TTC after Recurrent Miscarriage/Stillbirth or Loss after the first trimester Sept '07

jlk- I am in awe of your strength. Actually, all of you... my loss seems so little when i read your stories and I am just now accepting what happened. I am sorry for your loss and proud of you for getting the pictures developed. Its easier to live through this almost like its not quite reality. But real love and real loss is what we have. In a way, our angels gave birth to us. A new us that takes not a single minute for granted. (Even when those minutes drag on in the two week wait) As for blubbering... I have learned these past few months that chocking back tears may make the rest of the world feel better... but it gives me indigestion.

deb - its fantastic to see you, i can't speak for everyone but don't think you would be hurting us by seeing your ticker, because most of all you give us hope.

cece - welcome, hope to see you around a little more, well called on the indigestion, why should we be afraid of emotion just because everyone else is, we have been through more as women then anybody should have to go through.

Klee - I'm due to O sometime this week, Dh & I have decided to just keep trying until it's time to see the f/s, mind you, if I don't shake this mood of sadness that i'm in at the moment there won't be any bd'ing! LOL!

CeCe - thanks

well good luck hon, just keep your chin up, it is going to happen.

howdy everyone. like Flowerchild, i hope not to hurt anyone by being here. i just have grown so close to you all that it pains me to leave. but i will in a heartbeat if it would ease anyone's pain. please just let me know.

Jo- it is so difficult to look at those photos, isn't it. i finally did, and it took my breath away to see him so hurt. good on you for your courage! good luck this month. with the caveat that i don't know much about any sort of medical topic, a friend of mine whose dh has not such good swimmers is getting a catheter of his sperm to help them get up where they need to go. apparently, the success rate isn't as great as ivf, but it is a bunch cheaper. don't know if you have looked into this or if i am sticking my nose where it shouldn't be. i just wish so much for you.

CeCeSays- i hope you join whenever you wish for company - not every post must be extraordinary. or if it does, i am in severe violation of that rule! but, now, when you post - you made me cry and laugh in the same post! i cried to think of our angels birthing a new, better us and i laughed at your description of indigestion at choking back tears. so true.

i'm a bit stressed today, dh was just diagnosed with skin cancer. they can take it out at this stage in an out-patient surgery, so it is all good as possible, but still stressful. i don't have the same capacity as i once did to just assume all will be fine.

auntie m - oh hon how difficult a time it must be for you, like you need a bit more stress in your life, thinking of you and dh and praying that all will be okay.

just a quick update, i hope this is ok, let me know if its not, still no af, i have dr app tomorrow either way so if it comes i will just have a check up and if it doesn't we'll find out either way. also have accupuncture, so hopefully she will be able to help too. also finally going to meet my niece, haven't really thought about it too much, which i think is the best way to be. anyway i wont be back til monday as we are going to df's parents house for the weekend, nice and relaxing which should be just what i need, hopefully will have an answer by then. thanks for all your sticky vibes and wishes ladies. i soooo hope and pray this is it.

Klee - Why would it not be OK? Fingers crossed that AF stays away, I so hope this is it for you hun! Enjoy your weekend!

AuntieM - Thinking of you & your DH! Oh & you are always welcome in here, where would we be without you! lol!

thanks jo, i just wasn't sure if you or the other ladies wanted to hear it, not feeling overly confident though, trying to remain calm, although i usually go pale in the face the night before i get af, and that happened last night, also had a temp drop this morning, not a huge one, but significant enough, had a similar one 4 days ago, the test was darker again this morning, probably twice as much as yesterday, so i really don't know what is going on.

Of course I want to hear it! LOL! I'll have everything crossed for you!

Hello ladies!!!!

AUNTIE M I am so sorry to hear of your Dh health scare. I hope all the results come back ok. Hearing news like that makes me want to go get all my moles checked!! I hope the stress isn't too much for you both and i am sure they will get all the yucky stuff out of him. i understand your lack of confidence in bright futures, it is so understandable.
Good on you for taking your first steps in antinatal care. There will be some tough choices for you to make, my advice is to go with your gut and try to make yourself feel as comfy as possible with your decisions. (as hard as that might be)
i'm glad you liked my spirit idea- i thought you might. :) Are yu getting the new Dr, Who? i never watched the original but i have started watching the new one, he is travelling all over the place doing cool stuff with Martha(?) Pretty cool.

And BTW- PUHLEASE dont leave us, and the same to FlowerChild- your tickers do not scare me one little bit, they make me hopeful and happy and confident that one day i will get one too!!!! As i said to the ladies in the preg thread who have had their babies and are now feeling unsure where they fit- We are a group, and we are just at different stages in our journey- we need your support as much as you need us still, as a group we have helped eachother to get where we are and this will hopefully continue when we are asking advice on how to deal with our teenagers in many years to come!! I am sure i am not alone when i say that the friendships i have made in here are irreplacable, they are one of a kind and they are based on our unified desires and hopes and the fact that we are all here for eachother, whatever stage we are up to. For us to have you girls disapear just beacuse you are preg or you have had a baby means we loose that support that we have relied on for our peace of mind. I am starting to get teary now, everyone in here is so special in their own way and i think we need to stick together for a long time to come!!
And KLee, that goes for you too darl- we want to hear your good news, whether it be early days (i know how are feeling right about now- but i have more faith in you this month then i had in what was happening to me last month) and you are unsure what is going on- THATS WHAT WE ARE HERE FOR!! If you dare ditch us because you are preg, i will hunt you down and find you. You can not get away from me that easy!!! LOL

Gotta go do some work oh but before i forget,

CeCesays- i totally agree with the idea that our angels gave birth to us- i looked at it that i was honored that my angels chose me to be the one to carry them - even if it was only for a short time. But that they picked me for that journey and that should make me feel special, not sad. I must be able to handle whatever is thrown my way or they wouldn't have picked me for the job. And hey- if it was all just so i could meet you gorgeous ladies, i can accept that. I had a little day dream that somehow Mel and i were meant to meet (as our stories are fairly similar) and i pictured that maybe if our children had been born that they may have met eachother and brought us together that way- but that this is how it happenend, but that they are still our connection. And that can go for anyone in here really. Especially all of us with our angels leaving so close in time. If they had all of lived- there is such a possiblilty that they would have grown up to meet eachother. Instead we all know they are together where ever they are, and they have still brought us all together. Another little spurt from me. Hope you like it. :)

See ya all later
xox

p.s. Have to share some TMI- DH and i made up for our slackness in Bding- i got him twice this morning!!! Sorry, had to share!!

Kattixoxo

Personally I like seeing tickers for pg mums of angels. It is hopeful and inspiring and a significance to seeing as how we all share a loss and know the feelings and would then also know the worries... hmm not too good with words today am I lol.
Can't stay as DH is on his way to pick us up to take to his mums and we have to get in the car soon as he gets here
so bye for now and big hugs, baby dust and sticky vibes
Judy

Thanks everyone for your help. I didnt read it until today and I am a little more calm today. Went to dinner and movies with DH last night so it was nice and relaxing.

Spoke to OB and he said that levels constantly change, he said that he would still say with confidence that the antibodies are what caused Nicholas' death as they are still definitely there. He said he feels that we can rest easy to a certain degree as last BT the levels were low and the recent one they were even lower. He said they will always be there, but he doubts that they will skyrocket and become extremely high levels. He said that there is no indication for daily Hep injections during the next pregnancy, but he said that without a doubt aspirin is still something I will have to take. He said that he doesnt believe the antibodies have anything to do with me not getting pg and so I have as good a chance as the next person with this cycle of IVF :pray: So I feel a little more relaxed now... for now!

Klee - Dont even question whether we want you to hang around in here or not... this a TTC thread by the way - the aim is that everyone get UTD, and its harder for some people than others but still the aim of the game kwim. Personally I think you are UTD, Friday will tell for sure but if you have a line on several HPTs and they are gradually getting darker... well I just dont think you would get so many false positives. Any still have :crossfingers: and cant wait to hear the good news. Good luck with seeing your niece today, its gonna be hard but you are such a strong person and I know you will get through :hug: Have a nice weekend away but I will still stalk from afar LOL

Kat - Sent you text about my OB convo. How are you feeling?

Flowerchild - Thanks for your help, dont feel that you cant come in here just cause of your ticker. To be perfectly honest, I really miss the people who used to post here all the time and now dont, it kind of makes it more obvious that I am behind the 8-ball iykwim.

Lynn - I know Nat would have posted, have you heard from her? How did your scan go? Was *Hope* co-operative this time? LOL

Aunty M - I am so sorry to hear about your DH skin cancer, as much as they say it is going to be ok of course you will still stress :hugs:

Jo - Well done on getting Storm's photos developed, it took a lot of strength. How do you feel now? Are you ok? I hope that you fall pg before your FS appointment arrives and you can be on your way to that healthy bubba.

CeCe - Thanks so much for your help, Im glad you will be able to join us more. Just for the record though, we welcome anyone who needs support - you dont have to have made the decision to TTC, you just need to fit into that sad criteria or late loss or recurrent m/c... I so wish none of us fit in but unfortunately we do so we can all help each other get through :hug:

Cessie - Thanks to you too, and same goes... I will definitely give you a yell if I need info. My OB has put me at ease a little, but as I said FOR NOW

Ellie - How you going out there? Where are you up to? All these things are so confusing to me. Your probably used to them by now, and can predict even what I will be doing before I do it.

Well lastly from me, wanted to share something from another naive person... Where I have worked this week a couple of women are expecting grandchildren (one on leave and emailing them so thats kind of ok) and one of them has her daughter being induced Friday, so yesterday they were going on and on and on about it and in the end the opportunity came up so I said "I had a baby last year, but he died" (hoping that it would make them think a little more before constantly talking about it). I didnt say how or why or anything just that the baby died. So the woman who is expecting her granchild on Friday (oh and this daughter also has a 2 year old and is planning the 3rd before the 2nd is even out) said "actually I know how hard that can be because it took my daughter a long time to fall pregnant". I just looked at her and thought the argument is just not worth it. They were sympathetic but I just couldnt believe that people could be so ignorant. It really makes me :angry:

OK well on that note, im off to stalk clean :rolleyes:

Hi Judy, sorry missed your post whilst writing my novel :p

I agree with you about liking the tickers from angel mums, not such a big fan of the others but its life and you get that, but yeah definitely after knowing what someone has been through its nice to see that they might come out with a smile on their face at the end - like Spring :)

Have fun picking up your MIL, is she staying the weekend?

SB - LOL missed yours too - I agree with you, I think that our angels have brought us together. And remember, your coming down for Nicholas' birthday next year so we will meet in person ;) Hows you ya animal! 2 times in one day, thats just not on for a married couple :cryinglaugh:... Well at least thats what I tell DH - I have no sex drive whatsoever at the moment, the poor guy is dying :redface: I keep putting it down to stress and the IVF treatment but I dont know if thats it or not.

Oh mel, you poor dear! We thought that by telling them they may have some consideration for you- but to say what she said was a little bit insensitive!! I am sorry, but as traumatic as trying hard for a long time is- it just doesn't scrape the surface of holding your angel in your arms and having to say goodbye. I feel for you Mel, i really do. Big hugs from me!!
Just got text- i dont know exactly what my level was/is/hasbeen- he just said it had "cleared up" I will have a look when i get home at my original test to see what level it was, and i will ask the dr for a copy of my last one and i will check on the next one. I guess tho that it is like you said, one of those things that may pop back. And i totally KWYM about how you are feeling concerning Nicholas and if if that wasn't ACa then what was it???? But i guess the ob answered that for us, we did have it, but now our levels are just not as high. And i will definatlely be taking aspirin for precautions ONCE i get a BFP. Not feeling anything this month, if anything i felt a little tender in the belly all month, so i have been laying off trying (except this morning!! hee hee) too hard. I am also unsure how i will go with my dates this month coz i was late last month so im not sure what will happen. Just playing it by ear at the moment.

SOmeone asked about tickers.... if you google lilypie and follow the instructions its quite easy,(took me a couple go's to get it in my sig, but the actual making of the ticker is easy!!) just make sure you cut and paste the link that says 'img" in there somewhere. It's the second one i think. It says to be used for forums with out html. Goodluck!!! There is a sense of satisfaction when you get yourself a ticker!!

Jo- i wanted to say what a big step it is to look at your photo's. And i am so glad that the lady who printed them for you was so wonderful. It amazes me when people genuinly want to see my pictures (like my friend on the weekend) and it does make a difference compared to most people who dont even want to know about it let alone share those precious memories with us. Big hugs to you, DH and Storm. I would imagine that Storm looked alot like Darren did at 18 weeks, can i ask a question? Did you spend any time with Storm? i wasn't ready to see my little boy when he was so small, so i only have pictures. When i birthed him he stayed in the sac so i never got to actually see him, but i saw how tiny the sac he was in was and i couldn't do it. Some days i wish i had of, but at the time i wasn't prepared to see him and have to say goodbye. Even with Zahra i could only spend a short amount of time with her bacuase i would just get too upset, i felt like i didn't want to say goodbye, but having her there with me made it seem harder to leave the hospital knowing she was staying.

Sorry for the little bout of sad stuff, there is a bit more coming too-
I had a little (ok, big) cry last night, it was one of those times where a whole lot of stuff is just lurking at the surface and it was everything and it was nothing that set me off. Shane is organising a big Bathurst Weekend which he has done every year for the last 3 years, i think that is his way of remembering our son a little. Bathurst is always on around the time when Darren may have been born (oct) and DH always makes big plans and has lots of people over with kids and makes a real day out of it, so i am thinking about that coming up- its been nearly a year since we lost Zahra, and i think i may have had a slow reaction to seeing my friends baby, and knowing that my sister is going to be having another baby soon and i cant hide from her forever, doing the bar shift (even tho it went fine!!) and just life in general. So i had one of those moments where i was trying to hold back tears but they just fell. And boy did i feel better once i let them! Its strange when things start going really good and then BAM a bad day pops out of the blue like that. i was thinking too, i am ok with my female friend who had the baby, but i think a part of me is a bit ****ty at my mate (her partner) who i knew before he met her (make sense???) I know she has struggled, but for years he never wanted kids and i think a part of me is ****ty that HE got one before i did. I was cioncentrating so much on how i felt about Raels being a mum that i sort of forgot that it made Bee a dad too, and that i am a little jelous of. How strange am i??? But i was thinking about it, and now i am the odd one out, they have all experienced bringing a baby home and its all ive wanted to do since knowing them and i haven;t done it yet. Bring out the violins for me! Sorry just babbling now.

Back to work katti
xoxox

we are both wrintng novel and missing eachother!!!! LOL Now your texting me again, i bet, i haven't read it yet but i bet its you!!!! Doh, i was wrong, it was klee!!!

Dont worry,this morning is about all he's gotten all month!!!

Klee please dont think you had any contribution to my tears, you getting preg will just help them go away!!! And i mean that!!! Take care!!
kattixoxox