DP Doesnt want me to have a Doula....

Hi there!

I do have some great info on "Dads and Doula's" on my computer at home but I'm away from home at the moment.

However I did manage to find something on Doula's of North America website about it.

Dads and Doula's

If you do a Google search you will find heaps of info.

My experiences with dads have been pretty good so far. I guess the main thing to re-iterate to them is that in no way are you taking their role during the birth. Dad and I are a team. If a dad wants to be very involved with the birth, which your DH sounds like he does, I let them know that I am there to help THEM help mum and unless mum directly asks for me, I take the "backseat".

Like the others have said, it really takes a meeting of some sort for them to fully appreciate the value of our support.

Good luck and I hope DH comes around soon!

As much as I am a huge fan of dads at births, I am also a huge fan of Doula's! But I also may be bias ;)

Nes - You can find a Doula in your area by searching either the Find a Doula website. Or on the Doula Register website. Those should have some Doula's in your area.

What area of Brisbane are you in?

I am moving down to Brisbane from Townsville in the next week or so to do my Bachelor of Midwifery at Aust. Catholic Uni. Depending on when you were due, I am interested in taking on a few clients here and there. Feel free to PM if you'd like to talk more.

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Hi Bridg,
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! In fact I think its a great idea and will think about one for my next birth as DH kinda dropped the ball, he got no sleep and was "tired" poor thing! :rolleyes:

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LOL!! Ditto!!

I'm quite surprised he doesn't want you to have a doula actually, DDs father told me he would've loved to have one during my labour to take some of the pressure off him; aparently I was asking for lower back massages constantly and he was getting exhausted, poor dear :lol:

I agree that it's YOUR decision. If you can turn him around on it, then great but if you can't, agree to disagree . . . and hire the doula. He's not the one who is going to give birth so it's not his decision. Certainly this is a very profound experience for him emotionally but it is for you (I would say moreso) as well as physically.

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Thanks!

Just need to find one in Brisbane. Any ideas of where to look?

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I would like to recommend Liz Leys, she is my doula this time around, quite simply an amazing woman, I cannot rave about her enough actually... :)

Her number is 0422703509 (net listed phone number)

whoops.

Hi Hun!

I'm a doula and I also have a husband who doesn't want a doula lol! I think it is very harder to make decisions on things like this first time around when it's all unknown. I became a doula after my 1st pregnancy/labour and I know at the time I didn't know much about doulas but wouldn't have wanted one...obviously I see things differently now!

I think it is important to understand that there will be other people in the room other than you and dh, midwives possibly obs etc etc and I think it is an advantage to have someone there who has seen it before, they are a professional who knows a lot about birth, they know what you want, you've had time to get to know you and for you to feel comfortable with them and they can suggest different options for natural pain relief, positions etc that can often fly straight out of your head at the time

I think sometimes husbands feel that a doula is basically there replacement because their partner thinks they won't be able to do the job properly. I know personally that I feel labour and birth is such an amazing important experience for a couple and I certainly don't want to take away, I want to improve the dad's experience.

There is more than enough work for 2 and the thing is with labour and birth that a man's natural reaction to seeing his wife in pain is to try to protect and that might mean he finds it hard to help u stick to your birth plan if you are aiming to labour without drugs. Guys just find it hard to get past the natural urge to protect to realise that the pain is good pain and it leads to a baby iykwim.

A lot of labouring women like massage and VERY hard I find this is one thing I often help dads get during labour and then leave them to it, It's just about empowering and helping both of you.

I think if it smething you feel strongly about then it is important for you to really have a good chat about it and I would also suggest meeting with some doulas and being really open and honest and get your dh to ask everything he is worried about and see how it works. I always make it clear to my clients who feel like this that if at ANYTIME they want to be alone during the labour than just say the words and I can pop out to give them that time and really our job is to cater for the individual so be as hands on hands off as wanted so it can be very much worked out so that your dh feels very confident. In my experience men feel very comforted when the time comes to have someone there for them too and someone to kind of bounce off and just let them know they're doing the right thing

I'm thinking that I might want an extra support person in there too, but DH is very much "I don't want anyone in there - this is an experience for you and me." While I understand his point, I'm finding it hard to explain why I think an extra support person (who is a professional -- it's not like it's a family member, which I understand he's uncomfortable with) is a good idea. Maybe we can talk to/meet with one and see how he feels after that. We have some time to think about it, but it's been on my mind a bit recently.

No way girl stand up for your rights!!!! if it would help you, you need it. This is on eof the toughest most rewarding things you can do and you need to grab as much support from whatever sources you feel the most comfortable with. Sell it to him!!!!! Tell him that it would mean if he is needing a break that you will have a much needed support person, what if he needs to step out for a breather, a loo stop, to chuck or pass out, food a good cry??????Some one who is experienced who will no what is happening is invaluable a will help keep you focused, partners are great but are often to emotionally involved when it comes down to the nitty gritty. Maybe you could suggest a trial and if it does'nt work out the doula will leave you and him to it, once it's happening he won't want her to leave!!!!!
Last but not least, you could always cry and beg him to let you have one....tears and preggy women work wonders lol.

Just explain to him that having a doula will mean that he can actually enjoy the moment, come along for the ride, rather than having the responsibility all the time to do things you need him to do.
As I have mentioned before, I personally would not really ask him. If I'm the one who has to do the work, then I do it my way. By all means, explain to him why you would like her there. It is much easier if he is on board with the idea when the time comes. But do not give away your power of birthing the way you want to birth. Yes, he is the father, but let's face it, what would he know about what YOU might need when you're in labour. Hey, you don't even know what you will need until you're in the situation.
I thought I might need massages, hot packs, people helping me to be in various positions. But when I was actually in labour, the only thing I needed was someone offering me a drink every now and then and to leave me alone most of the time.

I hope I don't come across patronising. I don't mean to be. I just want to let you know that it is alright to insist on these things. If you back down on this and things end up not going to plan, you might hold resentment and blame his resistance to a doula for the rest of your life.

Sasa
xx

Well ladies, we have made some improvement on the doula front. I just havent been in here to update sorry. He agreed to having one, but today thought he may like to have an independant midwife instead. He is still tossing up on the idea. I think his main concern is my and bubbas health.

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Thanks!

Just need to find one in Brisbane. Any ideas of where to look?

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Yep call me on 32871209 And I will give you the names and #'s of a couple I found.

Wow Bridg!! That would be amazing if you decided to employ a IM (even if you don't employ a doula ;) )... what a fantastic turn around by DP... I hope you are prasing him :)

Bridg, that is great news! I'm so happy your DH got on board. All the best with your decision. But I think no matter if you end up getting a doula or an IMW, you will be in great hands.

Sasa

The reason DH thought about the IMW was because the OB said they advise me on coming in as soon as labour starts. I have been reading some stories, and alot of VBAC mums can stay at home longer as the IMW can do feotal monitoring and also do internals. DH's Dad will also be on hand if things go wrong. (He's a retired paramedic).

Ok, so now we have made even more progress.

DH has said I can have my Doula, so I have hired the most beautiful caring Doula. Im actually starting to relax about labour because I know I will have DH and her with me.

:dance: :dance: :dance:

YAY!!! All the best for a beautiful, empowering VBaC!
Sasa