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Thread: Just want to scream! Unsupportive MIL

  1. #1

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    Default Just want to scream! Unsupportive MIL

    Thanks in advance for reading...

    So, I had the BEST scan at 19w5d ever yesterday...Bub is absolutely perfect, my 'large cyst' that was going to need surgery has pretty much disappeared, no sign of the fibroid I was told I had and my placenta is well out of the way of my cervix. so, I'm feeling on top of the world and ready to fight til the death (if I need to) for my VBAC. All thoughts of a possible CS have gone...

    My family has always been supportive of whatever I decide. They know I don't make decisions lightly and will do what I feel is best for me and baby. I've read numerous articles, contacted VBAC groups, Birthrites and numerous hospitals to help me in my decision. I did find out recently though that DH had to spend 15 mins defending my decision after MIL questioned why I just don't take the 'easy way out' and have a CS. She's always said negative things about natural births and doesn't understand that it's preg and labour that can wreck your pelvic floor etc. she also has no ability to put herself in others shoes and could never understand why a CS was traumatic for me...

    So, I sent out scan pics to our families to tell them the news and I get this response from MIL (paraphrased)...

    'Have you researched whether having a CS causes pnd? Your ob should be able to tell you what to do about pnd.'

    How do I respond to this? Do I even try?

    Oh, and she's coming to stay for 3 weeks in the not-too-distant-future...

  2. #2

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    I think whatever decision parents make re how their child is born is their's and no one elses.

    I would not respond to her and when she questions you tell her that you are taking your Dr's & midwives advice about the birth. The are the professionals so you will listen to them.

    I have never told my DD1 how, where & with who she should birth her children. It's not my child so I have no say. If asked I would give my opinion but would not expect to to be the only advice taken.

    In other words....your MIL needs to butt out

  3. #3

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    I'm mean. I'd reply that your ob said that visitors for more than two days, during the pregnancy and for a year after, is the major contributing factor in PND when a woman has birthed in a respectful environment. So looks like a disrespectful visitor isn't "allowed" to come now.

    Otherwise, I'd start with "smile and nod" then graduate to telling her where to stick it. (One reason we're not telling my IL when I conceive.)

  4. #4

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    Ignore it I say. It's not worth it. You're positive, and made an educated decision on what you want. Tell her all about perfect ears and feet instead

  5. #5

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    Thanks guys - think I just needed to vent - she's raining on my happy VBAC parade. I also know that she just won't shut up about it, no matter how bluntly i ask (we've had issues in the past and a rabid dog gives up more easily) and I'm going to have three weeks of questions about my decisions. I've decided not to reply, but DH is going to email back and tell her to BUTT the *#%^ out!

    Believe me TFB, if I could cancel her flights and not have her, I would! I hate people in my house at the best of times....but MIL, all day every day for three weeks, while DH is at work, is gonna be a tough ask....maybe I need to start looking at motel rooms...

  6. #6

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    Argh I can imagine what you mean 24/7 for 3 weeks!

    Your DH definitely needs to broach it with her before she stays.

    Also maybe tell her that your medical team ie midwifes etc support a vbac. Why would you ask whether a c section contributes to pnd!?

    Did she have all c sections?

  7. #7

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    Does she have an email address? Absolutely bombard her inbox with articles on how safe a vbac is and how better it is for a baby to be born that way lol

    Bombardment!!!!!! Pmsl

  8. #8

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    All through my pregnancy, when people asked what I was planning (VBAC or CS), I told them I wasn't sure yet! They were mostly supportive, but it helped avoid the negative comments from those who weren't. Is this something you could do with your MIL? Otherwise find some articles of the risk of repeat c-section vs VBAC. Having major abdominal surgery doesn't come risk free!!

  9. #9

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    DH has just fired off an email...can't wait for the response (most likely an indignant/tearful phone call)... So proud of him that he got so fired up too - he's come a long way in his thinking

    Have already got quite a collection of reading waiting for her beside her bed!!

  10. #10

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    What get me with not just you but others who are in this situation is what right has anyone to bully their child as an adult. If the tables were turned and you bullied them in areas of how you wanted them to do things in their life they would get really insulted.

    Maybe people like this need the same treatment, nicely done, to make them wake up.

    As I have said before, they have had their time of muddling through as a parents, it's now your turn to muddle through parenthood. It's how we all learnt parenting. Sure we asked questions & advice but we still made the final decision.

    Also I see many days out of the house during that time.

  11. #11

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    Don't let her spoil your vbac dream! Ignore her as best you can, smile and nod but don't offer any information regarding your plans. It's what I learnt to do just tell them afterwards.

  12. #12

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    Good on your DH for standing up for you. Just try and ignore her as best you can and let him fight the battles.
    If she ends up being too big a handful just magically come up with a whole lot of essential outings you have to go on where she's not welcome and leave her alone for 3 weeks.

  13. #13

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    Default uracadb preserva

    Honestly, I'd simply write back "This is my decision and I'd appreciate it if you would respect that. If not then I ask that you refrain from giving your opinions if they aren't supportive." I would actually honestly say that, but I'm not known for holding my tongue. I would then blatantly ignore any more comments from her that she sends in text or that she says out loud and completely direct the conversation in another direction, and if she pushed it, I'd tell her the topic isn't up for discussion. Or I'd have my husband tell her. I think pregnant women need to stick up for themselves when given unsolicited advice and put-down comments. This is none of her business and I would make it known to her in a nicest way possible. I'm sorry that you're not getting the support from her that you deserve. Just know that your husband supports you and will come to your defense and that means a lot.


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