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Thread: venting

  1. #1
    Avalanche Guest

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    My daughter was born on a Tuesday, and buried on a Thursday. It's been four weeks since I've buried her, and not a day goes by where I'm not filled with an obscene ammount of anger.

    I hate that I worked so hard to be denied my motherhood. I feel so guilty about wanting to get pregnant again. I know that she'd want siblings, but I still can't help to feel that I'm somehow betraying her by wanting pregnancy.

    With my first child, Beatrix, it was just her and I. The "father" ditched out the day that he found out I was pregnant, asking me to pretend that he wasn't the father. I was fine with this, since I believe that if you can't love unconditionally, you can get out. I'm young, stupid, and naive, but I didn't care. I was a mother. I didn't care that I wouldn't get to college, that I lost a lot of friends (those who suggested me to abort), all that mattered was the dear sweet child in my uterus.

    I had never smoked or drank, I cut caffeine out of my diet, and did everything so carefully. I ended up getting two jobs so I could support us, and I remember feeling so accomplished every time I bought another piece of her nursery.

    My siblings were much older than me, and weren't that close with me, so they'd often yell at me, thinking that I wasn't working, that I was just lazing around. They didn't realize the lengths I was going, and all of my preparations, but that didn't matter to me. All that mattered was my daughter. That was all. If people were going to support me, wonderful, if not, then they could get out of my way.



    After finding out she was dead, I snapped. I hate getting out of bed. I hate being awake. I hate that I survived while she didn't. I hate the fact that I feel happy when I do my art. I hate that the calmest I feel is at her grave site. I hate that I can still function through all of this.

    I know that I shouldn't feel so bad. Beatrix wouldn't want me to. She'd want me to be happy, to keep on living... I have faith in this because if I had died instead of her, I'd want her to live. I'd want her to be happy and grow.

    I'm relieved, in a way. She'll never have to see the ugliness of this world, the impurities and imperfections... but I'm greedy. I would've gladly put her through this world to show her the love and beauty of it, just like she showed me when I was pregnant.

    Nothing made me as happy as I was when pregnant. It was like I found my true calling in life. Ever since I was a little girl, whenever I'd be asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said, "I want to be a momma!"

    And now I am... but it doesn't feel that way at all. I get to see my sister with her baby, and I'm so happy for her. I love seeing pregnant women, and the baby sections in stores always calms me.

    Ideally, I'd like to be pregnant again this fall. However... I feel slightly bad. I'm single, I'm currently jobless, and I just lost my first child... If I'm going to be getting pregnant, I'm going the artificial insemination route. The relationship I had with my exfiance has me very sketchy. He was a terrible man that threatened me throughout my pregnancy and I ended up having to get a restraining order so he'd leave me and my daughter alone... and after he found out that she was stillborn, he blamed me. He told people that I killed my own daughter.

    A place in town is also trying to get me to work for them, and I feel so bad... because while I need money, I just don't feel right being around people. I feel terrible for this because I had such a hard time looking for work when pregnant that it feels like I'd be slapping someone in the face if I reject this job offer... but I just don't feel right.

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Oct 2006
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    Avalance

    I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter sweetie. It has only been four weeks since you lost her so it is perfectly normal that your emotions are so raw. I remember, after losing my son, feeling an anger so deep inside of me that I just wanted to burst. Getting your feelings out and writing them down is really healthy and there are so many women here who will know and understand exactly how you feel.

    I know how strong the urge to conceive again is. However it is important to give youself time to grieve, I must admit I could barely function for the first few months so you have to be easy on yourself.

    You sound like you need to gather a support network around you. Losing a child is really really tough and will forever change your life. Do you have anyone you can talk to? From the sounds of your post I am guessing you live in the USA. Is there a local community counselling support group or something organised through the hospital where you gave birth?

    Please keep visiting this site, we will be here to listen to you, and share the pain.

    You are not alone in this.

    Big :hugs:

    Lv Spring

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Sydney, NSW
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    155

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    Dear Avalanche

    Sorry about you losing your precious daughter. All those feelings are completely normal - unfortunately there are so many different feelings with grief. I hope that you can get some face to face support where you are. Please stay with us here and share your thoughts, feelings and experiences. You have had a tough time and need to talk. We have all been there and know exactly how you feel.

    If you are able to share more details, are you able to tell us how your daughter died (do you know yet) and how far you were ? Some of us have shared our birth experiences here.

    THinking of you and pls come back to chat.

  4. #4

    Default

    Avalanche - I probably shouldnt say this but I have to, your ex sounds awful and he has no right to try to make you feel responsible for what happened to Beatrix You did everything you could to make a nice life for her and yourself, and she was there through it all so she knows this is true

    I dont think it matters how old you are, or whether you go to college - you should be so proud of yourself for working so hard to provide for your little family. And at the moment you really need to look after yourself and concentrate on what YOU need, the people who have offered you a job will understand. And if they dont, they are being insensitive. Spring is right, if you could find a support group of some sort it might be worth speaking to a counsellor. I have only just started doing this recently because I believed I could do it on my own and didnt need help. I was wrong! I need all the help I can get, as do you.

    About your anger, it really is such a normal part of grieving. You have a right to be angry, your little girl is not with you. I was very numb in the early days and then it all turned to anger and I have to admit I still have a lot of anger inside me, I am trying to deal with that now. But just know all of these emotions you are feeling are so normal.

    I also think it is a completely normal feeling to want to TTC right away. We started as soon as we could (6 weeks) and I remember feeling soooo guilty in the beginning thinking that Nicholas would think I was replacing him or I didnt love him. But as time went by I realised that he of all people knows how I feel about him, he is the one who is with me when I cry for him although I cant see him. But the reason we go through our pregnancies is because we want a baby in our arms. Yes we love our first borns, they will always be just that, and there will never be another Beatrix - but you will be a Momma to an earth baby one day and she will be love her brother or sister just as much as you do.

    Finally, if you gain a little bit of happiness from your art - you go for it! I would bet anything that Beatrix is your main inspiration and I believe it can possibly be quite a therapeutic thing for your to do. Everyone needs a happy place and yours seems to be in your art.

    I am sorry I have just babbled on a bit - I just really want to help you, and as Spring said please keep visiting the site :hugs:

    Love Mel

  5. #5

    Join Date
    Dec 2006
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    Hi Avalanche,
    I can't really offer any advice, I am just so sorry you are feeling so sad.
    :hugs:

  6. #6
    Avalanche Guest

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    I was 37 weeks along when she was stillborn. There were no abnormalities that they could see, but the Mayo Hospital thinks that since we have weak heart issues in the family, that her heart most likely just stopped working. They're still doing tests on the placenta to see if there are any issues, and I feel comforted since it's the leading specialist in the country doing them.

    As for a face to face support, I have a very strong family net, and I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist, although I'll probably be changing it since I'm not very comfortable with him.

  7. #7

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    Avalanche,

    I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Everything you have written is something that I could have written myself. What you are feeling and doing is so normal. We have all been through it and continue to go through the processes of grieving. Anger is one of the stages and I know that I went through that stage many times.

    Like the other girls have said, I too felt guilt when we started TTC again. I would tell Cooper that we weren't replacing him, we never could. We just needed his brother or sister in our arms.

    I hope you find some answers as to why you lost your daughter. Be kind to yourself you are in the early raw stages of grieving. Surround yourself with loving and caring people and continue to talk to us, the people that know how you are feeling without you even saying anything at all. We are here for you.

    Hugs
    Lynn
    xxxxxxxxxx

  8. #8

    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Sydney, NSW
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    155

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    Avalanche

    I do hope you get some answers - i did not which can sometimes be ok but at the same time your mind wonders and you think, "well what did happen?".

    I am glad you have a good support network - make sure you use it. Good luck

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