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Thread: Can I get away with this?

  1. #1

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    Default Can I get away with this?

    So I have written a poem for uni and I am happy with it except for the first verse, which I was happy with until I spoke to DH.

    I am using a format where the second and fourth lines of the poem rhyme.

    In the first verse I have 'rhymed' home with poem which I know doesn't really rhyme excatly but in mind head it rhymes well enough. DH insists that it doesn't and he is the 'writer' so to speak in our family (I write too but scientific text).

    What do you all think?

    I can't really post the verse here but if I had something along the lines of (BTW the only resemblance this verse holds to my poem is the last word of the second and fourth lines, and the rhythm just so you can get the gist)



    Behold this sign of terror
    that lives within our home
    I'll tell you all about it
    in this short and dusty poem

  2. #2

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    It's fine! Even though I guess poem technically has two syllables, most people (myself included) often read it as one. It's definitely more than passable IMO. Sounds like a cool poem...you should post the whole thing

  3. #3

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    I like it.

  4. #4

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    I like it, and lots of people I know pronounce it 'Pohm' anyway...
    When i were to look at it i would just have to readjust the way i would normally 'read' it and read it as 'pohm' (not po-em) instead.

  5. #5

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    Sorry, but to me it doesn't sound right.

    It disrupts the flow and really stands out.

  6. #6

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    Well I'm gonna do a big know-it-all commentary because I spent several hours with one of poetry's leading lights (in our state) just a couple of weeks ago and she had quite a lot to say about rhyme in contemporary poetry.

    Nowadays free verse is most common, and "slant rhymes" or "half rhymes" are preferred over blatant rhymes because they are more subtle. Most straight rhymes have been done to death, and so they tend to come across as cliches. Whereas with a slant rhyme you have a lot more scope to put words together in surprising and beautiful ways. BUT if you start a rhyming pattern you must continue it all the way through.

    Slant rhymes: pear/peer, half/have, fish/mash/wash, glass/past/last.

    I think home/poem is probably halfway between a slant and a true rhyme - so it could be either. I would use it. Poet's prerogative .

    Out of interest, what course are you doing that's asking you to write poetry?
    Last edited by AnyDream; August 21st, 2011 at 12:23 PM.

  7. #7

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    Thanks guys. I am using a poem instead of a speech because the topic I am talking on is naturally quite humorous. Its a bit of a long story but I want it to be obviously a poem because it is out of context and that way people will get it instead of being confused for the first half of the speech. So the flow of the poem is a bit like an aussie ballad. So I think I will just use it and anyone who doesn't like it will hopefully be so dazzled by my brilliance in the other verses that they won't notice

  8. #8

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    I read it naturally to rhyme. Creative license says you can do whatever the hell you like really doesn't it? ;P

  9. #9

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    I think, unless you're writing a dirty Limerick, using subtle rhymes are great in poetry. They are more lyrical and creative in my opinion.

    Home and poem work well in your sample.

    Sent from my Desire HD

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