Ellen Mary my star child

Kate, I felt the words of that poem very powerfully just now. They are very wise. You are indeed a wonderful mother as others have said before me here.
There is a site called Glow in the Woods where you can share your poetry with other grieving mums, and read theirs.
You and your family are in my thoughts.

Here's another poem I have written

A Better Place?

So she’s in a better place is she?
I wonder how you know.
She’s not with me or with her dad
So how could this be so.

How can we know she’s happy?
How can this strange thing be?
How can it be a better thing?
If she’s not with her Dad and me?

This home we readied for her
Was prepared for her to come
A cot for her, a special home
Full of love from her Dad and Mum.

How can a baby all alone
Be in a better place?
How can a family be so torn?
How do we handle this with grace?

The best place for our baby
Is right here home with us
We love her and we want her
Don’t speak lightly of her to us

She’s not in a place that’s better
That just cannot be true
She’s not here with her parents
She’s living somewhere new

Don’t tell me where our baby is
There’s no way you really know
She’s in our hearts forever
Through her our love will always flow.


and another one

There is a place
I know it now
Where angel babies play somehow
Among the clouds
Or in the stars
You play there now
I hope so

There are other angels
Playing too
You all have toys, yes quite a few
You live up there
Without us now
We love you still
It hurts so

Up in that place
We cannot see
You must stay there now
Playing free
You’ll play with others
Hopefully
You’ll smile there

Oh baby mine
I hope you know
I want you
And it hurts me so
To know you’re playing
Without me
I miss you

Don’t be unhappy
Bub of mine
Although I want you
Child sublime
You had to go
You must go on
Without me

With your new friends
Play happily
From a special place
In our family tree
You’re still adored
Eternally
We love you


and yet another one!

My grief is like a river
Running slowly to the sea
Sometimes it nearly drowns me
Sometimes gives me time just to be

It floats me softly through some days
It flows roughly through the night
It doesn’t ever stop flowing
Never giving me full respite

Sometimes it flows through slow pools
Sometimes rapidly over rocks
It never gives me warning
It just batters me and shocks

I joined its course upon your death
Now I flow along against my will
I began grief with a waterfall of tears
And it threatens to drown me still

I’m learning how to swim now
Or at least how not to drown
The rapids still elude me
As they batter me around

My tears they fill the river
As my grief so slowly flows
I cannot seem to stop them
With them water around me grows

Occasionally I can lie back
And enjoy a gentler flow
As I look up at all the trees
Then my love for you can show

But then a rapid meets me
And I’m thrown hard against the stones
I feel tired and sore and lonely
I struggle not to drown alone

Each time I think I’m dying
That the water will drown me now
I think of you my darling
And wonder what we’d be doing now


I hold tight to overhung branches
To give my aching heart a rest
Then I continue on floating
In this deep river I’ll do my best

As the river widens
It gives me more time to think
I remember holding you in my arms
I kick a little so I don’t sink

I’d love to leave this river
And walk on the banks dry and warm
But I can’t walk away from your memory
So I’ll struggle on around each turn

My life now it is a journey
Of learning how to survive and swim
My life is no longer on my path
It is following the rivers whim

I’d like to offer some solace
To those struggling along at my side
But it’s just too much work to keep swimming
To warn them of all the sharp rocks that hide

My swimming is slowly improving now
Or the river has gradually ebbed it’s flow
I’m not sure which of these is the truth
I guess I’ll never really quite know

One day I’ll reach the ocean
Where the river flows gently and wide
I’ll find you there my sweet and lovely one
I’ll float happily with you by my side

Oh my god I had tears at the first line and a steady flow after. Im sorry for your loss hun, you are of course right and when I think of V and if I had to miss out on any part of her life ( even though we have had our struggles) it makes me physically sick. Im not sure what to say but you have made me so much more aware of how lucky we are xx

thanks for posting
I wasn't sure if anyone had read my poems.
sorry I made you cry.
It's so nice to know someone heard my words.
K

Kate you write so beautifully, thank you for sharing these poems.

You write beautifully Kate.
I hope you dont mind Ill be watching your journey and praying you get to have another baby soon xx

Kate - That last poem rang so true to me too. Some days are OK and some days I feel like I'm drowning in pain. It's been 1 month since my son died and it's still hard to believe.

I hope writing helps you. I know it helps me. Though absolutely nothing will ever take away the pain and grief, I'm hoping one day it will be easier to carry.

I am so so sorry you lost your son. I know how hard it is to cope. be gentle with yourself because the world just isn;t kind to mothers of angels.

Kate - it took me longer than I'd hoped to read your poems. Thankyou again for sharing... today for me, the poem about your grief and the river was the most poignant... today is the first anniversary of birth and death of my 4th angel, and your words have helped me today more than you can know. Would you mind terribly if I showed it to my counsellor ( obviously attributed to you) the next time I see her? You just have the most amazing talent... I also had a thought about your first poem.... I have never been told my angels are in a better place, and certainly I have never thought that they were, but for me, in order to survive, I must believe they are in a safe place ( apart from the safety of my love), and cared for by our precious black and white cat, gone too soon from our lives as well. Go gently.

Dory,
You are more than welcome to show my poem/s to your counsellor. I plan to have all 50 of them published hopefully as a tribute to Ellen on her 1st anniversary.
I feel strongly for you today and I read your post through my tears.
I wrote another couple of poems that might give you some light today.
I've added them.
Treat yourself with kindness you deserve it.
Think of your precious daughter with peace and love as she would be thinking of you today.
Here are the poems, I wrote them on the 6 month anniversary of Ellen's Birthday.
Kate


My darling girl
It’s six months now
Since you arrived
And so quickly left

I miss you
Just as much now
As I did when
Your leaving made me bereft

I want you back
Just as strongly
As the day
When you first arrived

I want you here
Right in my arms
Not somewhere
Other than by my side

Your beautiful face
Your lovely frame
Is etched in
My mind forever

I carry my love
For you my dear
Deep in my heart
For ever and ever

I am so sad
We never really met
We never got
To know each other

Perhaps one day
I’ll be lucky enough
To talk about you
To your sister or brother

You fill my heart
Till it overflows
With love for you
Always and forever

You’ll be with me
Right here
In my heart
We’ll always be together

here's another one

I think this day truly warrants
A new poem of its own
I miss you Ellen my angel
Since you left me all alone

I want you here beside us
But I know this cannot be
I want you in my arms now
And gazing softly up at me

I miss you so much darling
Now forever and always
I’ll think of your face daily
Dream of you ‘till my dying day

A day like this brings memories
Of the fun we didn’t have
Of hopes and dreams I had for you
And it makes me very sad

I didn’t get to know you
I only had you briefly inside me
I wish things had been different
But it wasn’t meant to be

I hope you are OK now
In your world that isn’t mine
I dream of only the best for you
And I’ll love you ‘till the end of time.

Thankyou - reading and typing though my tears too. hugs.

I wrote this for my girl today

I made a list
Of all the things
We could have done
Together
I started well
Wrote through my tears
But the list went on
Forever

I made a list
Of all the ways
We could have helped
Each other
I worked so hard
To think of things
But the list went on
Forever

I made a list
Of all the wishes
I had for our life
Together
I made big plans
I hoped for good
The list went on
Forever

I made a list
Of all the reasons
I’ll love you
And miss you
Forever
Each day
I add
To this long list
I will not finish it
Ever.

that's beautiful Kateo xx

Kateo - too true sweetie. I think a broken heart never mends and sadly there are always reminders of missed opportunities in everything that we do. I am feeling that way at the moment, despite being so blessed with a miracle. Sometimes my miracle is an even more stark reminder of my angels than I expected, not all of the time, but certainly sometimes. I say carried on the wings of angels to our arms and heart. So your poem is so apt, not just for you. Go gently.

wow. what a beautiful poem Kateo. just beautiful xx

Kate I don't always comment on your posts but I always read them. My heart aches for you and your lost little girl.

Thanks so much for your kind words. It's really nice to know other people are remembering my daughter with me.......

I wrote this today. I seem really sad since my DS turned 3

I used to wish to hear your name
On lips of everyone
To hear it spoken loudly
Not for people to turn and run

I wanted it often spoken
By friends and family too
But for so long they were silent
Hiding from the thought of you

Now I hear it often
Voiced by my only son
He talks of “baby Ellen”
And my heart strings come undone

My real friends now
They know you
They speak your name out loud
They understand to mention you is OK somehow

I’d love to hear you answer
When I feel that you might hear
But the only time I hear your voice
Is in my dreams when you feel near

It’s more than just a name
It’s what seems to make you true
The thoughts and feelings that you bring
“Ellen” on another’s lips is the essence of you.