy face telling you it's going to happed within 24 hours I think. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed for AF staying away hun :pray:

Cheryl, Cmeglles, praying this month is successful for you ladies :pray:

Gigi, I'm so sorry hun, it must be so bittersweet to remember the day when you heard your DD's heart beat and then being told of the devastating news. Big hugs hun, thinking of you. I hope you're feeling better too hun, and I'm so sorry about those speeding fines. Ouch!

If I have forgotten someone I'm sorry, will try to catch up with everyone soon.

Big hugs and lots of :bluedust: and :stickyvibesgirl: for all my beautiful friends in here.

B xxx

Beata,
Hun, thank you for you lovely thoughts.

I am so sorry you have to face this with your Pooky. I feel the same way about animals although we have dogs...they are members of the family, and they think they are human because often we treat them that way. Heaven forbid they find out they are dogs. It would break my heart too to face that decision. I hope you get to spend lots of precious time with her before her time. I hope she is spoilt rotten with all your love. Be gentle and kind to yourself. I wonder what new adventure lies ahead for her in another life.
Thinking of you sweety.

Dory,
Thinking of you hun and sending you love and peace. Everything you did was perfect as you already know . xoox

Blessedatlast,
GIve yourself some time hun, it will all be clearer. If isn't then try something else. I find with temping, THE most important thing detrimental to accurate temping was taking your temp exactly the same time everyday. When i first started i used to just take it when i woke up but that varied and my chart was a bit of a mess with no real clarity. It was only when i started setting an alarm to temp at exactly the same time and then going back to sleep, that i managed to get a chart that was trust worthy. It was a lot tidier and i could be more certain that it was accurate. Good luck hun...unfortunately while it does become habit it can also rule your life a bit. Try to have some fun with it if you can....easier said than done. I did it for years and drove me mad if i didn't have a break from it.

Cmegles,
Sounds perfect hun. I hope you get into that 25% too hun. How adorable of DH, and a massage....you have got the recipe alright. Sounds like all is working to the clock. My fingers are crossed for you both.

Cheryl,
How damn romantic!! Love it. You know your body hun better than a stick does anyway. HOpe this month was the right amount of all crucial ingredients...love, excitement, timing, willing participants and a wish bigger than two of you. Good luck, sounds promising!

AFM,
Doing a little better today. A bit stressed over finances but hopefully that will figure itself out with some tightening of belts for the rest of the year. Does rock your boat when things aren't as you thought.
Praying to see DD in my dreams. I just have an overwhelming desire to see her. I sleep with her ashes still and although that often helps calm me, I still long to see her. I wonder if she is starting to walk, if her hair has grown, what noises and words she is trying to say. I wonder what her favourite foods are.

Anyway, I know she is with us in spirit. It is not enough, but we have that.
Love to you all, sorry if i missed anyone.
HM xoxo

Hello ladies,

Sadly I have found myself in need of some support, and I was wondering if I could join your thread.

Our first baby was stillborn at 22 weeks, about 2 weeks ago now. DH is back at work and I feel as though I should be moving forward and starting to feel a bit better, but I'm still struggling to get my head around what has happened.

I am still completely shocked and devastated, but I also want to conceive again as soon as we can. I am not wanting to replace our little boy obviously, but I'm completely terrified that we will never be able to concieve and deliver a healthy baby. So I think that in some way being pregnant again will help.

I am really confused about when I will start ovulating again and be able to try, but I guess I just need to let my body recover and start to function normally again.

Anyway, hopefully I'll chat to you again soon
x

Dear CharlieB,
Of course you may, I am just so sorry you need to to be here.

You lost your baby boy such a short time ago. No doubt you are confused and shocked still hun. It can take time to hit you. Only you will know how best to handle your grief and I hope you find comfort. No one will be able to tell you when the time is right. You sound quite grounded sweet but be gentle with yourself for as long as you can.
As for Ovulating, we are all different and if you had not problems before you could almost be sure that you will start again as soon as AF starts again. I guess i would be wanting to be sure there was nothing retained and cycles are functioning normally (your normally) before starting again.
Your body will take time to heal hun.
It is a very real fear that 'what if you can't conceive again', and especially if you had challenges the first time which i hope you didn't. Would not wish it on my worst enemy. It is one of the hardest things to do is to surrender. Do what you can, all you can to be healthy and happy and surrender. I am not so good at letting things just 'be'...i fiddle.

I hope you find peace and space to make your decisions.
Love Hm xoxo

CharlieB- Welcome to our little thred, I am so sorry about your little man :hug: :comfort:
You are more than welcome here and you will find that the lovely ladies here are wonderful and very suportive. I don't know what i would have done if i didn't find this site when we lost our little man. Good luck with your TTC journey i hope its a short one. :hug:

Charli B - my heart just aches for you. I am so sorry about the loss of your little man. Wow 2 weeks. Everything is so raw and surreal at 2 weeks. Please know you are not alone. In my mind there is no such thing as a replacement baby. You will tcc when you know its right for you. I started after 1 cycle after my m/c at 21 weeks. Ob approved too! I ovulated somewhere between 14-21 days after the m/c - hopefully your cycle gets back on track very quickly. I would like to write more to you right now, but am feeling very spacey. Go gently with yourself, you need to heal emotionally. Take care and write soon, I would like to know how you are doing. I will write more when I feel coherrent. Take care.

hi everyone :hello:

im hoping im in the right spot........

basically i delivered our little boy Gus on the 20th jan at 22w1d.......
i have since been diagnosed with cervial incompetance so when i get preg next ill be having a cervical stitch done at 12-13 weeks......

we have just decided to start TTC a brother or sister for Gus, and hopefully ill be O-ing sometime in the next 10 or so days, not sure what my cycle will be like so ill just assume it could be anywhere from 26-34 days and cover all bases......

im so sorry to hear of all of ur losses, but in a way im glad im not the only one out there who has felt what i am feeling, and its great to have people who can realte to what im going through.....

looking forward to getting to know u all....

Thankyou so much for the welcome, and the wise words.

And hello to crumpet, I'm so very sorry for the loss of little Gus.

I have been into work for a few short hours this week, which has been really difficult - being anywhere where people all knew I was pregnant is a real struggle. And I still find it really hard to concentrate on anything, is this normal??

I'm really trying to not overthink things, or look too far into the future, just trying to have some better days amongst the grey days.

There seems to be alot of amazing women in here who have battled through the hard times, you are all very inspiring. It's good to be able to get some good advice from people who have been through something similar.

Thanks again,

CharlieB
xx