Goodbye little Caterpillar

BW Good on you for getting out of the house for a bit yesterday. Thats a huge step. I'm pleased that you and your dh are on the same page now hun. Its very hard for them to show how they are really feeling. I hope you have a good time in Newcastle with your family and let your mum hug you. She won't know what to say and probably won't know how to react either but understand that she is doing her best to comfort you. My mum had no idea how to react when she saw me or what to say to me. I was hurt by this although now I understand she had no idea how I was feeling or what I needed at the time even though she had suffered losses of her own. Take care sweety and yes you will have some bad days and some good ones too. Embrace them no matter what hun :hug:

BW, I am hoping that you are having another good day there...the weekend plan to visit family sounds great. Hope DH is driving so you can just sit and relax, I know I always like the time looking out of the window and let my mind wander...

Telling my mum was actually the worst part yesterday, as she anticipated so much in this whole journey that I feel I need to be strong to comfort her...but still, after all, it is mum...although she chose the worst moment to tell me that my cousin's wife is pregnant, she did understand that I was hurting and the most important thing is to look after myself and don't worry about anything else...sometimes they just don't know what is approperiate to say ...

I am sure more good days will come, for you and for me as well...on the way back home from the Day surgery, I was thinking sometimes you think you can't go on anymore, but actually you can. Human being is such a resiliant creative, especailly there is hope ahead...

:hug: I'm so, so sorry

Today's not been a good day... I tried so hard to pretend I was doing ok, but I'm just not.

DH was supposed to come home early - but things went badly at work and he can't now. It's really not helping at all, and I'm worried that he's having a crap day himself, but he wouldn't talk about it on the phone.

I'm still cramping. It's mild, but it's there. Still bleeding... I'm terrified that it means that they possibly didn't get everything out and I'm going to have to go back...

What's really not helping is that I'm so stuck in unhelpful lines of thinking. I figured out a link between my prednisone dose and the spotting, and I was so sure I had it figured and everything would be ok... Except I'm a doofus who forgot why I take metformin.

I watching myself throw up 2/3 of my daily dose one night... and then saw spotting start the next day. The following day my GP told me to reduce the dose further if I wasn't eating as much as normal... what the hell was I thinking?! I know it's not helping at all to be thinking like this, but I can't seem to get the thoughts out of my head.

BW

:hugs: I am sorry you feel like this. I went through the blame myself stage as well..

Hun, it is so expected that you will have bad times at the moment - over the coming days and weeks, you'll be like a pendulum swinging from good to bad at the strangest things. Don't beat yourself up over feeling bad - i would be surprised this early on if the good times outweighed the bad...

with respect to the metformin - ask your doctor, but please don't get yourself worked up about it - yes, you reduced your dose as the doctor suggested, but in a lot of my readings, many fertility specialists will cut the dose off completely once a pregnancy is confirmed, so as much as this is playing on your mind, it is highly unlikely to have had any relationship to what happned. you need to remember that you were doing what you believed at the time was in yours and the Caterpillars best interests at the time - we often see things differently after the event, but going on the information you had at the time, you did what you believed was best. (and in your GP's defence, reducing the dose might not have been a bad idea if you weren't eating - metformin makes cells more sensitive to insulin - last thing you'd want is to start having hypo's from too much insulin crossing into the cells...)

i'm so sorry your DH can't be home early tonight - take it easy on yourself

with love

BG

BW - BG is a wise chook :)

Sorry that your DH can't come home early - will several large cyber hugs from me suffice? It is the only time my freakishly long arms come in handy.

Hugs probably wont suffice but please know that we are all thinking of you.

Glad you had a good day hun just sorry it was followed by a not so good one, unfortunately this will probably happen for months to come, I can remember breaking down months after my 2nd m/c cause my class were doing s*x ed and the lady doing it showed them a 20 week foetus which is where I should have been at that point and I lost it and had to hide in my storeroom crying.
All the feelings you are experiencing are normal and sadly shared by many of us on here. I hope you have a good day tomorrow (that bit of your post made me teary cause I would give anything to have my mum hug me even just one more time)
love to you and Dh.

BW Please try not to beat yourself up hun. I was taking Metformin until my pregnancy was confirmed. I think from memory I stopped taking it the week after it was confirmed so hun that may not have made any difference to what has happened. I'm sorry that you are having a bad day but that is to be expected sweety. Remember its only early days atm and you will be feeling like you are all over the place. Your hormones and emotions are running wild atm and this may take weeks or even months to ease. Please take care of yourself. I think I had cramps and bleeding for about a week or so after my 1st m/c and about the same or maybe a little longer after my 2nd one so please try not to worry. Only if it gets very severe or heavy and a wierd odour then I'd start to worry.

BW - allow yourself to question each and every decision made by you and your doctors. It is healthy to question and healthy to check and double check on your care and the medication regimes you take. You do this with your rheumy, why not do it with your FS???

BUT do not think you caused your caterpillar to die through something you did or did not do. That is not the case. You did everything in your power to make a safe environment for your little one with the knowledge you had at the time. If that knowledge changes, we live and learn but it still doesn't mean you did anything wrong or are in any way to blame.

The metformin question is a difficult one with two sides of the fence and good arguments for and against each. You know the literature is inconclusive. And as for your use of prednisone - another reason for a consult with Dr S!!

The good days will get more frequent but the bad days are to be expected. Be gentle with yourself and DH this weekend. It will be emotionally draining to see the family but there is nothing like being with family when you hurt (even if they don't know what to do or say). And please drive carefully. We want you back safe and sound :hug:

BW, I am sorry today is not a good day for you. But it is also to be expected, after all, it is only less than a week so don't be too hard on youself...

I know how you feel at the moment trying to find a logical reason of why all these happened, I have been torturing myself in the same way, going through my diary of the last 63 days and what step I could have done different....but this is just the phase we need to go through in order to get over it...we all know it was just fickle nature that caused this outcome, at random.

One day can be very different from another, tomorrow is another day and I don't know how you will be feeling, but I do know that you are one day further in this recovery journey...just like you promised me 'it will get better'...and it will...

Hi Love,

Sorry you had a crappy day :hug: . As everyone esle has said, you get good days and bad days, eventually the good start to outnumber the bad. There will always be a few bad days but as i said before, they sort of become a time for remembering.

At the time, during your pregnancy, you did absolutely everything you could to protect the caterpillar. Absolutely everything. I remember, you can read your old thread BW - you were so careful, you double-checked and researched. You talked to your doctor. You did your best, and YOUR best was bloody impressive.

New knowledge will be valuable and important. But it will also be new, and not something you could have known before. Someone on here (mentioned already i know) has in their sig. about their two angels who "gave them the knowledge to go full term". This is a heartbreaking time BW, but the caterpillar maybe only stopped by to let you know these things, maybe the love you gave that little bubby in 8 short weeks was exactly what he needed. Caterpillar would be so MAD at you if he (Damn it, he's a HE to me!) thought you were beating yourself up about it.

You're extremely proactive, you will get the answers you need, but please BW, be gentle with yourself. :hug:

Love

Bec

BW & DH, I'm so sorry that this has happened. Please don't feel like you aren't able to do this. Please take the time to heal :(

Smudge xx

Oh BW
Im so so sorry for your loss, my heart just sank when I read your post I have no words of wisdom ecept every emotion you feel you have to let yourself experience it its part of the grieveing process and on both good and bad days know that we are all here for you whenever you need to talk or vent or just yell at the world.

Love Nikki

BW, I couldn't believe it when I read your post. I am so sorry and sad that you have lost your catepiller. My thoughts are with both you and your DH.

BW, So very to sorry to read of the loss of your precious little one.:(

Am feeling just a little bit better today...

If going through infertility and assisted conception had brought me and DH closer together... this is doing so even more. They say that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger - and it's certainly evident in our relationship right now.

We took that scary first step last night... I cried, DH was very gentle... and then I bled everywhere. There's just nothing like changing bed sheets at midnight! Weird, though - the bleeding had stopped and there's been no more over night or this morning, guess we just stirred things up a little.

Trish - I want to publicly say thank you. I thought it was you - I was just leaving for an appointment and wasn't quite with it. Hopefully I didn't embarrass myself too much by trying to get wiped out by another car as I turned out of my street. DH was very touched also. I'd been finding things very hard as I had nothing to hold to represent our baby... it's amazing just how much a small token like that can help. Thank you.

Will be heading out for the day soon (when my jeans are dry) and won't be back until quite late tonight. I'm starting to feel up to facing the world in small doses.

BW

BW- :hug: nothing can take the pain away and right now it will be great, but in time it eases .It helps to have a few momentos of your precious baby they was to be your greatest joy.Glad you got it okay. Keep 'everything' you can - even if you pack it away for now ,one day you might want 'keepsakes'.

I remember for a while one of my favourite quotes was I rather have a moment of happiness than never to have known it at all. or similar.

By the way - someone mentioned about a quote from someone else ... about an angel baby giving them answers ..not sure if anyone else mentioned already it but it was Bec G that has the quote ~Audrey~ & ~Charlotte~ gave them the answers to carry to full term (Eliza)

take care and I hope you have a good day and get lots of love from your mum.

Yes, I believe it does make your & Dh relationship stronger to share this together, and IVF/infertility too.

Also, it wasn't you at all that had to be embarassed - the other driver was a imbecile to *beep* - you had enough time and they were speeding in 50km zone. Idiot !