here I am again

NO more miracles for me. Monday's fabulous result was just nature's cruel, cruel joke.
Scan today was awful. Sonographer would not tell me anything but found out myself by looking at pics he gave me to take back to emergency department.
Both babies still in there but the one with haematoma has totally collapsed sac and could not even see the baby. Other baby is still hanging on but measuring small and HR only 85 which I know from last time is a dismal sign at 6.5w. Uterus is full of blood so no wonder the poor things are being crushed.
Made me wait in emerg again until i kicked up a big fuss. Was in tears, by myself (DH home with DS) and just wanted to go home. Dr was nice today and was quite concerned that the amount of bleeding I had last night was not taken seriously. She spoke with my FS and both wanted me admitted for monitoring and poss D&C once confirmed that Bubba 2 had passed. I refused as just could not bear the thought of staying in hosp on my own. My FS ended up coming in within 10mins and was very supportive for which I am grateful. She was genuinely shocked that things have gone so bad from looking so good but had no good explanation. Will prob have another scan with her on Mon ( yet more torture for me!) and if all is defnitely lost then D&C so we can test babies again.
I am still in shock as I did kind of think we would get another miracle result today. My heart is just broken beyond repair. I am not sure how I am ever going to get through this only to put myself at danger once again with the next try. The 8/8/08 was THE unluckiest day ever for me.

Meredith, I am so so so worried about you hon. Please look up Lisa's details. lisa fettling counselling & education

Huge hugs hon.

I just want to give you one of these in hopes it will give you the comfort you so sorely need. :hug:

And I'm praying for you and your baby/ies :pray:

Oh Meredith, this has to be one cruel sick joke for you. :hug:
Please know that I am thinking of you and :pray: that miracles can still happen :pray:

Oh Meredith, it just isn't fair. :crying::hug:

:comfort: Here if you need anything :(

I'm so sorry Meredith. Please see the person Kelly suggested or someone who will help you and care for you. Your heartbreak is too much for one person to bear.

Meredith my lovely girl...

I am so so sorry for you. I know how broken hearted you are and I wish there was something I could say or do to help you right now.

Know that I am thinking of you...and if you need to talk ANY time with someone who 'gets' it, let me know...I am there for you.

Take care sweetie..

Meredith,

I am so so sorry hun - i too thought all would be okay after last weeks scan - i started to believe in miracles - nature can be so cruel i know - i truly understand your pain and i know how lost you are - please know i am thinking of you and sending you the biggest :hug: ever - i just wish i could do something to help. I am so very sad for you

Oh sweetie I am worried and concerd for you please take Kelly's advice

This is unfair and not nice :hug: wish I could be there for you

Thankyou lovely ladies. I am in tears now just reading your kind words. For those wishing me luck still for tomorrow's scan, I'm afraid there really is no hope. Just have to go through the motions of scan (torture !) to be 100% that sole surviving twin truly has passed. I don't want to go and see yet another dead baby but couldn't have D&C without being sure. These beautiful babies will bring me to a total of 6 lost angels. Far to many to have on my conscience and running out of room on my necklace for more charms. I need this pain to stop. I don't want to grieve anymore. I haven't got the energy. I want to just try again and be pg with something my body doesn't fail to keep safe.
Just ranting now, sorry but just so sad,angry,frustrated etc etc .

Meredith - I wish this wasn't happening to you :hug: I am still holding out hope for you. We are all here for you and I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

OMG Meredith.... i in the last minutes have gone on a hiuge roller coatser, a coaster youve been riding for over a week..

I too, like kelly and so so so many more here are so worried about you!!

I will be thinking of you tomorrow... sending you all the strength and love i can from here (which is not far from you im just a few suburbs away)....

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Will be thinking of you tomorrow, take care of yourself and know that we are all here for you :hug:

Oh Meredith I'm too am so very sorry to learn that you are going through this once again hun. Just know that I'll be thinking of you tomorrorw :hug::hug::hug:

I don't know what to say Meredith...........sending you lots of these hun :hug: :hug: :hug:

thinking of you, Meredith. i wish i had something comforting to say :hug:

huge hugs to you meredith :hug:

Thinking of you and yours Meredith. Take comfort in your EARTHLY angel.
Hopexo :hug:

Sending strength and love vibes to you Meredith....

I truly hope you come back in a few hours with some positive news....

xoxo

Meredith I just want to give you a big :hug:. I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this and I'm quite sure its an emotional rollercoaster. I really hope the bubs are okay and will continue to grow safely. I hope that you are doing well. Just remember if you need anything we are hear for you.

You and your babies are in my praiers.

im thinking of you Meredith and praying there is a miracle still inside. i hope you are ok

As expected, miracles just are not meant for me. I was not suprised to see 2 lifeless blobs today but still doesn't make things any easier at all. Had surgery very late last night and have woken today feeling empty and lost. The m/s has subsided enormously which I guess is good but also a sad reminder that all is truly lost. We will have these babies tested but my gut feeling is that there will be no answers, yet again!
I am not sure what to do or where to turn atm. i just want the pain GONE! Will probably speak to one of the IVF councellors at some stage but not really up to it right now. Finding it hard to even come in here as so many reminders of pg and of all my lost angels.

:hug: Meredith, I wish things had been different for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. You know we are here for you whenever you need us.

Meredith - I am so sorry that you are once again having to mourn the loss of your babies. We are all here for you if and when you find the strength or the need to talk. Take care and please look after yourself. :hug:

Meredith :crying: That empty feeling is the worst feeling ever.
I am so sorry hun.
hugs
Jude

Oh Meredith, I am so sorry...:hug:.
I hope that with all the tests available today someone can shed some light for you and give you some answers that you deserve on why this keeps happening.
I can't imagine how you must be feeling no one person should have these many losses in there life time.
Please know we are all here for you, take care of yourself :hug:

*MASSIVE HUGS*

Oh Meredith.. please be good to yourself.. do whatever you need..

Meredith
I am so so sorry for your loss...all your losses. I had a loss at exactly the same stage as you previous to my angel in Feb and the nurses especially we're so cold about my early loss saying it was just a late period!! It was only when I had the ultrasound that i got some comfort hwen the fellow doing the U/S said that more than 50% of pregnancies are lost and go un-noticed as they are lost so early. It was then I could grieve for my lil angel.
I'm sorry your family won't give you the support youi nedd but atleast you can rest assure that we all understand your pain and you can vent to us all anytime.
Take Care and thinking of you xoxoxo:pray:

Meredith so so sorry :hug::hug::hug:

I hope you can get some answers.

Sorry to hear about the nurses - I wonder if they think they are being helpful - when I had my d & c I was in tears and the nurse managed to make me feel even worse with what she said.

I hope you are being looked after.

Meredith - i am so sorry to read that your angels have flown. be very kind to yourself, please, and keep talking to your other half, you two need each other more than ever.

i wanted so much for your babies to stay.i believe you deserve to have the joy , you want it so badly!i wish i could do more than send comfort in words.

there WILL be answers, even if you have to do like me and email the health minister and (politely) jump up and down till you get them!

Meredith,

Oh sweetie i know there is nothing i can say or do to ease your pain all i can do is send you the biggest :hug: and pls know you are thought of by all of us. Saying a :pray: for you sweet angels and i so hope you get some answers. Take care of yourself and when you are up to it pls talk to a counsellor they are just wonderful and have helped me thru alot of grief and pain when i needed them.

Meredith - I am so sorry...

i know that many of us here share your pain. We are all here to help you through this very sad and difficult time. :hug:

I am so sorry my love. Sending you love and support as your grieve your babies. I am here if you need me. :hug: Fly safely little babies...:(

Oh Meredith, I haven't been on for a few days and to be greeted with this news! Unthinkable. So very very sorry for you. I no longer believe in Mother Nature - has to be Father Nature, no women could ever cause another women this amount of pain. Wishing you all the love and strength and support you need. We are here for you whenever you are ready

Meredith,I am so truely sorry my love.

Debbie

Meredith- Big :hug: to you darling, I'm so sorry this keeps happining to you, I really pray that they find some answers on why this is occuring for you over and over. I just want you to know that were here for you to talk to. I know it isn't a whole lot, But I know how good it feels to talk to someone. My heart goes out to you..

I'm so sorry to hear you're experiencing this hun ((Hugs))