weaning due to breast refusal again

[worrywart]

Hi Guys,
I am having a really really hard time with my DS. I think I might have to just wean him because he is refusing to BF. This is probably the fourth bout with breast refusal. I know the reason this time. It is simply a cold. But I have not been able to stop crying since last night and I don't think I can carry on. I have fibromyalgia and chronic pain and depression/anxiety and have been advised by a couple of doctors to quit BFing but it didn't feel right to me. My DS has happily fed for various weeks at a time, but he is refluxy snuffly baby and has had long periods of on and off refusal and then short bursts of acute refusal, like now. It builds up to a real aversion and he screams if I pick him up in the bedroom. It is so awful. Reading everyone's stories here about how much their children love feeding (and my mum also has that experience) is like a dagger in my heart. But I know that sounds really hard too, like being trapped etc.

I have read everything online, seen an LC and spent hour upon hour worrying and soul searching. I am afraid that if I stop (and I understand it isn't really my choice - he is refusing me) I will just have a nervous breakdown, because of the hormones and the disappointment and sadness.

My DH really does a lot with the kids, bc of my pain levels, and I am starting to feel like a useless burden on the family and that they would be better off without me. I also feel like once I stop BFing, I literally will not be helping or contributing anymore.

Anyway, I am really depressed and it has just flared up so quickly from refusals over the last 24 hours.

Each time I have tried to wean (and I've tried about 4 times) my DS has changed his mind so we've gone back to feeding all the time. I feel like cold turkey is the only option.

I feel completely fixated on this problem. I feel like if I could let go and relax a little, I might be able to find a solution. But I feel scarred by all the previous refusals and the feeling that I might lose control and not be able to care for my DS bc I don't really know any other way of settling him than feeding.

Any ideas or encouragement?

WW
x

[milly5]

hi WW,
firstly, just sending you some huge hugs.
I don't really know the answer, but couldn't not reply after reading your post.

First things that come into my mind, is has anyone (GP, nurse, etc) talked to you about PND? I really feel you may need to speak to someone, to help you through this.

Other random thoughts I had -
- hormones - you may also be feeling the effects of some hormone fluctuations, given the recent variability in your son's feeding patterns.
other things that jump out at me is that if your son is refluxy and snuffly, these things may be exacerbated by FF, after all, nothing is more gentle than breast milk.
- there is also more work involved in FF - preparing, cleaning bottles etc, something to consider if you are already finding some activities difficult.
- While he is refusing you, and to maintain your supply, try expressing some and even giving him a bottle of EBM to see if he will take that.
- Perhaps too your son is going through a growth spurt or teething, or even a mild illness, and very soon he will again return to feeding, frustrating I know, as you still have to get through the hear and now, but some babies do go through periods of refusal when they are not themselves (one of my twins does, and of course frustratingly it is the one with the weight issues!). He will get hungry again, and as long as he is still peeing and pooing then he will be OK while he is refusing you.

sorry, all very random thoughts, but I just wanted to try and offer you some reassuring thoughts. Good luck. xx

[worrywart]

Hi Milly5,

Thanks so much for replying, I really appreciate it.

Yes, I have chronic depressive illness so PND is just an addition to that. I have a psychiatrist and psychologist. I find them really great at times, though not overly supportive of breastfeeding I have to say. The message I keep getting from them is to gradually wean. As for bottles etc, my DH will wash and prepare them (he is very supportive) and he'll do nights, so it will definitely be less work. But when BF is going well, I feel so happy to do it. It is hard. I can't be sure about what is best for DS too, because half the time he is screaming blue murder against feeding and the other half, very settled and loving it. I have to say, the overall pattern is shorter feeds and not so into it. He is 8.5 months old now and very outgoing and busy and not a comfort feeder or a cuddly baby. He just loves his toys and new things.

Also, my son is feeding again, but for shorter periods and it is still pretty touch and go, like he is snuffly and will break off and scream. I now have mastitis on one side too (a recurrent issue).

I had just written out a plan to wean and then the mastitis again.

Going to meditate right now.

thanks again,
WW
x