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Thread: TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth ~ #5 2011

  1. #1

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    Default TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth ~ #5 2011

    If you have found yourself in this forum you no doubt have had a painful journey. TTC after recurrent miscarriage/stillbirth or Late Loss takes special courage and support. The aim of this forum is to provide a place where women who have endured loss can share their stories, friendships, treatments and triumphs!

    My greatest wish is that you all leave this forum with nice big fat positives in the shortest possible time!!!

    I hope so much that this month is YOUR month.

    If at any time you'd like to make a suggestion, or provide any constructive feedback for this forum, please contact one of your following moderators:

    Rouge
    MistyFying
    Trish
    Alternately you may contact Kelly (however she may take a little longer to respond at times!).



    Their email addresses can be found here.

    We appreciate all your feedback as it does help to make our forums a much happier, relaxed place to chat! We will always take your comments seriously - all comments are treated confidentially...

    You will find the previous thread HERE.

  2. #2

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    And she is ....first over the line......(pant pant), I wanted to be the first to welcome a new thread and a fresh start for all of us.

    Moi-CD24 and hmmmm....waiting. As one does on a TWW.
    But busy busy busy.

    Hugs to all. xoxox

  3. #3

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    Good luck in the 2ww Gigi1!!

    I'm still a silent stalker. I'm going ok. It's coming up to 24wks. I'll be glad to get over that milestone.

    Sending load of to all..

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    Thinking of you Gigi. Baby dust for your 2 week wait.

    So excited to read about our kateo finally receiving her earthside bubba.

    How is everyone else??? Sorry I have been AWOL, but I am stalking and watching with much interest.

    23 weeks tomorrow..... And anxiety is rising. I am glad I have an appointment on Wednesday, just to get a little reassurance.

  5. #5

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    Hi all. How is everyone

    Dory - I hope you're feeling better. That sucks people are not being sensitive. You're right, I am weary. I feel like I've spent so much time just sad and grieving. Which is understandable but I need to be able to develop some kind of life irrespective of the pain. Good luck TTCing this month.

    Gigi - you must be getting so excited about getting your pup. I hope the TWW is treating you kindly.

    BAL & Lady Tess - I hope you're staying sane. There's so much waiting to do but you don't want any excitement in subsequent pregnancies. Dull, boring, uneventful and healthy is what you want.

    AFM. It's now 12 weeks since we said goodbye to little J. I miss our little boys so much. I should be 35 weeks pregnant today. Crap, I just realised, Monday will be 35wk3d, which is when L came, and on a Monday too. Well, it seems I am just tripping over dates I wasn't even anticipating.

    I feel like I should be better. i can't remember what I was like 12 weeks after L died. I centrainly wasn't back at work. I was hoping to be back at work by now, but it just doesnt seem to be working out that way. I suppose having 2 babies die in a year means it is logical grief etc would be worse, not better. Somehow I was thinking I would be better at it this time. Afterall, I've been down this path before. Wouldn't it be easier by now?

    Fathers Day was dificult but we got through. DH seemed OK. He got a couple of lovely cards. My sleep improved, then got worse after Fathers Day.

    We're seeing an OB next week for a pre-pregnancy appointment. I spent a day going back and forth, writing up our history before emailing it to her with a copy of L's autopsy & DNA results. It's depressing going over their births and deaths. But I'd rather she had a heads up before we go in to see her. This is all a way to see if we like her and can work with her and get on her client book. OBs book up so fast. We're still very happy with our IM, but given everything we've been through, we need access to Fetal Medicine people and I want a NICU nearby if we ever end up birthing a live baby. I handed my dream for a homebirth up to the universe as an offering for a healthy, living baby.

    Have I mentioned my paranoia? I wont go back to the office as there's an electrical substation in the building, about 5 metres from my desk. As we have no real answers as to why we've had 2 babies in a row with fatal, unrelated conditions, I am avoiding EMFs as much as possible. I'm eating less processed food, turning the wifi & powerpoints off at night, all sorts of things. We may never know why these things happened to our boys, but I'm doing what I can to prevent them, if possible, in future. I just need to remember to eat....

    Sending loads of babydust

  6. #6

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    Tashybabe - you are doing fantastically in my books. What you have been through beggars belief.
    No wonder you are paranoid - I would be too - you can't help but look for answers to your many questions & to try & ensure you never have to go there again!
    Glad you & DH got through Fathers Day ok & hope you cope ok with the upcoming dates.
    Anyway, just a quickie from me tonight - much love, peace & babydust to all x

  7. #7

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    A quicky from me too ladies. How are you all.

    Tash I completely get the paranoia...been there hun and often still visit. Here if you need to chat more about it. I will be able to type more tomorrow. Wonderful idea for your ob babe, getting all your info together prior...you are an 'ideas girl!' xoxo You have had a full on time lately love and you are doing so well with it. As well as can be expected. Huge hugs. xoox

    Tess, Blessed, and MT2- gla dto knwo you are all still hanging round. Love and hugs to you all.

    AFM- Sorry i have not great news. AF arrived and kicking my butt today. Went to see a movie tonight and regretably ate too much **** and now i feel horrid. Why do i not learn. Anyway, got some yoga in before discomfort got too bad. Going to watch some tv now and chill.

    The last couple of days have been great for my photography though. I got to take some newborn shots of a friends baby and did a short course where i got to learn some night time tips. I got some fantastic shots of the laser show on the river. Some of night traffic. One of which i might even get to sell. Very exciting. i posted a couple and I am gob smacked at the response from people. Made me feel proud and surprised at how far i have come. I have got more to learn...anyway that is me for tonight.

    I am gutted to the soul and tired of this battle tonight...weary of it all. I just don't know. What more must i learn, how much stronger must i be.
    We talked for the first time in a long time today about fostering and looking into it further.

    Love to all and thanks so much for your well wishes. xoxo





  8. #8

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    Oh Gigi, I'm sorry hunni

    Tash, big to you too lovely.

    Just big all around.

    B xoxoxox

  9. #9

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    Gigi. That really sucks

  10. #10

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    Tash and Gigi:

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    Gigi - I am gutted for you too love. Hugs & hopes for the month ahead x
    Off to a nice restaurant tonight for DH's bday tomorrow.
    Taking the little people also - DD is all dolled up in a new dress for the occassion - bless
    her attitude filled little socks xx
    A big HI to all x

  12. #12

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    Gigi - I'm so so sorry. The journey is tiring. I just wish it wasn't so unfair..

    Tashy- for you too. I hope your sleep starts to improve again for you. The grief is so hard to deal with alone, let alone when you can't sleep. Regarding your paranoia, I doubt anyone who knows what you have been through would not be understanding of that.. Paranoia too is a horrible thing. You need your sleep and strength to deal with that too. Are you getting any help for lack of sleep?

    Mummytotwo - the restaurant sounds lovely. Hope you have a great time!

  13. #13

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    Thanks guys. Hugs of gratitude to you all. I wish i didn't feel like such a fraud. Resting up today...reading, chilling. oxox to all

  14. #14

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    Not coping. DH is away for work. I can barely get out of bed.

    It's just so hard. I dont want to feel this kind of pain all the time. I'm not sure I can get through.

    I want my little boys

  15. #15

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    Oh Tashy, sweety. It is just so hard. I am so sorry you are in the depths of such sorrow right now. I know it will get better for you. I wish I could pop round to see you, let you cry, tell me your story again and just to listen to your pain. Why don't you write it all down in here again...your feelings i mean. It doesn't matter if we have heard it before. It can just hep to validate how you are feeling.
    It is only natural that wound was going to be so raw again when you have had to revisit those recent memories doing those reports for the OB. I wish i could take it away but then a part of me doesn't. Your pain and heartache is in direct relation to just how much you loved your boys, the dreams it took to create them and the legacy they have left behind. How could i diminish that. What do you think you could do to feel a bit better today? Just today? A bath, a shower, a takeaway and delivered meal, a movie, a massage, a certain food, a certain phone call. Even to look over your things that belong to your boys, photos, blankets, memories....anything to feel closer to them. Light a candle and have a little chat with them.

    I am thinking of you hun and I am working on my computer should you ned to chat furher, I can pick up your posts quickly. xoxo Hugs dear friend. xoox

  16. #16

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    Ask your beautiful boys for help. I know they are not far from you and I know, their love has such incredible power. Maybe they can help you and then just listen to your intuition for little messages from them in the things you do. Know they are there. I know too well that is not good enough and you would much rather them driving you mad on this earth...They are there, hun, they are with you. They feel your love and they love you.

    Have you thought of speaking to a Medium? Please excuse this question if it is not your beliefs. I don't want to insult or be rude. xoox

  17. #17

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    Thanks Gigi. I'm going to try to go for a walk around the block. Staying in bed crying only works for a short time. I just miss them both so much. It's getting close to J's due date. I really thought he'd be ok. I was so sure he was healthy. He was such a busy boy, kicking mummy all day. Rolling around. So busy. My mummy instinct is completely ****.

    I should have been able to keep them safe. I dont know why they both got so sick. We loved them both so much before we even knew they were here. I dont understand why. I know that's a kid's question. I just wont ever understand. Why couldnt our little boys be healthy. Why them?

    I have so many friends due in the next few months. There's a group of us, all due 1 month after the other. I should be getting ready for J's arrival, anxious as we get past L's gestation, wanting baby to cook a few weeks longer, but not too long. Maybe come at the end of September. Not grieving for my second son, dead for 12 weeks, his ashes in the bedroom with hus brother's. I want to be happy for my friends. I do. It's just they're having their second baby, whilst mine are both dead. I feel like crap. I am happy for them. I'm just sad for me. I'm sad for my DH who was made to be a father. I'm sad for our boys, for the lives they miss out on.

    It's not easier the second time. I dont know why I thought it should be. It's harder. It's so much harder.

    I saw a 'medium' 7 weeks after DS1 died, which was a mistake. I am contemplating hypnotherapy for life between life regression. I'd like to understand the choices I made coming into this life.

    Thanks for letting me get it out. I'm a mess atm. I should have a shower and get cleaned up. I'm just so bloody tired of all this.

  18. #18

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    Babe, i was so similar. I thought my 'mothers instinct' was completely **** too. I thought, how on earth can i be so healthy and this happen. How could we want and desire this so much and it all go wrong. We both put so much energy into being healthy and we could not have loved our baby more...why was she taken and HOW did i not know things were going wrong???
    I comfort myself with believing that i was not meant to know until i did. I would not have enjoyed the pregnancy with DD as I did and maybe it would have ended if i had known earlier...not by my choice, but maybe the advice given to us would have been different and maybe we have had different choices to make. I believe that DD knew it was important for me to give birth to her, to know that she was a girl, to have felt her move, to be home in AUs for her birth...to spend time with her, loving her, loving my pregnancy and believing in life again, having hope in all things....just a little bit longer until I lost it al again.

    I don't think it is a kid's question...but we all have our inner child at times like this asking exactly that. We are taken back to raw, honest, niave, innocent questions and no answer seems to ever be good enough. There is no reason good enough as to why we lost our babies.

    All of your words ring true to me. A life not lived, is not fair. I don't want the privilege of being a 'special parent' with the ashes of my child in my bed, by my pillow while others lives seem to move along a much lighter journey. It is not fair.
    I will say this....you have plenty of time down the track to be happy for your friends. Now may not be the time, now is time for you and your boys. If they were alive you would be spending time on them with not a lot of time for others. I suggest you take the same for now. You can be happy for others but for now, it is important to be sad for you. You have a lot to be sad about. Enjoy your walk love, and your shower and just let your tears fall. Sunglasses might be handy. The heart wrenching hell of grieving for your boys will ease over time as you find ways to integrate them into your life. It takes times as you know, it is not the norm.

    Here if you need anything love. Come in as often as you need to and vent what ever raw emotion comes to mind....if you need to be more graphic, feel free to PM me. I often swore my head off with anger...still don on occasions. Thinking of you and sending you a huge hug. xoxoxo

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