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Thread: Feeling a bit defeated .... already... :(

  1. #1

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    Default Feeling a bit defeated .... already... :(

    I'm 21 weeks today, very much have my heart set on having a VBAC this time around.



    My first birth experience with DS was quite traumatic for me, I still have problems talking about it, my feelings about it are very angry, upsetting, frustrating and not helpful for me now at all.
    I'm having a hard time articulating to anyone (DF and HC providers) about what I want and how I feel because of this.

    My first appt at the hospital for booking in at 12 weeks went well, I saw a MW who was very supportive of my wish for a vbac, she did also say that I should be very prepared with all my info, ask lots of questions etc, when I saw the reg at my next appt, to discuss this.

    The appt with the reg was yesterday. it did not go well.

    I asked what the hospital policies were regarding VBAC, she started on about the risk of rupture, I quoted the stats right back at her and she rolled her eyes! I started getting defensive (not ideal) and then couldnt even talk as was fighting back tears... luckily I had DF with me who explained to the reg that my last birth was quite upsetting for me etc, etc, how important it was for me to do this naturally this time etc, etc..

    things were ok for a bit with her going on about my chances of vbac being at least 75%, but I should keep an open mind, I very well may end up with another CS, they wont induce (fine by me) will allow me to go to 41+3 then automatic CS, she said that they would like me to come in as soon as labour started (not gonna happen) then be continuously monitored.. I said "nope, not happening, happy for intermittent monitoring but no way am I going to be strapped to the bed again" she looked shocked and said that this is pretty much what is done, but they couldnt force me obviously, they have telemetric monitors, I could go in the shower and walk around etc, I said, yes, thats what you told me last time and it didnt happen, none were available, so what then?
    Then she starts going on about putting in a scalp clip, I just shook my head... let DF and her keep going, I had a fight witha MW last time about putting in a scalp clip, didnt happen then, isnt gonna happen now...

    anyway, after all that she said they'd want to put a gelco in, I said yep, whatever, and she looked relieved and said I'd be "stupid" not to!!
    She has now booked my next appt with the consulting OB and she seemed to take pleasure in telling me that most of the OBs are very scared of VBACS, if I was lucky I might get one who was supportive of it, but that ultimately no matter who I spoke to, it will all come down to who I get on the day I go into labour, also that the more I try to fight all these policies that are there so my baby and myslef are safe and dont die and they dont get sued (actual words!!) the more nervous everyone is going to get and the more likely it is they will want to cut me!!!

    anyway, she succeeded in scaring poor DF who I had a rip roaring argument with on the way home due to his asking me if I really want to risk mine and the babies life just so I can feel better.....,


  2. #2

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    I am so sorry you've had such an awful experience .

    My best advice would be to change care providers (would you consider a home birth with an independent midwife), or to hire a doula. Someone you can get to know throughout your pregnancy who knows exactly what you want and can come along to appointments, etc, and can be your advocate during your birth.

    Those kind of scare tactics are just not on .

    Big hugs.

  3. #3

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    Thanks Sterla, I'm looking into getting a doula right now actually

    I'd ideally love to have a HB, but unfortunately our finances just don't make that an option at the moment (looks like even a doula will be stretching it)


    I'm really miffed at DF for being sucked in to the scare tactics when I have being doing my best to educate him the last few months...

  4. #4

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    Having your DF on board is really important. I'd recommend doing lots of reading. When I was pregnant with DD (who I went on to have a wonderful vbac with), I read heaps. I read most of of The Silent Knife. That was so helpful in putting my mind at ease that a vbac was a perfectly safe option for me. I also read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth.

    Good luck with the doula search. I believe student doula's are free/cost much less if that is of any help.

  5. #5

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    I just wanted to say, good on you for sticking up for yourself and arguing back. Even if the whole conversation ended badly, you may have planted the idea in the doctor's head that you know what you're on about, and you're not one to be messed with. I'm not sure how to get your DF back onside though I suppose it all depends what kind of person he is. Would he listen to someone else, another medical person? Or if you do more research, would he read it to make up his own mind?

  6. #6

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    STARRYSKY that appointment sounds absolutely awful Definitely read those two books Sterla suggested, they were my favourite too. You have every right to refuse anything you want! You are informed and have done the research. I had a VBAC at hospital with intermittent monitoring, no cannula, only one VE which I requested, no time limits, etc. You can do it! This time I am going with a private midwife and they have great payment plans available too. A doula is a must if that's what they're going to be like I think!

  7. #7

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    Oh hunni I am feeling for you so much! From memory you're going to Flinders yes? Even though my situation was different I can certainly empathise with the "hospital policy" speech and not being supported at your appointment. I just watch The Business of Being Born VBAC special and it was really interesting. If you haven't seen it, get on it. Get yourself a doula and arm yourself with as much info as possible. My experience birthing was the midwives were super supportive of my birth plan and DF really advocated for me which made a big difference. Having someone to tell the doctors no could be all you need to get them to back off once you're in there. My experience with the anti natal appointments has also been very hit and miss depending on who I got so with any luck the consultant will be amazing. Unless it's an older guy who I've seen before and he's useless though I think he's left. Huge hugs!

  8. #8

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    Your inbox is full...
    I might be able to get you some assistance.

  9. #9

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    yes miss Dee, Flinders Public..Lol, I think I know the old guy you're taking about, he was good to me last time with negotiations during labour (delaying the drip and telling the MW to bugger off with her scalp clip!) but yes, he did seem rather "old fashioned"

    Inbox is cleared now Glorious

    The more I think about it, the angrier I get!!
    WTH can't I just be treated like a normal freaking birthing woman?? Its been 5 years since the CS, my labour last time was induced because of my "abnormally large foetus" (LOL, he was 4380g not even 10 pd! but I kid you not, its in my file!) the cs only happened because I didnt conform to their 1cm per hour crap, I wasnt in any danger and neither was DS... blerghh..

    I think I have spd too, have been in soo much pain ever since finding out I was pregnant, I'm too freaking scared to mention it at the appointments as I dont want to do or say anything that will jeopardise my chances...
    Last edited by STARRYSKY; October 11th, 2013 at 06:16 PM.

  10. #10

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    Ask to be referred to the women's physio and for hydrotherapy. I'll be doing both again this time. It shouldn't impact on your birthing choices. As far as your DF, suggest he do beer n bubs. It's basically a birthing class for men and how they can support/advocate for their lady. Mine did it and really liked it. It was a midwife and doula running it, so you might find having someone experienced in birth tell him the risks vs benefits of VBAC will put his mind at ease.

  11. #11

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    You poor thing. It makes me so angry on your behalf.

    If hospital personnel just treated pregnant women like any other normal adult who is capable of understanding and consenting to their treatment then you wouldn't get many of these problems. Instead we are offered a 'conveyor belt' system where we get treated all the same (often like children) no matter what our individual health indicators or issues are. There is no other area of health (ok, maybe psychiatry) where you get told "this is what we are going to do to you" instead of "this is the treatment we recommend".

    On one hand your anger will make you strong enough to fight against policies that aren't in your best interests. On the other hand, if you let it consume you, you risk a potentially more negative experience if you go into hospital in labour defensive and on guard. If you can afford it, definitely invest in an experienced vbac doula and try to work through some of your first birth with her, even though it will be really hard for you to talk about initially.

    (Edited to add): I had a successful vbac in July this year and I often had moments of feeling defeated before it had even begun, until I found the right midwife. I often got stuck in ruminating imaginary confrontations with hospital staff which just made me angry and upset and didnt help me work towards a successful birth. Also, I found reading books about the political environment of birthing (including silent knife) too upsetting.

    The Heart in The Womb is the first hand account of an obstetrician who had a homebirth in England. And,
    Cut, Stapled, Mended is the first hand account of a woman who was an extremely pro-natural birthed and ended up having two c sections and then a vbac - great read.
    Last edited by Strawman; October 17th, 2013 at 06:29 PM.

  12. #12

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    I just tried to pm you but your inbox is full so will just post instead.

    Not sure if you've had your next appointment at Flinders, but I thought I'd let you know not to give up hope. My last appointment went so well. I saw the obs who, without any prompting, said I could have midwifery care! She then realised why I was under obstetric care (BMI) but agreed that it was kinda overkill given my last pregnancy and birth was complication free and this pregnancy seems to be going just as smoothly so arranged for me to see a midwife at least every second appointment. That felt like a huge win for me. Once again I know our individual situations are different, but wanted to let you know that one negative and unsupportive person doesn't mean you won't get the support you want and deserve

  13. #13

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    Thanks Miss D, it does help to hear that...I haven't even had another appt yet, next one is on the 28th of this month, seeing the OB, just hoping that it will be a supportive OB... I have heard there are some at FMC lol

    Pretty sure I have DF on board now, gave him links to some of the VBAC websites and articles, he came to me very upset and angry, he now understands just how Jboys birth was an unnecessarean and is pretty much gobsmacked that the hospital treated us the way they did when there was really no need. He is now researching all on his own the best ways to help me and us get the birth we'd like.

    The MW I saw originally was fab, the MW's I remember seeing and who I had on the day of J's Birth were all fab, I'm hoping I can just stay at home as long as possible and comfortable then get to FMC and deliver the baby.... before any OB's start sticking their noses in...(unless theyre needed of course...)
    heres hoping!

    I will update how the situation is going after my next appt

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