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Thread: TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth ~ #3 2010

  1. #1

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    Default TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth ~ #3 2010

    If you have found yourself in this forum you no doubt have had a painful journey. TTC after recurrent miscarriage/stillbirth or Late Loss takes special courage and support. The aim of this forum is to provide a place where women who have endured loss can share their stories, friendships, treatments and triumphs!

    My greatest wish is that you all leave this forum with nice big fat positives in the shortest possible time!!!



    I hope so much that this month is YOUR month.

    If at any time you'd like to make a suggestion, or provide any constructive feedback for this forum, please contact one of your following moderators:

    Rouge
    MistyFying
    Alternately you may contact Kelly (however she may take a little longer to respond at times!).

    Their email addresses can be found here.

    We appreciate all your feedback as it does help to make our forums a much happier, relaxed place to chat! We will always take your comments seriously - all comments are treated confidentially...

    You will find the previous thread HERE.
    Last edited by Phteven; March 16th, 2011 at 09:54 AM.

  2. #2

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    Hello Lovely Ladies.

    tashybabe - I am so sorry you (or anyone) finds themselves here. But I hope you can find some comfort in the hard times. I know, I dont express myself very often, but I found alot of comfort realising I am not alone, There are many different stories and none quiet feel as bad as your own, but all in all, we are all suffering the loss of our child/ren. It binds us in a way no other parent (who hasnt lost) knows. Actually, I do think it kind of binds us all in a way we cant even fathom.

    Nothing will change the yearning for the void that little Leo left in your life. When Matthew passed, all I wanted was to have what other mothers were complaining about (sleepless nights, exploding nappies etc etc) I wanted my new carpets pooed and vomited on. I wanted Matthew despretly. I can certainly understand the gender side of things, we decided to TTC straight away, even though I had gone through a full term pregnancy, and it was really going to take 3 months to have my body ready. And now a few days after knowing wether this is the month.... and I have a excited / petrified feelng. Close freinds ask me if I have a preference, or if I am trying gender swaying. I too thought Matthew was a girl, and was actually a little disappointed when we found out otherwise. Now I would like nothing more in the world than a Boy... as maybe he carries matthews Spirit with him. There is a thread on here somewhere about spirit babys, it is a good way of thinking and helped me make the decision to start again. Spirit baby Please take the time to read, all I know is it helped me think this way, when I was lost in the fog.

    Kateo - I am sorry your having a rough month this month, try to keep your chin up sweetie!!

    Powelly - GL for Thursday, dont you love all the testing and prodding... AND YAY for the positive attitude.

    AFM - Well I am in the last 4 days of cycle, and as I explained I do think this is our month. My temp is still up over 37.3 (as of last night. Cramping this morning though, and generally ill. I dont get symptoms with my pregnancys, but who knows. My SIL had her baby on Friday, and I was gutted. but excited at the same time. I have decided to give them a wide berth until start of November when I know if we have been successfull. Also, I have been finally diagnosed with PTSD (port traumatic stress disorder, directly related to the labour and birth of Matthew. I am thinking about posting my story, not sure yet though.

    Baby Dust to all.... (I have a feeling a few of you will be joining me on the journey with me this month..) or is that being too positive...

  3. #3

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    Thanks for the welcome ladies. I might not be around much as we're not TTCing yet, but I can live vicariously through you

    It's good to know there are people who can relate, even if the circumstances are different.

    Beata - thanks for your story about your two sons. I think I'll probably want a little boy until I find out it's a girl, then I'll love her with all my heart. And if we have a little boy, that would be wonderful and I'll try not to project my longing for Leo on him. And hopefully it won't harm him if I do.

    Powelly - you're right. I do have 1000 things going on in my head, not least of which is missing my son. I know each child is different and will be loved for themselves (hey I'm a 3rd child, so it must be true). Maybe I'm overanalysing things. I do really feel part of me died with Leo, so I won't be able to offer future children my self as I used to be. Hopefully the woman I am now will be good enough.

    Tess - I also want the bad nights and the breastfeeding problems my friends are going through. In fact I reserve the right to whinge about them as much or more when my time comes I've read Spirit Baby - it's lovely. I guess my job is to get as healthy as possible for the next pregnancy, try not to freak out too much during it and love whomever comes with all my heart. Fx this is your month. I hope you're getting help for the PTSD. I found writing Leo's birth story incredibly difficult, but it did help to get it out there. See if you can write it for yourself- you don't have to share it if you don't feel up for it. But if you do, you'll get a lot of support. Have you seen the thread for debriefing traumatic births?

    Unfortunately as it turns out we are carriers for a genetic disease that Leo had, we have a 25% chance each pregnancy of this occuring again. We're waiting for Leo's DNA to be analysed to see if they'll be able to provide prenatal testing (via CVS) in future pregnancies. I hate to think about it, but if this reoccurred, we would not continue the pregnancy. We could never put another child or ourselves through this again. So we need to feel strong enough to risk that before we TTC again.

    I hope everyone else is going well.

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    Tash, I am so sorry hunni about the genetic disease. I really hope you can get the help that you need when you decide to TTC. Just a thought that popped into my head, and please tell me if I am way off base, but would you ever consider IVF where then can screen the embryos so only the ones that are not affected can be put in? I know IVF is not for everyone, although I didn't find it that bad-not physically, but harder emotionally.

    As for a part of us dying with the loss of a baby/child, you are so right hun. I will never be the same person I was before Josh, and I have to admit I often wondered if I could love Cam as much as I love Josh, but once Cam was born I was just so happy he was in my life, my heart filled with so much love, I often wonder if I could possibly love another human being any more. And hun, when you have your earthside baby, you will be the best mum in the world, you'll see

    B xxx

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    Hi Beata. The problem with IVF PGD is multiple. They may not be able to create the probe to test a single cell of the embryo. It could take years to develop if they could (and we don't have years). Fertile couples have the same or worse chance of conception with IVF PGD, as the IVF process is the same, but the embyros may be defective. And the deciding factor for us - they can only test for one thing. So assuming a whole heap of things lined up and we produced an embryo that was unaffected by ARPKD (the genetic disease), the baby could still have chromosone or other issues and we may find ourselves in the same painful position. Weighing up probabilities, possibilities and our own emotional strength, it's not something we'll pursue at this time.

    We still have 75% chance of an unaffected baby. So when the time comes, we'll close our eyes, wish on a star, cross everything and hope we get a healthy child.

    I think anyone who's held their child in their arms or dreamed of holding their baby knows just how important it is to have a baby. I have friends who choose to remain childless and they'll never understand this bone deep yearning for children. Which is fine for them, but not for us. I suppose it is like I could not understand why some people choose to have a large family until Leo was born and the love that came was amazing. Then I understood why people would choose to do it. We won't, but I can understand better now.

    Like no-one who's never lost a child can understand the agony of it.

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    Tashybabe-I know that yearning. I had it for 8 years before Ellen (she was stillborn at 41 weeks) was concieved and now I have it worse (which I didn't think was possible). I am very sorry to hear of your genetic problems.
    It might help you to hear that I totally chose to disregard the %'s and statistics. I believe we are all individuals and by that these figures mean nothing in our reality. I have chosen to ignore the %'s I have been given for falling pg. I suggest you believe in yourselves not the statistics about your genetic issues.
    I never wanted to become one of those crazy women who were obsessed about having kids, but sadly I have.
    In other news I have changed FS. WOW, what a huge difference! The new FS actually checked me thoroughly and asked lots of questions and didn't pigeon hole me. I am so so sad we did not go to her in the first place......
    I am doing another tracking cycle this month and feeling more positive.
    Powelly- I hope the testing and prodding gives you the answers you need.

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    Kate - that's great news that you were able to change FS so quickly and he/she is so much better. I hope they treat you well. You're right about ignoring the numbers. We are not just a statistic, Leo was not just a statistic. He was a very loved little boy. His siblings, when they come, will be very much loved as well.

    Tess - hope your temp is still up

    Powelly - hope the test results give you some answers.

    Not much here. We've had confirmation that all the samples are finally in the UK for testing, so we're on a wait for those results - hopefully we'll have something by Christmas. Otherwise I'm just tracking things to see if they've returned for normal. I even bought some OPKs because they were on sale. From memory the Forelife ones are OK? I know the Frist Response OPKs are useless. My temps are all over the place, but then I'm having trouble sleeping, having insomnia, not waking at the same time, so it's not very accurate. It doesn't matter for now but when I TTC, it will be more important.

  8. #8

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    Morning Ladies

    Kate - I am so glad you were able to find a new FS so fast and so far you are more confident with her your post definatly does sound positive. Sadly, with childless mothers I have started to see what we all have in common is the "obsession" to concieve is incredible. I know I have had to step back a few times, as stressing will get me no where. All the best for this month, I am hoping this is a good tracking month for you. Please dont be too sad about not going to her first, hindsight is a rotten thing. Even though I know we all carry it.

    Powelly - GL on the test results.

    Beata - I too will neer be the same person I was before losing Matthew. Little things seem so insignificant now. For example, the morning I went in to labour, it was a slow progress, and instead of stressing everyone out I went about getting my youngest ready for school. Now, I cant believe how stressed I was about it, but I growled at him several times for using the FULL FLUSH on the toilet when going for a pee. Can you believe that??? Telling him about how high the water bill was this quater. My My. For some reason THAT sticks in my head, he didnt know I was in labour. (he is a worrier). I am almost ashamed I was like that before Februrary, but now, you know what??? I really couldnt care less. Life is far too short, and you never know what tomorrow brings. Things that change your life in an instant.

    tashybabe - I hope you get results before Christmas. Fx for you. If it helps at all I am doing my OPKs and my temps at 4pm. Also making sure it is a resting temp. If I did it in the morning I would be in the mid 40s I am sure. HAHA hubby is an oven. OK in winter but come summer.... OMG

    GiGi - I hope things are well with you. I know you have been off and about. But I am thinking of you.

    AFM - wow as I am typing this I have just had my first coffee for the day and now I feel like vomiting it up.... Anyway, D Day today, AF due to come knocking. My temps did dip down to 36.9 on 8dpo but then slowly started rising again back to 37.6 last night 12dpo. I am reading my body very closly and maybe I shouldnt. But I cant help it. A few days ago the negativity started creeping in about this month. Now I am back on the fence about it. I have an awfull coppery taste in my mouth, that I have never had before. OH I forgot to mention, I have been using the cheapo Pregnancy tests that I got from Ebay. My friend is starting to think they might be faulty??? as they keep showing Whats your thoughts?

    I have my second appointment with the phsycologist today. I am skepical about the process, but I am going with the flow for now. Thank you Tashybabe for directing me to the birth trauma section. There is so much in this forum I have not even seen and I thought I had delved pretty deep while I was lurking. I did a bit of a lurk through there, I will have a better look shortly.

    Anyway fx everyone in the hope that AF stays away. I am sick of the sight of her, a break of about 9 months would be nice.

    to all

  9. #9

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    Hi Y'all!

    Sorry for very quick post, just wanted to let you know all the results came back fantastic. The ob/gyn said nothing indicates a problem and that we have probably just been "unlucky". So we just try and try and try again! My biggest hurdle now is my head... starting to doubt my mental ability to continue on this journey. I keep visualising the end result but argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! I think I'm just having a bad day and AF (the nasty *****) is giving me hell! Hugs to all :-)

  10. #10

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    Powelly - Thats FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you are having a better day. God knows I have those days. You just think of the end result and it just seems so foggy. It is hard to keep confidence with your ability to trudge on. But we need to huh?

    AFM - I am being driven INSANE. These cheapo Ebay tests are still showing me a BFN when I am now 3 days late. and I am NEVER late. GAH........

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    Powelly - test results sound great. I hope AF has calmed down.

    Tess - that must be frustrating. Maybe it's time to break out the big guns and buy a First Response?

    AFM - I finally got an +ve OPK, so am waiting for a temp rise tomorrow or Friday. I know it's kind of a waste of money, given we're not TTC yet, but I'm a control freak and I need to know if things are working. Also, I got them on sale - 7 for $10 at priceline, so I can justify that.

    We caught up with friends over the weekend for lunch. Their baby girl was born 2 weeks before DS. It was nice to meet her and hold her, but it was difficult too. DH's friend was asking lots of qustions, trying to understand what we're going through. I don't know, it felt like an intellectual exercise for him. I know he meant well, but it's really hard talking about our son like that. Then "Somewhere over the Rainbow" came on and I lost it. I had to run down to the bathroom and have a cry. We played that song at Leo's funeral. I was embarassed but at the same time, I don't want to feel like I need to apologise for missing my son. Then later that night I had another meltdown. I think keeping the defences up when we see people takes energy out of me and the longer I do it, the worse the meltdown afterwards.

  12. #12

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    Hi ladies

    Tashybabe - I just want to give you a big hug hun, you need to be kind to yourself. It is still so recent since you lost little Leo, that it is not surprising you had such a meltdown. It would have been very hard to have been around your friend's baby, and it is quite natural for you to feel overwhelmed. I found that songs triggered me as well, and for a while I only listened to the news channel, or channel surfed when a song came on that triggered an emotional response in me. You are so right about taking the energy to be around others which ends up in a big crash. I found accepting that as part of the grieving process made it easier for me. At least your friend acknowledged your pain and maybe he thought having you talk about it might help him understand and therefore help (guys want to fix things) and maybe help you too. Many friends of ours, and family, have never spoken about Ryan to us again after the initial 'telling'. I used to think that was because they were uncomfortable about it, and they probably were, but also because they thought we didn't want to talk about it, and we didn't for quite a while. I am not sure when that changes, but it will, and I can now talk about him to close friends and family without collapsing into a dark hole for days after. It will happen for you too. In the meantime, do something for yourself that makes you happy, even if it is just to see a movie, or walk in the park, something that makes you smile - it really helps the soul.

    Powelly, that is great news from your ob/gyn. Now it's time to think lucky! Sending you lots of babydust!

    Ladytess - how are you going hun? Has AF stayed away for you? FX and stickyvibes coming your way.

    Kateo - great news on the new FS. It can make a world of difference having someone you can relate to and respects your questions and concerns. I wish you truckloads of luck!

    Gigi - hope all is well with you hun.

    AFM, sorry I have been MIA... we have been so busy but I have been thinking I must let you all know what's going on. Pick up was Monday and we had great results and 2 blasts were transferred Saturday. We will have some frosties in the freezer as well as a backup, which is nice and a first.

    So I am PUPO! It was quite emotional for me, so I am very glad to have had acupuncture before and after the transfer as that really helped with my emotions. I spent the afternoon lying in bed watching a movie and eating some amazing pastries that DH picked up - he's fantastic! We are both very happy that we went down this track.

    Anyway, hugs and babydust to all!
    oxo

  13. #13

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    Ok I have a lot of catching up to do. I feel like i have been hooked up to this computer all day. All worth it to chat with you ladies.

    Where do i start and i hope i don't miss anyone.

    Dory and Beata- Nice to hear from you both, dropping by- you both have such wisdom and love to give.

    Kate- Love- what a horrible experience with your carers. I just can't believe that. I respect you might have moved on and I am catching up. I am just struck with astonishment that they got away with that behaviour. I am SO SO glad you have found someone else and even more perfect for the job. What a blessing in diguise!! You don't need to stand for that previous rubbish. I second Cheza's words!! If any comfort to you love, I am petrified of needles and hospitals. I was set up for a home birth for DD before it all went pear shaped. I keep a stash of Emla cream in my fridge for jabs when I am not pregnant of course. I always end up in tears for needles. I am a shocker but it is a real big fear for me...that and the dentist! I am not very fearful of anything else really...ok maybe there are a few more things...but hey I am not loopy either hun. I am as normal as it gets. So you are not alone there.
    Great advice re the % and stats hun. I have always said...when you are on the other side of that sort of thing and the stas have 'touched' you, they mean nothing. Life is a game of chance, and we can make of it what we want. We are all unique...i hear you- well said love.
    I am sure Ellan is real proud of her mumma!

    Chez, Hey love, Hope you are hanging in there hun. How did the assignment go? Been thinking of you and your journey. Sending you lots of love and luck. xoxoxo

    Powelly, good on you for taking that month of rest hun...good on you for welcoming it. Now you are even more ready to throw yourself back in. Great news on the results love and hope it gives you the boost you need to tackle this head on. xoxoxo

    Tash- i just read your story on Leo hun, beautifully written with such strength and grace. You are incredible. I really felt your moment, your love and your pain, as much as anyone can without being in your shoes. What i mean to say is, your heart was open as you wrote and it was just awe inspiring. So so normal to have those feelings re boy and girls. You will find it is exactly the same as before Leo but with more gravity. I wanted both, found out we were having a girl and fell in love with the idea. The day we found out she was a girl was also the day we found out she will not make it to the end. She would never breath, run and giggle like other little girls. Losing her, I couldn't imagine anything other than having a girl. I had the same fears or replacing her but i knew that was not a reality. We are not all crazy and these thoughts in time make sense. I was not ready to start straight away...we made love for the first time on her EDD. We were not ready but we knew it was not goig to be straight forward for us so we started trying anyway. We figured that we had the pressure of time, sooner was better than later for my endo and my body. Spiritually we were not ready until we would have been shoudl she have survived. We can see now and comfort ourselves by thinking that we needed this time with her...she fills our life. It is the same as if she survivied and we were having a second living child. Some can do that- we couldn't. I think I would have collapsed. So she would be of an age now that I could consider having another. That is where we are at. I have always been told that our next child will be a boy. A part of me aches for a girl, I ache for my DD. I have also known the love of little boys as full on as my nephew has been. I see that i could love a little boy just as much as a girl. I just miss my little girl. She will never be replaced but i do crave to know exactly what i am missing. Sometimes i crave that grief. It is as close as i can get to her.

    I part of me died with DD too hun. I get that. I am different now. I hope a better person with just as much to give, but what i can give has changed. I found myself recently getting all upset and angry. Our week in melbourne, was fantastic by the way. It was also a challenge and a week of self discovery for me. We have not spent a lot of time with these people in a while and they are beautiful and loving people who will be in our life forever. A lot has changed for us since our times with them...i found myself being quite judgemental and angry at how they and their friends are so obsessed over things that used to have some importance to us. Image, who you know, what you know, where you eat, what you do....honestly who gives a s....! I got so upset at various times of the opinionated rubbish that people carry on with about such shallow things. WHO CARES! Says she who is being quite judgemental and opinionated here herself! Oh dear. I just feel that life is precious and love is paramount.

    I agree with TEss. Who cares what someone is wearing or what they do for a living and whether or not they can hold a rubbish conversation with big words! Ha...got that out now didn't i! What i mean to say is...I get you! Now i will leave the exclaimation marks alone and move on.
    Oh and i agree on the comment you made re spending time with others can be so draining of strength. I have learnt about myself that to exist in the world as other would like me to means i have to spend more time alone and with DH honouring us and our life with DD. If the balance becomes too much out of kitler, it all falls apart and I find myself in troubled times. Finding your balance takes time. I try not to resent others for not wanting to exist in our world, not even for a minute but i cant' wish that on them either. It is a different existance -life after losing a child. It can get lonely and very isolating.
    Wishes and hugs to you hun. You are just incredible. xoxoxo


    Tess, Yes that spirit baby book is a great read and a huge comfort to us too. PTSD is not recognised in parents going through this nearly as much as it should be. You are doing so well and I am sure Matthew is fluttering by you for every moment. I hope you get to take your time with your new role as Aunty- congratulations by the way. It is a bitter sweet situation and I hope you have understandin around you at this time. Your comments on life are so well writen and well put- i totally and passionately agree as you might have read above.
    Thinking of you.

    AFM- Well I am having a bit of a rocky couple of days here. Missing my angel like crazy. Dumbfounded still that her name is rarely mentioned and all but on one occasion, we are the ones to bring her up all the time. My SIL was saying some things...not mean, just not thoughtful to how it might feel for me...last week. I have got used to grinning and bearing it. Nothing is said that warrants a blasting or a few words, but it still cuts. The things that are said put a big spolight on the huge reminders to us that DD is not here and not a part of other people lives as we would have hoped. However on this occasion, she walked away to change my N's nappy, and came back with a tear in her eye. She said she was sorry to not include DD in her words and that of course she is a valid member of the family. She said she tells My N of her all the time and I know that might not be true but it was lovely to here. I just broke down into tears and thanked her. She said she understand that there is never a day that we don't live for her and she said i was such a loving mum to remember her the way i do. I really really needed to hear that.
    I am legend aunty on call for babysitting and cuddles, chats and fun times. I am proud of that. I am also a mum but my relationship with my child is different to theirs. I talk to them about their babies all the time no matter how painful that can get. It woul dbe nice to have one or two conversations about our child. I was really grateful for that, someone else giving time, energy and tears for our DD. That is rare now. I thin I am a bit anxious coming up to Christmas. When this year is gone, I can no longer say we lost our child LAST year...more time will have passed. I miss her so much and Christmas is hard. I will make her a stocking for this year and we will do what we did last, add a note each day for her and read them out on xmas day. All the thougths and gifts we would have bought her leading up to that time. We will jsut e alone that day again. I think that is still what is best for us.

    Anyway- we are still on track for stalk delivery and all is good in our world. Busy week ahead. I am not sure why we get so busy towards the end of the year...it is like we are in a rush to complete everything under the sun. That is fine. A new year and a new baby is on the way. Lots of good thing to come. Girls thank you so much for all your love and support, understanding and friendship. Love and hope to you all.

    LET'S DO THIS!!! Contract signed!

  14. #14

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    Hey Ladies!

    Just wanted to say hi.

    Nice to have you back Gi! And sounding as positive as ever. Throw some of that my way hun! Fingers crossed for you. 2011 is going to be our year!

    Chez, I'm interested in hearing more about the acupuncture? It's something that interests me as since we lost our bub, I've experienced ongoing anxiety and I'm sure it's not helping my crusade of having a sticky baby! Does it hurt? How long etc? Sending positive vibes to you!!!

    Ladytess! Way to keep us hanging! How did you go? Did you end up getting your BFP? I always recommend using the good tests rather than sending yourself crazy squinting at the cheapies.

    Tashybabe - take care of yourself and nurture yourself. It's still so fresh and you just do what you need to get through this time of grief. As for the OPK's. I use the Ovunow from ebay an they are brilliant! I've used other cheapies and they have been crappy but Ovunow (or Ovutel) are good. They are green sticks.

    AS FOR ME! Well, AF finally left me (after 11 friggin days!) and we are on track to TTC again this month even though emotionally I'm not sure I can throw myself in 100%. That sounds terrible but it's too exhausting getting my hopes so high. I don't even want to POAS anymore because if I miscarry again so early, I'd rather not know. To top it off, I've had a nasty cold/sinus infection for the last week and it's made me feel pretty dreadful. BUT, have to remain a little optimistic!

    Hope you are all doing ok.

  15. #15

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    Hey Powelly,
    Good riddens AF. Glad she is out of here hun. Do rest up sweety, you sound run down and exhausted. It is so so tiring- not many understand that, you will get to the other side hun. I promise. Your body might be ready and raring to go but your heart needs time to mend. Travel easy hun and just have some fun and loving times getting back to the swing of things. You are so so brave hun. xoxoxo
    I am an ebay Ov stick user too. Thay have been good for me. xxxx

  16. #16

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    HELLO LADIES

    Well I am rising from the depths of disbelief and Sickness to finally be able to post. That fat cow turned up 3 days late, I was absolutly shattered. I was SO SURE!!! I know we just keep moving forward but I am finding it harder every month to find the enthusiasm as it take so much out of me by the end of the month.

    Right after this however I was introduced to my new neice, (she is very very cute) but the damage I didnt know that was going to occur was when I got there I found her mum had that nasty Gastro bug. I was in my element, my mother instinct took over, I had my newborn. I was doing everything for her except the feeds as my sister in law was too scared do to much with her in case Ally was to get it off her. I did this day and night till Sunday. I didnt feel the tugging till sunday night, My arms were empty again I was shattered again. Then of course the bug had to hit my house.... so we have been in lock down for the last week.

    GiGi - I know how you feel, as time goes on matthews name gets mentioned less and less, in circles you would think he would be mentioned more than most. You see it in peoples eyes when they realise THEY have forgotten. A look mixed with guilt and "when is it going to be like it was" you feel like shaking them and saying, it will never be the same NEVER NEVER EVER. Then if we are talking to others, and we are talking about births or kids etc, and we mention Matthew? you can see then shift uncomfortably. I realise they are not sure what to say, but i am not stopping speaking his name just to make everyone else feel comfortbale. Thats why I got my tatto, it isnt hidden, everyone can see it because it will never be "put away" His photos is on the tv unit with his ashes. I refuse to pop him away to make people feel comfortable.

    Powelly: Gosh 11 days???? she really outstayed her welcome this month didnt she??? I can so understand your words when you describe getting your hopes up and how exhausting it is... I think this last month was a eye opener for me. For the first time since Feb I sat there in tears thinking what am I gonna do if I CANT get preg again? and the thought itself just ripped at my heart. I cant even bear to think of it. But I am also tired, it has only been 6 months of trying, but for some those six months are an eternity.

    Chez: you sound wonderfully relaxed... Good on Hubby with the pastries... WOOT

  17. #17

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    Hey Tes, hun. i am so sorry. It is terribly exhausting and there are sweet moments we forget how so -until we are slapped again with a BFN. I am sorry babe and I hope you find all the time you need to rest. I hear you are neices and nephews...I feel the same pull/tug with mine. i love them so much and it is so so bitter sweet. I love that they exist but i reminded more and more what we are missing the more i fall in love with them. I look after the 2.5 year old atm once a week but it will switch next year, he will go to day care and i get his little brother for two days a week. He will be 8 mths and beautiful. It will be a challenge but one i have to face. I love spending time with them. I will see how i go, i won't force myself to battle through if it gets too hard. You are such a gorgeous mumma hun taking care of your neice like that. Your Sis/SIL is very lucky to have you. We are the aunties that rock!

    Well ladies I am a bit glum. I got up this morning after bad sleep- 2hrs and I have had it. I am so tired of this and I am at wits end. I will not give up just before the end...but i need to get this off my chest. I surrender! We are giving it all we have and have faith it will be enough.
    Just a pre warning and hopefully i have caught it in time...but i am a little close to the bottom again and it is frustrating. I just went to chiro and said...you know what, lets just concentrate on health and forget fertility...the two come hand in hand, but for one day i want to feel like a person and not a broken egg manufacturer with ever issue under the sun. I have had it and enough is enough. I am tired to trying to perfect myself.
    There, i said it. Right now I am off to create something pretty on my sewing machine.
    Love and hope to all xoxoxoxo

  18. #18

    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    Rural NSW near ACT
    Posts
    413

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    Sorry I haven't been about for a while......been very busy,
    Lady Tess, sorry to hear the 3 days late wasn't better news. It's so hard the way we get our hopes up then they are shattered. I know the feeling.
    Gigi, I reckon the plan to treat yourself as a whole and try for health instead of concentrating on egg production is a very healthy mental choice. I wish I could get to the place where I can decide that. You are so brave looking after other peoples kids, actually so are you Tess.
    I haven't held another child since Ellen died. She is the last baby I had in my arms.
    Powelly, we too have been told by the new FS that probably timing has been the only problem.......hopefully she's right. God luck to you and I'm glad test results are good.
    Chez, how is everything going? Hopefully you are feeling pg and all is wonderful.
    Tashybabe, I did tracking last month (with old FS) and had to do heaps and heaps of blood tests......about every 2nd day. We live out of town so this meant a 45 min drive to a clinic and then I didn't speak to the FS after the results but instead spoke to the nurses! Then had to wait for ages if I had questions. I live out of mobile range and often work out of mobile range so contact is complicated. The blood tests did show some interesting info and we are tracking more clearly this month (new FS) less blood tests and taking temp. Doing tracking is really good tho, my accupuncturist uses the temps to help guide her treatment too. This month I am taking progesterone after ov to try and boost things along...... In case you didn't know the blood tests for tracking are bulk billed so there is not and expense other than time. Perhaps you could suggest this instead of trying to rely on ov tests?
    AFM as said above tracking this month and have just ov'ed .....in new FS's words take hubby home and wear him out.......odd but it seems a hard thing to do to ask for it until your hubby says "please stop" rarely do they say "please stop"! hehehehe ....... now I am taking progesterone and have another blood test on Wed to see how that is going. I have been amazed that my FS calls me after blood tests and talks about the next plan....so so much better than the old one!
    I am basically in TWW. Have had my parents here for a week so heaps got done 'round the farm......my 72 yr old dad misses his farm since he's retired and always goes nuts when he's here. It's so wet here that I can practically watch grass grow........perhaps this feeling of a wonderful spring is a good omen.

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